April 21, 2012

Day 8: Last Minute Movement

Artwork by Andrew Gable
Day 8:

What is up with me studying always at the last moment? Preventing me from studying or moving myself in general until the last moment to then rush through the experience of 'getting there' in fear of not being able to 'get there' like in having an exam = is  boosting my mind-energy by deliberately postpoinig starting an activity until I am not certain wether I will be able to make it or not due to the little time availabe, where I can blame not having studied much as the reason to give to myself if I don't pass the exam.

This is a form of not trusting myself because I let myself postpone until a point where I am not sure if I will succeed at the task I have to do, to have an excuse if I don't complete the task in time or if don't get the result I wanted with the task, by saying  the excuse that I did not prepare myself with enough time.

This is not giving myself the opportunity to finish the points and see for myself if I am effective or not REALLY, because by doing stuff at the last minute I am jumping and skimming through the task I have to do and never get deep into it, so I can't be specific and get the thing done apporpiately. In doing this I make myself to fail at the task and then judge myself - and all this done in self-interest to not have to face myself, because if I prove to myself with this manipulation that I am not able to do something when I fail the task, apparently I don't have to face myself within the task that I failed due to not letting myself work through the requiered points to do it with enough time and dedication put into it.

All the points in the past where I failed at my studies, for instance, I did not prepare myself effectively. This is an ego point because if I were to prepare myself for an exam, and then the result were a fail, then I would take it personally.

In procrastinating and doing stuff at the last moment if I fail I utilize the excuse that I didn't have time/I didn't start in time so it's not my fault, apparently, it's not that 'I am not able to do it' it's just that 'I have not given myself enough time to do it' and 'if I give myself enough time to do it, I can do it' but I never do give myself enough time, so I can never prove myself that I can. So, this is utter bullshit mutliplied by infinite because by not wanting to find myself in the position where I applied myself to get a result for instance in my studies - and then I get the opposite result to what I wanted to have = I take it personally as in 'I am not able to do it/I am therefore stupid/dumb/less than those that can do it'. In fear of finding myself in the position where I apply myself to get a point done and fail it, I deliberately put myself in that position by  not giving myself time to apply myself within it so that at the end I don't see it as a 'personal' fault/defect of myself but that I can blame it due to not having enough time.

See, by fearing to find myself in the realization that I could not pass an exam eventhough I studied thoroughly I am putting myself in the position where I do fail the exams - but my ego remains intact with excuses. Here I have to take a decision, wheter I give up Ego and put myself to the test in studying and going to the exam and seeing if I pass it or not, or procrastinate, not prepare myself and fail at the exam (or not) and if not, be able to blame that I did no thave enough time.

Since Ego is not real and my marks at school do have an impact on what I can do in this reality, I'll rather stop this Ego insanity trip and realize that even if I apply myself and study and then fail, it only means that 1: I have not been applying myself effectively and/or 2:I have to keep pushing and applying myself within the points I've been walking so that I am prepared to pass the exam.

Here some Self Forgiveness to move myself from Ego to best for all self-movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as and for Ego, in order to preserve it, even if I have to fail at my exams in order for it to be left 'untouched'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately procrastinate to apply myself in studiyng until it is the last minute so that if I fail, I don't have to blame myself but I can blame not having enough time - instead of realizing that the end result is the same: Not passing the exam - and thus the point of preserving something that is not real - Ego - is not valid at all but extensive self-abuse and self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing that I am not able to pass an exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of not being able to pass an exam, participate/design a system to protect my Ego that consists in not preparing myself effectively for the exam so that if I fail, I can blame not having studied/not having studied enough as the cause for not passing the exam, so that I can maintain the illusion and self-image and self-judgement of myself as intelligent - and where if I pass, I can congratulate myself and boost my ego with the thought and the speaking and sharing the 'epic tale' that I passed the exam 'eventhough I studied at the last moment/I studied very little'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I pass an exam having studied for a short period of time it means that I am better than others, wiser and clever.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that this strategy of studying at the last moment is nothing of clever or wise but self-sabotage to not have to face myself if I don't pass the exam after studying/putting effort in studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I prepare myself for an exam and I don't pass that exam, I am stupid and I have reached the point where I know that THAT is my limit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing that I have reached the maximum that I can do within my studies, instead of realizing that studying is like any form of training where if one trains one gets better at it and so the effectiveness in exams increases through application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I study for an exam and don't pass it, I am then not able to pass it - instead of realizing that I can integrate the knowledge and how-to necessary to pass the exam with my application in studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate studying until it is the last minute in fear that if I study and don't pass the exam it will mean that I am not good enough.

I forgive myeslf that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough and want to cover it by not applying myself in studying until it is too late so that when I don't pass the exam I can blame it on not having had enough time to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to miantain an illusion self-judgement about myself as wise and intelligent and fear this belief being shattered by putting effort and time to studying and then getting a bad result on the exam.

