Day 20: Self-Direction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot give direction to my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the day slip through without directing me to act specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through my day without stopping to consider what it is that I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not organize my day to get tasks done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and let the time pass without questioning myself about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate on waking up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself direction in the morning just because I resist to do a specific task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up self direction completely because I've given up or procrastinated on a task.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am always making a choice in what I do even if I decide to rest all day and thus I have to consider the consequence of all that I do and decide if the outcome is best for me and best for all or not.

I commit myself to remind myself that whatever I do has a consequence and that it either is best for All or not.

I commit myself to guide myself within the principle of that which is Best for All.

I commit myself to organize my day so that I complete tasks that I set for myself.

I commit myself to stop wandering through the day without questioning myself and what I do.

I commit myself to stand up in the morning unconditionally.

I commit myself to not give up on myself because I don't face a task and instead take a break for a moment and go back to the task that I resist.

Day 19: Failure Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the failure character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility by giving into the failure character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the failure character to not have to take on anything that takes time and effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking on the tasks to support myself with the memories of failing in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my behaviour that is irresponsible and dysfunctional based on the past and take on the failure character to not have to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept bullshit from myself based on the self definition of myself as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am entitled to irresponsibility because I have never really been responsible instead of realizing that I am giving into the failure character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my creative power by accessing the failure character that also creates, but it creates demise for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by playing the failure character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by giving up on myself in playing the failure character, not expanding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time playing the failure character instead of investing it in supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and play the failure character rather than daring to face who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up the fact that I am here in the physical and not bound physically by my fears and instead of acting breath by breath, give up breath by breath to the failure character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bondage myself to the failure characcter.

I commit myself to stop the illusion of the failure character and step into reality by wlaking and waking up step by step with practical solutions in every moment.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself by playing the failure and instead face myself in the realization that I created myslef and that it would be stupid to fear my own creation.

I commit myself to stop all justification based on the failure of the past in the realization that I have to direct myself to the best of my hability without excuses because otherwise I am only lenghtening my process and torturing myself and not talking into consideration the consequences it has on the whole in an atrocious way.

I commit myself to give up the failure character by identifying when I am accessing it and stopping it taking on practical physical movement or tasks.


I commit myself to honour myself by not playing the failure character and take myself back to the physical every time until it exists no more.

Day 18: What Happened?

What happened? How come I stopped blogging for a lot of days? Well, one of the things that happened was that I procrastinated so much on studying that basically ended up giving up and more or less letting the opportunity to pass slip through and I did not pass this academic year. This being a Student's Journey to Life makes me wonder that there is something obviously not working. Basically the fear of failing and me acting on this fear by simply not facing the studying part made the obvious result of failure.

This is the first of many posts to clear this atrocious past academically speaking to make room for the new academic opportunities starting next September.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not passing last year's course.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with the opportunity to put myself to study the subject, distract myself and take on another activity, giving up myself entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to create myself to fail at my studies by not studying consistently regularly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on self-pity for having failed to pass the course instead of forgiving myself and start correcting it by getting to know the subjects that I will be facing next year again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my academic results personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid myself from deliberately walking the solution of studying and getting the course done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by not taking responsibility for the studies I was attending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against myself in not studying and doing the work necessary for the course I was attending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses such as it being difficult to not have to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to not pass the course to not have to face myself going to university or continuing with something new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the fact that I let myself fail at the course I was attending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize studies as an excuse to not face myself because apparently I have to study and thus if I am not then I can't do anything else because I should be studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not face myself with anything that I don't 'feel like' doing by simply using the excuse that I should be working on my studies but because I am not, then I don't have to do it and I waste time instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a positive charge to the idea of 'studying' and a negative value to 'not studying' and within this play the game of good and bad, what I should be doing and what not  instead of taking studies practically for what they are and not make it a center point of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both blame school for not directing myself in doing other stuff instead of realizing that studies don't make me do or not do anything as I direct myself in every breath and thus I decide what I do.

I commit myself to stop putting the blame for my life on studies within the realization that it is me that move myself physically and without that nothing would happen of me as what I exist as at the moment.

I commit myself to stopping using my studies as a cover up for why I don't take on facing myself.

I commit myself to take on studies practically and physically not making them a big monster or anything more than what it is.

