This blog is a continuation of a series of blogs. Suggested to read for context:
Day 46: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 5
Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3
Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2
Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1
Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind
Within my mind I have had this desire to again start in a new class with different people so that I can from the start not get attention to myself, in a way to correct this 'Good-but-Bad Character'. I see, realize and understand that running away from the experience I find myself in at the moment, where I have already participated in this 'Good-but-Bad Student' character within a group of people is giving away self-responsibility in thinking and believing that by swapping places I will be able to change how I participate with others - this is equal to saying that I cannot change me for myself but that I require my environment to change first before I change. This is giving my power away to something that is not me, in this case the environment, people that I believe that if I change, I will be able to change and never again participate in the 'Good-but-Bad Character'.
There is another dimension to this in that I've seen how I have already started to rely on colleagues to do the work and to 'know where we are going' when doing practical lessons. This I saw it had to end and asked to be changed from the group to both somehow start anew in not participating in the 'Good-but-Bad Character' and also stop participating in relying on others to do much of the practical work instead of directing myself and knowing what it is that we are doing in the practical classes. This is related to self-judgement and comparison.
In asking for a group swap I was faced with the fear of not finding some partner in the class to work with on the practical lessons as effective as the one I am doing the practical lessons at the moment. I saw that I don't require to change groups for having relied on my class partner to do all the work as that is running away from shame and thinking that by merely swapping class partners I will be able to change how I interact and suddenly become this directive and awesome guy that can direct himself effectively within the lessons and be 'the one that leads the pair -group of two-' the one that know how all works at all times. I see that it does not work that way, that I can correct myself where I am at! Because not doing so means that I am accepting and allowing myself to put blame on others, in this case on the colleague that I am collaborating with for knowing too much of chemistry, blaming this for me being lazy, and slacking off during laboratory practices. No, it's not that, I don't have to find someone that is inexperienced at doing practical lessons in order for me to direct myself and not slack off by giving all the work-load to the colleague I am collaborating with in a practical lesson.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suddenly change myself in how I interact with others in changing the group that I attend classes with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by swapping the group I participate with I will change the way I interact with others at class.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to swap from a group to another group with the excuse to 'start from zero' = blame my environment for my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to rely on someone else that is good enough to know what it is that we do on the practical lessons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to be effective within the practical classes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this fear of not knowing enough for the practical classes already existed within me while participating in laziness in my interaction with my current class colleague - but I've only seen it now that I've cut off the relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the believe that I am not good enough in the practical lessons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with X and within that see myself as inferior and instead of forgiving myself and participating as an equal with doing the work with X = go into spitefulness in letting X do most of the work and organizing and do only the minimum myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as incapable of understanding and being able to direct myself effectively within the practical classes - and utilize this excuse to rely on someone else to do it for me instead of me standing up for myself and taking self-responsibility for myself in participating with my classmate-pair equally to the best of my ability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X will not want to continue to work with me in the practical classes when I say that I am not swapping groups.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that fear can only exist in self interest, where I am still holding on to the point of wanting utilize the relationship with X to allow myself to slack-off within the practical lessons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X in participating at a lower pace and work-load than I am capable of - not standing in equality with X.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having slacked off during my participation in the practical lessons - instead of correcting myself in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to instead of comparing myself to X, see what it is that I can apply for myself of what I see X do.
I commit myself to whenever I see that I am slacking off at class - stop, breathe and see how I can step-up my application to be in equality with the best of my ability at all times to expand my ability.
I commit myself to remind myself that changing groups/environment will not make me change and that it is only me the that can change me.
I commit myself to remind myself that wanting to change groups is giving my power away to my environment not seeing/realizing and understanding that who I am is what has to change and that no amount of shame is valid for giving up and running off.
I commit myself to no matter who I have as a class partner push myself to walk to the best of my ability - in reminding myself that doing this is what I claimed I wanted to do if I swapped groups, thus I can see for myself if I was 'for real' in changing myself in the current group or if I am still self dishonest and that I in fact never wanted to correct me but only run off from an 'uncomfortable experience'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the fallacy of 'start anew' in the 'changing my environment in order to change myself' idea that is promoted through media and movies - not seeing and understanding that who I am I never leave behind by doing that and that unless I forgive myself and commit myself to change and change in fact - nothing will change, only will get worse.
To be Continued
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