Day 144: Mad House

 In this mad house, where they try to ply me with coffee and cigarettes, is where the revolution starts. I am not happy with only coffee and cigs you see? I can see I can do much more and so I will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only do so much to influence change as onenes and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can do much more to influence change as oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not sure of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I give myself permission to stand up for myself - no one will

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am ready to stand up for myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am ready to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a mad house 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the injustices of some placements of people in this mad house being unjust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how the system is rigged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the system of equality is impossible with unjust rules at the mad house

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand how the rules of the mad house are unjust, placing people here in situations of helplessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand what I can do for equality in any situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am not mad but are ruled by mad house rules

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I stop this madness - mad house rules will continue to apply to rule over people deemed as mad unjustly.

Day 143: Do Something Every Day

 

I realized today, to change effectively I can do something every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the power of accumulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the power of accumulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not  see, realise and understand the power of accumulation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the equality equation of 1+1 =2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that what I do can accumulate to greater change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty by not accumulating what is best for all every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel for beating me up for apparently not doing what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that whatever I did in the past led me to where am I now so I should be careful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be proud of myself

I forgive myself that I have acdcepte and allowed myself to put myself down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to believe that if I am not manic I cannot be my best self

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be grateful for everything I have done as it has allowed me to be and become what I am now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe process has to look a certain way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that thinking process have to be a certain way is judging it and myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that having an idea of how process is is just an idea and not real¨

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have the right idea of how process should be, when in fact I have no idea

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn about how process should be instead of going with the flow

Day 140: Sacrifice = Investment

Sacrifice is in reality an investment. Giving up something for something better. We should all consider investing in Equality for All, as it has the best ROI (return on investment) possible, ever, for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that sacrifice is needed in order to obtain anything of value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sacrifice believing that I will not get anything in return if I do sacrifice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make sure I get something in return BEFORE I make the sacrifice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that sacrifices have to be unconditional for them to work.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the fact that a sacrifice is unconditional is because results are never guaranteed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want guaranteed results.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that nothing in this life is guaranteed, except death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I understand how sacrifice works = I will not see that it is in fact a simple investment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to decide to invest in Life and Equality for all - and Equal Rights

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and undertand that the best investment there is = is Equality for All

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that sacrifice is another word for investment, they are interchangeable words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my investment for Equality will not have returns - instead of investing unconditionally - as I see it is the only possible way.

Day 138: Wich Way is The Way

Learning is the way, that is for sure, and, at some point unlearning as well, because if what I am doing is not working it means that I have to learn something new, and maybe at the same time unlearn something old - and apply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being successful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unsuccessful through judging myself through false standards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not celebrate my life by judging it as unsuccessful through judging it with false standards

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that money is not the only measurement of success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I change the way I see myself I will keep judging myself - thus limiting myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the opportunities that I have in my life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that unless I stop judging myself I will not be able to see the opportunities that are available for me, right in front of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how self judgements are self limiting/limiting my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am in a far better situation than I believe

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that beliefs about myself are also a limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the belief that I am not successful is not true

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I have done nothing to have x amount of money, then I will not have x amount of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have x amount of money instead of doing something to get x amount of money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure for having X amount of money instead of seeing that it is impossible I have Y amount of money if I do nothing to have it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that limiting beliefs are limiting indeed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am isolated

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am free, free to change all that I dont like or want to change or improve of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I apply common sense in my life, nothing will make sense

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do what I have proven myself to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about others´ judgements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give importance to others judgements, opinions and sayings about me and what I do

Day 137: Less is More

NOTE: I wrote this on Dec 10, 2021, but didn't publish it, until now.

 Nine years have passed since I wrote in this blog, and I am happy to write here again. I am older and (maybe) wiser but also I might have had a different spark back in the times I was 22. I am 31 now. 

Back then I had a wish, that things would change. And things have changed, for the worse. I am talking on an existential level, here on Earth, things are getting worse. And I see that I can't do much about it other than starting with myself. This has also been the point, self first, and here I am. It's 1:26 at night and I can't go back. I can't go back to when I was 22 and coerce myself to change, it is in every moment that I have to change.

I have been obsessed with change, but what is it really? When all on the outside collapses. When there is only me left with myself in my bed at night, with unrest for what I could be doing, so much more than what I have done. 

But there - I was going to say that there is hope - but there is no hope, there must be no hope, because hope has mantained me in a way of inaction, not changing myself hoping for a better future. It doesn't work this way. 