Day 17: Breathing or not

All that I allow myself to put me down - a thought that offers me to embark in some activity that is not what I would do if I were to follow my mental schedule of to-do's - really can' t put me down. How can I be put down if I am still breathing. Only if I were to stop breathing I would be prevented from any physical action. That's what it is, physical action. Action on the mind is not real action. It's like watching a movie - time to turn the camera back to myself and see 'hey, I'm there sitting wandering off without really doing anything other than playing movies in my head'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to the movies in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prevent myself from physical action by playing thoughts in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with physical actions that are not relevant or prioritary to what is best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue 'dreaming' by participating in thoughts in my mind after waking up in the morning instead of immediately move myself to physical action such as sit on the bed and stand up to continue going for a glass of water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any resistance I can experience to a given physical action is not real as long as I am still breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie of the mind in believing the inner talk of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that as long as I am physically able to take on a task I have no excuses to not do it when I have the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not motivate myself to take on the tasks that I resist with tricks such as making excuses to start like 'only write one sentence' to then continue writing more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live in an alternate reality where I can manage/direct what happens in an instant - thoughts - instead of living in the real reality that is the physical and to change it if it is one fucked up reality.

I commit myself to motivate myself to move myself in physical actions such as writing and doing real tasks that are not playing thoughts in my mind.

I commit myself to shut the internal movies off whenever I see I am again playing thoughts in my mind by immediately disturb the movie by any means possible such as self forgiveness for myself.

I commit myself to remind myself to keep myself stable here in physical actions and to remind myself that anything that is not physical is not real.

I commit myself to remind myself that whenever I am breathing I can take on a physical action.

I commit myself to face myself in the physical instead of hiding from myself in the mind.

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Day 16: Step by step

Today I went to buy shoes. The shoes should be appropiate to wear at work and to show up at interviews for jobs. I have been postponing and not really making an effort to shop for shoes as I only visited a few shops a few times and stopped looking. This is an example of the silly excuses I put myself to not do stuff. This one, not having shoes and thus not looking for work. Good news, I got them.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone looking for and buying shoes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself myself to put excuses to not go out and look for a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see any excuses as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up looking for shoes when I did not find appropiate shoes at the shop I usually buy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses such as shoes being expensive to not spend on them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider money practically in terms of what is prioritary and what is not, and act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on looking for work because apparently I require to first have appropiate shoes for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create false beliefs in order to not face myself in looking for a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put conditions to me looking for work that are not real and that can be solved and instead utilize the conditions such as the shoes to not walk what is necessary to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself with excuses and conditions to not look for a job.

I commit myself to stop the self-sabotage of conditions and excuses to not look for a job.

I commit myself to direct any 'bump in the way' of looking for a job so that I can do it effectively.

I commit myself to stop wasting my time by not directing myself effectively and  postponing


I commit myself to direct myself to do the tasks effectively not lagging and delaying unnecesarily but making it direct to the point.

Day 15: Re-take after the Mis-take

 

I have not documented my days, this was a mis take, not posting here for several weeks. So here I am to take another take, just like in a film. In this film I am the director so it's all cool that I can take another take. New episodes as blogs will be posted daily so it will not take me forever to walk the days that add up to 7 years, or more of this Journey to nothingness.

Clearly at the moment I am faced with the postponement character, where I refuse or give up to take on the tasks that I see I have to do. This is a good time to clear up this point. Today I experienced myself both angry and unmotivated. This anger must come from seeing how I put myself down in participating in the postponement character and the unmotivation is also a self-manipulation, where I utilize that experience with the character of postponement to justify why I don't put myself to work on, for example, writing this blogs.



Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the experience of 'unmotivation' as an excuse to not do what I have to do as tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something special to start doing the tasks I have to do instead of realizing that I won't necessarily get a 'good feelng' out of doing what I have to do but that must do it as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the character of postponement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up taking on the tasks I have to do in the face of apathy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make doing the tasks I have to do something special that requires special circumstances and a certain feeling that I have to experience in order for me to get to do it instead of realizing that to do something I only need to actually do it myself, with no other conditions that the physical requirements to do it such as laptop and being fed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of anger instead of identifying where does it come from and take action to deal with what it is indicating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that immediate action is a good way to take on the tasks I have to do and that any other way is also postponement - as somehow I can do it but delay the start of it, thus there is something preventing me from starting thus:

I commit myself to stop and investigate the moment I see that I could be doing a task that I have to do but I am not doing it despite that moment being one moment in where/when I am able to do it.



I commit myself to stop the character of postponement by deliberately stopping myself when I see I am going into it.

I commit myself to put into practical application what I see I have to do.


I commit myself to stop waiting for a special moment to start doing the tasks I have to do and instead realize that each moment is the same when I am breathing and thus every breath is a moment to start and do any task that I require to do.



I commit myself to not take from granted my experience but investigate everything that goes on with myself.