Day 51: The Fear Monger Character. Part 1

On Yesterday's blog Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

I realized today that I didn't direct the main point of self-interest in self forgiveness, which is that I was terrorizing myself with fear in order to not study, to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with fear in self-interest to not have to take self-responsibility for myself within education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that fear is real in self interest in order to have an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within studying.


I commit myself to whenever I see that I am participating in the emotion of fear: Stop, breathe and do that which I am fearing in the understanding that there is a point of self interest behind this fear that is covering up a point I am not yet willing to take responsibility for.

That same day of last blog where during the day I was not doing school work: I started doing jokes to M. like 'scare/scary' jokes. This I've called the Fear Monger Character - wanting others to react in fear to what I do to try and make fear real so that I can have an excuse that fear apparently is to be feared - when it's only self-interest, a cover up to not take self responsibility; trying to make fear real in self-interest to utilize the fear on myself to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want M. to react in fear to things I do for me to try and make fear real  in self-interest so I can utilize fear as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feed-off' energetically from M. reacting in fear to what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by making someone else react in fear equals to 'fear is real' - not seeing/realizing and understanding that someone believing fear is real does not make it real.

I see, realize and understand that fear is not real but a cover up for irresponsible, self interested-driven human beings.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am fear-mongering someone: Stop, breathe and move myself to take responsibility for myself in doing that which I am trying to escape from in fear-mongering others.

I commit myself to whenever I am fear-mongering myself: Stop, breathe and move myself to take responsibility for myself by investigating and doing that which I am trying to avoid doing.

I commit myself to investigate and correct all instances in my life where I am fear-mongering others and myself to see where I accepted and allowed self-limitation to exist in giving excuses as fear to not take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to investigate why it is that I fear some subjects like Math, Chemistry or Physics and what self-responsibility I am trying to avoid within this to then move on to forgive and correct myself to take responsibility for it.

To be Continued

Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

During the day I was experiencing myself somehow uneasy. There was this exam scheduled for next week that I was not confident of because I had still not gone through the last assignments of the subject and I have judged them as difficult because it takes time and effort for me to solve them. Well, so instead of putting it more time during the day I wandered off from here to there not doing school work or other work I usually do in my day. Then at night I realize the exam is not scheduled until a week later than I thought and suddenly it's like this weight is no longer here. But it was never here! Yet I allowed myself to compromise myself in not directing myself to take on the subject, because I had judged it as difficult I was absurdly avoiding it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by procrastinating on studying for the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize 'being difficult' as an excuse to not study a subject regularly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that as well as I can accumulate myself to be effective the day of the exam = I can accumulate unsolved material that can make it virtually impossible for me to go through effectively in time so that I can pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate undone homework in having judged it as difficult instead of placing time for me accumulate slowly but surely for me to be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the petrification as fear of an exam that I have not practiced enough - not seeing realizing and understanding that if I study = I still can be scared yet I will be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to only move myself if I don't experience fear - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I will have to go through it if it is here, even though I know it is not real - I have to walk regardless of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put fear as an excuse in self interest to not have to face myself within school.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am 'wandering off'/procrastinating during the day: Stop, write on a paper/screen the tasks I have to do and get them done one by one in distributing time amongst the tasks and remaining here as breath as I do them.

I see, realize and understand that fearing a subject and using this fear as an excuse to not apply myself within it = is not valid.

I commit myself to push myself to get my daily study work done effectively so that I make sure that I am building the structure to pass the exams and not the other way around.

Day 49: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear - Part 2

Continuing of the last post, see Day 48: Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to other students failing the exam instead of being here as breath doing the exam the best I can.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to exist within me in doing the exam - in not seeing the practicality of walking practically commonsensically Here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself because others are getting low marks in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the teacher is going against me/students in putting traps in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of fear of the teacher putting traps in the exam and react to it by changing all the apparent responses in the exam of which I was not sure.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard and override some of my previous choices in the test in fear that the teacher might have put a very difficult exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that difficult is something that some exams or subjects are and that I am Subject to experience difficulty when there is 'consensus' in a class that some subject or some test is judged as difficult.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the class for saying the exam is difficult when it was me that judged the exam as difficult when learning that most of the class failed the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why the other students were not passing the exam was because there were traps in the exam - without assessing if this belief is in fact true or a reaction in fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make opinions and draw conclusions from getting to know that most of the class was failing the exam without assessing those opinions and conclusions first


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as valid the belief that the teacher had put traps in the questions when hearing that most of the class were failing the test just because it appeared in my mind - without first assessing what triggered this thought and if it is in fact real the content of it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw conclusions from the thought and fear that the teacher might have put traps in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system is against me and that I must beat the system - instead of seeing that if I follow the rules of the system of for instance school, I can work within the system and prevent being rejected by the system and in fact - accepted.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that believing that the teacher/system is against me will cloud my judgement because I will act in fear and not in self-direction; in survival instead of directive-principle of what is Best for All.


I commit myself to whenever I think the teachers/system is against me: Breathe, realize that I am the system as I am all that exist and put myself to work within the rules of the system but not being influenced by it but in directing an outcome that is Best for All.


