Day 100: A New Day

3 months ago I was writing the post for the day 99, today I was about to write a new post and saw that I must continue with the big 3 digit number post. The post number 100 is a good opportunity to review my Journey to Life so far, but this is not how I expected day 100 to be. One does not plan to not write, or at least it was not my plan. The last 3 months I started university and used this as an excuse to not write. It is not that I did not have the time. I was hinding from myself - wich I can't really do - how could I hide from myself? lol I can't escape from me.

 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself with the justification of having to study, even if I know I have time for both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let time go by without directing myself to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself in not moving myself to write.

Whenever I see that I want to hide from myself by utilizing excuses to not write, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can't run/escape from myself/self responsibility, so I take myself back Here and assist/support myself in writing when/as possible in self honesty.

Whenever I see that I am 'letting time go' without directing myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must take decisions to move myself to support myself because no one is going to or can do it but myself, and within the realization that once time goes by I cannot take it back.

I commit myself to direct myself whenever I 'catch me' wasting time.

I commit myself to keep walking my process for me in writing whenever/as I am able to within my participation in my studies.

Day 99: Are My Wants My Needs?

Suggested to read Heaven’s Journey to Life blog 439 and blog 440 for background perspective on fear of commitment and what is it really.

In common sense I see that what is Best for All is best for me. Standing up thus within this principle of doing that which is Best for All is what is needed for me, and best for me.

I see how my ‘Wants’ are interfering with that - because I allow my wants to override my common sense - in the end I will never be satisfied with having chosen a path to fulfill my ‘wants’ because of the way the mind works, one is never satisfied following Energy/wants in any way.

I see for example I have this desire/want to have a relationship with a woman. In having this desire I am also holding on to my mind, by wanting to preserve all the personalities that would be useful for me to build an image of myself that is not real, that is an illusion, in order to attract and have a relationship with a woman.

The catch 22 here is that if I accept to participate in parts of my mind such as personalities in order to have ‘my way’ and get what I ‘want’ = then I am also accepting ALL of the mind -- which means that I won’t be able to stand up for myself as who I really am, because I am standing up for my mind and participating in my mind, which is not who I really am. I can’t say or ‘want to’ stand up for Life as who I really am while at the same time hold onto and keep participating in my mind as personalities/thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self interest in desiring to have a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need my mind as personalities in order to have a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have Not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when communicating with women, in the belief that I need to make me appear ‘more than me’ - stating that I am ‘not enough’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the desire to have a relationship with a woman consume me to the point where I believe that I have to manipulate my way into having one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the desire to have sex consume me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself for the desire of having a relationship with a woman in order to have sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my mind in order to be able to ‘dress up’ and manipulate my way into having sex/having a relationship with a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to have a relationship with a woman = I have to decieve/manipulate/create an illusion of who I am so that I can be liked by her, instead of knowing who I am and showing me as who I am openly unconditionally.

I'll continue more in the next post.

Bernard Poolman, an Example for All

Bernard Poolman died on the early hours of Sunday, 11th August, 2013.

I will be forever grateful for having met Bernard, first online, and last year in person, when I visited the farm for about two weeks. He was one, or the most fascinating being I have ever met. A man of principle, for as long as I knew him, he never stopped walking as an example of living the principle of doing that which is Best for All. When I visited the farm at the end of 2011, I got to see first hand that, indeed, he was a normal guy, and the place and the other people living there, it is ordinary -- yet the dedication of all the people living in the farm in walking practically what is necessary to change the world, that you don't see every day. And that I already saw from the participation online, where year after year, since I've known of Desteni in 2008/2009: The message was/is the same: That of Jesus, 'Do unto another as you would like to be done unto you', 'Give as you would like to recieve' and  'Love thy neighbour as thyself' -- what does it mean to live it practically? He lived that, along with the other beings at the Farm. He will be missed, but his message is still here, and the group will keep walking the principle.

