Day 166: Facing Life in Self-Forgiveness

 Here is a bit of my life in self-forgiveness, my fears, my insecurities and how to build a new life for me free from pointless jobs. How I do it? I don't know. I just know that I can do it one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have everything smooth sailing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being poor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't have to be far away from home to get money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don't have to suffer necessarily to make money 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i can only do one type of job

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to learn something new or a degree to change careers

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am free to do what I want - not without responsibility but I have freedom

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that if where I am I am not satisfied, I can change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot get a job somewhere else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am the beginning and the end

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am not forced to do anything in this world at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself that I hate my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to avoid living, in the life that I hate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe others will think I am taking drugs which I am not since one year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that drugs gave me companionship and that's one reason why I used them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that now I have the real power to build the life that I really want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I have to be patient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I have opportunities and I can use them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there's not always and there will not be forever opportunities for myself, maybe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that death doesn't care about my timetables, my schedules, it just arrives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that time doesn't stop for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have specialness in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will become someone relevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I don't do relevant things, I will become irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and take drugs in the past to avoid reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for my drug taking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that my fuck-ups are for me to solve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even if it takes time I can overcome consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I want another life I have to build it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the attention of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this blog will be too short or too long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about others instead of care about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if everyone cares for themselves first, then everyone is cared for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the job where I am at is not the end of the train track for my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I remain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, I will stand up for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put as an excuse that I fear something, to not face it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't fear anything - at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I can program my life to be the best that it can be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and to believe that I cannot do more in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not have enough money if I have consequence playing out in my reality

Day 165: Discipline and Balance

Discipline is not banging my head to the wall, although it could be if I had set that as a goal lol, I see that discipline is doing what I said - to me or others - until I'm done. 

I see I didn't fully understand Discipline and it seemed to me it came from the outside, when it has to come 'from within/from me' for Me, as something that I use to complete my goals, commitments and agreements.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be disciplined

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe discipline is hard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that discipline is habit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that whatever I allow to do in one day, I allow to do in many

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear boredom if I am disciplined

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that on the other side of discipline is what I really want in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot be disciplined with food

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot go back to be thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discipline myself into being Here at all times aware

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not worthy of being realized

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I don't deserve to have a good life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am sinful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a sinner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to be gentle and easy on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't have to have wants in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can choose whatever I want to experience in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can decide what I want to do in this life and do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that once I am dead it's too late

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand I am so hard on myself that I don't even want to want anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to experience anything in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not explore what it is that I want to experience in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that discipline is to do what I say I was going to do and nothing else 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that whatever I commit to do is what I have to do with discipline