Day 99: Are My Wants My Needs?

Suggested to read Heaven’s Journey to Life blog 439 and blog 440 for background perspective on fear of commitment and what is it really.

In common sense I see that what is Best for All is best for me. Standing up thus within this principle of doing that which is Best for All is what is needed for me, and best for me.

I see how my ‘Wants’ are interfering with that - because I allow my wants to override my common sense - in the end I will never be satisfied with having chosen a path to fulfill my ‘wants’ because of the way the mind works, one is never satisfied following Energy/wants in any way.

I see for example I have this desire/want to have a relationship with a woman. In having this desire I am also holding on to my mind, by wanting to preserve all the personalities that would be useful for me to build an image of myself that is not real, that is an illusion, in order to attract and have a relationship with a woman.

The catch 22 here is that if I accept to participate in parts of my mind such as personalities in order to have ‘my way’ and get what I ‘want’ = then I am also accepting ALL of the mind -- which means that I won’t be able to stand up for myself as who I really am, because I am standing up for my mind and participating in my mind, which is not who I really am. I can’t say or ‘want to’ stand up for Life as who I really am while at the same time hold onto and keep participating in my mind as personalities/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self interest in desiring to have a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need my mind as personalities in order to have a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have Not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when communicating with women, in the belief that I need to make me appear ‘more than me’ - stating that I am ‘not enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the desire to have a relationship with a woman consume me to the point where I believe that I have to manipulate my way into having one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the desire to have sex consume me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself for the desire of having a relationship with a woman in order to have sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my mind in order to be able to ‘dress up’ and manipulate my way into having sex/having a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to have a relationship with a woman = I have to decieve/manipulate/create an illusion of who I am so that I can be liked by her, instead of knowing who I am and showing me as who I am openly unconditionally.

I'll continue more in the next post.

Bernard Poolman, an Example for All

Bernard Poolman died on the early hours of Sunday, 11th August, 2013.

I will be forever grateful for having met Bernard, first online, and last year in person, when I visited the farm for about two weeks. He was one, or the most fascinating being I have ever met. A man of principle, for as long as I knew him, he never stopped walking as an example of living the principle of doing that which is Best for All. When I visited the farm at the end of 2011, I got to see first hand that, indeed, he was a normal guy, and the place and the other people living there, it is ordinary -- yet the dedication of all the people living in the farm in walking practically what is necessary to change the world, that you don't see every day. And that I already saw from the participation online, where year after year, since I've known of Desteni in 2008/2009: The message was/is the same: That of Jesus, 'Do unto another as you would like to be done unto you', 'Give as you would like to recieve' and  'Love thy neighbour as thyself' -- what does it mean to live it practically? He lived that, along with the other beings at the Farm. He will be missed, but his message is still here, and the group will keep walking the principle.

I remember sharing something with him that was a heavy lift for me, and he said, 'Forgive Yourself'. And this is what is extraordinary of what he did, he walked his process with tools for himself - namely Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Practical Application - that then shared with others for all to be able to stop ones limitations and become a functional human being that can stand no matter what and effectively walk that which is Best for All, creating oneself as a trustworthy human being like he was, he would never give up, and he did not give up.

'There are no problems, only solutions' he once said. And that is what he was focused on, solutions for people to become functional and to worlds' problems.

When I went to the Farm, I was pretty much a failure walking, having failed for so many years at my education - he said to me in a chat when I again failed some months after visiting the farm, that from this I could take that it is best doing things well the first time -- indeed, I can f**k around all that I want, or go straight to the point, like he did with everything.

At the farm, I arrived there so thin, I remember I was most of the day with shakes that had minerals and vitamins, and he would say,'it's ok, eat' - lol - I had been spending so much time in the mind I had not been eating effectively. There I had a lot of fun with the dogs, many dogs living there. I was there for a short period of 12 days, I couldn't stay more due to my studies although I had been invited for about a year - but I wanted to visit anyway. It was worth it. When I was there, it exposed how I was not being effective, in the trip from the airport to the farm, one we did with Bernard, Cerise his daughter and David a visitor, he asked me what's 'backchat', and I couldn't give him a good definition. I saw I had not taken my process seriously, not investigated or applied the material effectively -- see, I realized, one can have all the support/the best support in the world, but it is up to us to take it and live it, study the material that he/Sunette/Dimensions shared and live it, because 'knowledge without application is useless' -- common sense.

So in the moments, now days after his death, I see I would have liked to, during the time that I have been participating in Desteni, apply myself more effectively, but again, he would have said, no matter how difficult or big of a problem I thought I have: 'Forgive yourself' -- and move on, correct myself, and stand up again if I fall, until it is done, until I have it made.

From having met him I've seen how it is me that willed my failed results in the past within my education, that I can will it otherwise. Thanks to the support of Sunette, Bernard and others at the Desteni farm, I've been able to realign points in my life and next year I will be starting studying at university, something I said I would never do at one point.