Day 62: Self-Traps

First of all, apologies for having missed so many days. Today I went to the terrace of the building where I live and forgot to put the door locked in a way that it won't close once I am out, so I was locked in the terrace because I forgot to do that. In a moment, the door was shut and I was out - and had to call a neighbour to open the door to get out. This reminded me that I can become 'fucked up by my own design/creation' where I find myself in a position that I 'wasn't intending to happen' but happened - in this case by a distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss so many days of writting and supporting myself with self forgiveness, not supporting myself in doing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself in not supporting myself daily effectively - giving up self responsibility and creating unnecesary consequence for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself through not honouring myself in supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I must act in ways to support myself to take responsibility for myself becuse unless I do it noone will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trick and deceive myself into giving up instead of finding ways to take on the tasks to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see and know how I will be doing in the future instead of working day by day in ways that are proven to be self supportive like daily writting and self forgiveness as in the course desteni I process and journey to life blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as 'normal' to not take responsibility for myself - instead of seeing the common sense that it is unacceptable and will only lead to undesired consequence and pain and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself and all others in not supporting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the opportunity that I have with the support available in Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe 'resistance' to act in ways that are proven self supportive such as writing and self forgiveness and practical application as described by Desteni - is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that self interest is not a way but a trap in the belief that there is free choice to not act in ways that are Best for All which is taking responsibility for oneself unconditionally and expand to the world from this, to solve the current problems faced on Earth such as porverty, starvation, war and other abuse going on daily.

I commit myself to unconditionally walk the tools proven to be effective in self-change in taking responsibility for my accepted and allowed limitations such as procrastination, lazyness and the giving up of self-responsibility that goes along with living on Earth.

An invitation to support yourself from self limitation to self-discovery:

Desteni Website, join the forum at http://forum.desteni.org/
Free Online Course Desteni I Process Lite, guided by a buddy at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

Day 61: I Slipped - Slept

This week I have wasted on sleeping mostly which has been tormenting both for myself and my academic life - I'm back to put myself to work and to not sleep more during the day but only the necessary during the night, and to instead of putting myself to hide under a blanket, to hide in my books - lol.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself practically in the self forgiveness and self corrective statements of Day 60.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from and sabotage myself in sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in wasting time not studying for my exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in not putting myself to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insist in not facing myself, in self interest to not change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to pass my exams, and therefore not giving myself the chance to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not study for my exams so that I can claim that I am not good at it to not have to face myself in studying anymore.

I commit myself to stop giving excuses and instead put myself to work on my school effectively by placing time and work to do it.

I commit myself to put myself to work on school , regardless of what the outcome I may think it will be.

I commit myself to stopp giving excuses like I won't pass this exam in order to not study for the exam, within the common sense realization that if I don't put myself to study, obviously the chances that I fail are way greater than if I study for it.

I commit myself to whenever I want to give up and stop studying = see realize and remind myself that I have nowhere to go to hide from myself and that I better face myself there and then in the moment than having to time-loop and endure unnecessary 'pain and suffering'.

Day 60: Perception-Conception Self-Sabotage

by Mark Tyrrell

Some mornings this week I have faced moments where I was having to do school work and instead I of putting myself to work I have returned to the bed to hide in sleeping. This is unacceptable and obviously impractical because that which I am trying to hide from will compound and become more difficult to direct. Doing things in the moment is always easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from doing the tasks for school in sleeping – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I cannot avoid taking responsibility for myself – if I am to continue with my education I'll have to face the point that I am trying to run away from = but in hiding in sleeping I am wasting time and thus having to do the tasks later on with reduced time and will be even more difficult for me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the resistance to do school work by sleeping = in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by sleeping when I have to do school work- so that I don't change, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a situation where I have little time left to study = so that I can justify failing at school and not take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am trying to hide from myself in sleeping to momentarily not do school work = I breathe, I remind myself that by sleeping I am doing it more difficult for myself and I direct myself to do school work effectively practically Here as breath.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am resisting doing school work, breathe and take one step at a time, but not give up walking the point.