I remember sharing something with him that was a heavy lift for me, and he said, 'Forgive Yourself'. And this is what is extraordinary of what he did, he walked his process with tools for himself - namely Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Practical Application - that then shared with others for all to be able to stop ones limitations and become a functional human being that can stand no matter what and effectively walk that which is Best for All, creating oneself as a trustworthy human being like he was, he would never give up, and he did not give up.

'There are no problems, only solutions' he once said. And that is what he was focused on, solutions for people to become functional and to worlds' problems.

When I went to the Farm, I was pretty much a failure walking, having failed for so many years at my education - he said to me in a chat when I again failed some months after visiting the farm, that from this I could take that it is best doing things well the first time -- indeed, I can f**k around all that I want, or go straight to the point, like he did with everything.

At the farm, I arrived there so thin, I remember I was most of the day with shakes that had minerals and vitamins, and he would say,'it's ok, eat' - lol - I had been spending so much time in the mind I had not been eating effectively. There I had a lot of fun with the dogs, many dogs living there. I was there for a short period of 12 days, I couldn't stay more due to my studies although I had been invited for about a year - but I wanted to visit anyway. It was worth it. When I was there, it exposed how I was not being effective, in the trip from the airport to the farm, one we did with Bernard, Cerise his daughter and David a visitor, he asked me what's 'backchat', and I couldn't give him a good definition. I saw I had not taken my process seriously, not investigated or applied the material effectively -- see, I realized, one can have all the support/the best support in the world, but it is up to us to take it and live it, study the material that he/Sunette/Dimensions shared and live it, because 'knowledge without application is useless' -- common sense.

So in the moments, now days after his death, I see I would have liked to, during the time that I have been participating in Desteni, apply myself more effectively, but again, he would have said, no matter how difficult or big of a problem I thought I have: 'Forgive yourself' -- and move on, correct myself, and stand up again if I fall, until it is done, until I have it made.

From having met him I've seen how it is me that willed my failed results in the past within my education, that I can will it otherwise. Thanks to the support of Sunette, Bernard and others at the Desteni farm, I've been able to realign points in my life and next year I will be starting studying at university, something I said I would never do at one point.

Day 98: Humble or Tumble

These past three days or so, I've had this sense of self of 'being good' or the best lol. Yesterday I had a check back to reality when I realised I made a very basic mistake - two mistakes, and it is because I did not check thoroughly . For example, checking how to read a new type of tool, I didn't look properly and noted a number that was lower than the real reading, or forgetting stuff outside of the fridge due to not effectively checking all the stuff I had to do - and even though I always check that the material is where it should be at the end of the work - I did not see it this time.

I heard this interview where it's said to check reality when we have believes about ourselves being magnificent - because even though we can tell to ourselves that we are good/magnificent - the physical will tell us the real story if we are self honest and look at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk myself' into believing I am good/the best.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not check my belief about myself of being good/the best with the feedback I get in physical reality - and seeing within myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not check what I do so that I make sure that I am making things right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking questions for simple stuff.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be humble enough to check the basics of the tools I work with even though I may know how they work - to make sure I do it well.

Whenever I see that I consider myself as good/magnificent/special, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to become self-honest and see what is my physical reality showing me, and walk in common sense.

I commit myself to apply myself within humbleness in not taking for granted what I do based on the idea that I know stuff.

Whenever I see that I have inner backchat of being good/the best, I stop and I breathe. I realize it is merely a belief illusion and not real, therefore I stick to breath and being in my physical body, disregarding the talk - and write it down and forgive myself when/as I can.

I commit myself to not listen to the backchat I have with me but stop it and investigate/forgive it so that I don't delude myself into something that I am not as ego trip/possession.

Whenever I see that I fear asking basic questions, I stop and I breathe. I realize that a question is nothing personal, that I have to be able to ask any question - and I realize that if asking a question is a problem, then I have a problem that I must investigate and stop of ego. Also I should ask away, as I can widen my understanding through what others share.

I commit myself to apply myself within humbleness and ask whenever I see that I have a doubt about stuff that I should already know/basic stuff .

Day 97: Earth and Humans In Trouble

When I joined Desteni, some years ago about 2008, I came to know how it had been said and were saying in interviews, videos and material that the world would 'go mad' in the years to come, and as time progressed it has been exactly what has happened. There is more financial stress on families, more poverty, more social unrest.