At the moment I see myself so insignificant but it doesen't have to be this way, I have kept writing blogs on two other blogs that I have kept, astudentsjourneytolife and bipolarsjourneytolife. I skipped the students' journey to life because I thought I was no longer a student - and could do a better job at walking the bipolars journey to life. As I was saying, it doesn't have to be this way. I feel insignificant because I believe I have no relevance, and I believe I have no relevance but yet this message will reach someone so I will go to the facts:

We are fucked - and this is not a negative message. There is no way out - and this is not a negative message - but only one, to do what is Best for All. And I believed that by merely keeping alive I was doing a favour to someone - that is not true. It is not true because by merely surviving, nothing will change. It is time to create - a world that is Best for All. 

And this is what frustrates me - but why - because the world is not Best for All. Then I should start with myself - push myself to become the best version of myself. That is why I am writing now, not to cry, not to rant and rave about how fucked we are, but there is a way out, remember? Yes, no matter what I do I cannot escape from the consequences of my actions, and so everyone else - from consequence.

So in the meantime, while the world goes to shit, we are doing like Nero, singing with a small harp while the city burns down to the grown, but withdraw the R, remove the R from Nero and you get Neo - the matrix is real and the red pill is real too. Still have to change the world though - but in the meantime I will recover first from taking the red pill - which is when Neo is in a way reborn in the movie -- I am walking my 7 year journey to life to be born again in the pysical, to stop the mind.

I still remember the first time I realised I could talk in my head, to curse and say whatever I wanted, as a little child - it was precisely when my dog was put down and I was very angry, then my mind activated and voilà it was running like a perfect machine - but it can be unplugged. Check out Desteni.org and the blogs, 7 year journey to life blogs, and start your own so that you can show as proof the process you walked and where you stand, because in times of trouble no one will know = who to trust.

7 Year Jorney to Life on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife

My blogs

https://bipolarsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

https://astudentsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Enjoy

Day 131: Where are You?

The day I woke up to pain and suffering on Earth was when I was about 10, I was living in a community so there were kids my age and some where older in the same big house, and one day one of the older teens/early tweens if I recall well talked about how there are 'snuff movies' where for instance - and this shoked me the most - they would torture people and for example take their eyes out with a spoon. I got shocked to the core, and I realised this = If I am in one room, and someone is geting tortured in another room not too far away, I would not feel their pain. In other words, we do not feel the pain others endure. There was something off.

The other day I had this realization: No matter how awesome you are, if you are not Here - if you are not where you are supposed to be, it is as if you don't exist. For example, if you have to and don't take care of something, if you are not there for it, what does it mean to this thing? It is as if you don't exist. The thing you have to take care of does not benefit from you being 'awesome somewhere else'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not be Here for me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be Here for everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of All life as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose the easy path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the easy path is not easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the trap in easy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to open my eyes to what is here as the Truth of what is Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by believing that what I do doesn't affect others - when in fact the opposite is true.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can be and become much more than what I believe is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am always somewhere - so I have to make sure that where I am is Best for All

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see that whenever I am not where I am supposed to be, someone suffers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it does not matter how awesome I am if I am not the Best version of myself within the context of what is Best for All.

Day 112: Paranoia of Failure - Part Two

Continuing from: Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

An interesting point came up, which is the point of desires, and I see how I saw 'living in the system' and going to get a job and make money 'seriously' meaning to get a good career - I despised that in the sense of seeing it as the way of 'self-interest' but yet I desired it - in terms of what one can achieve through that, through having money. So instead of sorting myself  out and seeing for myself that yes I can support myself to have a good career and take responsibility for myself as 'who I am'/what I have become - at the same time, instead I participated in 'Paranoia of Failure' to not take responsibility for myself and so that I can ultimately 'simply work for money', 'follow my desires' and not care about taking responsibility for myself but invest my life and money in living out my desires.

In a nutshell, and this one I give to myself, I did not "have the courage" to live out my desires/self-interest and suppressed it, but continued to not take responsibility for myself just in case 'I get to live that'. So I did not immediately go and live out the desire, but wait in hope that maybe possibly at some point in the future I can live them. All this was unnecessary. It is not a problem to have a good career - it is in fact useful to do something of worth in this life. The part that is a problem is the mind and sorting out this desires/suppression. The solution is to make and live the decision to change: to stop self-interest, and to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires yet want to hold onto them and so participate in 'Paranoia of Failure' so that maybe in the future I 'get to live out my desires' - in self-interest to entertain myself and not take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make and walk the decision to stop self-interest and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can entertain myself in this life through living out desires, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can't avoid taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more desires than myself and what I can be and become if I take responsibility for me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-interest of wanting to live out my desires, instead of evaluating them and see what is valid if any and what is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the gift within 'Paranoia of Failure' as I have been able to see where I was deceiving myself and that I can create a life for myself walking the Principles I've committed myself to live by - instead of desires.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not my desires.