I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in fear of failing the test: Stop, breathe and trust myself that the questions that I have given enough attention are done and move on to the remaining questions and only check 'back' if there is more time left - not wasting time in re-rechecking but doing it to the best of my ability the first time because then I don't need to look twice/make sure twice if I don't have time left when I finish the exam.


I commit myself to trust myself to the point that when I am sure of an answer, not change it until proven otherwise with enough cross-referencing that the new point/change is valid.


I commit myself to whenever I see I am doubting myself - breathe, relax my muscles of the back, sit straight and read the question of the exam and all the possible answers as well as check within myself what it is that I know about the question and then accordingly choose the best option available.

To Continue

Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

We did a multiple-choice test that gave the results of the exam immediately. When I was doing it I thought of, and even said to the teacher,  how it is possible to utilize the exam's questions to solve other questions within the exam. I got excited when seeing that and distracted myself from being Here doing the exam. After a while when I was still doing it, I heard how most of the class were not passing the exam and I went into fear that the teacher might have put 'traps' somehow in the questions where, even if I saw some answers as correct they may not be so.
I revised it and changed some of the of my answers in fear that there was maybe some 'traps' that I didn't consider. In wanting to check too much the exam I got all the questions erased because my user within the system got logged off while I was still doing the test. Because the exam was multiple choice on a computer, the teacher said that I had to restart the test but there was only less than 10 minutes left on the test time counter. I was shocked at his request because suddenly I had to answer 48 answers that took me more than an hour in less than 10 minutes. Clearly I did not have enough time - so I reacted saying that I could not get to the last question in that time but still, the teacher said to do it. So I did ran through the questions but time ran out at about the middle of the test, and then the teacher said that I could restart it all again once more, and this time I had more time -  lol

What happened for this to manifest? First of all when the teacher first spoke about inconsistencies of the computers with the test I asked for a paper test that he had offered. But he said to wait a bit more while the computer was loading - so I started doing it on the computer. I should have insisted on the paper because clearly I have to walk on solid ground with my tests and not take risks. I see here I am blaming the teacher for my experience and that it is not valid because I accepted to do it in the computer despite knowing and having been warned of the risks/events in where someone had to repeat the test. The teacher said that if I did the test on paper it would take a while before he corrected it and instead of trusting myself that I don't need to know at the moment the marks - I agreed to proceed with the computer test. Also I feared him not 'liking me' if I insisted on the paper test as it adds workload. Everyone was doing the test in the computer so I saw myself as 'watering down the party' if I was going to do it on paper. Not wanting to be noticed.

Then the fear: All or most of the changes I made in the exam were in self-doubt and in fear, it was not commonsensical to change a response that I had triple-checked because of a fear that the exam has traps. In doing that I was in fact going against myself, because I had said to myself that I would not re-do the answers when I decide on them in the test. If I had considered it may have traps I should have assessed again all the answers within a question and take a decision, not simply want to change my response from the one I saw as obvious or the one that was correct to another choice that I had left unchecked, because I was doing that in a BELIEF that there were traps and that all answers I saw as 'obvious/right' might not be the ones that are correct. 

The consequences of wanting to try and 'beat the system' by looking within the exam for concepts that are correct in order to answer new questions within the test lead me to consume some time more than necessary and it added up to the point were that I had to restart the test two times instead of answering the questions and getting the results. When I am doing an exam it's not the time to 'reinvent the wheel' but to get it done as effectively as possible and on time. If I see that if I am finishing the last one - by a difference - it means that I have to check if I am participating in some sort of backchat and not being here effectively - because if I did not know some questions I could have left it 'blank' and finish the exam in time with all the others.

Why did I judge as relevant that most were getting low marks? The way I reacted to others getting low marks comes from the definitions of 'difficult' wherein I believe I can trust or use as a reference someone's view of a subject through judgement like 'it's very difficult,' and would also even ask for someone's opinions in that matter asking if that or that subject is difficult/they found it difficult instead of seeing that I can't rely on someone judging something as difficulty within studies because it generally is an excuse to blame something outside of oneself when not having studied effectively, to not have to change oneself but blame the subject or teacher for the results self manifested instead of taking self responsibility and correct oneself.

 
To be Continued

Day 47: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character Day 6: Not Running Away

This blog is a continuation of a series of blogs.
Suggested to read for context:

Day 46: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 5

Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  


Within my mind I have had this desire to again start in a new class with different people so that I can from the start not get attention to myself, in a way to correct this 'Good-but-Bad Character'. I see, realize and understand that running away from the experience I find myself in at the moment, where I have already participated in this 'Good-but-Bad Student' character within a group of people is giving away self-responsibility in thinking and believing that by swapping places I will be able to change how I participate with others - this is equal to saying that I cannot change me for myself but that I require my environment to change first before I change. This is giving my power away to something that is not me, in this case the environment, people that I believe that if I change, I will be able to change and never again participate in the 'Good-but-Bad Character'.

