October 23, 2012

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3


First day and I am fairly satisfied with how I have directed myself in studying. Although I wanted to do more! - I see as if going to sleep without being satisfied with how much of school work or other tasks done is a failure - while if I look back further I see a huge improvement or at least the tedency is 'positive' meaning that I am doing more lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of not being satisfied with how much studying I have done during the day to 'give up' and not continue with doing the other tasks that I have left in my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in giving up if I don't reach an amount of studying that I thought I had to be able to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make studying harder for myself by having expectations of how should I do it and how long it has to take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to apply myself in education within Patience - in seeing/realizing/understanding that then it is inevitable - if I have patience and never give up - that I finally get somewhere - rather than giving up - because then I miss the opportunity and have to time-loop until I have Patience enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time during my day in tasks that are not relevant when I have exams near - sabotaging myself to give me excuses to give up in not performing as I know I could have performed in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'perform' and 'act' as if I am studying during my day, displaying all the books and cool school material on the table and then = not focus on it and waste time in other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag myself through my day with the books up and down without sitting with myself and really getting on and taking on what it is that I have to do to be effective the day of the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly want to hold on the character of 'good-but-bad student' by sitting in front of the study material but not willing myself to study effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give excuses and justifications in case I don't pass the exam like saying that 'well I did study but I wasted a lot of time' - not seeing/realizing/undrestanding that this is unacceptable and that if I do fail I will have to keep my mouth shut and walk the correction - not giving excuses to feed my Ego as self-image that I am capable of passing the exam BUT I did not put myself to study enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for interrupting me while I study or by wasting my time of study in asking me for things or talking to me instead of realizing that it is me that allows me to be distracted and that I can in fact direct myself to not participate in distractions and that it is unacceptable to blame others for me being irresponsible.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I can in every moment of breath direct myself to be Here and study whatever it is that I have to study and that I cannot blame anyone but me if I don't do so.

I commit myself to stop blaming X or others for not taking responsibility for myself by reminding myself that as well as it is my responsibility when I don't pass the exams it is my responsibility when I pass the exams - and that I will be satisfied with myself if I apply myself to the best of my ability.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will never arrive by seeing that this time I waste thinking is one less moment I have to push myself through with my education and more over if I allow myself to be directed by this thoughts - within this realization I commit myself to when I see I am thinking of the future within education - both 'good' and 'bad' - I stop, breathe and realize it's not real - only an image in my mind that sometimes presents itself as good and positive and other times as bad and negative - and that both are not real but self-delusions that I can only see - (which is very scary if you look at it - to be directed by such a thing).

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into the mind and directing myself to do other tasks that are not studying or that I am not being Here breathing and directing myself effectively within my studies: I stop, take a breath, realize that I can drag my books around until I die without passing the course - and then put myself to study whatever the hell it is I have to study - lol -


To Continue Next Day


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