Am I not good enough?

This is the question that arised this afternoon that I had pain in my pinky finger of the left hand - which If I remember well is about perception.

Within this I saw that maybe one of the dimensions where I fail myself in not putting myself to work on school every day consistently but tend to give up some days of the week, is that perception of myself not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough to make it through school - in self interest to not have to apply myself within school and instead dwell in self pity - to not have to stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with a task that I see will require time and effort = 'bail out' and run away utilizing the excuse that I am not capable or good enough to make the task well - using this as a justification and excuse in self interest to not walk self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do the tasks at school and the studying accurately and in-depth when I am able to do it - so that I render myself defective at school = to fail and then have an excuse based on Experience that apparently I am not good enough - when it has been a self-engineered deception in self interest to create an excuse to not stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in order to not take on my education effectively and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I will not make it and that I am not good enough with school even though I have not actually put myself to the test in doing school properly- in self interest to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize instant/automatic excuses such as 'I am not good enough' give up and and not put myself to work but instead = participate in Laziness and Procrastination.

I see, realize and understand that 'bailing out' in 'running away' from my education is impossible as I will have to face education in order to live in this world effectively in terms of money and global change required within an Equal Money System - thus I commit myself to whenever I see that I am about to give up with excuses such as 'I am not good enough' I stop then, breathe and remind myself that this is a Belief if I see in self honesty in the past where I utilized the same excuses to not do school work and then failed - thus = I instead stop repeating the past by working effectively step by step the tasks I have to do to be effective at school.

Day 59: Turning Off 'Dream TV'

 Today I found myself thinking of what I could do in the future within my education, and I was doing this instead of putting myself to study, to procrastinate on studying. I see I was sabotaging myself because results within studies come from accumulation of work/effort/study that produce a result that is passing and getting on with education, reaching that goal that one can think yet it's only a distraction and never the same as reality - because in reality I have to work breath by breath in detail to create results whereas in the mind it is instantaneous - thus not real (ity).


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting myself to work on what I see I could accomplish within my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the ridiculousness of fearing not being able to do in reality something that I can think in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to stick to a plan that I set for myself within my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I can work daily and that this daily efforts will accumulate and that I don't have a direct influence on the final outcome but on it's different parts as days that I have walked that accumulate to create the end result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to scaremonger myself in thinking of getting good results within my studies – without seeing, realizing and understanding the process of accumulation that it entails and that I can't have it done in one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in thinking of getting it done in my education and then fearing to not get good results is contra-productive as I am giving up the very thing that will make the end results, which is adding up to the end result each day a bit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get through my education without having even started.

I commit myself to write a plan for myself to walk my studies effectively.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am focusing and thinking of the 'end product' or 'goal' remind myself to see and understand that I only have an effect on a given moment that I decide to work whenever I have the opportunity so that this work accumulates to the final purpose/goal.

I commit myself to motivate myself to take on my education as a challenge and not as a dull duty.

Whenever I see that I am wasting time in my mind thinking of the future within my education = I stop, breathe, and see that I am sabotaging that very future that I am trying to work out in my mind as I remind myself that good results in education come from the accumulation of work and that thus I should be studying instead of thinking in my head - thus, I move myself to study and stop thinking.

Day 58: Let's get Real, this is not Disney

I have a kind of mug from where I drink water, and it's transparent so I had to check if it was full and yes it was, and I was glad because I was thirsty - and I had filled the mug myself previously but I wasn't sure of it. This lead me to the realization that, obviously, I am the creator of my reality. I am the provider of what I have, what I do has a direct impact on what I experience. It's like sometimes I'd like that I'd pass at school or have this or that, but WTF? if I create my reality it is delusional that I desire anything - I simply do what it takes to create that which is practical and then there it is. To create something that is practical for All, this would be to implement an Equal Money System. And for Myself first, well, the first stop/step is that I get an education, which I am currently walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a good education and pass my exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work to get a good education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass my exams instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work on the things I know will support myself with, such as studying, and doing DIP and DIP Lite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a 'miracle' to save myself in making me pass exams and have a good life - out of nothing - not considering the steps required for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good life instead of working for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a job - instead of getting one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have Money instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up writing - instead of seeing it is self-sabotage in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I commit myself to work on the solutions and stop worrying about how I feel - seeing that 'feeling' is just a veil to not see that the answer is to walk in practicality constantly here as Breath.

