During my school years I have consistenlty looked for
attention in arriving late at school every day or many days a week. I
lived
close to school but I would give excuses to not leave home until the
last
minutes, then run to school and arrive the last, having many within the
class
turning their heads as I entered the classroom, and sometimes I even had
out-loud comments from classmates wich was the cherry on top of the
cake. Why?
Because I was receiving attention. For a moment I was the center of
attention and I experienced energy for it.
I had two energy rushes – one from running from home to school and
another when
they would look at me or make some comments – and I also felt like a
‘bad boy’. There was also the expectation of the reaction from the
teacher. The first thing
I would do when entering the classroom is to have a quick look to spot their
reaction. I did not like starting the class inside the classroom waiting
for
the teacher and being one more in the group, I saw it as boring when all it was is the mind being bored for not getting energy. This
rush I
did not notice then very clearly but definetly there was an energetic
experience between guilt and satisfaction from the attention I was
receiving in
arriving late and the last-minute run.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to
want to be more than others in receiving special attention.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
feed my Ego with an EnergyGO from receiving extra attention within a group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to
become addicted to the energy rush from the chemicals released in physical
exercise such as running.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create a situation where I have to run in order to experience an energetic charge of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
myself to be/perceive myself to be inferior than others if I don’t get
special treatment/attention and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go to the opposite polarity by
perceiving myself as superior in trying and getting the attention from everyone
in a group even to the point of sabotaging myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
react energetically to the comments and stares and attention I receive from a
group.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge as boring being within a grup unnoticed or being equally noticed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that if I get attention from others I am more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
feed-off energetically from the reaction I get to my behaviour within a
group/towards a group of people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
perceive myself as God - as that which is more than others - from getting
reactions from people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define God as that which is more than others instead of seeing that god would
be taking responsibility for a creative hability.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to see that my only real power is breath and no amount of attention can maintain
me alive.
I forgive myself that I haven’t acepted and allowed myself
to see that I am equal to others despite any concept and idea I have about
myself being more or less than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as a 'bad boy' for pushing the limits of the rules at school by arriving late.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt and fear when arriving late at school - fearing consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an energy-junkie feeding of energy rushes instead of living myself that doesn't consist of energy.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that being bored when not getting special attention was/is an experience of the mind not getting energy to feed off and that when I am here as breath I don't require anything else/more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in consummerism as the consummerism society by indulging in energy experiences from the mind.
I commit myself to show that it is possible to live in
equality without chasing imaginary powergames of being more or less.
I commit myself to stop, breathe and direct myself to focus
on a physical task/activity when I see that
I am about to speak and act to
receive attention from others.
I commit myself to remind myself that whenever I am looking
for attention I am indicating that I don’t give attention to myself.
I commit myself to show that it is possible to live a fulfilling
life without having to put down and stand on others within one’s mind.
I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into an energetic experience from a physical activity = stop myself and breathe - discontinuing participation from the mind and taking it to the physical here as breathe.
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