I commit myself to plan my life, so that I am no longer controlled by desires but know in detail that I am walking within the principles I commited myself to live by.

Day 109: Back to Busy-ness

by Andrew Gable Artist

I was about to post a new blog entry when I saw that the last blog post was from 6 June 2014 which is more than a month ago. It is interesting how the mind works, and how the perception of self and time is not reliable at all. Let me explain. It does not feel like that much time has passed yet it has been two months. More than two months since I last wrote a blog and posted it. I am not saying that I have been writing blog posts in private and not posting them - that is not usually the case, if I have not been posting then it means that, well, I am not writing -- and this is unacceptable. It starts with one day of not writing, that then amounts to a month, two months -- it is not the first time that this has happened and it is not cool to say the least. It is interesting how self-perception is always better than our actual behaviour is in fact, -- it is like studying, I can do little things here and there and say I am studying but then if the day of the exam I don't peform well at all what does it say about my application = that it was insufficient. So it is the same with blogging, it doesn't matter what I think about anything, it is what it is, and the way to keep myself on track is to simply make sure I do my stuff and get the things done day by day. This is the topic of the blog that I wrote for today, and this was simply an epilogue to say -- I am sorry -- but not sorry for myself but simply to say that I have squandered time by not blogging and that I commit myself to from now on make sure I wrote as frequently as I can, daily if I can so that I dont get lost in self-perception self-deception.

Here the blog entry for today:

Recently I was working a summer job and I was very effective, even getting compliments from employers and co-workers ond my performance. Once back at home, it did not translate into being more effective at my responsibilities. Recently I have seen that this is because at the job I was doing, which was phyisical, doing food with my hands, selling food -- I could not afford to be in my mind and wandering off in thoughts for example, as it would cost me -- and did in fact cost me a cut in a finger for example. When I am at home, then I have to apply the same rules so to speak, to not allow myself to go into thoughts and instead apply self -discilpline in simply getting done what is necessary to be done -- and not believe that because I am not working at a job that I can afford to be in my mind  -- because as I have seen for myself, I am not effective if I allow myself to participate in my mind, entertain myself in my mind, sit down, sleep too much = I have to make things happen, get things done, and not allow thoughts, emotions and feelings to stop me - like I did at work thus proved I can do it everywhere.

This realization came up when I was with my cat, it was on my chest quite comfortable, and I realized that, the cat does not know what goes on in my mind, he knows me by my physical, my physical body -- and that is want counts,  I can not feed him, play with him or clean his bowl with my mind, all that counts I do with my body, so I cannot afford to pay attention to my mind for most of the time in a day, it does not matter, it matters what I do physically, the same thing that counted when I was working, it counts how many vegetables I cut, or how much pizza I sell -- the same with blogs, with getting anything done, it is not done in the mind as thoughts for example, it takes physical action -- thus this is how I can be more effective, by focusing on getting stuff done, and stopping the mind works that I allow to render me ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself convict to the con of consciousness as thoughts, feelings, emotions  by participating in them and not doing the stuff that is required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up excuses not to do stuff, instead of walking self honesty by doing whatever it is I can do to the extent that I can, as then I don't need  excuses any more.

Whenever I see that I am giving excuses to not do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that giving excuses is not valid, as I have to see for myself wether I can do something or not practically and then there is no choice but do what I can do practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that excuses are not valid, and that I can do ALL that I can do, no more and no less -- thus I commit mysel f to do ALL I can do in my Journey to Life.

I commit myself to remind myself that no matter how bad and gloomy I see some task in my mind, it is not real, and that if I in common sense see that I can walk a task for myself, then I am able to do it and should do it until proven otherwise practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that feelings/emotions and thoughts are not real, that I should not base my decisions and actions on them .

Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

About a year ago, some of us started with a series about 'Paranoia' which you can read more about in the many JTL blogs/vlogs. In my case I choose to do Paranoia of Failure because of my experience with Failure.  I did not start at the same time and until now I have not adressed it. Why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure?

The first thing that comes up as a reaction is an excuse - that I was studying/doing exams -- but I have had many hours and days where I had the time to write the blogs on paranoia of failure and yet I did not. If time was not a problem, why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure? Because then I would have to change. If I expose and unravel how I participate in the point of Failure from the starting point of self-interest, then I will have to stop it, or otherwise I will be exposed as abuser - and therefore its 'easier' to simply not investigate the point.  Also, I would have to take responsibility for myself and change. I start today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, so that I don't have to change by taking responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the point of paranoia of failure so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve in self-complacency by continuing to not take responsibility for the point of paranoia of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to not take responsibility for myself despite knowing what to do - thus being deliberate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider myself or others in not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue living in self-deception by not investigating the patterns of failure that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can avoid taking self-responsibility by not looking at the points that I have created to not have to take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'trap myself' by not investigating and changing and instead continuing to participate in the points of paranoia of failure - to not have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself within the point of paranoia of failure.