I commit myself to solve all my problems here in my reality by walking the Solutions that I know I have to walk so that I don't have to desire anything - to then expand into working in solving this Reality's problems.

I commit myself to stop all self-interest in desires to instead work for what is best for me in the context of what is best for all, at all times.

Day 57: Organization vs. Self-Sabotage

“Anticipate the difficult by managing the easy” - Lao Tzu 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in not organizing myself and my work effectively - rendering myself defective in self interest to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist organizing myself in a schedule  to not have to see that I have to work more - in self interest to not put myself to work effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to render myself ineffective by not effectively organize the papers for school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time in looking for papers for school in not having organized the papers in participating in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the simplicity and effectiveness of being organized and organizing my stuff at school and my time in a daily schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself by not organizing my timetable and my papers for school effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being organized as difficult, in self interest to not have to apply myself effectively in an organized way that is measurable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being measured and seeing that I am clamorously ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that if I don't tackle the problems like being disorganized = I will continue being disorganized and ineffective in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am missing the opportunity to become really effective in not organizing myself effectively.

I commit myself to organize myself and my timetable and my school papers effectively so that is easier for me to work within my day effectively.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I feel overwhelmed by a task, I breathe and stick to simplicity to walk the point effectively one point at a time.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that once I separate any task in separate parts that I am able to do then it becomes easier and thus I must always take on the tasks point by point to walk slowly but surely every point and not give up.

I commit myself to whenever I see I want to give up a task = see if I am trying to do more at once than I am able to and then take a part that I am able to walk so that I continue doing the task to eventually complete it.

Day 56: Maintaining the Commitment

 

I missed 5 days of writing - last time I missed 7 days - This is a bit of an improvement or a big mess up again - lol. I'm Back! Not intending to miss more days, by the way.

Self forgiveness on fear of not being able to maintain my commitment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to maintain the commitment to write daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having time to write within a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a great idea or topic in order to write a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that to write a blog I only need to write it, there is no special self-experience that is needed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to write daily unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need 'inspiration' in order to write a blog or otherwise it will come out a big shit, not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to NOT write a blog in past days where I have not written.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not writing blogs instead of writing blogs daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wasting time is not important at all - that I have to do what is important first and then see that I will no longer want to waste time as 'wasting time' is merely giving into the resistance of 'not wanting to write' - and then doing nothing else that is relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there are really a few things relevant in this life and that I must not get distracted with irrelevant stuff in wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually want to waste time without seeing that I am not enjoying myself and merely trying to avoid doing the tasks that matter - thus it is best that I do the tasks that matter and move out of the 'wasting time' zone or I will die in regret and shame of what I've done with my life.

I commit myself to put my time in the stuff I see that matters - deliberately disregarding the experience of 'wasting time' as distracting myself from doing that which matters, within the realization that I don't really want to waste time because it is not a self-directive decision but a reaction to something I resist doing in self interest = thus not best for All and thus not best for Me either.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am avoiding doing a task = stop, breathe and direct myself to do it within the realization that it is what is Best to do in that moment.

Day 55: A whiny Rich guy

Today I have watched some documentaries where the main theme was poverty and how this affects society and individuals. So here I am seeing lives that are either wrecked through participation in addictions such as Uganda's alcohol problems or slum-dwellers being denied land to live in corrupt development plans in India. After the documentary I was hungry so I went to eat a piece of meat and then it struck me the obvious - that I am rich. Not the rich as in being rich in comparing myself with high-income 'first world' high class citizens but in having all my needs more than covered, a very good education at the reach of my hand, internet, computer, healthcare and a long list of comforts and amenities that more than half of the population of the world can only dream of. And here I am complaining daily of irrelevant points! Come on!

