Day 112: Paranoia of Failure - Part Two

Continuing from: Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

An interesting point came up, which is the point of desires, and I see how I saw 'living in the system' and going to get a job and make money 'seriously' meaning to get a good career - I despised that in the sense of seeing it as the way of 'self-interest' but yet I desired it - in terms of what one can achieve through that, through having money. So instead of sorting myself  out and seeing for myself that yes I can support myself to have a good career and take responsibility for myself as 'who I am'/what I have become - at the same time, instead I participated in 'Paranoia of Failure' to not take responsibility for myself and so that I can ultimately 'simply work for money', 'follow my desires' and not care about taking responsibility for myself but invest my life and money in living out my desires.

In a nutshell, and this one I give to myself, I did not "have the courage" to live out my desires/self-interest and suppressed it, but continued to not take responsibility for myself just in case 'I get to live that'. So I did not immediately go and live out the desire, but wait in hope that maybe possibly at some point in the future I can live them. All this was unnecessary. It is not a problem to have a good career - it is in fact useful to do something of worth in this life. The part that is a problem is the mind and sorting out this desires/suppression. The solution is to make and live the decision to change: to stop self-interest, and to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires yet want to hold onto them and so participate in 'Paranoia of Failure' so that maybe in the future I 'get to live out my desires' - in self-interest to entertain myself and not take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make and walk the decision to stop self-interest and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can entertain myself in this life through living out desires, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can't avoid taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more desires than myself and what I can be and become if I take responsibility for me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-interest of wanting to live out my desires, instead of evaluating them and see what is valid if any and what is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the gift within 'Paranoia of Failure' as I have been able to see where I was deceiving myself and that I can create a life for myself walking the Principles I've committed myself to live by - instead of desires.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not my desires.

I commit myself to plan my life, so that I am no longer controlled by desires but know in detail that I am walking within the principles I commited myself to live by.

Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 110: No One Can Stop Me But Myself

Continuing on Day109: Back to Busy-ness, I will expand doing self forgiveness on the following realization: I cannot give up on myself because I have no one else to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by not writing the blogs whenever I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself whenever I use excuses to not direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself whenever I don’t believe in myself/trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself by not writing about whatever it is that ‘is bothering me’ at the end of my day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself through writing blogs consistently every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to write a blog every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake when writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when I fear to make a mistake writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my words, written or spoken.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself to go out of my comfort zone and do the very things that I resist doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is comfort in procrastination and inactiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that no one can prevent me from writing but myself.

Whenever I see that I am dwelling in the perceived comfort of procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the experience is not real, but an energy-stimulated experience that is irrelevant to anything real – thus I commit myself to immediately move myself to snap out of the ‘comfort zone’ and instead go into the ‘challenging zone’ where I move past my own perceived limitations.

Whenever I see that I am giving up on myself by not directing myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that every breath counts, so I must make the most of it. I commit myself to utilize my time on earth to my utmost potential within each and every breath.

Whenever I see that I put up excuses to not write a blog in a day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that using excuses reveals that I am not being self-honest. I commit myself to whenever I see I am making up excuses, evaluate in self-honesty whether I can practically in space-time write a blog or not and act accordingly.

Whenever I see that I doubt myself when writing or when I am about to write a blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have no other way but to trust myself that I can write an acceptable blog. I commit myself to trust myself in writing daily.

Day 109: Back to Busy-ness

by Andrew Gable Artist

I was about to post a new blog entry when I saw that the last blog post was from 6 June 2014 which is more than a month ago. It is interesting how the mind works, and how the perception of self and time is not reliable at all. Let me explain. It does not feel like that much time has passed yet it has been two months. More than two months since I last wrote a blog and posted it. I am not saying that I have been writing blog posts in private and not posting them - that is not usually the case, if I have not been posting then it means that, well, I am not writing -- and this is unacceptable. It starts with one day of not writing, that then amounts to a month, two months -- it is not the first time that this has happened and it is not cool to say the least. It is interesting how self-perception is always better than our actual behaviour is in fact, -- it is like studying, I can do little things here and there and say I am studying but then if the day of the exam I don't peform well at all what does it say about my application = that it was insufficient. So it is the same with blogging, it doesn't matter what I think about anything, it is what it is, and the way to keep myself on track is to simply make sure I do my stuff and get the things done day by day. This is the topic of the blog that I wrote for today, and this was simply an epilogue to say -- I am sorry -- but not sorry for myself but simply to say that I have squandered time by not blogging and that I commit myself to from now on make sure I wrote as frequently as I can, daily if I can so that I dont get lost in self-perception self-deception.