It was said also that nature would go more and more crazy, in the sense that: There would be more natural disasters and, for instance, there would be more bugs becoming resistant to vaccines/treatment. 

This all has happened - more hurricanes, floods - new strains of bacteria that are virtually untreatable/super bugs have emerged.

Another example of the predictions that Desteni has made that have come true, is that nothing would happen in 2012. Yes - it should have been common sense that nothing would happen - yet virtually all the spiritual community was mongering the idea, with exact date and time - that something magical would happen. This only proved to be a publicity stunt where, undoubtedly, many cashed on - so we can say that some bank account's balances did ascend, after all. This would be the accounts of the gurus, masters and all that group that through seminars, books and more marketing stuff lined their pockets through mongering those ideas - along with survival fanatics' businesses that cashed in on the fears of 'preppers' - those that went from buying a survival kit to some having a nuclear refuge built in their back garden, with all the bells and whistles of luxury.

Through all of this what remains is individuals that are every day in a more compromised situation, families that can't feed their children properly or give them an education, animals continuing to lose their habitat - and life - to ruthless multinationals that make millions destroying their habitat. 

We are in for an even more accentuated disaster if we don't act fast, and act now - because time will only make it worse. Watch the news and you'll see for yourself. And we are doing this to ourselves - until we stop.

Day 96: Studying Transformed - Part Two

by Andrew Gable

This is a continuation of Day 95: Studying Transformed - suggested to read that one first.

Also I see that I have linked 'studying' with 'not fun' when I have not really delved into studying to see if I really enjoy it or not. 

Whenever I see that I judge math, chemistry or other subjects as 'not fun', I stop and I breathe. I realize that I won't have all the answers solved in those subjects - because then 'where is the fun?' I have simply to prepare myself so that I am able to take on the challenges presented by those subjects, because if I am not prepared, then I first have to go back and prepare myself.

I commit myself to prepare myself to the extent that I can face the challenges that the subjects can pose, in the realization that unless I am prepared, it can't be fun as it can't virtually be done.

Whenever I see that I judge 'advanced math/chemistry' as 'not fun', I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is a valid point that: Unless I master the basics, I can't go into advanced. Within this, I commit myself to prepare myself by going back wherever necessary within the subjects to learn the foundations effectively to build upon it.

Whenever I see that I want studying to be easy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I will have to endure moments wherein I'd rather give up, or where I will be 'uncomfortable' but within this I have breath to assist me in continue walking regardless.

I commit myself to breathe and push myself to master the basics of the subjects that I require to go to university, so that I can enjoy expanding them.

Whenever I see that I am judging me in relation of not knowing the subjects, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it doesn't matter that I STILL don't know the basics/master the basics -- that it is something I simply have to do - so I put myself to do it as it is the only way to effectiveness.

I commit myself to walk the basics of subjects no matter how early in my life I was supposed to have known them.

Whenever I see that I go into anxiety with regards of going to university, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have the tools to test whether I am effective at the subjects or not, and accordingly remediate it - so that I am certain that I will have a full opportunity of walking through university effectively.

I commit myself to work on the subjects that I need to master to the extent that I am certain that I can take on the subjects at university.

Whenever I see that I judge studying as a chore, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility to study, but this does not mean that I cannot enjoy myself within it.

I commit myself to investigate all the instances where I am reactive towards my situation with studying, so that I can see what it is that I have to change to act in preventing consequences that are not necessary.

