Day 74: The Elephant in the Room of Me

Self Forgiveness on turning a blind eye to the obvious causes and beliefs that keep me unchanged and therefore Evil in a world that is Evil - where no Life is honoured, but Abused in every way - As shown daily in the news if one dare to look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I don't really know what it means to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend who I am by denying myself to walk in common sense what is obvious of what I must do to correct myself from self interest to what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately decide every time to not do that which I see is supportive for myself - and instead walk the way of self sabotage and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live that which I see in common sense I have to do - and instead project it into others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living a life of self interest have Any Value at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value experience as energy highs and lows instead of realizing that I am stability here as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid to face the relationships in my world that I participate in to keep hooked on self interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't have to stone myself into oblivion but that I can instead support myself to stand up for myself - to serve Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to go back to behaviours that
I use in order to participate in guilt, shame and more emotions -- all to not stand up for myself, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself by acting in ways that are detrimental and not supportive of me - to not stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'making others feel sorry for me' is acceptable to get attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself attention - and want others to 'attend' my every need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - within wanting others to attend my every need - justificate the existence of slaves - all so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself.


To continue in the next post...

Day 73: The Task

Artwork by Maren Vargas Del Razo

The 'giving up before starting' of a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate and postpone on starting doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing at a task - and give up before starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety and stress for not doing the task I have to do - instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of not doing the tasks I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a task as too big and difficult in my mind - and give up without even starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgements and backchats about a task - in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to walk a task in the reactions I get towards it instead of simply doing what I see is best - regardless of the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the resistance real by acting on it by not walking the tasks I have to do that I apparently resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance to do a task exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance towards doing a task is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat towards doing a task - diminishing my drive/will to do it more and more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself and say - till here no further - I will not accept or allow myself to act on the resistance towards doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have created through time the reactions that I experience - thus I am able to stop them and walk them through.

Whenever I see that I resist on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the experience of resistance about the task is not real, that I created it and that I am able to stop it and walk through it.

Whenever I see that I am giving up on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself of the previous instances where I have been able to walk through this resistances and I remind myself that it they are not real.

Whenever I see that I am having judgements/backchat about a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is unacceptable to put myself down by judging the tasks or myself in the task - and so I stop the backchat and continue walking.

Day 72: Reward Systems Misaligned

The problem of allowing oneself to be rewarded by someone else such as parents when we do something -is that then we are enslaved to doing this something in order to be rewarded again by them - so one is in a way controlled by them or/and by the belief that we can only get rewards by doing what we have always done to get a reward. All reward should be in a form of self-satisfaction about the job done - not expectation of approval by others - but this is not easy. Our environment may very easely reinforce bad behaviours, for example giving attention to a child when is behaving in a rebellious way but don't give them attention when they do their responsibilities - and this is a problem: We must ask ourselves what it is that motivates us. We might very easely still be holding onto child rewards with a twist/only slightly changed. For example a child that was given attention in being rebellious = can continue with a life of rebelling and of not wanting to take responsibility because it is a way to get attention that may still work in getting attention. That is a problem again because there, looking at it practically, there is a limit in the ages one can allow oneself to be irresponsible with regards to the practicality of living on Earth, like when parents pay for all of the child expenses -- then suddenly this child is and adult that has to move on and find a job and - oops - the habit of taking responsibility is not established and there it goes another wrecked life or much pain and suffering. That is unnecesary.

What if we don't need external rewards? It should be all about self-responsibility, self-motivation - to be truly free. In this there is work to do because we have been so much conditioned to respond to our environment in order to get attention/reward from it that - over time -behaviours have formed that we can see are not supportive for us or others around us or the world. Behaviours die hard but as Lindsay describes in her blog - that I suggest giving a read - it is all about supporting behaviours that are supportive of ourselves and everyone else living in this planet Earth.

Most of our life, if we investigate our motivations, might very well be a chase for the next blip of attention, the next 'feel good' sensation and that, at the end, amounts to nothing, like a light bulb that shines for so long until it is gone in a moment. If we look at what it is that our current motivations have amounted to = it's a complete disgrace embodied in what we seen all around us and that is displayed daily in the news.

