Bernard Poolman, an Example for All

Bernard Poolman died on the early hours of Sunday, 11th August, 2013.

I will be forever grateful for having met Bernard, first online, and last year in person, when I visited the farm for about two weeks. He was one, or the most fascinating being I have ever met. A man of principle, for as long as I knew him, he never stopped walking as an example of living the principle of doing that which is Best for All. When I visited the farm at the end of 2011, I got to see first hand that, indeed, he was a normal guy, and the place and the other people living there, it is ordinary -- yet the dedication of all the people living in the farm in walking practically what is necessary to change the world, that you don't see every day. And that I already saw from the participation online, where year after year, since I've known of Desteni in 2008/2009: The message was/is the same: That of Jesus, 'Do unto another as you would like to be done unto you', 'Give as you would like to recieve' and  'Love thy neighbour as thyself' -- what does it mean to live it practically? He lived that, along with the other beings at the Farm. He will be missed, but his message is still here, and the group will keep walking the principle.

I remember sharing something with him that was a heavy lift for me, and he said, 'Forgive Yourself'. And this is what is extraordinary of what he did, he walked his process with tools for himself - namely Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Practical Application - that then shared with others for all to be able to stop ones limitations and become a functional human being that can stand no matter what and effectively walk that which is Best for All, creating oneself as a trustworthy human being like he was, he would never give up, and he did not give up.

'There are no problems, only solutions' he once said. And that is what he was focused on, solutions for people to become functional and to worlds' problems.

When I went to the Farm, I was pretty much a failure walking, having failed for so many years at my education - he said to me in a chat when I again failed some months after visiting the farm, that from this I could take that it is best doing things well the first time -- indeed, I can f**k around all that I want, or go straight to the point, like he did with everything.

At the farm, I arrived there so thin, I remember I was most of the day with shakes that had minerals and vitamins, and he would say,'it's ok, eat' - lol - I had been spending so much time in the mind I had not been eating effectively. There I had a lot of fun with the dogs, many dogs living there. I was there for a short period of 12 days, I couldn't stay more due to my studies although I had been invited for about a year - but I wanted to visit anyway. It was worth it. When I was there, it exposed how I was not being effective, in the trip from the airport to the farm, one we did with Bernard, Cerise his daughter and David a visitor, he asked me what's 'backchat', and I couldn't give him a good definition. I saw I had not taken my process seriously, not investigated or applied the material effectively -- see, I realized, one can have all the support/the best support in the world, but it is up to us to take it and live it, study the material that he/Sunette/Dimensions shared and live it, because 'knowledge without application is useless' -- common sense.

So in the moments, now days after his death, I see I would have liked to, during the time that I have been participating in Desteni, apply myself more effectively, but again, he would have said, no matter how difficult or big of a problem I thought I have: 'Forgive yourself' -- and move on, correct myself, and stand up again if I fall, until it is done, until I have it made.

From having met him I've seen how it is me that willed my failed results in the past within my education, that I can will it otherwise. Thanks to the support of Sunette, Bernard and others at the Desteni farm, I've been able to realign points in my life and next year I will be starting studying at university, something I said I would never do at one point.

Day 92: Sudden Sadness Bouts

At moments this experience of sadness has come up - for what I could do but am not doing or did not do in the past of assisting myself. This is a trap to react to my own situation emotionally, and in doing this I am feeding the mind, instead of acting on this realization to assist me in every moment to expand and support me to be and become all that I can in this one life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the realization that I could do much more for me now and in the past by participating in the emotion of sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-pity whenever I see that I could do much more for me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself wherever I see that I can do more for me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to participate in my reality in a way that 

I can be proud of me - and that I can look back and see that I have been giving it my All to live within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself within what I see is best for me to do in common sense to live effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and alloweed myself to see that no matter what my situation is, if I am breathing I can stand up for myself and find a way and do what is Best for All.

Whenever I see that I react to my situation in sadness, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am in a very privileged situation where I have all the support available to stand up for myself and change - there is no use in reacting emotionally to my situation, as it does not produce a change, only I can change me through my application consistently.

I commit myself to move make sure that I adress the point of sadness by investigating and correcting every point where I experience sadness.

Whenever I see that I am participating in self-pity, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that self-pity is 'arguing for my limitations'. Thus, whenever I see I am participating in self-pity, I stop and direct me to practical application of what needs to be done, and I also investigate the point in writing when possible/as possible.