Day 95: Studying Transformed

Today I have been a bit anxious because I have realized that I have to step up my level of math and other subjects of university, and that unless I really go for it I simply won't be able to pass at the rate of one course per year.  Looking at the past, I have always at about this time of the summer planned of preparing myself for next year, but I never ended doing it, I always distracted myself throughout summer. At the same time, in the past I used to isolate myself and avoid doing much with the excuse of having to study. All this has not worked, so I have to find a way of being able to dedicate myself daily to study and also do other stuff. Also I see that I have linked 'studying' with 'not fun' when I have not really delved into studying to see if I really enjoy it or not. Certainly I have enjoyed some parts of chemistry this last course, but I have not yet gone into math aside from starting the basics at Khan Academy, to build from the base up - and certainly too I have enjoyed it -- so nothing to fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge math and chemistry as 'not fun' when I have the proof where I can see instances where I did enjoy studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe advanced math and chemistry will not be as fun as basic ones.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to guide myself through the material that I have to study in order to become effective at the subjects required.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can give to myself the gift of a solid base in the subjects that I will study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to want to hold onto the prejudices/judgements I have about me and the subjects I have to study in order to avoid doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the beliefs that I have about me and my capabilities at the subjects are real.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not see that unless I put myself to study effectively I will not know what I can do or how it will be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be curious about exploring the subjects of math, chemistry and others - in depth - so that I can see for myself how cool it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepadventure/self discovery.

ted and allowed myself to see studying as a chore instead of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studying has to be easy or otherwise I can give up and judge it as difficult - without seeing that I can expand my capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge studying as dull.

To be continued in the next Blog.

Day 94: Stars Aligned - Start a Line

Today has been quite a 'ride' because I have both passed the course of Environmental Chemistry that I have been doing the past few years and also have decided to start at university Agricultural Engineering. This is some self-forgiveness on jumpiness/overexcitement - lol - and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I give or receive 'good news'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition for having passed at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk not passing at my studies by studying at the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have passed, somehow I have won.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the point of having passed, instead of seeing that it is merely an opportunity to keep walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I rejoice/indulge too much in the experience of having passed that I forget to apply myself effectively in continuing my studies at university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I go into 'shock' somehow and forget to direct myself effectively in my reality now that I have passed at my studies.

Whenever I see that I am not here as breath when communicating with others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my point of stability is within breathing.

I commit myself to remain within self-stability by applying myself within breathing.

Whenever I see that I want recongizion from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can give to myself recognition, so I investigate where it is that I don't recognize myself.

I commit myself to investigate the instances where I want to obtain recognition form others, to give to myself that which I place out there, outside of myself.

Whenever I see that I participate in procrastination within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that procrastination will lead to consequence, therefore I stop and direct myself in common sense.

I commit myself to direct me in my reality within common sense as what is Best for All.

Whenever I see that I am participating in 'positive' energy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that positive experiences as energy are a polarity of negative. Both are not real.

I commit myself to breathe through the positive experiences, and investigate them in writing to ground myself so that I don't fool myself within energy delusions.

Whenever I see that I become obsessed about the past of having passed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, both for what was a 'good experience' and what was a 'bad experience' according to me - and thus only have what is here to work with. Within this, I commit myself to remain here as breath, directing myself within physical stability in common sense and practicality.

Whenever I see that I fear over-rejoicing for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is cool to celebrate, although I must keep walking within common sense, to not unnecessarily distract myself from what is here to do in every moment to live effectively.

I commit myself to consider in every moment what it is that I am participating in, to make sure that I am grounded here as physical breathe and not somewhere up there in my mind as energy - then I don't have to fear, because I make sure that I am Here with me in this physical reality.

Whenever I see that I fear that I go into shock for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility to remain Here as breath in every moment, that this will assist me greatly, so I apply myself within it and see that I am Here. 

Day 93: Missing The Stop

I was at the bus at night and it was full of people and a bit hot inside, and I thought that the stop would be one that I know but it was an assumption since I do not usually take that specific bus. I distracted myself with opening the windows and then at some point realized it was taking too long - I had missed my stop and had to wait 30 minutes more for the bus to come round his route and pass again at my stop. 

This reminds me of me not making sure that I reach my goals by putting in the necessary work and instead hope that the reality outside will match my inner reality where I can imagine how things will be -- but reality showed me otherwise, the stop wasn't the one that I imagined would be and I missed it because I hoped that I would see the signs that indicate that the bus was approaching my stop -- but because I did not know the route beforehand, we did not pass through were I thought we would so I was clueless all the time that I had missed my stop, until we were very far from it. I could have prevented this by looking out the window and/or asking. 