Here the blog entry for today:

Recently I was working a summer job and I was very effective, even getting compliments from employers and co-workers ond my performance. Once back at home, it did not translate into being more effective at my responsibilities. Recently I have seen that this is because at the job I was doing, which was phyisical, doing food with my hands, selling food -- I could not afford to be in my mind and wandering off in thoughts for example, as it would cost me -- and did in fact cost me a cut in a finger for example. When I am at home, then I have to apply the same rules so to speak, to not allow myself to go into thoughts and instead apply self -discilpline in simply getting done what is necessary to be done -- and not believe that because I am not working at a job that I can afford to be in my mind  -- because as I have seen for myself, I am not effective if I allow myself to participate in my mind, entertain myself in my mind, sit down, sleep too much = I have to make things happen, get things done, and not allow thoughts, emotions and feelings to stop me - like I did at work thus proved I can do it everywhere.

This realization came up when I was with my cat, it was on my chest quite comfortable, and I realized that, the cat does not know what goes on in my mind, he knows me by my physical, my physical body -- and that is want counts,  I can not feed him, play with him or clean his bowl with my mind, all that counts I do with my body, so I cannot afford to pay attention to my mind for most of the time in a day, it does not matter, it matters what I do physically, the same thing that counted when I was working, it counts how many vegetables I cut, or how much pizza I sell -- the same with blogs, with getting anything done, it is not done in the mind as thoughts for example, it takes physical action -- thus this is how I can be more effective, by focusing on getting stuff done, and stopping the mind works that I allow to render me ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself convict to the con of consciousness as thoughts, feelings, emotions  by participating in them and not doing the stuff that is required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up excuses not to do stuff, instead of walking self honesty by doing whatever it is I can do to the extent that I can, as then I don't need  excuses any more.

Whenever I see that I am giving excuses to not do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that giving excuses is not valid, as I have to see for myself wether I can do something or not practically and then there is no choice but do what I can do practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that excuses are not valid, and that I can do ALL that I can do, no more and no less -- thus I commit mysel f to do ALL I can do in my Journey to Life.

I commit myself to remind myself that no matter how bad and gloomy I see some task in my mind, it is not real, and that if I in common sense see that I can walk a task for myself, then I am able to do it and should do it until proven otherwise practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that feelings/emotions and thoughts are not real, that I should not base my decisions and actions on them .

Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

About a year ago, some of us started with a series about 'Paranoia' which you can read more about in the many JTL blogs/vlogs. In my case I choose to do Paranoia of Failure because of my experience with Failure.  I did not start at the same time and until now I have not adressed it. Why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure?

The first thing that comes up as a reaction is an excuse - that I was studying/doing exams -- but I have had many hours and days where I had the time to write the blogs on paranoia of failure and yet I did not. If time was not a problem, why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure? Because then I would have to change. If I expose and unravel how I participate in the point of Failure from the starting point of self-interest, then I will have to stop it, or otherwise I will be exposed as abuser - and therefore its 'easier' to simply not investigate the point.  Also, I would have to take responsibility for myself and change. I start today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, so that I don't have to change by taking responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the point of paranoia of failure so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve in self-complacency by continuing to not take responsibility for the point of paranoia of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to not take responsibility for myself despite knowing what to do - thus being deliberate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider myself or others in not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue living in self-deception by not investigating the patterns of failure that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can avoid taking self-responsibility by not looking at the points that I have created to not have to take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'trap myself' by not investigating and changing and instead continuing to participate in the points of paranoia of failure - to not have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself within the point of paranoia of failure.

I commit myself to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, and take responsibility for myself within what I find.

I commit myself to correct myself practically within the points of paranoia of failure so that I stop my limitations and instead live in a way that I can develop my utmost potential.

Day 107: The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live by the following principles:


1. Realising and living my utmost potential

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment  and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 106: Tiredness by Beliefs

Sleep, almost with a little bending of the L you can get 'Sheep'. Sleep control and what the media has tried to indoctrinate of us to sleep - of which there is a cool video Hangout here. I won't go into that but instead into how I have manipulated myself into acting differently when I have not had too much sleep/enough sleep. So last night I did not have a lot of sleep but about half of what I should have slept, and then in the afternoon I was not effectively working on math problems as effectively as I did the day before when I had more sleep. What is interesting is that later in the afternoon, when I finished the math classes, I was full of energy. So it means that I was manipulating myself to not perform/apply myself as effectively because of beliefs that if I am tired then I cannot operate/function effectively - that if I have not slept enough one night then it has to affect my ability to direct my day and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have not slept as much as I usually sleep or if I have slept only a little = that I will not be able to be effective at mind-work related tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is only if I participate in the mind that I am 'slow and dull' and that I am 'here' and alert when I am Here as breath, even if I have not slept the usual amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose myself the limitation of not being able to direct my day and responsibilities effectively in participating in the belief that = if I do not sleep the required hours the day before = the next day I will not be able to 'function' properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of walking moment by moment, pre-design my experience within my day by believing that I will automatically be tired if I have not slept the amount of hours I normally sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not delving and doing the stuff that I find difficult with the excuse that I am tired - when in fact I am immediately aware and prepared to do any other activity, which reveals that - in that moment - I am not really limited by not having slept the regular amount of hours.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see for myself if I am really tired and need to have a rest or if I can walk my responsibilities - and according to this - walk my day.