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the situation I am living for what it is: A place of extreme ease that I can utilize to sort out my internal and external realities and change and stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself within the situation that I find myself living in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of utilizing the opportunity I have to make something of myself = complain and slack off in my application to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time daily on entertaining myself to not have to put the points together to change myself, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in a position where I win without considering everyone that is daily losing in all their realities - leading to a miserable life and existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I could be living in a position of poverty and that then I'd like that those that can do something to change the system do it so All can have a dignified life.

I commit myself to honour myself as the opportunity that I have been given = to stop and change myself - within the realization that I have no excuses to not do that as it is in a silver platter for me to do it.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am complaining, bitching or wasting time - stop, see the self interest selfishness within it and correct myself immediately in putting myself to work for myself as All.

Self-change tools available for Free:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
World-Change for All to have the same opportunity to self-change:
http://equalmoney.org

Day 54: Be Nice? Fuck that

Today when I arrived at class the teacher - T - did not reply to my greeting.. As a group we arrived 10 minutes late so he said that it was unacceptable. During the class I played out a reaction to this by not fully listening to what T was saying, not fully participating at times, in some way of absurd 'vengeance'. I see I it is for wanting to be liked by the teacher. 'Succeding' at having T being 'nice' to me is not a measurable practical result that adds within the equation of what is best for all, it has 'no value' in the sense that I do not get the grades based on that - but based on tests and assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to be nice to me in self interest to 'feel good' and feel adequate - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need validation from outside myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good by having the teacher talk to me when I say something - and want to 'rebel against' T when I don't get a 'positive reinforcement' from T - as in T being nice to me - proving myeslf to be an organic robot with a predictable - thus controllable - behaviour in accepting and allowing myself to base my interaction with reality based on feeling and emotion instead of taking responsibility for it and walking in common sense that which is best in every moment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the teacher conditionally - only when T is being nice - not seeing realizing and understanding that in doing that I am completely dependent on something outside of myself to direct myself within school - unacceptable.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my emotion of inadequacy in self interest to not take repsonsibility of my self-created reactions in self-dishonesty i.e. in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to remove myself from the class because of not having been given attention by T - in self interest to not have to take responsibility for my experience of 'feeling bad for having been 'ignored' byT - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had make a mistake by arriving late at class and thus have to correct it, instead of taking in personally when T corrects/adresses a problem like this one.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my behaviour at class depending on how T talks to me and acts in general - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have to do my best at school regardless of the experience I get from my interaction with colleagues or teachers because experience is not to be trusted as I do not know how I create it in the moment I experience it.

I commit myself to whenever someone talks to me - listen to what is being said - and accordingly check within myself if there are reactions and where do I have to place myself according to what is being said.


I commit myself to remind myself that I create my experiences as reactions inside myself and that it is never about the situation or the people invovled, thus within this: I commit myself to whenever I react so something/someone - breathe through and stop all movement initiated by that reaction - to instead walk in self-movement practically.

Day 53: The Show Must Go ON

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up and not be able to continue delivering quality work at school and in my life in general in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not 'living up to' the expectations of others that see how 'well' I am doing in my life and at school - in fear that I will be disregarded if I can't deliver/be consistent in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit myself to change myself and push myself in what I do daily because that means giving up self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on in self interest to being defective and irregular in my application - to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by participating in fear of not being able to continue my application in self discipline forever.

