Day 18: What Happened?

What happened? How come I stopped blogging for a lot of days? Well, one of the things that happened was that I procrastinated so much on studying that basically ended up giving up and more or less letting the opportunity to pass slip through and I did not pass this academic year. This being a Student's Journey to Life makes me wonder that there is something obviously not working. Basically the fear of failing and me acting on this fear by simply not facing the studying part made the obvious result of failure.

This is the first of many posts to clear this atrocious past academically speaking to make room for the new academic opportunities starting next September.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not passing last year's course.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with the opportunity to put myself to study the subject, distract myself and take on another activity, giving up myself entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to create myself to fail at my studies by not studying consistently regularly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell on self-pity for having failed to pass the course instead of forgiving myself and start correcting it by getting to know the subjects that I will be facing next year again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my academic results personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid myself from deliberately walking the solution of studying and getting the course done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by not taking responsibility for the studies I was attending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go against myself in not studying and doing the work necessary for the course I was attending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses such as it being difficult to not have to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to not pass the course to not have to face myself going to university or continuing with something new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to the fact that I let myself fail at the course I was attending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize studies as an excuse to not face myself because apparently I have to study and thus if I am not then I can't do anything else because I should be studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not face myself with anything that I don't 'feel like' doing by simply using the excuse that I should be working on my studies but because I am not, then I don't have to do it and I waste time instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a positive charge to the idea of 'studying' and a negative value to 'not studying' and within this play the game of good and bad, what I should be doing and what not  instead of taking studies practically for what they are and not make it a center point of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both blame school for not directing myself in doing other stuff instead of realizing that studies don't make me do or not do anything as I direct myself in every breath and thus I decide what I do.

I commit myself to stop putting the blame for my life on studies within the realization that it is me that move myself physically and without that nothing would happen of me as what I exist as at the moment.

I commit myself to stopping using my studies as a cover up for why I don't take on facing myself.

I commit myself to take on studies practically and physically not making them a big monster or anything more than what it is.