Whenever I see that I am putting excuses to not do some activities but can do others easily, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in excuses and self-limitation by avoiding walking my responsibilities.

I commit myself to disregard excuses that 'I am tired' and instead assess if I can do an activity in the moment.

I commit myself to assess the real physical condition of my body and see if I am making up an experience with my mind where I am not effective or if I really need to stop and rest if possible.

I commit myself to make the necessary arrangements to be able to provide my body with the neccessary support in terms of sleep and eat so that I dont have to put unnecessary stress on it.

I commit myself to identify and stop whenever I am participating in excuses to not engage and walk my responsibilities effectively.

I commit myself to walk my day/responsibilities without a preconceived idea of the state that my mind and body will be in based in how much I have slept - but instead assess the state of my body in the moment and act accordingly by taking common sense practical decisions that consider my body and without allowing self-limitation of the mind such as believes that I must be tired.

Day 105: Input - Output

There is a basic premise in Math that for you to get a result, there must be something that produces the result - or else you get none, zero. Today I was working on a math problem where I missed writing a number and at the end of the excercise, instead of getting the full four answers that I expected to get, I got three - because at the beggining of the problem I only introduced three numbers instead of the four that was required. This mistake I did was a begginers mistake as I was distracted and did not check properly when applying the rules of the exercise. So what you put in is what you get out of things. Like writing blogs and studying and everything in life you give and then you receive. Jesus put it best 'Give as you would like to recieve'. Writing blogs as self support and in the way maybe possibly assisting others in their processes is very significant.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to discipline myself to write every day/as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the more I support myself in writing and in applying myself = the more I will expand in my process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the more I push beyond my accepted and allowed limitations = the more I will be able to do/become/achieve in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that time is a created thing - where I can make time to do many things within my day to support myself such as writing or studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the more I support and assist myself with Blogs and by walking my process - the more I will expand - within the principle of giving and recieving - giving to me and recieving from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live Self Esteem, 'Self as Team'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me the gift of self-support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the fact that I have not lived self-support and self-esteem effectively until now is a simple begginner's mistake and that I can learn from it and correct myself for a better outcome in my life/living experience.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I create my reality and experience and my world and that living self support should manifest in all areas of my participation or else I will create an imbalance by not taking care of all dimensions/areas where i participate.

I commit myself to check and correct myself in all areas of my life/participation where I see that I am not effectively living self-support and self-esteem.

I commit myself to remind myself of my responsibility 'response hability' to deal with all the problems/issues that may arise -- as I am the creator of my experience and thus my own and only saviour/assistence in every moment of breath.

Day 104: The Old Self Must Go

To 'Burn my old self' - As it is Not Real in the first place.

My 'old self' are all the patterns/behaviours that I participate in that do not take into consideration me as a responsible human being nor take into consideration all other life. I've seen how, I have kept repeating the same mistakes/behaviours that are not assisting or allowing myself to expand myself in my responsibility to care for all life - including myself in the first place. It takes a process of 7 to 14 years to de-construct the old self - which is why I am writing this blog as a proof and written record of what I am doing that can also assist others in their respective Journey to Life because essentially we are all the same - yet with different points that we are walking/ in different life experiences on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that unless I stop and change myself, I will continue to live and do as my old self/ as I did in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on stopping my old self with the tools at my disposition by judging it as 'too much'. Within this - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that because I have created and accepted and allowed myself to become who I am at the moment = I can also take it apart, delete the old self and build up myself again in self-integrity.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the common sense that unless I stop myself in every moment = I am allowing my old self to continue.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate what/who I have become - in fear of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that unless I investigate who/what I have become = I am powerless to change me.

Whenever I see that I am about to participate/am participating in patterns of my old self and not direct myself effectively in common sense, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to stop myself in every moment because my old self will not simply go away by itself, I have to stop it because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in it until now.

Whenever I see that I am judging myself/judging 'my old self' - I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is not to take it personally but to understand, forgive, and let go of the points. I realize that what/who I have become won't be pretty/a nice thing to witness - yet dealing with it and stopping it is the best thing to do because after I am done with it - it will no longer exist - and life can be born from the physical.

I commit myself to put it my all into walking my process of change.

I commit myself to apply myself in doing all the neccessary actions to stop my old self within the realization that 'I remain' and only what is not real can ever go away/disappear.