I commit myself to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, and take responsibility for myself within what I find.

I commit myself to correct myself practically within the points of paranoia of failure so that I stop my limitations and instead live in a way that I can develop my utmost potential.

Day 107: The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live by the following principles:


1. Realising and living my utmost potential

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment  and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 105: Input - Output

There is a basic premise in Math that for you to get a result, there must be something that produces the result - or else you get none, zero. Today I was working on a math problem where I missed writing a number and at the end of the excercise, instead of getting the full four answers that I expected to get, I got three - because at the beggining of the problem I only introduced three numbers instead of the four that was required. This mistake I did was a begginers mistake as I was distracted and did not check properly when applying the rules of the exercise. So what you put in is what you get out of things. Like writing blogs and studying and everything in life you give and then you receive. Jesus put it best 'Give as you would like to recieve'. Writing blogs as self support and in the way maybe possibly assisting others in their processes is very significant.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to discipline myself to write every day/as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the more I support myself in writing and in applying myself = the more I will expand in my process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the more I push beyond my accepted and allowed limitations = the more I will be able to do/become/achieve in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that time is a created thing - where I can make time to do many things within my day to support myself such as writing or studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the more I support and assist myself with Blogs and by walking my process - the more I will expand - within the principle of giving and recieving - giving to me and recieving from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live Self Esteem, 'Self as Team'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give me the gift of self-support.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the fact that I have not lived self-support and self-esteem effectively until now is a simple begginner's mistake and that I can learn from it and correct myself for a better outcome in my life/living experience.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I create my reality and experience and my world and that living self support should manifest in all areas of my participation or else I will create an imbalance by not taking care of all dimensions/areas where i participate.

I commit myself to check and correct myself in all areas of my life/participation where I see that I am not effectively living self-support and self-esteem.

I commit myself to remind myself of my responsibility 'response hability' to deal with all the problems/issues that may arise -- as I am the creator of my experience and thus my own and only saviour/assistence in every moment of breath.

Day 101: Do or Die

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog. I made excuses in my mind such as having to come up with a specific blog that I have to write since a long time ago, and basically because I was not writing that blog I was not posting anything else.

It is the same with missing class with a private tutor that I attend, because I did not want to show up without having done a task we started, and when I finally decide to go regardless of not having this task done and simply attending with the intention to do the task there, it turns out that we do another thing. So I will still have time to do the other task by myself.

So, excuses are lame and that is that. You either take responsibility for you - and me for me - or you don't. And that is something I can live in every moment of breath, with taking practical decisions.

Another example is the task of walking my lesson of the DIP course, where I avoided it completely and today put myself to it and to my surprise, I enjoyed reading the lesson - and I've seen for myself once more that not applying myself is accepting and allowing myself to live and continue living in utmost limitation and fear - that is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not have to take responsibility for myself in writting blogs and with studiyng and other tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life without giving myself direction as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not applying myself as self-responsibility in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to the excuses that I make up in my mind to not direct myself - without realizing that I then pay with the wasting away of my life/time on earth and other consequences that manifest with me not taking responsibility for myself.

Whenever I see that I come up with an excuse in my mind to not walk/do a task, I stop and I breathe, I realize the inevitable that I take responsibility for myself and therefore I stop the thought and continue with doing the task.

I commit myself to me and disregard all distractions/excuses and instead walk my responsibilities within and as steadfastness. I see/realize and understand that participating in procrastination is a time and opportunity waster.

Whenever I see that I am not appling myself as self-direction in my life, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have proven myself in the past that I can take responsibility for myself in walking tasks dilligently - so I put myself to work on the practical tasks of taking responsibility for me and my life.

I commit myself to give myself direction as self-responsibility in self-honesty in every moment of breath.

To continue in the next post

Day 66: Playing with a dog

The other day I was walking home when I saw at the park neaby many dogs with their owners - and decided to approach them to see if a dog wanted to play. I had a cool time playing with one little dog that approached me with a ball.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy myself in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain activities as enjoyable and others as boring - in separation from the activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate that a task will be boring - creating it this way unnecesarily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself taking tasks that I don't 'like' as a punishment - instead of investigating if the dislike is in fact real - or a self-delusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the 'resistance' to walk a task is real - without question or challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hide' from myself within doing tasks 'overdoing' them without directing myself practically in common sense to do fit within my day all the activities that are important/relevant - not just overdo one task to avoid the rest.