On a side note, that was curious - I was talking to the driver and at some point, he said that he utilizes all the senses to drive, but the one that he uses more is the vision. I should use it more.

I forgive myselfthat I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions in where my stop is instead of asking or being attentive to where the bus is going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with the windows and the air inside the bus, without being aware of the route of the bus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hope that I will see the bus stop - without putting myself to look out of the window/asking effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and and allowed myself to trust my imagination of what I thing the future will look like, instead of seeing with my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with the people at the bus - without keeping an eye to the stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I see when the bus approach my stop in the assumption that the bus would take the route that I am used to during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override the common sense that unless I look for my stop, I won't see it.

Whenever I see that I make assumptions in my mind about the future such as what the bus stop will be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to check everything I am not certain of, that assumptions are just that - assumptions -.

I commit myself to check the facts whenever I see that I make an assumption.

Whenever I see that I hope the future having a specific outcome, I stop and I breathe. I realize that hope will not make things happen, only my actions can create the outcome, and I have to make sure that I walk the necessary actions to force that outcome.  

Whenever I see that I am distracted in irrelevant things, I stop and I breathe. I realize, see and understand that I have to see where I am going, that unless I direct where I am going I will create unnecesary consequence for myself.

I commit myself to see with my physical eyes and in common sense where it is that I am going - both in terms of my movement in this physical reality and in my future.

Day 92: Sudden Sadness Bouts

At moments this experience of sadness has come up - for what I could do but am not doing or did not do in the past of assisting myself. This is a trap to react to my own situation emotionally, and in doing this I am feeding the mind, instead of acting on this realization to assist me in every moment to expand and support me to be and become all that I can in this one life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the realization that I could do much more for me now and in the past by participating in the emotion of sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-pity whenever I see that I could do much more for me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself wherever I see that I can do more for me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in my reality in a way that 

I can be proud of me - and that I can look back and see that I have been giving it my All to live within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within what I see is best for me to do in common sense to live effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and alloweed myself to see that no matter what my situation is, if I am breathing I can stand up for myself and find a way and do what is Best for All.

Whenever I see that I react to my situation in sadness, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am in a very privileged situation where I have all the support available to stand up for myself and change - there is no use in reacting emotionally to my situation, as it does not produce a change, only I can change me through my application consistently.

I commit myself to move make sure that I adress the point of sadness by investigating and correcting every point where I experience sadness.

Whenever I see that I am participating in self-pity, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that self-pity is 'arguing for my limitations'. Thus, whenever I see I am participating in self-pity, I stop and direct me to practical application of what needs to be done, and I also investigate the point in writing when possible/as possible.

I commit myself to investigate all the points in my life where I have participated in self pity - so that I change from self-pity to self-support.

Whenever I see that I am participating in my reality in a way that I am accepting self-limitation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I only have this one life, with the limitation of time and opportunities = so I rather get this done in my day to day - than to pay with regret later in life or at death, when it's too late.

I commit myself to investigate all the points where I accept myself to exist as self-limitation, to move from self-limitation to self-expansion by applying the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and practical application in self-honesty.

Whenever I see that I am utilizing reasons and excuses to not stand up for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that any excuse is self limitation -- it is always about self-honesty, to not compromise myself and abuse - but to stand as an example of principled living.

I commit myself to stop, investigate and change all the points where I am self-dishonest - to live free from compromise.

Day 91: Delay Lame

I have seen that when I am facing a task that is done over a long period of time, like preparing for an exam, I think I have a lot of time and then I procrastinate or not work effectively -- so I am using the excuse of having a lot of time in order to allow myself to not apply myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in taking the best route to complete a task effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell in thoughts and imagination whenever I face an unusually big task, instead of doing what I've proven to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have a lot of time to do a task, then I don't have to worry about getting a task done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to review my effectiveness at doing tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that 'somehow' things will 'work out' whenever I am facing a task that it is not due immediately -- instead of seeing that unless I put in the time and effort it will be unlikely that it I will do it effectively.