I forgive mysel that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in order to be successful at my studies I have to walk step by step the applicaiton of myself within studying so that it accumulates each day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that unless I put the time and effort to study I will not see what I need to change - or not - in order to pass the exams and in order to get better at studying and in order to actually pass the course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make something that is not real as Ego and Fear of failing real - in reacting to my fear of seeing myself fail despite my effort for passing an exam - by not studying until it's too late so that I can blame not passing the exam on not having had enough time to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that failing exists and that if I don't pass an exam it means that I have failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I don't pass an exam and that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not prepare my exams in order to be able to blame my 'unpreparedness' so that I don't have to see myself as stupid/dumb and less than those that passed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself as imperfect and not able to pass through an exam if I have studied for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I prepare myself for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I am dumb, stupid and less than those that did pass it - instead of realizing that I need more application and that my effectiveness and direction is not enough and needs expansion through self-application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that if I study for an exam with what I percieve as 'enough time' and dedication and then I don't pass it it means that I have failed and therefore I am - and have to judge myself as - defective, dumb, stupid and 'less than' those that passed the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in fear of not passing an exam if I have studied for it in fear of breaking the believe and self-judgement about myself that I am smart, intelligent and clever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as smart, intelligent and clever and want to keep this created self-image and believe about myself by not walking through an experience where I see that I am the opposite of it: dumb, stupid and less-than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a polarity in passing or not passing an exam where if I don't pass I am stupid/dumb and less than others that pass it and if I pass I am clever, intelligent and smart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort-out the polarity I placed within passing or not passing an exam by not studying until the last minute/until it's too late so that I don't have to blame myself for not passing by using the excuse that I did not have time -instead of realizing that the net result of doing this is failing most or all the exams I present myself to and that if I fail an exam that I have prepared it does not mean that I am therefore a stupid, dumb and inferior being than those that did pass it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in studying for my exams so that there is no opportunity to shatter the self-image and belief about myself that I am clever, intelligent and smart because if I don't pass I utilize the excuse of not having prepared myself and if I do pass I can judge myself as smart, intelligent and clever for having passed eventhough I had very little time to study -  in both cases feeding my Ego as self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to define myself as better or worse in relation to how I perform at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined myself according to how I perform at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself by the fear of being unable of practically passing my studies/exams and within this separate myself from my studies and in doing this create an alternate reality where I always win and I don't have to face myself with practicality/the physical reality of studying that requires step by step application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose being a winner in my mind and a failure at my studies than to apply myself at my studies and deal with self-judgements in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure for not having passed exams/courses of my studies in the past..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not humble myself by walking the studying in time that is necessary to prepare an exam effectively and going to the exam and thus exposing the believes about myself to be broken if I do fail the exam/not pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to preserve my self image and perception about myself as clever create a system where that perception as my ego is never challenged by having excuses as to why I didn't pass and also being able to boost this perception-narcissistic idea about myself of being clever if I do pass by saying to myself that I am such a clever guy for having passed an exam with little time to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I pass an exam I am smarter than if I don't pass it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the full opportunity to pass an exam by not studying and doing all that is required to prepare myself effectively within the limitations of physical reality and instead preserve my Ego as self definition of being superior as smart and clever in placing the excuse of not having had time to study in studying at the last minute so that if I fail in passing the exam my ego remains intact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in my self definition of clever to the point of creating myself to risk to fail all the exams I do by studying at the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the point where this system of studying at the last minute worked had to reach an end as I moved through the stages of education where the difficulty and specificity and the time required and effort required is increased - so that I would not be able to pass by studying at the last minute as a selection process of the education system so that only a few can get and pass through higher education as a filter so that not everyone can get to the top of it and only those that managed to apply themselves effectively get there.

I realize that I am not a failure for having failed exams or repeated study years.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself in participating in my mind as perceptions about myself but to deal with my studies at the practical level of the physical by not allowing the mind to fuck up with myself by breathing through my application.

I commit myself to stop judging myself according to the results I get at my studies.

I commit myself to stop fearing my own self judgement by stopping it when I see it in what I do - as I realize that not moving myself to study is judging myself as incapable of passing an exam and a mechanism that protects my ego so that if I don't get to pass the exam, I can blame not having had time to study as the cause of not passing the exam instead of having to change myself.

I commit myself to change myself to become effective at my studies instead of using self-deception and blame to not have to take responsibility for my studies.

I commit myself to stop whenever I see that I am going again to procrastination in order to blame not having had time to study.

I commit myself to study as I realize that in studying I am stopping my ego by not giving me a 'way out' through blaming 'not having had time to study' as the reason of failing the exams - as I realize that by the mere fact that I procrastinate studying until it's the last moment/too late = I am in fact wasting time and thus I cannot claim in any way whatsoever that I did not have enough time, as I procrastinated and wasted the time available to study.


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