A good motivation to have is to instead of keep chasing external recognition, live in a way that we do not have to die in remorse but in accomplishment - having made sure that all we leave behind is  supportive of what continues to live on Earth, and this IS something real, unlike a 'feel good' sensation - an example would be leaving a world without Poverty, with real Equality.

Before facing the world problems, though, we have to go back to what make us do what we do and correct it - because by continuing doing what we have been doing = nothing will change. And this is because what we are so busy doing is supporting a system that enslaves us to continue living in the world as we see it today - and it is deteriorating further and further.

This blog will continue with analyzing behaviours that are not supportive that reinforce self-enslavement such as apathy and other disfunctional behaviours - and then correcting them and seeing the solution and reward that lays in applying the correction.

Day 71: Getting to Know All Things

With enough time and resources one can research anything and then get to understand something that at first sight seem impossible to descipher.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time on doing activities that are not prioritary in my day before doing what comes first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of doing the things that I have to do by avoiding doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give importance to the things I have to do in a day instead of doing them and moving on.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't really want to be all my life distracting myself to prevent me from doing something I consider I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare to do all the things I see I must be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger for deliberately not doing what I see I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some tasks as difficult - instead of seeing that with enough time and patience much can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent whenever I don't understand something - instead of going into the nitty gritty details of what it is I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough background knowledge on a subject to understand a specific piece of that subject - instead of moving myself to study the subject from the ground up so that I can understand the what is being presented.

Whenever I see that I am reluctant to take on a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the sooner I walk the task - the more time I will have to work on any problems that I may aruse - and thus increase my success rate.

Whenever I see that I resist doing a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that no matter how difficult a point presents itself to be - I can study all of it - and thus I see/realize/understand the point is not the problem but the unwillingness to study it.

Day 70: The Haunting Past

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up an opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there will be one decision or lost opportunity that will make or break me - instead of seeing how the accumulation process works, where it is the daily accumulation of actions that amount to something - either worth or dreadful - or a sour mix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others impeding that I access an opportunity to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to build a successful life.

Whenever I see that I am going into fear of the future I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that the future is built action by action and thus I have to work with what I can have an influence on so that it is the best influence possible - to expand myself.

Whenever I blame someone or something for my experience I stop and breathe. I realize that taking responsibility for creating a future for myself entails taking responsibility for what I have already created for myself in the past - so I walk the correction and stop the reactions as they arise - reminding myself that it is me that created the experience of me.

Day 69: Slowing Down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do many things in little time instead of doing things thorougly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better if I do more things, regardless of the quality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be looked up to for doing a lot of things in little time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go faster in what I do, taking shortcuts and not knowing exactly what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I rush in doing things and finish them sooner = I have done more - instead of realizing that there is no use in finishing doing something if I have not integrated it and made sense of it so that it is of use for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the McDonalization of my life, of wanting to serve and have things delivered fast, regardless of quality or consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to review how I participate within my day to see where I can improve in supporting myself.

Whenever I see I want to rush in doing things, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no use in finishing doing something for the sake of it - but to utilize what I do to support myself - so I slow
down and see how can I support myself in what I am doing.

Whenever I feel anxious about having to do something I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no one but myself that is pressing on me to get something done - so instead I breathe and am gentle with myself in giving myself the time to complete the task as much as possible.

Day 68: If it Mathematically Works, Go For It

Taking decisions in life is not random - usually when faced with a decision we choose one thing or another depending on the accumulated effect of our actions in the past. For example, going to university. One can say that you can either decide to go or not to go but if a student has not accumulated enough skills and obviously has the money for it - then it will be impossible to go through university. Then it is relevant to calculate what will it take to be able do anything in life, in order to be prepared when faced with the decision and be able to stick to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to calculate what it takes to do what I say I want to do, and then introduce this in a schedule to do daily/as necessary.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to carefully plan and establish a daily schedule for myself in order to accumulate that which I need in my life until I have enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not prepare myself for what I say I want to do in order to give up in the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take decisions for myself in the future without preparing myself accordingly for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to walk my decisions instead of working out if it's mathematically feasible considering time and resources.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the basic laws of consequence, cause and effect - and to apply it to the goals I set for myself.

