Day 167: Fear of Being Homeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both fear remaining a wage slave and homeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief I can only be an employee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can improve myself to do different things to get money from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a normal so-called job gets most of my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that with a normal life I will have a very poor retirement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I will suffer if I am merely an employee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I should create my own business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that without money I will suffer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world is cut-throat about money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am my own limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can change my mindset, to change my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply accept my limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have been programmed to lose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to reprogram myself to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot get good habits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be fat the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I can become fit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not about being worried about money, but about doing something

Day 166: Facing Life in Self-Forgiveness

 Here is a bit of my life in self-forgiveness, my fears, my insecurities and how to build a new life for me free from pointless jobs. How I do it? I don't know. I just know that I can do it one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have everything smooth sailing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being poor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't have to be far away from home to get money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I don't have to suffer necessarily to make money 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i can only do one type of job

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to learn something new or a degree to change careers

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am free to do what I want - not without responsibility but I have freedom

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that if where I am I am not satisfied, I can change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot get a job somewhere else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am the beginning and the end

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am not forced to do anything in this world at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself that I hate my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take drugs to avoid living, in the life that I hate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe others will think I am taking drugs which I am not since one year

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that drugs gave me companionship and that's one reason why I used them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that now I have the real power to build the life that I really want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I have to be patient

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I have opportunities and I can use them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there's not always and there will not be forever opportunities for myself, maybe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that death doesn't care about my timetables, my schedules, it just arrives

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that time doesn't stop for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have specialness in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will become someone relevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that if I don't do relevant things, I will become irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and take drugs in the past to avoid reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest consequences for my drug taking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that my fuck-ups are for me to solve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even if it takes time I can overcome consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I want another life I have to build it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the attention of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this blog will be too short or too long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about others instead of care about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if everyone cares for themselves first, then everyone is cared for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the job where I am at is not the end of the train track for my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that I remain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, I will stand up for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put as an excuse that I fear something, to not face it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't fear anything - at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I can program my life to be the best that it can be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and to believe that I cannot do more in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not have enough money if I have consequence playing out in my reality

Day 112: Paranoia of Failure - Part Two

Continuing from: Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

An interesting point came up, which is the point of desires, and I see how I saw 'living in the system' and going to get a job and make money 'seriously' meaning to get a good career - I despised that in the sense of seeing it as the way of 'self-interest' but yet I desired it - in terms of what one can achieve through that, through having money. So instead of sorting myself  out and seeing for myself that yes I can support myself to have a good career and take responsibility for myself as 'who I am'/what I have become - at the same time, instead I participated in 'Paranoia of Failure' to not take responsibility for myself and so that I can ultimately 'simply work for money', 'follow my desires' and not care about taking responsibility for myself but invest my life and money in living out my desires.

In a nutshell, and this one I give to myself, I did not "have the courage" to live out my desires/self-interest and suppressed it, but continued to not take responsibility for myself just in case 'I get to live that'. So I did not immediately go and live out the desire, but wait in hope that maybe possibly at some point in the future I can live them. All this was unnecessary. It is not a problem to have a good career - it is in fact useful to do something of worth in this life. The part that is a problem is the mind and sorting out this desires/suppression. The solution is to make and live the decision to change: to stop self-interest, and to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires yet want to hold onto them and so participate in 'Paranoia of Failure' so that maybe in the future I 'get to live out my desires' - in self-interest to entertain myself and not take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make and walk the decision to stop self-interest and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can entertain myself in this life through living out desires, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can't avoid taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more desires than myself and what I can be and become if I take responsibility for me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-interest of wanting to live out my desires, instead of evaluating them and see what is valid if any and what is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the gift within 'Paranoia of Failure' as I have been able to see where I was deceiving myself and that I can create a life for myself walking the Principles I've committed myself to live by - instead of desires.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not my desires.

I commit myself to plan my life, so that I am no longer controlled by desires but know in detail that I am walking within the principles I commited myself to live by.

Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 55: A whiny Rich guy

Today I have watched some documentaries where the main theme was poverty and how this affects society and individuals. So here I am seeing lives that are either wrecked through participation in addictions such as Uganda's alcohol problems or slum-dwellers being denied land to live in corrupt development plans in India. After the documentary I was hungry so I went to eat a piece of meat and then it struck me the obvious - that I am rich. Not the rich as in being rich in comparing myself with high-income 'first world' high class citizens but in having all my needs more than covered, a very good education at the reach of my hand, internet, computer, healthcare and a long list of comforts and amenities that more than half of the population of the world can only dream of. And here I am complaining daily of irrelevant points! Come on!

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the situation I am living for what it is: A place of extreme ease that I can utilize to sort out my internal and external realities and change and stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself within the situation that I find myself living in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of utilizing the opportunity I have to make something of myself = complain and slack off in my application to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time daily on entertaining myself to not have to put the points together to change myself, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in a position where I win without considering everyone that is daily losing in all their realities - leading to a miserable life and existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I could be living in a position of poverty and that then I'd like that those that can do something to change the system do it so All can have a dignified life.

I commit myself to honour myself as the opportunity that I have been given = to stop and change myself - within the realization that I have no excuses to not do that as it is in a silver platter for me to do it.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am complaining, bitching or wasting time - stop, see the self interest selfishness within it and correct myself immediately in putting myself to work for myself as All.

Self-change tools available for Free:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
World-Change for All to have the same opportunity to self-change:
http://equalmoney.org