There is another dimension to this in that I've seen how I have already started to rely on colleagues to do the work and to 'know where we are going' when doing practical lessons. This I saw it had to end and asked to be changed from the group to both somehow start anew in not participating in the 'Good-but-Bad Character' and also stop participating in relying on others to do much of the practical work instead of directing myself and knowing what it is that we are doing in the practical classes. This is related to self-judgement and comparison.

In asking for a group swap I was faced with the fear of not finding some partner in the class to work with on the practical lessons as effective as the one I am doing the practical lessons at the moment. I saw that I don't require to change groups for having relied on my class partner to do all the work as that is running away from shame and thinking that by merely swapping class partners I will be able to change how I interact and suddenly become this directive and awesome guy that can direct himself effectively within the lessons and be 'the one that leads the pair -group of two-' the one that know how all works at all times. I see that it does not work that way, that I can correct myself where I am at! Because not doing so means that I am accepting and allowing myself to put blame on others, in this case on the colleague that I am collaborating with for knowing too much of chemistry, blaming this for me being lazy, and slacking off during laboratory practices. No, it's not that, I don't have to find someone that is inexperienced at doing practical lessons in order for me to direct myself and not slack off by giving all the work-load to the colleague I am collaborating with in a practical lesson.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suddenly change myself in how I interact with others in changing the group that I attend classes with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by swapping the group I participate with I will change the way I interact with others at class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to swap from a group to another group with the excuse to 'start from zero' = blame my environment for my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to rely on someone else that is good enough to know what it is that we do on the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to be effective within the practical classes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this fear of not knowing enough for the practical classes already existed within me while participating in laziness in my interaction with my current class colleague - but I've only seen it now that I've cut off the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the believe that I am not good enough in the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with X and within that see myself as inferior and instead of forgiving myself and participating as an equal with doing the work with X = go into spitefulness in letting X do most of the work and organizing and do only the minimum myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as incapable of understanding and being able to direct myself effectively within the practical classes - and utilize this excuse to rely on someone else to do it for me instead of me standing up for myself and taking self-responsibility for myself in participating with my classmate-pair equally to the best of my ability.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X will not want to continue to work with me in the practical classes when I say that I am not swapping groups.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that fear can only exist in self interest, where I am still holding on to the point of wanting utilize the relationship with X to allow myself to slack-off within the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X in participating at a lower pace and work-load than I am capable of - not standing in equality with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having slacked off during my participation in the practical lessons - instead of correcting myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to instead of comparing myself to X, see what it is that I can apply for myself of what I see X do.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am slacking off at class - stop, breathe and see how I can step-up my application to be in equality with the best of my ability at all times to expand my ability.

I commit myself to remind myself that changing groups/environment will not make me change and that it is only me the that can change me.

I commit myself to remind myself that wanting to change groups is giving my power away to my environment not seeing/realizing and understanding that who I am is what has to change and that no amount of shame is valid for giving up and running off.

I commit myself to no matter who I have as a class partner push myself to walk to the best of my ability - in reminding myself that doing this is what I claimed I wanted to do if I swapped groups, thus I can see for myself if I was 'for real' in changing myself in the current group or if I am still self dishonest and that I in fact never wanted to correct me but only run off from an 'uncomfortable experience'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the fallacy of 'start anew' in the 'changing my environment in order to change myself' idea that is promoted through media and movies - not seeing and understanding that who I am I never leave behind by doing that and that unless I forgive myself and commit myself to change and change in fact - nothing will change, only will get worse.

To be Continued

Day 46: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 5

Continuation of:
Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

In reading Yogan's blog I saw how I am looking at the point of getting good grades as a reward.
This afternoon I saw how I was a bit 'down' and disappointed and in a moment I saw how it was unnecessary. Because I am walking again a course with the same name as last year -the 'same' course, I believe that I know what I will be doing and that it will be a repeating and thus boring. I don't know anything in fact and utilized my projections in my mind as an excuse to not engage effectively with studying, to participate in the mind in feeling down and without motivation - which leads to remain locked in the 'Good-but-Bad character if I don't move myself to walk the correction which is walk unconditionally my education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a reward for getting good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed because I have to walk the same point again this year that I did in the past not enough consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the experience of disappointment in self interest to allow me to not walk the solution of studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remind myself that it is never about immediate results that I have to define myself - never - and instead push myself to work daily to accumulate so that I eventually become effective at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will get something off my results at school - not seeing, realizing and understanding that all that I need is me - nothing outside of me is required to complete me but to self-realize myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the marks I get at school are an indicator of how well I can integrate knowledge and not who I am within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define myself through achievements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to match up the image in my mind as self-grandeur by achieving good grades or having a lot of twitter followers not seeing realizing and understanding that the only thing that wins if I participate in such an expression is my Ego and my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk and direct myself commonsensically instead of wanting to expand my Ego in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attach a positive feeling/experience to what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that because the mind generates what I feel through my acceptance and allowance and because the mind will die if I realize who I am and stop it = I will never get a good feeling from doing something that will get me to a point where I might realize who I am and stop the mind, so I will never get a good feeling by doing that wich really supports me until I stop all feeling by stopping the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to positive energy experiences and negative positive experiences instead of directing myself here as self-stability, self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I am doing something different this year by trying to avoid all that reminds me that I am again walking the same point within education - not seeing / realizing / understanding that it is never about what I do but who I am within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to forget that I am walking a point that I've done several times before - to not have to take self responsibility for having manifested this point in perceiving that somehow I am evolving or moving forward - not seeing reality for what it is and then not being able to change myself in not correcting the mistakes of the past in not knowing how I created them by exploring and correcting myself as the mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw conclusions such as that I know how this year of studies will play out by the mere fact that I walked a course with the same name in the past - not giving myself the opportunity to live Here in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to stop the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character if I am moved again to another group within school - judging myself before I can correct myself.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to correct myself in walking school being Here with myself in every moment of breath and stopping myself whenever I see that I am wanting to interact from the starting point of energy and Ego of the mind to play the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character to protect my self-definitions of the mind.