Whenever I see I am judging a task I stop and breathe. I realize that my judgement is an excuse to no investigate the task and myself within the task - that may lead to challenge my self-definition -- so I breathe and walk through the task and investigate the trigger of the reaction to the task.

Whenever I see I am being hard on myself within a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no need to 'possess myself' with a task to the extent where I abuse my body and go into the mind - as it is not needed to do the task effectively -- so I go back to breath and direct myself practically.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating on one task by overdoing another task I stop and breathe. I realize that applying self-honesty is required - so whenever I notice that I am hiding within a task I re-align myself to walk commonsensically what is best that I do in a given moment.

Whenever I am experiencing myself as 'heavy' or 'bored' while doing a task I stop and breathe - I realize and understand that in that moment I went into my mind and missed to be here as breath so I instead focus on the physical herenesss while walking the task.

I see/realize/understand that the desire to 'instant happiness' in doing a task is not real - but that I can apply myself to not participate in the mind while doing tasks so that I may start to enjoy what I do instead of going into the mind that generates thoughts/feelings and emotions that veil what is really going on in the physical -- energy being de delusion and physicality what is real.

Day 58: Let's get Real, this is not Disney

I have a kind of mug from where I drink water, and it's transparent so I had to check if it was full and yes it was, and I was glad because I was thirsty - and I had filled the mug myself previously but I wasn't sure of it. This lead me to the realization that, obviously, I am the creator of my reality. I am the provider of what I have, what I do has a direct impact on what I experience. It's like sometimes I'd like that I'd pass at school or have this or that, but WTF? if I create my reality it is delusional that I desire anything - I simply do what it takes to create that which is practical and then there it is. To create something that is practical for All, this would be to implement an Equal Money System. And for Myself first, well, the first stop/step is that I get an education, which I am currently walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a good education and pass my exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work to get a good education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass my exams instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work on the things I know will support myself with, such as studying, and doing DIP and DIP Lite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a 'miracle' to save myself in making me pass exams and have a good life - out of nothing - not considering the steps required for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good life instead of working for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a job - instead of getting one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have Money instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up writing - instead of seeing it is self-sabotage in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I commit myself to work on the solutions and stop worrying about how I feel - seeing that 'feeling' is just a veil to not see that the answer is to walk in practicality constantly here as Breath.

I commit myself to solve all my problems here in my reality by walking the Solutions that I know I have to walk so that I don't have to desire anything - to then expand into working in solving this Reality's problems.

I commit myself to stop all self-interest in desires to instead work for what is best for me in the context of what is best for all, at all times.

Day 55: A whiny Rich guy

Today I have watched some documentaries where the main theme was poverty and how this affects society and individuals. So here I am seeing lives that are either wrecked through participation in addictions such as Uganda's alcohol problems or slum-dwellers being denied land to live in corrupt development plans in India. After the documentary I was hungry so I went to eat a piece of meat and then it struck me the obvious - that I am rich. Not the rich as in being rich in comparing myself with high-income 'first world' high class citizens but in having all my needs more than covered, a very good education at the reach of my hand, internet, computer, healthcare and a long list of comforts and amenities that more than half of the population of the world can only dream of. And here I am complaining daily of irrelevant points! Come on!

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the situation I am living for what it is: A place of extreme ease that I can utilize to sort out my internal and external realities and change and stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself within the situation that I find myself living in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of utilizing the opportunity I have to make something of myself = complain and slack off in my application to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time daily on entertaining myself to not have to put the points together to change myself, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in a position where I win without considering everyone that is daily losing in all their realities - leading to a miserable life and existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I could be living in a position of poverty and that then I'd like that those that can do something to change the system do it so All can have a dignified life.

I commit myself to honour myself as the opportunity that I have been given = to stop and change myself - within the realization that I have no excuses to not do that as it is in a silver platter for me to do it.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am complaining, bitching or wasting time - stop, see the self interest selfishness within it and correct myself immediately in putting myself to work for myself as All.

Self-change tools available for Free:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
World-Change for All to have the same opportunity to self-change:
http://equalmoney.org

Day 52: Write Daily (OR DIE)

It's been a week since I last posted here. Many excuses that I can think of but no excuses are valid because of my agreement to walk this journey to life is to write daily. So I here re-commit myself and forgive myself for having sabotaged myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to my decision of writing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put the blame for not writing outside of myself in blaming imaginary forces - not seeing I am the real force, as the beginning and end of movement within myself happens with my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into giving up instead of motivating myself act in ways that are/will result in what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself in self interest to not have to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself deliberately in acting in ways that make me feel ashamed of myself - in self interest to not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live without shame in every moment.