I commit myself to investigate all the points in my life where I have participated in self pity - so that I change from self-pity to self-support.

Whenever I see that I am participating in my reality in a way that I am accepting self-limitation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I only have this one life, with the limitation of time and opportunities = so I rather get this done in my day to day - than to pay with regret later in life or at death, when it's too late.

I commit myself to investigate all the points where I accept myself to exist as self-limitation, to move from self-limitation to self-expansion by applying the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and practical application in self-honesty.

Whenever I see that I am utilizing reasons and excuses to not stand up for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that any excuse is self limitation -- it is always about self-honesty, to not compromise myself and abuse - but to stand as an example of principled living.

I commit myself to stop, investigate and change all the points where I am self-dishonest - to live free from compromise.

Day 91: Delay Lame

I have seen that when I am facing a task that is done over a long period of time, like preparing for an exam, I think I have a lot of time and then I procrastinate or not work effectively -- so I am using the excuse of having a lot of time in order to allow myself to not apply myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in taking the best route to complete a task effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell in thoughts and imagination whenever I face an unusually big task, instead of doing what I've proven to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have a lot of time to do a task, then I don't have to worry about getting a task done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to review my effectiveness at doing tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that 'somehow' things will 'work out' whenever I am facing a task that it is not due immediately -- instead of seeing that unless I put in the time and effort it will be unlikely that it I will do it effectively.

Whenever I see that I am going into imagination and thinking about how I will do a task and how it will work out, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have to consider tasks practically and start doing what works, and then change as necessary for more effectiveness.

I commit myself to work on the basis of results, where I deliberately disregard what doesn't work and apply what does work, so that I can specify my application more every time.

Whenever I see that I am thinking about a task, trying to 'sort it out' or 'make a plan' in my head, I stop and I breathe. I realize that thinking a plan of action is not effective, as I might leave things out and not consider everything as it is, as it is easier to make up excuses in my mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see I have to plan and work out how I will be able to do a task, write it out so that I can see in front of myself everything and make sure that I don't deceive myself but that I take the most effective direction.

Whenever I see that I am not taking myself seriously within a task due to having seemingly 'a lot of time', I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is only a excuse to not put myself to work. The excuse of 'having a lot of time' is a trap so that I don't use my time effectively, in the belief that I have a lot of it.

I commit myself to disregard the fallacy thought of 'I have a lot of time' and instead organize myself effectively to use the time that I have.

Whenever I see that I am not effective in doing a task, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no point in not doing a task effectively and wasting time - so I breathe and push myself to work effectively.

Whenever I see that I am going into my mind as thoughts and imagination, trying to work out how to do a task without any specific planning method, I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am wasting my time when I could instead apply what I find that works and simply do the task.

Day 90: Hit the Wall

When everything goes bad, I want the world to stop. Today I hit myself in the head with a low ceiling, due to not paying attention, and immediately reacted to two people who were talking to me - when I wanted to be left alone, I wanted others to be quiet for the minute or so I was 'suffering' the pain of the hit. This is clearly impossible, that the world stop for me if I mess up. The outer world will not adapt to me whenever I feel like it, not even if I have a seemingly 'justifiable reason' like being in pain - it doesn't matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X talking to me when I was experiencing pain, instead of seeing that they were merely trying to help me/emphatyze with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are moments where I have a justifiable reason to 'tell the world/others to shut up, stop for a moment' -- without realizing that the world won't stop for anything/anyone and that I can't control what others do/how they behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the outer world to adapt to my experience in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be quiet whenever I am in pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of having hurted myself for being rude/abusive to others in speaking to them.

Whenever I see that I am reacting to someone that talks to me when I am in pain, or have 'fucked something up', I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility that I 'fucked things up' and that it is unacceptable to lash out to others.

I commit myself to utilize the moment of clarity before I speak where I see the consequence it will have if I speak in energy reaction - to instead not speak in energy such as anger - and later on investigate the energy reaction in writing.

Whenever I see that I am about to 'adress people' as a reaction to something they are doing, I stop and I breathe. I realize that any reaction I have to someone else is my own creation and for me to sort out, and has noting to do with the 'external trigger' as the being that I react to.

I commit myself to consider my words before I speak, checking that I do not talk from a starting point of reaction or energy but self-direction in self honesty - in consideration of the situation and the other person.