I commit myself to walk unconditionally breath by breath the correction of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character in knowing that from the start the character has lost as it is gone at death - but that I am also gone at death - so I might as well walk it through and transcend it while I am here breathing.

I commit myself to walk myself in patience like a mother with a child through their development - step by step in patience and starting anew day by day, relentlessly - as it is required for something of worth to be manifested.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into the emotion of 'feeling low' or apathy and unmotivation - I breathe and see that I will never see what I am capable of if I give up - and that I don't have to participate in this unmotivation as all the motivation I need is to make the decision to walk the solution of whatever it is that I am unmotivated to do/unmotivated about.

I see, realize and understand that I can't never be unmotivated by anything and that in fact I accept and allow myself to be or not to be motivated - as I don't need any external thing to be in any certain expression or way in order for me to be motivated as I am self-motivated and I decide that by myself always.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going into the desire of getting very good grades - to stop, breathe and see that I am wanting to get a positive energy experience that is not real - so I instead stick to my breath and to do what's practically here, in reality.

I commit myself to whenever I want to give up remind myself that I am at the point of change and that I can never give up because sooner or later I have to face myself so best to do it in the moment and not procrastinate as that always create consequence.

Whenever I see I am judging what I do as boring or that I know what I will be doing - I stop, breathe and remind myself that I am looking through the eyes of the mind, not my physical eyes, because what was in the past is no longer here - thus I stop the delusion of the 'past being present' and walk within this physical reality to explore myself within education and elsewhere.

To be Continued

Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

This Blog is a Continuation Of

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

- Read for context -

One of the traits of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' or 'motivations' is: Attention. To get attention, to be noticed - in fear of being ignored and isolated. And that's exactly what happened, through my participation in this character - I have come to mostly be by on my own - but that's nother blog. Today I saw in relation to wanting to get attention, how I am spending too much time daily on Twitter. I saw it immediately when I was at the train and saw the time there and the numbers reminded me of a user on Twitter whose name is the same numbers LOL This is how I saw I was 'possessed' in a way with twitter in wanting to get attention in getting a lot of followers - basically this trait of the character of 'Good-but-Bad Student' of not getting top-marks at school in fear that then I cannot be seen as cool and in a way be popular in the class, i.e. getting attention.

Twitter thus I used as a Backdoor to keep participating in the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character by instead of taking responsibility for myself in my studies by actually studying: Distract myself in something that I perceive I get attention from - but has no real relevance, Twitter is only a means of connecting to people but it will in no way change me - that I can only do myself by taking responsibility for my studies and my life in general like I do here - correcting the fuckups and standing up walking the solutions in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by wanting attention and instead of me giving attention to me by directing myself to take self responsibility by studying: Utilize Twitter in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself attention and utilize Twitter in the hope that I will get a lot of followers and be noticed by people around me and in a way be famous and popular.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to put in the time to 'be popular' and have success in getting a lot of followers in Twitter but not having willed to put in the time to study and help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself by squandering time during my day in irrelevant tasks that are not priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'all right' and conform with having popularity in getting a lot of followers instead of seeing that A) I can't eat from twitter and B) The 'feel good' from having a lot of followers/getting followers on Twitter I created myself and only feeds the mind and characters like 'Good-but Bad Student'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work my ass off on Twitter to get a lot of followers daily instead of working my ass off in assisting myself to get through my education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave of my mind and characters in working daily to achieve hopefully a state where everyone likes me instead of me accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character by working towards creating attention towards me - not giving myself attention - in separation of myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize Twitter as a back-door to not have to walk the correction of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' in not studying enough in a day due to wasting time in stuff like Twitter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself completely in investing my time in Twitter and other tasks instead of using my time to walk the correction within my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within participating in Twitter and other tasks and not walking studying effectively = judge myself as not capable to study effectively without giving me the opportunity to apply myself to the best of my ability in every moment.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to explore and expand myself within my studies by placing all the attention I am giving to Twitter and other no-priority tasks back to myself and my education - using my resources as time and attention to what is best for me first - in the context of what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put all the time I can in studying to be very successful without seeing/realizing and understanding that this will inevitably lead to frustration and anger within myself when I come face to face with reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to upgrade the character 'Good-but-Bad Student' by striving to get very high marks at school and then getting attention for it, feeding my Ego as characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the mind works in polarity and that I can jump from a negative experience to a positive one and I am still feeding the mind within my participation in Energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good when I study - otherwise I feel bad and want to run away and do stuff like Twitter to feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get 'my fix' of energy by getting very high marks at school - without seeing/realizing/understanding that this is merely a jump from 'negative' to 'positive' experience where I keep enslaved in my mind and that most probably BEFORE I reach such a position I will have long given up because I will have ran out of Energy long before I can fill up again in getting high marks because it takes time - thus