I commit myself to deliberately act in ways that I will not be ashamed of myself for.

I commit myself to motivate myself to act in ways that I can be proud of myself for doing, and that is to do my best within the principle of what is Best for All at all times.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in the emotion of overwhelmingness or fear, remind myself that it is me creating this experience, it is not real and I can stop it in a moment and walk past the experience and not look back.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am about to or planning to sabotage myself into doing something that I will be ashamed for in order to give up self responsibility in self interest - stop, see what it is that I was planning and forgive myself to then redirect myself to live free of guilt and shame.

Day 47: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character Day 6: Not Running Away

This blog is a continuation of a series of blogs.
Suggested to read for context:

Day 46: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 5

Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  


Within my mind I have had this desire to again start in a new class with different people so that I can from the start not get attention to myself, in a way to correct this 'Good-but-Bad Character'. I see, realize and understand that running away from the experience I find myself in at the moment, where I have already participated in this 'Good-but-Bad Student' character within a group of people is giving away self-responsibility in thinking and believing that by swapping places I will be able to change how I participate with others - this is equal to saying that I cannot change me for myself but that I require my environment to change first before I change. This is giving my power away to something that is not me, in this case the environment, people that I believe that if I change, I will be able to change and never again participate in the 'Good-but-Bad Character'.

There is another dimension to this in that I've seen how I have already started to rely on colleagues to do the work and to 'know where we are going' when doing practical lessons. This I saw it had to end and asked to be changed from the group to both somehow start anew in not participating in the 'Good-but-Bad Character' and also stop participating in relying on others to do much of the practical work instead of directing myself and knowing what it is that we are doing in the practical classes. This is related to self-judgement and comparison.

In asking for a group swap I was faced with the fear of not finding some partner in the class to work with on the practical lessons as effective as the one I am doing the practical lessons at the moment. I saw that I don't require to change groups for having relied on my class partner to do all the work as that is running away from shame and thinking that by merely swapping class partners I will be able to change how I interact and suddenly become this directive and awesome guy that can direct himself effectively within the lessons and be 'the one that leads the pair -group of two-' the one that know how all works at all times. I see that it does not work that way, that I can correct myself where I am at! Because not doing so means that I am accepting and allowing myself to put blame on others, in this case on the colleague that I am collaborating with for knowing too much of chemistry, blaming this for me being lazy, and slacking off during laboratory practices. No, it's not that, I don't have to find someone that is inexperienced at doing practical lessons in order for me to direct myself and not slack off by giving all the work-load to the colleague I am collaborating with in a practical lesson.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suddenly change myself in how I interact with others in changing the group that I attend classes with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by swapping the group I participate with I will change the way I interact with others at class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to swap from a group to another group with the excuse to 'start from zero' = blame my environment for my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to rely on someone else that is good enough to know what it is that we do on the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to be effective within the practical classes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this fear of not knowing enough for the practical classes already existed within me while participating in laziness in my interaction with my current class colleague - but I've only seen it now that I've cut off the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the believe that I am not good enough in the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with X and within that see myself as inferior and instead of forgiving myself and participating as an equal with doing the work with X = go into spitefulness in letting X do most of the work and organizing and do only the minimum myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as incapable of understanding and being able to direct myself effectively within the practical classes - and utilize this excuse to rely on someone else to do it for me instead of me standing up for myself and taking self-responsibility for myself in participating with my classmate-pair equally to the best of my ability.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X will not want to continue to work with me in the practical classes when I say that I am not swapping groups.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that fear can only exist in self interest, where I am still holding on to the point of wanting utilize the relationship with X to allow myself to slack-off within the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X in participating at a lower pace and work-load than I am capable of - not standing in equality with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having slacked off during my participation in the practical lessons - instead of correcting myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to instead of comparing myself to X, see what it is that I can apply for myself of what I see X do.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am slacking off at class - stop, breathe and see how I can step-up my application to be in equality with the best of my ability at all times to expand my ability.

I commit myself to remind myself that changing groups/environment will not make me change and that it is only me the that can change me.

I commit myself to remind myself that wanting to change groups is giving my power away to my environment not seeing/realizing and understanding that who I am is what has to change and that no amount of shame is valid for giving up and running off.

I commit myself to no matter who I have as a class partner push myself to walk to the best of my ability - in reminding myself that doing this is what I claimed I wanted to do if I swapped groups, thus I can see for myself if I was 'for real' in changing myself in the current group or if I am still self dishonest and that I in fact never wanted to correct me but only run off from an 'uncomfortable experience'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the fallacy of 'start anew' in the 'changing my environment in order to change myself' idea that is promoted through media and movies - not seeing and understanding that who I am I never leave behind by doing that and that unless I forgive myself and commit myself to change and change in fact - nothing will change, only will get worse.