Whenever I see that I am going into imagination and thinking about how I will do a task and how it will work out, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have to consider tasks practically and start doing what works, and then change as necessary for more effectiveness.

I commit myself to work on the basis of results, where I deliberately disregard what doesn't work and apply what does work, so that I can specify my application more every time.

Whenever I see that I am thinking about a task, trying to 'sort it out' or 'make a plan' in my head, I stop and I breathe. I realize that thinking a plan of action is not effective, as I might leave things out and not consider everything as it is, as it is easier to make up excuses in my mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see I have to plan and work out how I will be able to do a task, write it out so that I can see in front of myself everything and make sure that I don't deceive myself but that I take the most effective direction.

Whenever I see that I am not taking myself seriously within a task due to having seemingly 'a lot of time', I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is only a excuse to not put myself to work. The excuse of 'having a lot of time' is a trap so that I don't use my time effectively, in the belief that I have a lot of it.

I commit myself to disregard the fallacy thought of 'I have a lot of time' and instead organize myself effectively to use the time that I have.

Whenever I see that I am not effective in doing a task, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no point in not doing a task effectively and wasting time - so I breathe and push myself to work effectively.

Whenever I see that I am going into my mind as thoughts and imagination, trying to work out how to do a task without any specific planning method, I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am wasting my time when I could instead apply what I find that works and simply do the task.

Day 90: Hit the Wall

When everything goes bad, I want the world to stop. Today I hit myself in the head with a low ceiling, due to not paying attention, and immediately reacted to two people who were talking to me - when I wanted to be left alone, I wanted others to be quiet for the minute or so I was 'suffering' the pain of the hit. This is clearly impossible, that the world stop for me if I mess up. The outer world will not adapt to me whenever I feel like it, not even if I have a seemingly 'justifiable reason' like being in pain - it doesn't matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X talking to me when I was experiencing pain, instead of seeing that they were merely trying to help me/emphatyze with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are moments where I have a justifiable reason to 'tell the world/others to shut up, stop for a moment' -- without realizing that the world won't stop for anything/anyone and that I can't control what others do/how they behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the outer world to adapt to my experience in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be quiet whenever I am in pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of having hurted myself for being rude/abusive to others in speaking to them.

Whenever I see that I am reacting to someone that talks to me when I am in pain, or have 'fucked something up', I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility that I 'fucked things up' and that it is unacceptable to lash out to others.

I commit myself to utilize the moment of clarity before I speak where I see the consequence it will have if I speak in energy reaction - to instead not speak in energy such as anger - and later on investigate the energy reaction in writing.

Whenever I see that I am about to 'adress people' as a reaction to something they are doing, I stop and I breathe. I realize that any reaction I have to someone else is my own creation and for me to sort out, and has noting to do with the 'external trigger' as the being that I react to.

I commit myself to consider my words before I speak, checking that I do not talk from a starting point of reaction or energy but self-direction in self honesty - in consideration of the situation and the other person.

Day 89: The Failer

In the past I have always reacted to my own failures, where I would become angry and frustrated whenever I failed at something such as an exam, instead of seeing that I created the situation myself. Seeing that I created the situation is one step to then sort it out, because if I merely react and blame anything outside of myself, I give my power away to that which I blame. Most of the times that I failed despite having the time and resources to not fail are an indicator that I chose to fail and thus it must be investigated, this weird self-sabotage system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I did not create failure = to not have to take responsibility for myself within that in which I apparently failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate my environment by 'selectively failing' so that I can get what I think I can't get in any other way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inadequate whenever I fail, instead of seeing the situation for what it is, investigating it and defusing it with the tools available - so that I don't waste my time/life on failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situations where I failed, without realizing that it was me who designed the situation in the past -- as I design my experience of me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate, correct and let go of the design of failure in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with failure, instead of assisting and supporting myself to expand myself to see what is possible to do/live in this world within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to cycles of failure, having to do things many times unnecesarily - and at the same time enslaving all others by not using my time effectively to find solutions to the atrocities happening in the world on a daily basis.