Day 89: The Failer

In the past I have always reacted to my own failures, where I would become angry and frustrated whenever I failed at something such as an exam, instead of seeing that I created the situation myself. Seeing that I created the situation is one step to then sort it out, because if I merely react and blame anything outside of myself, I give my power away to that which I blame. Most of the times that I failed despite having the time and resources to not fail are an indicator that I chose to fail and thus it must be investigated, this weird self-sabotage system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I did not create failure = to not have to take responsibility for myself within that in which I apparently failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate my environment by 'selectively failing' so that I can get what I think I can't get in any other way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inadequate whenever I fail, instead of seeing the situation for what it is, investigating it and defusing it with the tools available - so that I don't waste my time/life on failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situations where I failed, without realizing that it was me who designed the situation in the past -- as I design my experience of me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate, correct and let go of the design of failure in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with failure, instead of assisting and supporting myself to expand myself to see what is possible to do/live in this world within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to cycles of failure, having to do things many times unnecesarily - and at the same time enslaving all others by not using my time effectively to find solutions to the atrocities happening in the world on a daily basis.

Whenever I see that I am designing a situation where I fail, I stop and I breathe, I realize the absurdity/unnecessarity of the situation, and the abuse that it cause to me and others as me, so I stop and instead walk in common sense.
I commit myself to walk my day commonsensically, making sure that what I do produces an outcome that is that is supportive.

Whenever I see that I am judging myself based on the past situations where I failed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, that I created those situations where I failed, and that I have to take responsibility and investigate applying the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application to the point where it does not affect me anymore. I commit myself to investigate the failures in my past so that I can stop it from conditioning my future.

To be continued in the next blog.

Day 86: Don't Fall for Excuses and Justifications

There has been a month or so that I have not written here, now that I look at it I see there is really no excuse not to write, because I can see the time-allocations that were many where I could have written. This is then about discipline and this includes not letting me avoid responsibilities with using excuses. 

One of the excuses was that I had to study first and then I would write afterwards - I have then manipulated myself into not doing studying or writing, wich is absolutely not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not write the blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid studying and use this as an excuse to also not write the blog - without seeing that I can write my blog about why I am not studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do my responsibilities instead of pushing myself within self-discipline to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize conditions to write a blog - instead of doing it wherever in the day it is possible for me to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities with the blog and studies despite seeing what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to respect myself within directing myself in doing my responsibilities of blogging and studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all the days that I don't write I am sabotaging myself instead of assisting myself.

Whenever I see that excuses are coming up to not write the daily blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that not writing is self-sabotage and that I can choose this compromise or to support me.

I commit myself to write every day.

Whenever I see that I am not studying when I should do it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and that deliberately not doing it is self-dishonest.

I commit myself to study every day.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that now that I am aware of my self-dishonesty I can change it and direct myself within discipline and support myself instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not taking responsibility for myself during my day = to change in the moment to do the task that is required.

Day 85: True Positivity (Part Two)

Here I will start applying the Self Forgiveness and Corrective Statements and Commitments on the previous day writing Day 84: True Positivity.

'How many times have I given up, decided that my circumstances were more than what I could handle'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to participate in excuses to not stand up for myself and do the required work.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that I can not handle my situation, without investigating and structuring my day and tasks in a feasible doable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of what I can do and what I can't do without investigating what it is that I can do and how is it best that I do it for maximum effectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do things instead of organizing myself practically and do stuff step by step.

Whenever I see that I make up excuses within myself to not take responsibility for myself and my world - I stop and I breathe - I realize in self honesty that I can investigate and then do what is relevant because if I 'give up' all I do then is entertain myself so, instead, I can invest the time in doing what is relevant. I commit myself to whenever I see I put excuses to not do what is relevant, stop myself and redirect myself to utilize the time to do what is important, seeing practically what I can do so that I am effective in taking responsibility for all of myself.

'I realize in looking at my situation that I have been given everything and i have given so little. Education, money, support -- all is in vain -- it is not what one has been given but what one does with it.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the support I have been given and that is available to me, starting from myself and my talents and habilities and also all the support that I can get and am getting from my world - to which I have to honor equally within the principle of giving and recieving.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to equalize myself in utilizing the support that I am given so that I am in turn I am able to also give equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the opportunities that I have in terms of my position in this world so that I can have a positive effect within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to walk within the Principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself and others' support for granted, instead of utilizing it to support myself and support others eventually/as I am able to.

