October 20, 2012

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1


I realized that I am wanting to prove a point when I start at school, in a new class: I want to prove the point that I am smart and that I am capable of passing the course. This I do by replying to questions from the teacher very fast, competing with others to say it first. This shows me as someone that has the POTENTIAL to pass the course as I show myself as fast and smart - very fast.

This I do because if I fail I can say that I didn't study and not feel bad for it, only being 'rebel' or giving the impression that I am not much interested so that others/teachers think/say it's a pity that I did not study and did not pass - when the story is that I fear not being up to the standard that I think I am/can do/perform at school so I don't, I never apply myself in school to the best of my ability in fear to prove that I am not able to do something. This would show me as weak and less than others and I don't ever want that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to others that I am smart and capable of passing the course at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reply to the teacher very fast - competing with other students - so that I get attention from the teacher and others to show myself as smart - just like how I see myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose the image I see of myself in my mind unto others by behaving in ways that look like I am smart and sharp.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave in ways that I think others will judge as being smart in fear of others judging me as Stupid/Dumb If I happen to fail the course/studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in class within fear - in fearing to say something that is not correct that may lead to the teacher/students think that I am stupid and that THAT is the reason why I failed at the studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prepare others through advertising myself as a good student in case that I fail to be able to give the excuse that 'I didn't make it because I did not put myself to do it' when it may be real but this allows me to keep enslaved in my own self-delusion of grandeur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being graded/labeled as stupid and being left out or bullied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being graded/labeled as smartass/geek/dork/nerd if I do well at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others students trying to take advantage or arrange in groups to mock me or other types of group bullying if I they see me 'faulting' OR too smart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others trying to take advantage or arrange in groups to mock me or other types of bullying/group bullying if I get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labeled as geek if I get good grades in fear that they will attack me in jealousy/disregard me/not want to interact with me or be left out within the group at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get good grades I will be bullied or not be accepted by the 'leaders' within the class and have others within the class not seeing me as cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize getting bad grades as a social protection mechanism in fear that if do get good grades others will label me as a geek/nerd/dork and automatically ingore me as a part of the group, not including me within their circle but trying to stay away from me or openly abuse me or gossip about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good reputation/image within the class in fear of being disregarded and attacked by unscrupulous bad students comparing them with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame unscrupulous bad students for me having adopted the character of manipulation within the class to be accepted - with the consequences that came along as bad grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get very good grades in my mind without pushing myself to build enough courage to live it in reality in the face of everyone in the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to the group bullying to anyone that would get good grades without realizing that there are ways to deal with bullying if I get bullied/got bullied at school other than lowering my grades by not studying to 'fit in'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of fear of being bullied and my desire to fit in to participate in laziness within my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me having become ineffective within education/participating in sloppiness within my education without seeing the desire/self interest I had to be seen as 'cool' and be liked within getting relatively bad grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry for having allowed myself to participate in the character of good-but-bad student to increase my popularity and respect within a group of students.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'get back' to other students by getting good grades not realizing that they did nothing to me and it was me that by accepting and allowing the fear of being bullied/being left out deliberately participated in procrastination and laziness to not get undesired 'negative' attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make others uncomfortable by displaying good grades in front of their lower grades to make them feel uncomfortable and feel inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get attention from others at school by getting bad grades as that drives them to talk with me and try to help or encourage me instead of me helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the character of being 'rebel' or 'uncaring' within school so that I am considered and note hated in/by getting good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a system-character to be accepted and forget why it was that I started to do it in the first place - getting out of hand and actually becoming ineffective at school due to the accumulation of participation in ineffectiveness within school/education.

To be continued

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