Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind

This is a continuation of day 40 and day 39:

Day 39: Priority Task vs Any Task

Day 40: Doing my Best or Not

Whenever I see that I am wanting to give up I breathe and see what it is that I am trying to fulfill of expectations of myself and see the ridiculousness of making predictions when I am not a wizard and I don't know myself in fact - so I can't know how I will perform in a task specially when I have never done it before.

I see/realize/understand that wanting to keep an image of myself as self-directive and capable of doing a task is due to me having placed my self value in an image of myself that I created in my mind.

I see/realize and understand that my self value is not based on an image I have about myself or others have of me.

Whenever I am disappointed or going into disappointment and apathy I stop and breathe, and see what it is that Is running in my mind and what it was that I created of expectations and projections of myself in the future.

I commit myself to remind myself of the ridiculousness of the self-trap that I get myself into every time I don't move myself/isolate myself due to fear of not fulfilling an expectation I created in my mind of myself in fear of learning that apparently I cannot do that task and then I have to be disappointed with myself and judge myself as inferior/less than others who can do that task.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not more or less than another being because of having different skills and instead I remind myself that there is only one real skills which is life skills = writing and self forgiveness lived practically.

I see/realize/understand that I placed a value in the image of myself being directive IN MY MIND not seeing that this is but a mere image, a movie, a projection, light, nothing but something that fades away at death.

I commit myself to stop living up to the expectations of my mind by always doing my best to not break this idol as the image of myself being directive in my mind – and instead I shatter this **cker with self forgiveness and practical correction as it is not and was never real.

I commit myself live in humblesness in walking step by step the takes that take to complete a task without going into expectations and fear by walking/pushing myself to move to the best of my ability.

I commit myself to every day start anew in re-commiting myself to assist myself unconditionally.

I understand that I can never fulfill a picture in my mind because it is not based on reality so I commit myself to walk the process to see what it means to direct myself in the physical – not living up there in my mind reacting to reality in wanting to protect the 'precious images' of myself in my mind.

I understand that it is not true that 'we can't change' as the belief that if I am not successful at doing something that I did to the best of my ability then I cannot do that/I am not capable to do that.

I understand that the belief that I am limited if I find myself unable to do something I do to the best of my ability is not real and that I am capable to create myself and have in fact created mysef - even if I don't know how -and there is no other way to it but to take self responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to investigate how it is that I have got to a point of ineffectiveness in my life whenever I do something that I am not effective at so that I can push and create myself to be effective in that task.

I commit myself to walk all the tasks I do to the best of my ability in the realization that if I don't do that I won't know what I am really capable of and how much I can change myself to break free from my limitations.

Day 40: Doing my Best or Not

This is a continuation of the previous day's Blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can predict how much time it will take for me to become or do something instead of seeing that it is not true and that I am entrapping myself in unproven facts about myself - so when I don't live up to the expectations of what I think I can do then I am disappointed with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on and keep believing that I am capable of whatever it is that I did not succeed at doing – instead of proving it in space-time practically for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to maintain the fallacy that I am self-directive and capable to do a lot of work in a day – so I will keep believing that I can do something when again and again reality proves me otherwise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always blame the fact that I did NOT do the tasks to the best of my ability when I fail at doing something – Never doing any task for real to the best of my ability to prevent at all cost to become disappointed if I see that I am not capable of doing a task the way I thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do something to the best of my ability and fail = I can't do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do something to the best of my ability and not succeed I have to take it personally as who I am = a failure.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myelf to see the trap within this construct = that I keep failing at school and many other areas where I may fail and yet keep believing that I can do it but never do it for real and then give the excuse I didn't put enough time or effort or any other excuse = all to not see myself as inferior or a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that yes, it is possible that I cannot do some task at some point but I do not know that I will NEVER be able to do a task – giving up my self responsibility to myself as self-creator when I accept facts about myself as uncheangable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind and thoughts that I create in my mind where I picture myself as being effective and directive instead of living effectiveness and self-directiveness in my life – not seeing that I am filling myself with fear of not reaching this picture-perfect me in my mind where I see myself as successful – not realizing it is only a picture in my mind - not real – that I can delete at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to maintain an image of myself as self-directive = not push myself to the best of my hability to do a task because in case I am not able to match the image of myself being directive in my mind then I will be disappointed and believe that I can't do that at all = feeling thus inferior and less than and stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-righteousness by never doing a task to the full of my ability because then I can give excuses as to why I didn't succeed = because I did not do my best – instead of seeing the ridiculousness and impracticality of sacrificing myself in the real world by not doing tasks to the best of my ability = failing at life – all for an image of myself in my mind.