I see, realize and understand that participating in the mind as the characters like 'Good-but-Bad Student' will not in any way help me studying because if it were true I would not find myself in the position that I am in of constant failure - thus I commit myself to whenever I see I am running projections of the future in my mind like wanting to be famous on Twitter or at School = I stop, breathe and direct myself to stick to practicality on reality Here, directing what it is that I have to do to become effective in the Real World, that is here that I can touch and not in my mind where I Loose (Illus-ion)

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am not Here directing myself Practically in every moment of breath in doing a task that will accumulate in a result that is best for Me in the context of what is Best for All = I stop, breathe and see that I am again wanting to serve the god of the Mind as characters - so I take the attention back to me in walking the tasks that assist and support me practically until I no more give my attention to false gods.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going in my mind of projections of fame, attention and acceptance within my environment I stop, breathe and move myself to love me in doing that which is best to assist and support myself to live effectively.

I commit myself to walk within my education unconditionally in not giving up within the realization that if I give up or slack-off within myself and my education: I will have to live with that.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am not playing a game when I decide to not support myself - it is self-abuse, it is giving up self-responsibility and it is unacceptable to not stand up for myself when I have all the support available.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am being measured by what I do with the breaths that I've been given - not seeing/realizing and understanding that doing anything less than assisting myself to be able to support All Life effectively is the most honorable thing me or anyone on Earth can do - and that the time for doing that is limited and every action is consequential.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into fear, frustration, impatience, excuses in my mind, justifications and any other mind-movement = stop, breathe and remind myself that I can for a moment breathe here and continue in my application effectively.

To be Continued

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Artwork By: Andrew Gable  www.andrewgable.com
An Artists Journey To Life
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Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Continuation Of Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

First day and I am fairly satisfied with how I have directed myself in studying. Although I wanted to do more! - I see as if going to sleep without being satisfied with how much of school work or other tasks done is a failure - while if I look back further I see a huge improvement or at least the tedency is 'positive' meaning that I am doing more lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of not being satisfied with how much studying I have done during the day to 'give up' and not continue with doing the other tasks that I have left in my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in giving up if I don't reach an amount of studying that I thought I had to be able to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make studying harder for myself by having expectations of how should I do it and how long it has to take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to apply myself in education within Patience - in seeing/realizing/understanding that then it is inevitable - if I have patience and never give up - that I finally get somewhere - rather than giving up - because then I miss the opportunity and have to time-loop until I have Patience enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time during my day in tasks that are not relevant when I have exams near - sabotaging myself to give me excuses to give up in not performing as I know I could have performed in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'perform' and 'act' as if I am studying during my day, displaying all the books and cool school material on the table and then = not focus on it and waste time in other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag myself through my day with the books up and down without sitting with myself and really getting on and taking on what it is that I have to do to be effective the day of the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly want to hold on the character of 'good-but-bad student' by sitting in front of the study material but not willing myself to study effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give excuses and justifications in case I don't pass the exam like saying that 'well I did study but I wasted a lot of time' - not seeing/realizing/undrestanding that this is unacceptable and that if I do fail I will have to keep my mouth shut and walk the correction - not giving excuses to feed my Ego as self-image that I am capable of passing the exam BUT I did not put myself to study enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for interrupting me while I study or by wasting my time of study in asking me for things or talking to me instead of realizing that it is me that allows me to be distracted and that I can in fact direct myself to not participate in distractions and that it is unacceptable to blame others for me being irresponsible.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I can in every moment of breath direct myself to be Here and study whatever it is that I have to study and that I cannot blame anyone but me if I don't do so.

I commit myself to stop blaming X or others for not taking responsibility for myself by reminding myself that as well as it is my responsibility when I don't pass the exams it is my responsibility when I pass the exams - and that I will be satisfied with myself if I apply myself to the best of my ability.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will never arrive by seeing that this time I waste thinking is one less moment I have to push myself through with my education and more over if I allow myself to be directed by this thoughts - within this realization I commit myself to when I see I am thinking of the future within education - both 'good' and 'bad' - I stop, breathe and realize it's not real - only an image in my mind that sometimes presents itself as good and positive and other times as bad and negative - and that both are not real but self-delusions that I can only see - (which is very scary if you look at it - to be directed by such a thing).

