Day 29: Attent-ion as Energy Addict-ion

During my school years I have consistenlty looked for attention in arriving late at school every day or many days a week. I lived close to school but I would give excuses to not leave home until the last minutes, then run to school and arrive the last, having many within the class turning their heads as I entered the classroom, and sometimes I even had out-loud comments from classmates wich was the cherry on top of the cake. Why? Because I was receiving attention. For a moment I was the center of attention and I experienced energy for it. I had two energy rushes – one from running from home to school and another when they would look at me or make some comments – and I also felt like a ‘bad boy’. There was also the expectation of the reaction from the teacher. The first thing I would do when entering the classroom is to have a quick look to spot their reaction. I did not like starting the class inside the classroom waiting for the teacher and being one more in the group, I saw it as boring when all it was is the mind being bored for not getting energy. This rush I did not notice then very clearly but definetly there was an energetic experience between guilt and satisfaction from the attention I was receiving in arriving late and the last-minute run.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be more than others in receiving special attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my Ego with an EnergyGO from receiving extra attention within a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy rush from the chemicals released in physical exercise such as running.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create a situation where I have to run in order to experience an energetic charge of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be/perceive myself to be inferior than others if I don’t get special treatment/attention and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go to the opposite polarity by perceiving myself as superior in trying and getting the attention from everyone in a group even to the point of sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically to the comments and stares and attention I receive from a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge as boring being within a grup unnoticed or being equally noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get attention from others I am more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed-off energetically from the reaction I get to my behaviour within a group/towards a group of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as God - as that which is more than others - from getting reactions from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define God as that which is more than others instead of seeing that god would be taking responsibility for a creative hability.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my only real power is breath and no amount of attention can maintain me alive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t acepted and allowed myself to see that I am equal to others despite any concept and idea I have about myself being more or less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as a 'bad boy' for pushing the limits of the rules at school by arriving late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt and fear when arriving late at school - fearing consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an energy-junkie feeding of energy rushes instead of living myself that doesn't consist of energy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that being bored when not getting special attention was/is an experience of the mind not getting energy to feed off and that when I am here as breath I don't require anything else/more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in consummerism as the consummerism society by indulging in energy experiences from the mind.

I commit myself to show that it is possible to live in equality without chasing imaginary powergames of being more or less.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and direct myself to focus on a physical task/activity when I see that

I am about to speak and act to receive attention from others.

I commit myself to remind myself that whenever I am looking for attention I am indicating that I don’t give attention to myself.

I commit myself to show that it is possible to live a fulfilling life without having to put down and stand on others within one’s mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into an energetic experience from a physical activity = stop myself and breathe - discontinuing participation from the mind and taking it to the physical here as breathe.