Day 40: Doing my Best or Not

This is a continuation of the previous day's Blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can predict how much time it will take for me to become or do something instead of seeing that it is not true and that I am entrapping myself in unproven facts about myself - so when I don't live up to the expectations of what I think I can do then I am disappointed with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on and keep believing that I am capable of whatever it is that I did not succeed at doing – instead of proving it in space-time practically for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to maintain the fallacy that I am self-directive and capable to do a lot of work in a day – so I will keep believing that I can do something when again and again reality proves me otherwise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always blame the fact that I did NOT do the tasks to the best of my ability when I fail at doing something – Never doing any task for real to the best of my ability to prevent at all cost to become disappointed if I see that I am not capable of doing a task the way I thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do something to the best of my ability and fail = I can't do that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do something to the best of my ability and not succeed I have to take it personally as who I am = a failure.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myelf to see the trap within this construct = that I keep failing at school and many other areas where I may fail and yet keep believing that I can do it but never do it for real and then give the excuse I didn't put enough time or effort or any other excuse = all to not see myself as inferior or a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that yes, it is possible that I cannot do some task at some point but I do not know that I will NEVER be able to do a task – giving up my self responsibility to myself as self-creator when I accept facts about myself as uncheangable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind and thoughts that I create in my mind where I picture myself as being effective and directive instead of living effectiveness and self-directiveness in my life – not seeing that I am filling myself with fear of not reaching this picture-perfect me in my mind where I see myself as successful – not realizing it is only a picture in my mind - not real – that I can delete at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to maintain an image of myself as self-directive = not push myself to the best of my hability to do a task because in case I am not able to match the image of myself being directive in my mind then I will be disappointed and believe that I can't do that at all = feeling thus inferior and less than and stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-righteousness by never doing a task to the full of my ability because then I can give excuses as to why I didn't succeed = because I did not do my best – instead of seeing the ridiculousness and impracticality of sacrificing myself in the real world by not doing tasks to the best of my ability = failing at life – all for an image of myself in my mind.

To be continued