To be Continued

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

This is a continuation of:  Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

For more context see: Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

On Day 42 I was walking the Self Forgiveness on what I had been realizing during the that day, where I was seeing how in the class I was being the one that replies the most to the teacher and from there I saw that I did this to prove a point that I was able to take on the course so that if I failed then I would not be judged as stupid. But there was something more, and it was the why I would after the first stages of the course, step down to become ineffective studying? Then I saw in a moment as I was walking the self forgiveness in writing how it was related to bullying and how it is a protection mechanism and a way for me to instead of being rejected - being liked. Fearing that if I get good grades I will be looked at as uncool and someone that others in the class don't see as someone to hang around but more of a nerd. When I started doing self forgiveness on the bullying I started crying - I saw how I had adopted this suit of not giving a fuck at school while at the same time 'screaming' that I am not stupid. Well, that IS in a way the definition of... Well it's complicated and easy to say I was stupid for doing this, not getting good grades to be accepted - of course there were other factors like it was convenient for me to act lazy in relation to school and the same time become more popular/being liked more - it was a win-win for me except when it got out of hand = that I was failing more than I wanted at school because of the compounded effect of ineffectiveness. Because at some point I stopped remembering why I was doing this of not studying - it was fear and desire to be liked and accepted - but I forgot it and then I judged myself for being 'bad' at school and there are unforgiving subjects like maths where one has to build from ground to top and if that's missed then the new math knowledge is very difficult to acquire and work with.

At that moment I got a bit too much emotional and I didn't know how to proceed from there - it's a bit of a shock and also a moment of cross-roads - because I either continue this con or stand up for myself and change - for example I have an exam - the first one - next Friday and I have not started the studying apart from 1 hour or so last friday. This is not cool because I am walking this character during my days, this character will lead me to maybe pass this exam - most probably yes because it's the first one' but as time goes on it will be increasingly difficult for me to pass the exams because - as I have noticed already - I don't spend enough hours a week studying or reading what we have done in class. I saw this clearly - that I am not following up well with classes - because someone asked me what we were doing at class and I couldnt respond - lol - and also the teacher mentioned something about LAST class and I didn't remember or knew it because I had not gone through the material from that class before the next class to be clear that I understand everything effectively and thus I didn't know some concepts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself in walking through this character practically in believing that I cannot place the self corrective statements effectively or walk them in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up self direction at school in order to get attention from the group at school and outside school in playing the victim role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep abusing myself and others through keep living the character 'good-but-bad student' to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of the self-deceit I saw of myself that I am living in self interest in playing a character that is a victim to others= choose to keep looking myself as a victim and go into emotions and feelings to support this self interested point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the 'good-but-bad student' character to not have to correct myself practically at school and other areas that I have give up self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears that I experience in relation to getting good grades in relation to how the other students will react to this is in fact self interest in wanting to hold on to the point of failing at school to not have to take responsibility for myself - in depending financially from others and being able to continue in the feeding of my Ego as the image of myself as perfect in my mind that I want to protect at all cost in not challenging it in reality = by not going and doing my best to pass the course without knowing if I will make it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize as a justification the experience of fear for not working to the best of my ability to be effective within education and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self-image in my mind in self-interest to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the image of myself in my mind that consist of a brilliant student that can get the highest marks and can do all the experiments and practical stuff at school like a professional - not realizing that this is far-fetched from reality and that I am living in a mind-bubble that sooner or later will explode when again I fail at school if I try and hold on to this image - because to not challenge the image I have to make sure that: A) I live in reality that which I see in the self-image in my mind or B) I trick myself into believing that I did not pass because I did not study by effectively not studying and wasting time whenever I have to study - within this choosing B) as it is in a way more self-honest in that I see that I cannot do it like A) so I might as well protect the self image of myself by doing B) and it will be far more easier - plus I don't have to take responsibility for myself within this world by not having an education and not being able to get into the job system resulting in me being dependent on others that will pay for me to live - not taking responsibility for myself in yet another area of my life.

I commit myself to correct myself within school in stopping all desires to match a picture-perfect version of myself but instead I commit myself to walk no matter what through the steps required to pass school effectively in the realization that I will be making errors and I will not be able to match a perfect image of being perfect at it at first -  so within this I commit myself to give myself the time, effort and patience to walk myself through school, feeding myself knowledge one teaspoon at a time and stopping myself whenever I go into frustration within the realization that I will not be instantly good at doing certain things but that it will get better with time and enough application.