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to within self interest participate in fear of 'being in the spotlight' where some see that I am effective in what I do and thus then I am accountable for what I do within them being able to see if I 'hold back' and go back to self-destructing habits of irresponsible behaviour - and thus this forces myself to have to keep pushing myself to continue walking effectively or otherwise I'd be exposed as self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accountability in self interest to not put myself in a place where I am held accountable for what I do because then I'd have to change or be exposed as a fraud and a cheat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I am being held accountable for what I do in every moment of breath as every moment of breath is mathematically measurable within the equation of accumulation as what is Best for All and thus there is no way to escape from this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider as an option not doing what is Best for All - in the delusion that a path of self-interest is ever possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that walking for this one life that I have been given in the path of self interest has no value at all within seeing/realizing and understanding that such a path is not and never was viable in the first place but a test to see who each one is in having been given total free choice where one can do during one life either that which is Best for All or not, which says in fact ,much about who one is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that - in essence - every day is the same within the realization that it is within the repetition of application in various tasks that I get the results necessary for me to live an effective life and that I don't have to expect from me more than doing my best in every moment of breath - which is easier when being here as Breath, and not up there somewhere participating in the mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see that during my day I jump into projections/desires/hopes and or fear of the future = I Stop, breathe and realize I am fear-mongering myself within my mind to terrorize myself in self intersest to not walk commonsensically here in the daily tasks that I have to do - thus I re-align myself as breath and direct myself to walk such tasks effectively.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am 'backing up' and 'avoiding' facing myself in my daily tasks - stop, breathe and push myself to do my best in every moment of breath - within the realization, and reminding myself that not doing my best in every moment in all I do is to hold onto self-interest to not change to a version of me that is trustworthy to Always act in ways that are Best for All.

- Picture Artwork by: Kelly Posey

Day 52: Write Daily (OR DIE)

It's been a week since I last posted here. Many excuses that I can think of but no excuses are valid because of my agreement to walk this journey to life is to write daily. So I here re-commit myself and forgive myself for having sabotaged myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to my decision of writing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put the blame for not writing outside of myself in blaming imaginary forces - not seeing I am the real force, as the beginning and end of movement within myself happens with my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into giving up instead of motivating myself act in ways that are/will result in what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself in self interest to not have to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself deliberately in acting in ways that make me feel ashamed of myself - in self interest to not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live without shame in every moment.

I commit myself to deliberately act in ways that I will not be ashamed of myself for.

I commit myself to motivate myself to act in ways that I can be proud of myself for doing, and that is to do my best within the principle of what is Best for All at all times.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in the emotion of overwhelmingness or fear, remind myself that it is me creating this experience, it is not real and I can stop it in a moment and walk past the experience and not look back.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am about to or planning to sabotage myself into doing something that I will be ashamed for in order to give up self responsibility in self interest - stop, see what it is that I was planning and forgive myself to then redirect myself to live free of guilt and shame.

Day 51: The Fear Monger Character. Part 1

On Yesterday's blog Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

I realized today that I didn't direct the main point of self-interest in self forgiveness, which is that I was terrorizing myself with fear in order to not study, to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with fear in self-interest to not have to take self-responsibility for myself within education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that fear is real in self interest in order to have an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within studying.


I commit myself to whenever I see that I am participating in the emotion of fear: Stop, breathe and do that which I am fearing in the understanding that there is a point of self interest behind this fear that is covering up a point I am not yet willing to take responsibility for.

That same day of last blog where during the day I was not doing school work: I started doing jokes to M. like 'scare/scary' jokes. This I've called the Fear Monger Character - wanting others to react in fear to what I do to try and make fear real so that I can have an excuse that fear apparently is to be feared - when it's only self-interest, a cover up to not take self responsibility; trying to make fear real in self-interest to utilize the fear on myself to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want M. to react in fear to things I do for me to try and make fear real  in self-interest so I can utilize fear as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feed-off' energetically from M. reacting in fear to what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by making someone else react in fear equals to 'fear is real' - not seeing/realizing and understanding that someone believing fear is real does not make it real.

I see, realize and understand that fear is not real but a cover up for irresponsible, self interested-driven human beings.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am fear-mongering someone: Stop, breathe and move myself to take responsibility for myself in doing that which I am trying to escape from in fear-mongering others.

I commit myself to whenever I am fear-mongering myself: Stop, breathe and move myself to take responsibility for myself by investigating and doing that which I am trying to avoid doing.

I commit myself to investigate and correct all instances in my life where I am fear-mongering others and myself to see where I accepted and allowed self-limitation to exist in giving excuses as fear to not take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to investigate why it is that I fear some subjects like Math, Chemistry or Physics and what self-responsibility I am trying to avoid within this to then move on to forgive and correct myself to take responsibility for it.