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into the mind and directing myself to do other tasks that are not studying or that I am not being Here breathing and directing myself effectively within my studies: I stop, take a breath, realize that I can drag my books around until I die without passing the course - and then put myself to study whatever the hell it is I have to study - lol -

To Continue Next Day

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

This is a continuation of:  Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

For more context see: Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

On Day 42 I was walking the Self Forgiveness on what I had been realizing during the that day, where I was seeing how in the class I was being the one that replies the most to the teacher and from there I saw that I did this to prove a point that I was able to take on the course so that if I failed then I would not be judged as stupid. But there was something more, and it was the why I would after the first stages of the course, step down to become ineffective studying? Then I saw in a moment as I was walking the self forgiveness in writing how it was related to bullying and how it is a protection mechanism and a way for me to instead of being rejected - being liked. Fearing that if I get good grades I will be looked at as uncool and someone that others in the class don't see as someone to hang around but more of a nerd. When I started doing self forgiveness on the bullying I started crying - I saw how I had adopted this suit of not giving a fuck at school while at the same time 'screaming' that I am not stupid. Well, that IS in a way the definition of... Well it's complicated and easy to say I was stupid for doing this, not getting good grades to be accepted - of course there were other factors like it was convenient for me to act lazy in relation to school and the same time become more popular/being liked more - it was a win-win for me except when it got out of hand = that I was failing more than I wanted at school because of the compounded effect of ineffectiveness. Because at some point I stopped remembering why I was doing this of not studying - it was fear and desire to be liked and accepted - but I forgot it and then I judged myself for being 'bad' at school and there are unforgiving subjects like maths where one has to build from ground to top and if that's missed then the new math knowledge is very difficult to acquire and work with.

At that moment I got a bit too much emotional and I didn't know how to proceed from there - it's a bit of a shock and also a moment of cross-roads - because I either continue this con or stand up for myself and change - for example I have an exam - the first one - next Friday and I have not started the studying apart from 1 hour or so last friday. This is not cool because I am walking this character during my days, this character will lead me to maybe pass this exam - most probably yes because it's the first one' but as time goes on it will be increasingly difficult for me to pass the exams because - as I have noticed already - I don't spend enough hours a week studying or reading what we have done in class. I saw this clearly - that I am not following up well with classes - because someone asked me what we were doing at class and I couldnt respond - lol - and also the teacher mentioned something about LAST class and I didn't remember or knew it because I had not gone through the material from that class before the next class to be clear that I understand everything effectively and thus I didn't know some concepts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself in walking through this character practically in believing that I cannot place the self corrective statements effectively or walk them in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up self direction at school in order to get attention from the group at school and outside school in playing the victim role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep abusing myself and others through keep living the character 'good-but-bad student' to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of the self-deceit I saw of myself that I am living in self interest in playing a character that is a victim to others= choose to keep looking myself as a victim and go into emotions and feelings to support this self interested point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the 'good-but-bad student' character to not have to correct myself practically at school and other areas that I have give up self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears that I experience in relation to getting good grades in relation to how the other students will react to this is in fact self interest in wanting to hold on to the point of failing at school to not have to take responsibility for myself - in depending financially from others and being able to continue in the feeding of my Ego as the image of myself as perfect in my mind that I want to protect at all cost in not challenging it in reality = by not going and doing my best to pass the course without knowing if I will make it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize as a justification the experience of fear for not working to the best of my ability to be effective within education and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self-image in my mind in self-interest to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the image of myself in my mind that consist of a brilliant student that can get the highest marks and can do all the experiments and practical stuff at school like a professional - not realizing that this is far-fetched from reality and that I am living in a mind-bubble that sooner or later will explode when again I fail at school if I try and hold on to this image - because to not challenge the image I have to make sure that: A) I live in reality that which I see in the self-image in my mind or B) I trick myself into believing that I did not pass because I did not study by effectively not studying and wasting time whenever I have to study - within this choosing B) as it is in a way more self-honest in that I see that I cannot do it like A) so I might as well protect the self image of myself by doing B) and it will be far more easier - plus I don't have to take responsibility for myself within this world by not having an education and not being able to get into the job system resulting in me being dependent on others that will pay for me to live - not taking responsibility for myself in yet another area of my life.

I commit myself to correct myself within school in stopping all desires to match a picture-perfect version of myself but instead I commit myself to walk no matter what through the steps required to pass school effectively in the realization that I will be making errors and I will not be able to match a perfect image of being perfect at it at first -  so within this I commit myself to give myself the time, effort and patience to walk myself through school, feeding myself knowledge one teaspoon at a time and stopping myself whenever I go into frustration within the realization that I will not be instantly good at doing certain things but that it will get better with time and enough application.

I commit myself to stop judging me whenever I find that I am comparing myself with an image of perfection in my mind or any other student in the class - in the realization that it is not where I am that matter but where I am going in the realization that the equality equation of 1+1 applied in this means that by daily application of myself within my studies I have a higher chance of making it despite any fear, prediction or imagination of the future I can make up in my mind = what matters is accumulation thus

I commit myself to stick myself to daily apply myself within school without running in my mind of emotions and feelings and fears in the realization that it is the character of 'good-but-bad' student wanting to get a hold of and control of me - in the realization that I created it and it is living in self interest as the continuation of me as an irresponsible being thus:

I commit myself to whenever I see I want to give up studying to go and do another thing: I take a deep breath and see that I am here and able to direct my breath as well as any other task I can do within that breath - so I move myself to take the pen and paper and the material of the lessons to work on and study or write whatever it is I have to do of school - to prepare myself effectively so that I don't have to repeat again the same mistakes by not having applied myself to the best of my ability.