Whenever I see that I am designing a situation where I fail, I stop and I breathe, I realize the absurdity/unnecessarity of the situation, and the abuse that it cause to me and others as me, so I stop and instead walk in common sense.
I commit myself to walk my day commonsensically, making sure that what I do produces an outcome that is that is supportive.

Whenever I see that I am judging myself based on the past situations where I failed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, that I created those situations where I failed, and that I have to take responsibility and investigate applying the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application to the point where it does not affect me anymore. I commit myself to investigate the failures in my past so that I can stop it from conditioning my future.

To be continued in the next blog.

Day 88: Falling for Grades

I've noticed how I take what I do personally within my studies - and this has led to resisting studying. I believed it was a valid system to determine my self-worth and capabilities if I put my effort and time to do it properly - so I never did, in fear that I'd find out that I am useless. Seeing the education system as valid to determine one's worth is a very far-fetched idea given the true nature of the current education system: See this speech by Noam Chomsky and This Blog by Anna Brix for  perspective on the education system problems -and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studies are a way of mesuring my intellectual potiential/my capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I prepare for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I can't do it, that I am sunt, limited, not able to study adequately and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exams and exam resutls define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie that the school system tells who is valid and who is not through the grades that one gets in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the school system and exams are a valid way for me to determine if I am worth it and capable of studying effectively or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to 'find out' that I am not 'worth it' not 'capable of studying' and 'worthless' if it happens that I put my effort in studying and then don't get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school system as valid in assessiong self-worth and human capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the school and education system of telling me who I am and what I am capable of doing through its evaluation system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tests and exams as they exist in the education system currently are in any way valid and capable of assessing self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to find out through participating in exams within the education system = that I am not capable of making it and 'limited' and 'not able to do more'- not good enough  - If I study for an exam adequately and then get bad grades.

Whenever I see that I am taking my participation within the education system personally, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the basis for the education system is not to support growth and expansion of individuals so that they may reach their utmost potential, it is to see and select the compliant and obedient individuals through imposing mindless repetitive uninteresting tasks to do and see who can get the most of it 'in' and 'parrot it out' at exams. I realize that if it happens that I study for an exam and then fail it, it doesn't mean that I am inferior, not good enough or incapable of studying, it simply means that I have to perfect the skills required to pass the exam.

Whenever I see that I resist studying for an exam, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the exam results are not an inticative of my limitation other than my current hability to memorize and study in the format that it requires to pass the exam . I see that that getting low grades are not an indicative that I am doomed or unable to study.

I commit myself to study even at the risk of getting bad grades, within the realization that if it were to happen I would not have to take it personally because an exam does not determine who I am.

Day 87: Studying Mill

Due to not having studied and then failing at exams, I have to go to exams comprising trimester's worth of matter of many subjects. I have been offered a small three-afternoon-only job for three and I have declined it after saying yes at first, due to the time-constriction that I find myself at this point. The fear of failing the exam is big, and I see it as not worth it to risk failing an entire course. It would be best if I could manage both, but I don't know that I can do it - so best to not risk my future prospects and study as much as I can, even if I resist the idea of immersing mysef in studying intensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in being able to discipline myself into studying every day as much as I can so that I give myself the best opportunity to pass the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I 'entertain' myself in working a small job = I will fail the exams due to not having studied enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad' for not taking a work offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able to do this job and also pass the exams, and from this be disposed to risk my exams by accepting the job, instead of seeing that I have no way of knowing if I am able to do both things because I have not yet put myself to study and don't know how much time will it take for me to know the subjects effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior if I don't take the job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give an image of 'being capable' of managing many things/being capable of doing many things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to commit myself to study - but be ready to work for someone else for money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself seriosuly within my studies in self-discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying in a good rythm/pace if I have all the time of the day for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying effectively if all I have to do is study by myself for three weeks.

Whenever I see that I fear not being able to study effectively within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the one that determine what I do within my studies, that I am the one that have to push me to study effectively and that I can know how I am doing it by asking myself and seeing the proof within the material that I am studying and by testing myself to check if I know the stuff or not.