I commit myself to stop judging me whenever I find that I am comparing myself with an image of perfection in my mind or any other student in the class - in the realization that it is not where I am that matter but where I am going in the realization that the equality equation of 1+1 applied in this means that by daily application of myself within my studies I have a higher chance of making it despite any fear, prediction or imagination of the future I can make up in my mind = what matters is accumulation thus

I commit myself to stick myself to daily apply myself within school without running in my mind of emotions and feelings and fears in the realization that it is the character of 'good-but-bad' student wanting to get a hold of and control of me - in the realization that I created it and it is living in self interest as the continuation of me as an irresponsible being thus:

I commit myself to whenever I see I want to give up studying to go and do another thing: I take a deep breath and see that I am here and able to direct my breath as well as any other task I can do within that breath - so I move myself to take the pen and paper and the material of the lessons to work on and study or write whatever it is I have to do of school - to prepare myself effectively so that I don't have to repeat again the same mistakes by not having applied myself to the best of my ability.

I see/realize and understand that it doesn't matter if I don't pass the course when I am applying myself to the best of my ability because in that case I would be in a far better position when having to do it again because I will have expanded myself within school by having walked to the best of my ability wich means that I had been expanding myself within school - whereas if I fail at school and ahve not applied myself to the best of my ability I will find myself in the exact same point repeating school without having expanded myself  within it - thus the fact that I'd be again repeating the same task and knowing that I could have passed it if I had done it to the best of my ability = that will make it even harder to transcend. 

Thus: I commit myself to make sure that I walk in detail all that is needed for me to complete the course at school effectively - carefully looking at what it is that I need to know and revising everything so that I make sure that I am in fact applying myself to the most specificity and effectiveness that I can - because wether I pass it or not at the end = I will be in a far more better position in both situations than if I continue participating in laziness to protect a character in my mind.

I commit myself to remind myself that nobody will hurt me if I get good grades - that nobody will outcast me if I get good grades and that I have enough assertiveness to direct any nastiness coming from anyone at school - within this I commit myself to stop using justification of having fear of being labeled in any way in the realization that all judgement is self-judgement and that I NEVER have to take personally anything that another says to me because if I react I know that I have to work on some point where I have defined myself in separation of myself - and it's never about 'who' said that which I allow myself to react to.

Whenever I see I go into the experience of emotional turmoil and self-pity I stop, take a breath and remind myself that this is in fact a self-manipulation because being a victim means that someone is doing something to me - not realizing that I created the 'good-but-bad student' character and that it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences that I have manifested for myself in participating in this character by walking the correction of myself in reality of space-time - not 'holing up' in my mind weeping about my situation when I created it in the first place - thus I am able and must change it for myself - in self-honesty with myself.

Within this I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going into the experience of anger for what I have done - stop and breathe, and realize and remind myself that it is a diversion-tactic of my mind to prevent me from being here directing myself to walk the correction of myself in self honesty - and I see then that in walking the correction I can and I am able to stop this anger because I am doing something about the source of this anger thus I don't have to be angry with myself - only if I stop walking the correction and continue feeding the source of the anger by again participating in laziness and procrastination or not studying - then I have to kick myself under the ass and move again, breath by breath until it's done - no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to whenever I see I participate in nervousness in being impatient for wanting to see results of my application within studying = I stop, breathe and continue walking the correction of participating in my education effectively - in realizing/seeing and understanding that reality is not like the mind that I can create in a single moment -but it is not real- = reality is slower because it is building on physical support something that is real and measurable, so, I commit myself to assist myself to breathe effectively while I am doing the tasks required for me to be effective at school. Within this I commit myself to instead of try to 'level up' to the perfect image of myself in my mind = I study/do the school tasks every day so that I 'add up' to the measure that will in time be enough to pass the course effectively - because I know that the accumulation of days that I don't direct myself to study effectively create a sum total that is not enough for me to pass the school course and instead are a diminishment from what I am really capable of.

I commit myself to explore what it is that I am capable of within school by disregarding fear for what it is - an energetic experience that is not real - and within the realization that in walking to the best of my ability Always I don't Ever have to fear Anything because I am living in self-honesty with myself  whereas living in fear indicates that I am living in Self-Dishonesty as Self-Interest because there is something that I fear to lose - but how can I lose who I really am?. I commit myself to walk my education ruthlessly within the realization that I don't have to fear as fear indicates self-interest in wanting to keep something for myself - but who I really am I can never lose so I remind myself that I can't lose who I really am thus I have nothing to fear and within this realization I push myself regardless of any experience of fear or any other feeling/emotion or thought to do what is Best for All Life in every moment in self-trust.

To be Continued.

Artwork: [Last Picture] by Andrew Gable
The Resistance Before I Write - Postponement Character - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163