Whenever I see that I am not utilizing what is available of support for myself - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am in a privileged position that I should really consider in taking the opportunities available to me to stand up for myself unconditionally in seeing the responsibility that comes along with having all the support that I have, to give to all others what I already have so that All can be supported equally eventually and that
If I do not do this, I will live in shame. I commit myself to stand up for myself utilizing all that I can and have to transform myself to a better/best version of myself, for me and for All Life on Earth.

To be continued in the next post.

Day 84: True Positivity

"push yourself as far as you can go and then go beyond it--as the as far as you can go is the limit of your program --te point where you can go no more--the belief that defines you that must be eradicated" --- The Essence of Walking the Journey from Consciousness to Life by Bernard Poolman

How many times have I given up, decided that my circumstances were more than what I could handle. Yet I realize in looking at my situation that I have been given everything and i have given so little. Education, money, support -- all is in vain -- it is not what one has been given but what one does with it. And there will be many excuses and experiences, like a heaviness that comes up as I am writing this, that tries to drag me to inaction and then I see: It is this negativity of not putting all that I have on stake to do what it relevant. I have nothing to lose. As of late I have had this experience of anxiety of wanting to have a good experience a good moment/feeling, but it is a trap, because the 'best experience' of all would be to put my efforts to the joint effort of those that dare to put it all at stake to create a world that is the best possible for All Life on Earth.

Either this or the illusion of limitation of creating my 'own drama' of excuses and reasons and blame - all the while disregarding and trowing away the opportunities that do exist in my circumstances -- so after all I sould not consider myself as positive if I only look for the negatives in my world to then give up and not do my best to support myself to stand up for myself and for All. The phrase 'where there is a will there is a way' makes much sense and pushing myslef to go as far as I can go and beyond is truly a worthwile effort to take on: The true positivity.

Investigate:
Desteni
Equal Money

Day 83: Imaginary Limits

I was reading an interview where I saw a being being effective in their world, standing up for herself and while I was reading I noticed a heaviness in my lower back and legs, an increased awareness of that area and it reminded me of the paralyisis where the lower back and legs are paralised. And I can relate this to self imposed limitation that I have believed to be real, where I don't give myself the chance to stand up for myself and instead accept to let all opportunities pass - as if I can't walk/take them on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't be directive in my world at all times.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to give myself the opportunity to walk what I see is that I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't be effective in everything I see I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to render myself useless by not standing up for myself and taking the opportunities that I have with me in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better than me and that I can't do what others can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be special by seemingly being unable to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get attention from being ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself attention and want others to give it to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust in my capabilities to direct and be successful in the tasks that I set myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the time to do the tasks that I have to do - no matter what, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare to do the tasks that are important/relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for distraction and satisfaction in order to forget that I am not standing up for myself - instead of standing up for myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing if I stand up for myself within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise that not standing up for myself is the failure - not not being succesful when doing it and having to repeat until I have it done.

Whenever I see that I am lagging behind my responsibilities and not standing up for myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that I have to walk until all is taken care of both within and without - and in this every breath counts.

I commit myself to stand up for myself in every breath, directing what I have to do within effectiveness and discipline.

Whenever I see that I am giving up and stranding myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that it must only be a product of the mind and thus a sickness that I am not standing up for myself - so I stop and redirect myself to stand up for myself, exploring how it is that I stopped to correct it and not allow myself to fall back/fall behind.

I commit myself to investigate all instances where I participate in apathy/isolation and where I give up, to correct it until I stand eternally.

Whenever I see that I am accepting self-limitation, I stop and breathe. I realise that I can't accept anything else than what is best, so in every moment I move to do my best and work to expand it.

I commit myslef to discipline myself to stand in every situation/moment that I face.

I commit myself to take myself and tasks one breath at a time, within patience and perseverance.

Day 82: Double Standard Stranded

Problem

I have observed that I have a double standard when it comes to working and responsibilities. One is very direct, steadfast and effective approach that I take at the internship I am doing. The other is very undiligent and ineffective which is when having to study and review or do other self-study work.


Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsistent in my approach to taking/working/doing responsibilities - instead of expanding myself by using the effective approach I take in one area to all areas/responsibilities within my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I can apply myself in an effective way in one task, I can expand this ability to other tasks in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I can direct myself to be effective in a task is due to the nature of the task instead of realizing that the same effectiveness I can apply to any task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply myself differently depending on what responsibility I am facing - instead of applying myself in integrity by putting the best of my habitily to all my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the way to expand my effectiveness and hability of doing a task is by applying myself doing it to the best of my hability - because then I can see what impediments I have and work on them to be able to do more/better.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I don't apply myself in every task to the best of my hability I will never expand in effectiveness on those tasks - and this is because I know within myself that I am not giving it my all and assume that I can choose to do more if
I want -- but then the day that I really need to be effective I will find that I can do only so much, probably less than I imagined.

Whenever I see that I am avoiding walking responsibilities to the best of my hability, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am deliberately sabotaging myself by choosing to spend more time and have a less quality job made PLUS not being able to become more effective at the task that I am doing - thus I instead opt to apply myself to the best of my hability so that I can, even if it takes more time, expand and discover more of myself in what I am doing.

I commit myself to push myself to do the tasks/responsibilities to the best of my hability - so that I can know where I am and go further from there/expand on them.


Reward

To become more effective in everything I do and within this discover more about myself in it.

Next post will be on Fear of Failure.

Day 80: What's in a Task? (Part Two)

Here I will apply self forgiveness on the points that I saw in the last post (Day 79: What's in a Task?), related to inflating tasks and responsibilities in my mind in order to avoid doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell in thoughts of me acting out actions in the future such as doing tasks and walking responsibilities without seeing/realising/understanding that thoughts are not real and they do not depict or describe in any way what will it really be to walk the talk of the thinking within my head as thoughts into action - but instead it will probably discourage me from taking action in seeing the task as more than what it really is, a sum of individual physical actions that need to be done one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misguide myself by considering thoughts as important and give them my attention to carefully plan ahead what it is that I have to do - without seeing that it is a mere distraction and prevention from taking action in doing the task in fact, in the flesh Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately set aside and dismiss and not act on my realizations and insights on what it is that I have to do - thereby revoking the gift as opportunity to support myself that I have in that moment - instead of doing it and exploring what happens if I take responsibility for myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately think of all the tasks I have to do to then judge them as too much in self interest so that I don't have to actually get out of my mind and do them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all taks consist of different actions and that in fact I cannot do more than what I can do in one breathe. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in impatience whenever I think of a task getting done in my head before I actually do it - instead of breathing and taking on doing it step by step, breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the physical that is real by judging it as boring/dull/difficult instead of seeing that I can be more effective at doing tasks in the physical by aligning myself to the physical, this is = to remain Here as breathe - being physcially aware of my breathe and my surroundings and what it is that I am doing, noticing the background noise and making sure that I am comfortable within my body by breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself by participating in the mind of thoughts of projections of things that I have to do without seeing, realizing and understanding the purpose of the mind of 'divide and conquer' that happen whenever I am participating in my mind jumping from one thought to the other without ever concreting and obtaining any measurable result that is real.

I'll continue with the Self Corrective Statements in the Next Post.

Art by Andrew Gable

Day 79: What's in a Task?

The power of action, of doing, this is the solution. All the insight in the world is not enough, at the end theory has to be concreted in some action, as the quote 'Knowledge without application is useless' by Bernard Poolman describes best.

The past days I've have had many occasions where I have seen what it is that I have to do in terms of responsibilities and every time I've failed to do most of what I saw. There are different traps and mechanisms to prevent from action, such as thinking of doing many things - this discourages from doing anything because Reality doesn't work like the Mind - the mind can see something done in a fraction of a second while in the real world things take time to be done, it requires a step-by-step, breath by breath physical action such as writing, cleaning or any other task that is real. Therefore, instead of thinking of doing many things, it is more useful to instead see what is the immediate next point, the next step that is required for me to do, without thinking ahead of what comes next.

Like for example, how difficult it is for me to write a line for a blog or read a line of school homework - it is not difficult, it is only difficult if I am participating in my mind about how difficult it is - lol. Because in the real world one does never 'do homework' or 'clean the house' in one moment - what one does in the real world is a sequence of physical actions that accumulate into what we can describe as 'doing homework' and 'cleaning the house' -- but it consist of many actions. So it is not to think 'I have to clean the house' and then become discouraged as seeing it as 'too big' but instead simply see that it is a sequence of actions that I have to do and 'I better get it started becuse it will take time' lol -- This is similar to the strategy of 'divide and conquer' = seeing the tasks as individual actions that are easy but that once are done, something cool or required is achieved such as having a room cleaned or delivering a school paper.

