Day 78: Well-Educated Character

"Prevention is ALWAYS the Best Cure" – Bernard Poolman

Problem
Wanting to appear/look like I am well-educated.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately talk in ways to project an image of myself of being well-educated and smart. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an image of myself more than my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me as dumb/failure and within this try to show the opposite by showing a façade/face of being polite/well educated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being articulate and showing knowledge on many topics means that I am superior and better. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge is important/valuable without considering who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will 'loose face' and be considered inferior if I 'slip' and make mistakes in a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that educated people are better than uneducated people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to 'prove' that I am not uneducated by opening a 'peacock tail' of knowledge within a conversation - within the fear of being considered inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will like me more if I am smart - and will like me less and be marginalized if I they believe I am stupid. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as smart and sharp, in separation of myself.

Whenever I see that I am trying to appear/look like I am well-educated and smart, I stop and breathe. I realize that knowledge without application is useless, that I am not more to KNOW something. We are all Equals as Life - there is not an animal that is more of Life than another one. Difference of humans based on knowledge is an illusion.

Reward
Not having to pretend being smart/talk in a way to be considered smart, being at ease while in the company of others, enjoying them for who they are without being busy in advertising what I know.
 
To be continued...

Day 77: Day in Bed - Am I Dead?

Little Bunny Sleeping

Problem
Resting during the day, when I don't necessarily need to rest and not putting the necessary devices such as an alarm to not over-sleep.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself in sleeping during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk me into' sleeping during the day in order to not face tasks/responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to rest during the day to be able to function - instead of seeing that when I sleep too much, I loose time and I am not 'really rested'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put the devices and alarms in place so that I don't oversleep whenever I rest during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to wake up from a 'siesta' even if I put the alarm, believing that 'I will not hear it' and so don't set it up. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not set up the alarm with the excuse that I will rest for only 10 minutes - not preventing myself from oversleeping if I Do fall asleep.

Whenever I see that I am trying to 'talk myself' into going to sleep during the day by using excuses/justifications as to why I should rest, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is the mind that wants to 'disconnect' and that even if do go to sleep, it won't pay off as I will not rest well and will instead waste time - and the heaviness after waking up will still be there.

I commit myself to focus on breathing here whenever I see that I want to go to sleep during the day and instead I commit myself to push myself to walk little steps into doing the task that I want to avoid facing - as I realize it is the only way, that it is inevitable that I face myself.

I commit myself to Prevent the oversleeping during the day by setting up an alarm if I do rest for a during the day - and that I rest for no more than 40 minutes - because otherwise I am still tired/it is not as effective and I waste time.

I commit myself to, whenever I see that I experience the feeling of 'heaviness' or tiredness = see if there is something that I am trying to avoid doing or facing.

I commit myself to walk my responsibilities whenever I 'feel like' sleeping during the day - and then check again if I am 'still' tired - to find out if the tiredness was in fact a protection mechanism for the mind for me not to face myself in my responsibilities and obligations.

Whenever I see that I am physically tired, I stop and breathe. I realize that I will not always be able to rest during the day when I have responsibilities to walk.

I commit myself to remind myself thate there will be moments in where it is impossible for me to rest during the day, such as if I am taking care of a child or similar, where I will not be able to simply walk-off to bed if I am tired.

I commit myself to assist myself and my physical body by being Here as breath when walking my responsibilities within the realization that the body is capable of much more, and that I can only do/grasp this if I am not participating in my mind of excuses and justifications and backchats.

Reward
In not walking off to bed during the day and instead walking my daily tasks and obligations/responsibilities = I am standing up for myself and taking responsibility for myself - thus allowing me to take on more responsibilities and within this = expanding myself within my process.

Going off to sleep during the day for a long  time and/or without needing it = is a betrayal to myself, so with preventing this I will be reverting it into developing self-trust - and it will be a training that will lead to me slowly but surely becoming more effective in dealing with tasks/responsibilities.

Day 76: Self-Assertiveness in Relationships

Problem

'Social anxiety' of 'being in conflict' with relatives/friends for not calling them or congratulating them in special occasions such as birthdays.

Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relatives/friends being angry with me for not calling them on special occasions. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequences - like resentment - from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a better relative/friend if I remember and congratulate them in every 'special occasion' and that they will 'think bad' of me for not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not call/talk to relatives/friends - instead of assessing if I want to mantain the contact or not and decide to call or not. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't call a friend/relative on a 'special date' they will think I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship with 'someone else' outside of myself such as family/friends - instead of having a supportive 'relationship' - as agreement - with myself of supporting myself - and simply stablish clear communication with others as well, one and equal in assertiveness.

Whenever I see I am getting anxious about calling a friend/relative on a special occasion, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not better or worse for calling or not, that it does not mean I don't want to have contact with them for not calling them and that it is up to me if I call or not - and that I have to decide for myself, without paying attention to excuses.

I commit myself to whenever I am faced with calling/congratulating a friend/relative on a 'special occasion' - I assert myself whether I will contact them or not, without making assumptions of what they will think- as this is not something I am in control of.

Reward

Supporting myeslf in being assertive and direct myself in my relationships without participating in unnecessary internal conflict such as fear or guilt. Practising taking decisions about what I want to particpate in in my life. 

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Photography by Marlen V. del Razo

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Day 75: Excuses to Not Write

The Problem

When faced with writing a blog, use the excuse of 'wanting it to be perfect' to then judge what I am writing as insufficient - to give up. It is a simple self-deception to be able to give up that accumulates in a lot of time lost and eroding self-trust, self-direction and self movement - all to not want to take responsibility for myself or to want to hold into some other point of self interest.

Solution

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of 'wanting the blog to be perfect' to judge what I write as 'not perfect'/'Insufficient' to then have an excuse to not write and thus give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give excuses to sabotage myself into not writing - within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself unconditionally in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'give up' on myself by not writing - instead of seeing that I am merely compounding consequence for myself and that I will have to inevitably face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest innecesary consequence for myself by procrastinating/not doing a task into completion - as that makes it harder having to repeat it/start again - and waste time.

Whenever I see I want to not take responsibility for myself and instead cover it up as 'wanting to write a perfect blog', I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is merely the construct of 'wanting to to give up while looking good' and that it may 'feel good' for a moment to procrastinate - but then it doesn't pay as I don't change and still have do it all over again, with the additional difficulty of having failed in the past and knowing I have wasted time.

Reward

To support myself in writing, thus avoiding having to go into innecessary repetitions/time-loops and instead expanding, being able to do more and more effectively, being proud of myself, building self-trust and self-direction one day at a time, one blog at a time. Also, avoid unnecessary guilt/turmoil for not doing what I see I have to do in common sense to support myself - which is a self-manipulation anyway for not standing up for myself and changing.
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Art by Andrew Gable