I see/realize and understand that it doesn't matter if I don't pass the course when I am applying myself to the best of my ability because in that case I would be in a far better position when having to do it again because I will have expanded myself within school by having walked to the best of my ability wich means that I had been expanding myself within school - whereas if I fail at school and ahve not applied myself to the best of my ability I will find myself in the exact same point repeating school without having expanded myself  within it - thus the fact that I'd be again repeating the same task and knowing that I could have passed it if I had done it to the best of my ability = that will make it even harder to transcend. 

Thus: I commit myself to make sure that I walk in detail all that is needed for me to complete the course at school effectively - carefully looking at what it is that I need to know and revising everything so that I make sure that I am in fact applying myself to the most specificity and effectiveness that I can - because wether I pass it or not at the end = I will be in a far more better position in both situations than if I continue participating in laziness to protect a character in my mind.

I commit myself to remind myself that nobody will hurt me if I get good grades - that nobody will outcast me if I get good grades and that I have enough assertiveness to direct any nastiness coming from anyone at school - within this I commit myself to stop using justification of having fear of being labeled in any way in the realization that all judgement is self-judgement and that I NEVER have to take personally anything that another says to me because if I react I know that I have to work on some point where I have defined myself in separation of myself - and it's never about 'who' said that which I allow myself to react to.

Whenever I see I go into the experience of emotional turmoil and self-pity I stop, take a breath and remind myself that this is in fact a self-manipulation because being a victim means that someone is doing something to me - not realizing that I created the 'good-but-bad student' character and that it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences that I have manifested for myself in participating in this character by walking the correction of myself in reality of space-time - not 'holing up' in my mind weeping about my situation when I created it in the first place - thus I am able and must change it for myself - in self-honesty with myself.

Within this I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going into the experience of anger for what I have done - stop and breathe, and realize and remind myself that it is a diversion-tactic of my mind to prevent me from being here directing myself to walk the correction of myself in self honesty - and I see then that in walking the correction I can and I am able to stop this anger because I am doing something about the source of this anger thus I don't have to be angry with myself - only if I stop walking the correction and continue feeding the source of the anger by again participating in laziness and procrastination or not studying - then I have to kick myself under the ass and move again, breath by breath until it's done - no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to whenever I see I participate in nervousness in being impatient for wanting to see results of my application within studying = I stop, breathe and continue walking the correction of participating in my education effectively - in realizing/seeing and understanding that reality is not like the mind that I can create in a single moment -but it is not real- = reality is slower because it is building on physical support something that is real and measurable, so, I commit myself to assist myself to breathe effectively while I am doing the tasks required for me to be effective at school. Within this I commit myself to instead of try to 'level up' to the perfect image of myself in my mind = I study/do the school tasks every day so that I 'add up' to the measure that will in time be enough to pass the course effectively - because I know that the accumulation of days that I don't direct myself to study effectively create a sum total that is not enough for me to pass the school course and instead are a diminishment from what I am really capable of.

I commit myself to explore what it is that I am capable of within school by disregarding fear for what it is - an energetic experience that is not real - and within the realization that in walking to the best of my ability Always I don't Ever have to fear Anything because I am living in self-honesty with myself  whereas living in fear indicates that I am living in Self-Dishonesty as Self-Interest because there is something that I fear to lose - but how can I lose who I really am?. I commit myself to walk my education ruthlessly within the realization that I don't have to fear as fear indicates self-interest in wanting to keep something for myself - but who I really am I can never lose so I remind myself that I can't lose who I really am thus I have nothing to fear and within this realization I push myself regardless of any experience of fear or any other feeling/emotion or thought to do what is Best for All Life in every moment in self-trust.

To be Continued.

Artwork: [Last Picture] by Andrew Gable
The Resistance Before I Write - Postponement Character - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

I realized that I am wanting to prove a point when I start at school, in a new class: I want to prove the point that I am smart and that I am capable of passing the course. This I do by replying to questions from the teacher very fast, competing with others to say it first. This shows me as someone that has the POTENTIAL to pass the course as I show myself as fast and smart - very fast.