In seeing this, there are no excuses that are valid for not taking on and doing the responsibilities that I have to do in my day, because if I can do the different steps that are required to clean or do homework, I am able to start and finish doing it.

It may sound a bit ridiculous to dissect responsibilities in such small actions but I've noticed how I have done the opposite in order to avoid doing it - For example thinking of tasks as such a big thing/difficult thing to do, instead of seeing tasks for what they are, a sum of actions that are 'doable' if I am breathing and stable here, intead of going into the mind and complain and think about how big and difficult a task is - which is not in fact real, as I've explained.

The next blog I will start with doing self forgiveness on inflating tasks within my mind in order to give up before starting them and then continue with self corrective application to change it to a practical approach to walking tasks and responsibilities.

Picture Art by Carrie Tooley

Day 77: Day in Bed - Am I Dead?

Little Bunny Sleeping

Problem
Resting during the day, when I don't necessarily need to rest and not putting the necessary devices such as an alarm to not over-sleep.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself in sleeping during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk me into' sleeping during the day in order to not face tasks/responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to rest during the day to be able to function - instead of seeing that when I sleep too much, I loose time and I am not 'really rested'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put the devices and alarms in place so that I don't oversleep whenever I rest during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to wake up from a 'siesta' even if I put the alarm, believing that 'I will not hear it' and so don't set it up. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not set up the alarm with the excuse that I will rest for only 10 minutes - not preventing myself from oversleeping if I Do fall asleep.

Whenever I see that I am trying to 'talk myself' into going to sleep during the day by using excuses/justifications as to why I should rest, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is the mind that wants to 'disconnect' and that even if do go to sleep, it won't pay off as I will not rest well and will instead waste time - and the heaviness after waking up will still be there.

I commit myself to focus on breathing here whenever I see that I want to go to sleep during the day and instead I commit myself to push myself to walk little steps into doing the task that I want to avoid facing - as I realize it is the only way, that it is inevitable that I face myself.

I commit myself to Prevent the oversleeping during the day by setting up an alarm if I do rest for a during the day - and that I rest for no more than 40 minutes - because otherwise I am still tired/it is not as effective and I waste time.

I commit myself to, whenever I see that I experience the feeling of 'heaviness' or tiredness = see if there is something that I am trying to avoid doing or facing.

I commit myself to walk my responsibilities whenever I 'feel like' sleeping during the day - and then check again if I am 'still' tired - to find out if the tiredness was in fact a protection mechanism for the mind for me not to face myself in my responsibilities and obligations.

Whenever I see that I am physically tired, I stop and breathe. I realize that I will not always be able to rest during the day when I have responsibilities to walk.

I commit myself to remind myself thate there will be moments in where it is impossible for me to rest during the day, such as if I am taking care of a child or similar, where I will not be able to simply walk-off to bed if I am tired.

I commit myself to assist myself and my physical body by being Here as breath when walking my responsibilities within the realization that the body is capable of much more, and that I can only do/grasp this if I am not participating in my mind of excuses and justifications and backchats.

Reward
In not walking off to bed during the day and instead walking my daily tasks and obligations/responsibilities = I am standing up for myself and taking responsibility for myself - thus allowing me to take on more responsibilities and within this = expanding myself within my process.

Going off to sleep during the day for a long  time and/or without needing it = is a betrayal to myself, so with preventing this I will be reverting it into developing self-trust - and it will be a training that will lead to me slowly but surely becoming more effective in dealing with tasks/responsibilities.

Day 76: Self-Assertiveness in Relationships

Problem

'Social anxiety' of 'being in conflict' with relatives/friends for not calling them or congratulating them in special occasions such as birthdays.

Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relatives/friends being angry with me for not calling them on special occasions. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequences - like resentment - from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a better relative/friend if I remember and congratulate them in every 'special occasion' and that they will 'think bad' of me for not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not call/talk to relatives/friends - instead of assessing if I want to mantain the contact or not and decide to call or not. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't call a friend/relative on a 'special date' they will think I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship with 'someone else' outside of myself such as family/friends - instead of having a supportive 'relationship' - as agreement - with myself of supporting myself - and simply stablish clear communication with others as well, one and equal in assertiveness.