I commit myself to continue walking until my old self no longer exists.


To be continued in the next post

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Day 103: Me

I have been listening to this song by Joao Jesus called 'She' - which is awesome - but it got me thinking that, hey, I can be awesome too - just that I have to put myself to it. SO I did some general self forgiveness to get me moving to go  study math, and here is what I did:

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust in my capabilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrain myself into not voicing myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself into walking the practical application of the potential I see in myself of what I can be and become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to become more by having patience with me to walk with myself through the necessary processes

I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the urgency that I must stand up
for myself, yet I must slow down in order to speed up

To be continued in the next post.

* You can donwload 'She' here, for free

Lyrics:

She,
She is like a light in a dark room
With curly hair to fight away the gloom
You’ve never seen such care

She won’t stop until she gets it done
Even a horse she can outrun
And she can be quite fun

She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger
She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger

She,
She has traveled across the stars
Although she barely can drive a car
She can get to where you are

In just one single breath
She can see beyond death
And show you how to be free

She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger
She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger

I hope you get the chance
To meet her for a dance

She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger
She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger

I hope you get the chance
To meet her for a dance

-

Thanks to JJ for the awesome Music!

Day 102: Self Awareness and Correcting Myself

One of my fears when deciding to stand up for myself has been the fear of giving up along the way, of not continue to apply myself effectively - in a way, wanting to control the outcome by having the certainty that I will suceed or else I will not start. One thing that I have seen is that I am aware when 'things get out of control' this is, when I am not directing myself effectively - and so within that I have the opportunity to take action. Another thing I have seen is that I also have the opportunity to do again when I don't get things right the first time - For example, yesterday I was until late writing the blog but I did not come up with a relevant blog at first, meaning it was taking me time to write it and I allowed myself to go to sleep without finishing it - thus not effectively walking the point of one blog a day -- however, here I am in the morning after waking up writing a blog, giving myself the opportunity to stand.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the key is self-honesty, meaning that because of the fact that I am aware of when I can do more - of when I am not doing enough = I can correct myself. Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that 'giving up' is not something that 'happens to me' but a very badly informed decision - and I can instead decide to stand up for myself no matter what because I see what is giving up and what is not in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will give up myself somewhere along the line of my process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted allowed myself to trust myself enough to walk my process unconditionally in self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control the outcome of my process by wanting to know how will unfold, without realizing that it is not pre-programmed and that I have to walk it unconditionally regardless.

Whenever I see that I am not doing enough/not directing myself effectively in my day to day walking, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to make a difference for myself once that I am aware of the problem in my application, thus I commit myself to act wherever I see I am not applying myself effectively and to 'leave no stone unturned'in my investigation and correction of the issues with the tools of self honesty, self forgiveness and practical application until I have it done and I am effective in my walking.

I commit myself to direct myself in every moment in what I do - to act where I see in self honesty I am able to do more for myself.

To continue in the next post

Picture Art by Andrew Gable

Day 101: Do or Die

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog. I made excuses in my mind such as having to come up with a specific blog that I have to write since a long time ago, and basically because I was not writing that blog I was not posting anything else.

It is the same with missing class with a private tutor that I attend, because I did not want to show up without having done a task we started, and when I finally decide to go regardless of not having this task done and simply attending with the intention to do the task there, it turns out that we do another thing. So I will still have time to do the other task by myself.

So, excuses are lame and that is that. You either take responsibility for you - and me for me - or you don't. And that is something I can live in every moment of breath, with taking practical decisions.

Another example is the task of walking my lesson of the DIP course, where I avoided it completely and today put myself to it and to my surprise, I enjoyed reading the lesson - and I've seen for myself once more that not applying myself is accepting and allowing myself to live and continue living in utmost limitation and fear - that is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not have to take responsibility for myself in writting blogs and with studiyng and other tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life without giving myself direction as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not applying myself as self-responsibility in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to the excuses that I make up in my mind to not direct myself - without realizing that I then pay with the wasting away of my life/time on earth and other consequences that manifest with me not taking responsibility for myself.

Whenever I see that I come up with an excuse in my mind to not walk/do a task, I stop and I breathe, I realize the inevitable that I take responsibility for myself and therefore I stop the thought and continue with doing the task.

I commit myself to me and disregard all distractions/excuses and instead walk my responsibilities within and as steadfastness. I see/realize and understand that participating in procrastination is a time and opportunity waster.

Whenever I see that I am not appling myself as self-direction in my life, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have proven myself in the past that I can take responsibility for myself in walking tasks dilligently - so I put myself to work on the practical tasks of taking responsibility for me and my life.

I commit myself to give myself direction as self-responsibility in self-honesty in every moment of breath.

To continue in the next post