This I do because if I fail I can say that I didn't study and not feel bad for it, only being 'rebel' or giving the impression that I am not much interested so that others/teachers think/say it's a pity that I did not study and did not pass - when the story is that I fear not being up to the standard that I think I am/can do/perform at school so I don't, I never apply myself in school to the best of my ability in fear to prove that I am not able to do something. This would show me as weak and less than others and I don't ever want that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to others that I am smart and capable of passing the course at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reply to the teacher very fast - competing with other students - so that I get attention from the teacher and others to show myself as smart - just like how I see myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose the image I see of myself in my mind unto others by behaving in ways that look like I am smart and sharp.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave in ways that I think others will judge as being smart in fear of others judging me as Stupid/Dumb If I happen to fail the course/studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in class within fear - in fearing to say something that is not correct that may lead to the teacher/students think that I am stupid and that THAT is the reason why I failed at the studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prepare others through advertising myself as a good student in case that I fail to be able to give the excuse that 'I didn't make it because I did not put myself to do it' when it may be real but this allows me to keep enslaved in my own self-delusion of grandeur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being graded/labeled as stupid and being left out or bullied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being graded/labeled as smartass/geek/dork/nerd if I do well at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others students trying to take advantage or arrange in groups to mock me or other types of group bullying if I they see me 'faulting' OR too smart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others trying to take advantage or arrange in groups to mock me or other types of bullying/group bullying if I get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labeled as geek if I get good grades in fear that they will attack me in jealousy/disregard me/not want to interact with me or be left out within the group at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get good grades I will be bullied or not be accepted by the 'leaders' within the class and have others within the class not seeing me as cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize getting bad grades as a social protection mechanism in fear that if do get good grades others will label me as a geek/nerd/dork and automatically ingore me as a part of the group, not including me within their circle but trying to stay away from me or openly abuse me or gossip about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good reputation/image within the class in fear of being disregarded and attacked by unscrupulous bad students comparing them with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame unscrupulous bad students for me having adopted the character of manipulation within the class to be accepted - with the consequences that came along as bad grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get very good grades in my mind without pushing myself to build enough courage to live it in reality in the face of everyone in the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to the group bullying to anyone that would get good grades without realizing that there are ways to deal with bullying if I get bullied/got bullied at school other than lowering my grades by not studying to 'fit in'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of fear of being bullied and my desire to fit in to participate in laziness within my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me having become ineffective within education/participating in sloppiness within my education without seeing the desire/self interest I had to be seen as 'cool' and be liked within getting relatively bad grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry for having allowed myself to participate in the character of good-but-bad student to increase my popularity and respect within a group of students.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'get back' to other students by getting good grades not realizing that they did nothing to me and it was me that by accepting and allowing the fear of being bullied/being left out deliberately participated in procrastination and laziness to not get undesired 'negative' attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to make others uncomfortable by displaying good grades in front of their lower grades to make them feel uncomfortable and feel inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get attention from others at school by getting bad grades as that drives them to talk with me and try to help or encourage me instead of me helping myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the character of being 'rebel' or 'uncaring' within school so that I am considered and note hated in/by getting good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a system-character to be accepted and forget why it was that I started to do it in the first place - getting out of hand and actually becoming ineffective at school due to the accumulation of participation in ineffectiveness within school/education.

To be continued

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind

This is a continuation of day 40 and day 39:

Day 39: Priority Task vs Any Task

Day 40: Doing my Best or Not

Whenever I see that I am wanting to give up I breathe and see what it is that I am trying to fulfill of expectations of myself and see the ridiculousness of making predictions when I am not a wizard and I don't know myself in fact - so I can't know how I will perform in a task specially when I have never done it before.

I see/realize/understand that wanting to keep an image of myself as self-directive and capable of doing a task is due to me having placed my self value in an image of myself that I created in my mind.

I see/realize and understand that my self value is not based on an image I have about myself or others have of me.

Whenever I am disappointed or going into disappointment and apathy I stop and breathe, and see what it is that Is running in my mind and what it was that I created of expectations and projections of myself in the future.

I commit myself to remind myself of the ridiculousness of the self-trap that I get myself into every time I don't move myself/isolate myself due to fear of not fulfilling an expectation I created in my mind of myself in fear of learning that apparently I cannot do that task and then I have to be disappointed with myself and judge myself as inferior/less than others who can do that task.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not more or less than another being because of having different skills and instead I remind myself that there is only one real skills which is life skills = writing and self forgiveness lived practically.

I see/realize/understand that I placed a value in the image of myself being directive IN MY MIND not seeing that this is but a mere image, a movie, a projection, light, nothing but something that fades away at death.

I commit myself to stop living up to the expectations of my mind by always doing my best to not break this idol as the image of myself being directive in my mind – and instead I shatter this **cker with self forgiveness and practical correction as it is not and was never real.

I commit myself live in humblesness in walking step by step the takes that take to complete a task without going into expectations and fear by walking/pushing myself to move to the best of my ability.

I commit myself to every day start anew in re-commiting myself to assist myself unconditionally.

I understand that I can never fulfill a picture in my mind because it is not based on reality so I commit myself to walk the process to see what it means to direct myself in the physical – not living up there in my mind reacting to reality in wanting to protect the 'precious images' of myself in my mind.

I understand that it is not true that 'we can't change' as the belief that if I am not successful at doing something that I did to the best of my ability then I cannot do that/I am not capable to do that.

I understand that the belief that I am limited if I find myself unable to do something I do to the best of my ability is not real and that I am capable to create myself and have in fact created mysef - even if I don't know how -and there is no other way to it but to take self responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to investigate how it is that I have got to a point of ineffectiveness in my life whenever I do something that I am not effective at so that I can push and create myself to be effective in that task.

I commit myself to walk all the tasks I do to the best of my ability in the realization that if I don't do that I won't know what I am really capable of and how much I can change myself to break free from my limitations.