Whenever I see I am getting anxious about calling a friend/relative on a special occasion, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not better or worse for calling or not, that it does not mean I don't want to have contact with them for not calling them and that it is up to me if I call or not - and that I have to decide for myself, without paying attention to excuses.

I commit myself to whenever I am faced with calling/congratulating a friend/relative on a 'special occasion' - I assert myself whether I will contact them or not, without making assumptions of what they will think- as this is not something I am in control of.

Reward

Supporting myeslf in being assertive and direct myself in my relationships without participating in unnecessary internal conflict such as fear or guilt. Practising taking decisions about what I want to particpate in in my life. 

__

Photography by Marlen V. del Razo

Visit her Blog

Day 74: The Elephant in the Room of Me

Self Forgiveness on turning a blind eye to the obvious causes and beliefs that keep me unchanged and therefore Evil in a world that is Evil - where no Life is honoured, but Abused in every way - As shown daily in the news if one dare to look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I don't really know what it means to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend who I am by denying myself to walk in common sense what is obvious of what I must do to correct myself from self interest to what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately decide every time to not do that which I see is supportive for myself - and instead walk the way of self sabotage and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live that which I see in common sense I have to do - and instead project it into others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living a life of self interest have Any Value at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value experience as energy highs and lows instead of realizing that I am stability here as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid to face the relationships in my world that I participate in to keep hooked on self interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't have to stone myself into oblivion but that I can instead support myself to stand up for myself - to serve Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to go back to behaviours that
I use in order to participate in guilt, shame and more emotions -- all to not stand up for myself, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself by acting in ways that are detrimental and not supportive of me - to not stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'making others feel sorry for me' is acceptable to get attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself attention - and want others to 'attend' my every need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - within wanting others to attend my every need - justificate the existence of slaves - all so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself.


To continue in the next post...

Day 72: Reward Systems Misaligned

The problem of allowing oneself to be rewarded by someone else such as parents when we do something -is that then we are enslaved to doing this something in order to be rewarded again by them - so one is in a way controlled by them or/and by the belief that we can only get rewards by doing what we have always done to get a reward. All reward should be in a form of self-satisfaction about the job done - not expectation of approval by others - but this is not easy. Our environment may very easely reinforce bad behaviours, for example giving attention to a child when is behaving in a rebellious way but don't give them attention when they do their responsibilities - and this is a problem: We must ask ourselves what it is that motivates us. We might very easely still be holding onto child rewards with a twist/only slightly changed. For example a child that was given attention in being rebellious = can continue with a life of rebelling and of not wanting to take responsibility because it is a way to get attention that may still work in getting attention. That is a problem again because there, looking at it practically, there is a limit in the ages one can allow oneself to be irresponsible with regards to the practicality of living on Earth, like when parents pay for all of the child expenses -- then suddenly this child is and adult that has to move on and find a job and - oops - the habit of taking responsibility is not established and there it goes another wrecked life or much pain and suffering. That is unnecesary.

What if we don't need external rewards? It should be all about self-responsibility, self-motivation - to be truly free. In this there is work to do because we have been so much conditioned to respond to our environment in order to get attention/reward from it that - over time -behaviours have formed that we can see are not supportive for us or others around us or the world. Behaviours die hard but as Lindsay describes in her blog - that I suggest giving a read - it is all about supporting behaviours that are supportive of ourselves and everyone else living in this planet Earth.

Most of our life, if we investigate our motivations, might very well be a chase for the next blip of attention, the next 'feel good' sensation and that, at the end, amounts to nothing, like a light bulb that shines for so long until it is gone in a moment. If we look at what it is that our current motivations have amounted to = it's a complete disgrace embodied in what we seen all around us and that is displayed daily in the news.

A good motivation to have is to instead of keep chasing external recognition, live in a way that we do not have to die in remorse but in accomplishment - having made sure that all we leave behind is  supportive of what continues to live on Earth, and this IS something real, unlike a 'feel good' sensation - an example would be leaving a world without Poverty, with real Equality.