To be continued

Day 39: Priority Task vs Any Task

So I started my day with doing tasks that were not prioritary, and in my mind I made up excuses like that I have time to do all the tasks. I saw how I resisted doing task number 1 in the list which is doing school work first. So with the excuses the day went on and then it was night and then I was experiencing anger at myself for allowing myself to not prioritize the tasks. I stumbled upon one of Joana's Vlog and I saw how I had missed the opportunity to see that:

The fact that I am again facing a point, like the point of scheduling the tasks like previous days means that I have to write in more detail this point, push myself further in writing. Also that from this experience of today

I see that not prioritizing/follwoing a specific order of tasks doesn't work so I don't have to repeat it in the future. I also see that I was angry because I wanted the point of scheduling and doing tasks and being directive in general to be sorted out, to somehow become effective overnight – not seeing that this is like impossible = it's too much and by expecting myself to change overnight I am being hard on myself.

Instead of being angry because stuff is not working I have to investigate where does it come from because maybe it's not only that things are not working, but that I am adding to that my frustration for wanting them to work - thus I am not reacting to the event but to an image of myself that has failed - that I tried to fulfill and the goal that is unreachable I placed it there in the first place so I created a trap for myself. The result of this trap is that I end up not doing the stuff - lol how convenient.

To be continued

Artwork: Giving up by Andrew Gable
Giving Up/In Character – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 141 http://wp.me/p2mGTf-aG

Day 38: Scheduling Work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking a schedule of tasks during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't be able to keep up with doing the tasks I have scheduled for myself in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't have enough time in a day to complete the tasks that I set myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can 'fill up' the time of my day with the tasks I decide to do because otherwise I am doing other things but the time was all the while available for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that time is merely a measure and that everyone is given the same amount in a day – thus I am able to move myself effectively like any other being.

I commit myself to stop fearing to not have enough time by starting to do the tasks I have to do at the time I appoint myself to do them and stick to/keep doing the task until I have to move to the next task.

I commit myself to stop wanting to be very effective in doing my tasks but rather have patience within the realization that it will take time for me to increase the amount of work I can do in a given amount of time.

I understand that I have time available for doing the tasks I set myself to do and thus I commit myself to stop blaming not having enough time and instead identify what it is that I am doing when I should be doing a specific task and then stop the diversion of my attention to focus it to the tasks I have to do.

Whenever I see I am distracting myself by stopping doing the task I started and going to do another thing = I stop within myself, remind myself that I am sabotaging myself if I allow myself to run away from doing the task at hand and then I redirect myself accordingly to finish the task at hand.

Day 37: The CrossRoad of Decisions

I was at my desk at home not working on any specific task when I decided what I was going to do next of my tasks and immediately afterwards a thought of two different activities came up in my mind. In not deciding to continue with the decision of doing the task I had initially decided  to do I got 'caught up' in the mind. I should be able to again do the same decision if that was the best one - yet I allowed this two other options to entertain me and for some time I only sat there, waiting.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tricked by the mind in not sticking to doing what is practical and more important first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by thoughts that suggest me to go to different directions instead of checking that the task I am going to do is the best option and stick to doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of having different options/tasks to do to participate in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in my mind from facing the task I decided to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mind for not directing myself instead of seeing that thoughts are not real - they do not stop me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in the apparent comfort of my mind and not do the task I had decided to do/saw that I had to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of immediately taking action on doing what I decided and saw I had to do = go into my mind playing with other tasks I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see thoughts as a source of help and direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need thoughts to take direction and decide what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must debate in my mind what I am going to do and to rebate any new thought of other directions that I could take.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to impose the dictatorship on myself of doing what is best for All - in seeing that it is in my best interest as well.

I commit myself to immediately act on every decision that I take - thus whenever I see I have thoughts come up in my mind I stop them by saying 'Stop' and stopping them - continuing with my action in seeing that thoughts are mere distractions.

Whenever I see I am not directing myself I take the best direction in the moment and walk tasks into completion, taking into consideration what is best that I do in every moment in practicality - in the realization that thoughts are not solutions or 'help' presented to me, but distractions and deterrents from me being Here as breath directing myself.

I see and understand that I don't need thoughts to give me a solution or direction on what to do but that I can work out in common sense what it is that I have to do next.