I commit myself to review myself every day to see how I am progressing and if I am studying effectively or I need to change something.

Whenever I see that I fear failing the exams, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is stupid to fear an exam, that I simply have to study and prepare myself so that I can pass them effectively.

Whenever I see that I want to escape having to study, I stop and I breathe, I realize that I cannot escape from me, that I will have to inevitably face the point of education wether now or in the future, and that I better do it now and stop wasting my time. I realize that if I don't do give it my all in the exams I will not come out of it in integrity - and all kinds of side effects that can be prevented will instead come back haunting me - by my own acceptance and allowance.

I commit myself to giving it my all to pass the exams. I commit myself to utilize time effectively.

I commit myself to take responsibility for the outcome of the exams, as it is determined by me and what I do and 'no one else'.

Day 86: Don't Fall for Excuses and Justifications

There has been a month or so that I have not written here, now that I look at it I see there is really no excuse not to write, because I can see the time-allocations that were many where I could have written. This is then about discipline and this includes not letting me avoid responsibilities with using excuses. 

One of the excuses was that I had to study first and then I would write afterwards - I have then manipulated myself into not doing studying or writing, wich is absolutely not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not write the blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid studying and use this as an excuse to also not write the blog - without seeing that I can write my blog about why I am not studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do my responsibilities instead of pushing myself within self-discipline to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize conditions to write a blog - instead of doing it wherever in the day it is possible for me to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities with the blog and studies despite seeing what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to respect myself within directing myself in doing my responsibilities of blogging and studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all the days that I don't write I am sabotaging myself instead of assisting myself.

Whenever I see that excuses are coming up to not write the daily blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that not writing is self-sabotage and that I can choose this compromise or to support me.

I commit myself to write every day.

Whenever I see that I am not studying when I should do it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and that deliberately not doing it is self-dishonest.

I commit myself to study every day.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that now that I am aware of my self-dishonesty I can change it and direct myself within discipline and support myself instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not taking responsibility for myself during my day = to change in the moment to do the task that is required.

Day 85: True Positivity (Part Two)

Here I will start applying the Self Forgiveness and Corrective Statements and Commitments on the previous day writing Day 84: True Positivity.

'How many times have I given up, decided that my circumstances were more than what I could handle'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to participate in excuses to not stand up for myself and do the required work.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that I can not handle my situation, without investigating and structuring my day and tasks in a feasible doable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of what I can do and what I can't do without investigating what it is that I can do and how is it best that I do it for maximum effectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do things instead of organizing myself practically and do stuff step by step.

Whenever I see that I make up excuses within myself to not take responsibility for myself and my world - I stop and I breathe - I realize in self honesty that I can investigate and then do what is relevant because if I 'give up' all I do then is entertain myself so, instead, I can invest the time in doing what is relevant. I commit myself to whenever I see I put excuses to not do what is relevant, stop myself and redirect myself to utilize the time to do what is important, seeing practically what I can do so that I am effective in taking responsibility for all of myself.

'I realize in looking at my situation that I have been given everything and i have given so little. Education, money, support -- all is in vain -- it is not what one has been given but what one does with it.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the support I have been given and that is available to me, starting from myself and my talents and habilities and also all the support that I can get and am getting from my world - to which I have to honor equally within the principle of giving and recieving.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to equalize myself in utilizing the support that I am given so that I am in turn I am able to also give equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the opportunities that I have in terms of my position in this world so that I can have a positive effect within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to walk within the Principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself and others' support for granted, instead of utilizing it to support myself and support others eventually/as I am able to.

Whenever I see that I am not utilizing what is available of support for myself - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am in a privileged position that I should really consider in taking the opportunities available to me to stand up for myself unconditionally in seeing the responsibility that comes along with having all the support that I have, to give to all others what I already have so that All can be supported equally eventually and that
If I do not do this, I will live in shame. I commit myself to stand up for myself utilizing all that I can and have to transform myself to a better/best version of myself, for me and for All Life on Earth.

To be continued in the next post.