To be Continued

Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

During the day I was experiencing myself somehow uneasy. There was this exam scheduled for next week that I was not confident of because I had still not gone through the last assignments of the subject and I have judged them as difficult because it takes time and effort for me to solve them. Well, so instead of putting it more time during the day I wandered off from here to there not doing school work or other work I usually do in my day. Then at night I realize the exam is not scheduled until a week later than I thought and suddenly it's like this weight is no longer here. But it was never here! Yet I allowed myself to compromise myself in not directing myself to take on the subject, because I had judged it as difficult I was absurdly avoiding it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by procrastinating on studying for the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize 'being difficult' as an excuse to not study a subject regularly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that as well as I can accumulate myself to be effective the day of the exam = I can accumulate unsolved material that can make it virtually impossible for me to go through effectively in time so that I can pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate undone homework in having judged it as difficult instead of placing time for me accumulate slowly but surely for me to be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the petrification as fear of an exam that I have not practiced enough - not seeing realizing and understanding that if I study = I still can be scared yet I will be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to only move myself if I don't experience fear - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I will have to go through it if it is here, even though I know it is not real - I have to walk regardless of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put fear as an excuse in self interest to not have to face myself within school.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am 'wandering off'/procrastinating during the day: Stop, write on a paper/screen the tasks I have to do and get them done one by one in distributing time amongst the tasks and remaining here as breath as I do them.

I see, realize and understand that fearing a subject and using this fear as an excuse to not apply myself within it = is not valid.

I commit myself to push myself to get my daily study work done effectively so that I make sure that I am building the structure to pass the exams and not the other way around.

Day 49: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear - Part 2

Continuing of the last post, see Day 48: Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to other students failing the exam instead of being here as breath doing the exam the best I can.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to exist within me in doing the exam - in not seeing the practicality of walking practically commonsensically Here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself because others are getting low marks in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the teacher is going against me/students in putting traps in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of fear of the teacher putting traps in the exam and react to it by changing all the apparent responses in the exam of which I was not sure.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard and override some of my previous choices in the test in fear that the teacher might have put a very difficult exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that difficult is something that some exams or subjects are and that I am Subject to experience difficulty when there is 'consensus' in a class that some subject or some test is judged as difficult.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the class for saying the exam is difficult when it was me that judged the exam as difficult when learning that most of the class failed the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why the other students were not passing the exam was because there were traps in the exam - without assessing if this belief is in fact true or a reaction in fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make opinions and draw conclusions from getting to know that most of the class was failing the exam without assessing those opinions and conclusions first


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as valid the belief that the teacher had put traps in the questions when hearing that most of the class were failing the test just because it appeared in my mind - without first assessing what triggered this thought and if it is in fact real the content of it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw conclusions from the thought and fear that the teacher might have put traps in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system is against me and that I must beat the system - instead of seeing that if I follow the rules of the system of for instance school, I can work within the system and prevent being rejected by the system and in fact - accepted.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that believing that the teacher/system is against me will cloud my judgement because I will act in fear and not in self-direction; in survival instead of directive-principle of what is Best for All.


I commit myself to whenever I think the teachers/system is against me: Breathe, realize that I am the system as I am all that exist and put myself to work within the rules of the system but not being influenced by it but in directing an outcome that is Best for All.


I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in fear of failing the test: Stop, breathe and trust myself that the questions that I have given enough attention are done and move on to the remaining questions and only check 'back' if there is more time left - not wasting time in re-rechecking but doing it to the best of my ability the first time because then I don't need to look twice/make sure twice if I don't have time left when I finish the exam.


I commit myself to trust myself to the point that when I am sure of an answer, not change it until proven otherwise with enough cross-referencing that the new point/change is valid.


I commit myself to whenever I see I am doubting myself - breathe, relax my muscles of the back, sit straight and read the question of the exam and all the possible answers as well as check within myself what it is that I know about the question and then accordingly choose the best option available.

To Continue