Day 36: Yes Mr. Teacher

I've noticed how I nod my head affirmatively whenever the teacher is speaking and looking at me - even when I don't understand what he's saying! The 'automatic nodding' is also noticed when the teacher says something that is not possible due to a mistake, and then corrects himself - but I've already nodded to that - lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nod affirmatively to the teacher whenever I see he's seeing/looking at me instead of listening and only say yes in any way when I understand what is being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as dumb if I do not get what the teacher is saying directly to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only because the teacher is saying something looking at me it means that I must understand it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher thinking that I am stupid and disregarding me if I don't nod affirmatively with my head as he's speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the classroom population judging me if I interrupt or don't say that I've understood what the teacher is saying to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't nod my head the teacher will think that I don't understand what he is saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to stop looking at me exclusively and thus nod so that it passes quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the teacher will spend more time speaking to me while the class sees this interaction if I don't nod my head signifying that I've understood what he is saying and thus not looking stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't get what the teacher is speaking directly to me/when he looks at me then I am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to put more attention to what the teacher is saying when he is looking at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to make the class run smoothly and don't hold it back because of me 'not getting it' = I have to nod my head or make the teacher now that I am getting what he's saying even if I am not getting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't get what the teacher is saying I am 'wrong' and it's my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically judge myself when I don't get what the teacher is saying - and then nod the head in fear of being labeled as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to follow what the teacher is saying and simply say yes or no whenever he asks if it makes sense - not worrying about what he thinks of my understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more concerned with how the teacher and the classroom students see me than to listen to what the teacher is saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to project the image of being smart - even to the point of compromising my understanding of what is being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying that I don't understand what the teacher is saying directly to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please the teacher in saying yes to everything he says instead of focusing on the practicality of getting what he's saying - and not saying I do understand something when I don't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher react in anger if and blame towards me if I say I don't get what he's explaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to flatter the teacher by saying yes to everything he explains in fear of what might happen if I don't .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into 'nod' mode whenever the teacher is speaking to me.

I commit myself to whenever the teacher is talking to me/my direction continue listening normally and asking or assenting whenever required.

I commit myself to whenever I don't understand something make a note for myself and resolve it when possible instead of letting know the teacher I get something that I don't.

I commit myself to whenever the teacher is speaking to me  = breathe normally Here and listen to what he's explaining until he asks if I get it - and then ask the questions or say that I get it -- or interrupt him to ask if I can do so and it's best to do it this way in a given moment.

I commit myself to whenever I see the teacher is looking at me = breathe Here and listen to what he is saying without going into my mind of what he or others in the class are thinking about -and to remind myself that they probably are in their own minds or not thinking about me at all.

I understand that I am not the center of attention even if the teacher is looking at me and others in the class are looking at me - and that it does not matter if I don't get what is said -- but it does matter that I understand what is said.

I understand that trying to hold to projecting the idea that I know everything is impractical and also nonsense because I would not be attending classes if I knew everything.

Whenever I see that I am nodding my head at class when the teacher is looking at me I stop, breath normally and listen to what is being said letting the teacher do his explanation and then asking questions that I have.

Whenever I see that I am worrying about what others are thinking of me in the class I stop, breathe and remind myself that it is not practical to be in my mind during a lesson thus I direct myself to continue sticking to breath and following the class normally.

Day 35: Not Pausing the Opportunity

How would I feel if I was old and no more had the opportunity to do something, make a difference in my life, for myself and all others living on earth? The point of education again takes the most attention in this context, because to do something of significance education is necessary. This is then a reminder that I will not always be young or have the opportunity to change me so that I can change my environment, this earth - and thus to utilize the time I'm provided in ways that I can look back and be satisfied with what I've done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to the solution I've set for myself of applying myself in a structured way within education and other daily tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within braking the pattern of applying myself in a structured way = compromise myself and my standing within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up applying myself within the pattern I've set for myself in participating in the emotion of overwhelmingness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that anything and everything that I cannot do at the moment = I cannot do at the moment -- but to also realize that it is not to take it personally whenever I cannot do something in THAT moment but instead of going into frustration, breathe through and move myself effectively so that I can eventually get the tasks necessary done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when I have not completed a task within a day and do not have more time left instead of forgiving myself and moving on.

I commit myself to forgive myself and let go whenever I have not completed a task within my day and don't have more time left.

I commit myself to not take it personally whenever I see I cannot do a task within a day and insted breathe through and move practically to what is best that I do in that moment.

I commit myself to remind myself that doing that which is best in every moment is what is best instead of  going into giving into feelings and emotions for not having followed  or not being able to follow a previous plan.

I commit myself to remind myself that I cannot predict the future and the play-out of the physical reality and time so that I know exactly what I will be doing at any time during the day thus within this I commit myself to redirect myself whenever I see it's practical and best without taking it personally but considering that which is best that I do in every moment, regardless of previous plans, thoughts, calendars, appointments and promises.

 

I commit myself to remind myself that the time I have on earth is limited and the opportunity of studying will not be here forever and so I commit myself to honour myself in investing the time in that which is best that I do and to correct myself accordingly whenever the pattern and structured way of  moving through my tasks is not effective or I am not applying it effectively.