Whenever I see I want to give up I stop and breathe. I understand that to get the outcome necessary I have to input the work - so I put myself to work in the realization that it is always easier the sooner I start and it gets difficult as time passes.

Whenever I see that I go into emotional turmoil/reaction I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is very simple what I have to do: To daily walk that which accumulates to the outcome that I need. All emotional reaction thus is irrelevant and not to give attention to - but solved to walk effectively.

Whenever I see that I am projecting what I will do in the future I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only determine what I do in every moment - So I walk practically to add up to be able to in the future be prepared for what I have to do.

Whenever I see that I want to get something done in a moment I stop and breathe. I realize that it will take an accumulation of daily work for whatever time it takes to accomplish anything - so I calculate an approximate of how much will it take and walk until I get it done.

I see/realize and understand that there is no need to fear the future - because I construct the future with my actions - so I carefully plan my actions to tweak/adjust the outcome and thus in a way direct my future.

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Day 67: The Power of Persistence

I missed one day of writing and was experiencing this apathy towards supporting myself again and then the decision of not giving up and 'going back at it' emerges - and it is the solution, to keep walking regardless of the experience - giving up is the sure way to get nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up when experiencing apathy towards writing/ supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider giving up as an option - instead of seeing that I will inevitably have to 'get back at it' in supporting myself - or face the consequences in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to procrastinate on supporting myself - instead of seeing that self-sabotage and self compromise is non-negotiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of apathy towards supporting myself as real - without seeing the common sense implications of following apahty and giving up that are self compromise - and thus unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the experience of apathy to not have to face myself in the moment - instead of seeing the foolishnes of going against myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if apathy can come up and then go away it means it is not real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which I am can never go away - and that choosing to live a miserable life is a disgrace and not wanting to honour myself or others as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have become as what I do and how I experience myself at the moment = is who I am -- without investigating and doing all I can to make myself functional to support myself and all other Life forms on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself every time I give up - instead of giving myself the opportunity to change through supporting myself unconditionally.

Whenever I see that I am participating in the experience of apathy/wanting to give up, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that I must support myself practically and for this I can make a list/see what it is that I have to do and do it, step by step.

Whenever I see I want to give up, I stop and breathe. I realize that every moment of breath is an opportunity to support myself and that I have nothing more and nothing less than that - so I move myself to invest my breaths in doing activities that support myself and not the other way around.

Day 66: Playing with a dog

The other day I was walking home when I saw at the park neaby many dogs with their owners - and decided to approach them to see if a dog wanted to play. I had a cool time playing with one little dog that approached me with a ball.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy myself in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain activities as enjoyable and others as boring - in separation from the activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate that a task will be boring - creating it this way unnecesarily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself taking tasks that I don't 'like' as a punishment - instead of investigating if the dislike is in fact real - or a self-delusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the 'resistance' to walk a task is real - without question or challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hide' from myself within doing tasks 'overdoing' them without directing myself practically in common sense to do fit within my day all the activities that are important/relevant - not just overdo one task to avoid the rest.

Whenever I see I am judging a task I stop and breathe. I realize that my judgement is an excuse to no investigate the task and myself within the task - that may lead to challenge my self-definition -- so I breathe and walk through the task and investigate the trigger of the reaction to the task.

Whenever I see I am being hard on myself within a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no need to 'possess myself' with a task to the extent where I abuse my body and go into the mind - as it is not needed to do the task effectively -- so I go back to breath and direct myself practically.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating on one task by overdoing another task I stop and breathe. I realize that applying self-honesty is required - so whenever I notice that I am hiding within a task I re-align myself to walk commonsensically what is best that I do in a given moment.

Whenever I am experiencing myself as 'heavy' or 'bored' while doing a task I stop and breathe - I realize and understand that in that moment I went into my mind and missed to be here as breath so I instead focus on the physical herenesss while walking the task.

I see/realize/understand that the desire to 'instant happiness' in doing a task is not real - but that I can apply myself to not participate in the mind while doing tasks so that I may start to enjoy what I do instead of going into the mind that generates thoughts/feelings and emotions that veil what is really going on in the physical -- energy being de delusion and physicality what is real.