Before facing the world problems, though, we have to go back to what make us do what we do and correct it - because by continuing doing what we have been doing = nothing will change. And this is because what we are so busy doing is supporting a system that enslaves us to continue living in the world as we see it today - and it is deteriorating further and further.

This blog will continue with analyzing behaviours that are not supportive that reinforce self-enslavement such as apathy and other disfunctional behaviours - and then correcting them and seeing the solution and reward that lays in applying the correction.

Day 71: Getting to Know All Things

With enough time and resources one can research anything and then get to understand something that at first sight seem impossible to descipher.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time on doing activities that are not prioritary in my day before doing what comes first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of doing the things that I have to do by avoiding doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give importance to the things I have to do in a day instead of doing them and moving on.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't really want to be all my life distracting myself to prevent me from doing something I consider I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare to do all the things I see I must be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger for deliberately not doing what I see I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some tasks as difficult - instead of seeing that with enough time and patience much can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent whenever I don't understand something - instead of going into the nitty gritty details of what it is I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough background knowledge on a subject to understand a specific piece of that subject - instead of moving myself to study the subject from the ground up so that I can understand the what is being presented.

Whenever I see that I am reluctant to take on a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the sooner I walk the task - the more time I will have to work on any problems that I may aruse - and thus increase my success rate.

Whenever I see that I resist doing a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that no matter how difficult a point presents itself to be - I can study all of it - and thus I see/realize/understand the point is not the problem but the unwillingness to study it.

Day 70: The Haunting Past

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up an opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there will be one decision or lost opportunity that will make or break me - instead of seeing how the accumulation process works, where it is the daily accumulation of actions that amount to something - either worth or dreadful - or a sour mix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others impeding that I access an opportunity to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to build a successful life.

Whenever I see that I am going into fear of the future I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that the future is built action by action and thus I have to work with what I can have an influence on so that it is the best influence possible - to expand myself.

Whenever I blame someone or something for my experience I stop and breathe. I realize that taking responsibility for creating a future for myself entails taking responsibility for what I have already created for myself in the past - so I walk the correction and stop the reactions as they arise - reminding myself that it is me that created the experience of me.

Day 69: Slowing Down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do many things in little time instead of doing things thorougly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better if I do more things, regardless of the quality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be looked up to for doing a lot of things in little time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go faster in what I do, taking shortcuts and not knowing exactly what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I rush in doing things and finish them sooner = I have done more - instead of realizing that there is no use in finishing doing something if I have not integrated it and made sense of it so that it is of use for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the McDonalization of my life, of wanting to serve and have things delivered fast, regardless of quality or consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to review how I participate within my day to see where I can improve in supporting myself.

Whenever I see I want to rush in doing things, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no use in finishing doing something for the sake of it - but to utilize what I do to support myself - so I slow
down and see how can I support myself in what I am doing.

Whenever I feel anxious about having to do something I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no one but myself that is pressing on me to get something done - so instead I breathe and am gentle with myself in giving myself the time to complete the task as much as possible.

Day 67: The Power of Persistence

I missed one day of writing and was experiencing this apathy towards supporting myself again and then the decision of not giving up and 'going back at it' emerges - and it is the solution, to keep walking regardless of the experience - giving up is the sure way to get nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up when experiencing apathy towards writing/ supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider giving up as an option - instead of seeing that I will inevitably have to 'get back at it' in supporting myself - or face the consequences in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to procrastinate on supporting myself - instead of seeing that self-sabotage and self compromise is non-negotiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of apathy towards supporting myself as real - without seeing the common sense implications of following apahty and giving up that are self compromise - and thus unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the experience of apathy to not have to face myself in the moment - instead of seeing the foolishnes of going against myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if apathy can come up and then go away it means it is not real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which I am can never go away - and that choosing to live a miserable life is a disgrace and not wanting to honour myself or others as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have become as what I do and how I experience myself at the moment = is who I am -- without investigating and doing all I can to make myself functional to support myself and all other Life forms on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself every time I give up - instead of giving myself the opportunity to change through supporting myself unconditionally.

Whenever I see that I am participating in the experience of apathy/wanting to give up, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that I must support myself practically and for this I can make a list/see what it is that I have to do and do it, step by step.

Whenever I see I want to give up, I stop and breathe. I realize that every moment of breath is an opportunity to support myself and that I have nothing more and nothing less than that - so I move myself to invest my breaths in doing activities that support myself and not the other way around.