Day 31: Being Liked

 

The first day I find myself participating in the class about 50% of the times the teacher asks a question. There is something going on about wanting that much attention and it is related to wanting to get better marks by being liked by the teacher that stems from fear of getting bad marks if I am disliked and from competition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within fearing failing – want the teacher to like me so that I can influence him/her to put a better score based on my manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by the teacher and getting worse marks for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that no matter how ‘nice’ or not I am towards the teacher what matters is how I perform in the class/practices/exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher not liking me as a reason for getting bad marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I manage to get the teacher to like me I will get better marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put the reason why I get the marks I get within the teacher liking me or not instead of sticking to the rules of evaluation of every subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to interact more with the teacher than the rest of the class so that he/she gets to know me in the hope that I will get special treatment if 

I succeed to make him/her like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get better/privileged treatment from the teacher than the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in competition within getting attention from the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to make things easier for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the subjects to be easier for me than for the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the class and from the teacher by competing to get attention to be liked and to get better grades and better opportunities than the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be better than the rest of the class/than the majority of the class in the eyes of the teacher by ‘showing off’ in front of them in speaking knowledge and information in the hope that I will get special treatment for that and that it will reflect in my grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with the teacher/class in fear of not being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious when the teacher asks a question and nobody replies in the classroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately answer a question that the teacher asks if I know the answer without considering everyone else in the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ‘earn’ points in the eyes of the theacher whenever I reply a question when nobody does.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that maybe I am not the only one that know the answer but the others are holding back because I am immediately showing signs that I want to reply to the question/reply to the question - and so I finally participate without giving the opportunity for others to participate  - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the opportunity to reply to teacher’s questions to ‘show off’ in order to be liked/in the hopes of being liked and getting more ‘points’/better grades – in competition with all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the class from the starting point of energy and desire to show off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the class in fear of not being liked if I don’t and thus getting –apparently- worse marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe from the starting point of Ego that if I don’t reply a question no one will.

Whenever I see I am about to talk with the class within the starting point of ‘showing off’ or wanting to be liked by the teacher I stop, breathe and reconsider the point to see how I can support myself within it in fact – not talking to be liked.

Whenever I see I am about to spend more time talking with the teacher I stop and consider if I in fact require to talk with the teacher or if I am wanting to be liked/noticed and accordingly act.

Whenever I see I am wanting to participate in the classroom within the starting point of competition and getting attention I stop, breathe and allow others to share themselves/participate in the class equally.

Whenever I get anxious to participate within a question being asked by the teacher I stop, breathe and consider if I require support or further insight with the point I am going to participate with and act accordingly.

Whenever I see that nobody replies a question the teacher has asked and I go into anxiety and desire 

to reply I stop within myself and breathe or say ‘stop’ and breathe and allow time to pass so someone else can have the opportunity to participate.

Whenever I see that I go into fear of letting pass an opportunity to show off within the class I stop, breathe and and leave the opportunity open for others to participate in the class.

I commit myself to check within myself the starting point of my participation in the class BEFORE I speak so that I don’t talk from the starting point of energy or fear.

Day 29: Attent-ion as Energy Addict-ion

During my school years I have consistenlty looked for attention in arriving late at school every day or many days a week. I lived close to school but I would give excuses to not leave home until the last minutes, then run to school and arrive the last, having many within the class turning their heads as I entered the classroom, and sometimes I even had out-loud comments from classmates wich was the cherry on top of the cake. Why? Because I was receiving attention. For a moment I was the center of attention and I experienced energy for it. I had two energy rushes – one from running from home to school and another when they would look at me or make some comments – and I also felt like a ‘bad boy’. There was also the expectation of the reaction from the teacher. The first thing I would do when entering the classroom is to have a quick look to spot their reaction. I did not like starting the class inside the classroom waiting for the teacher and being one more in the group, I saw it as boring when all it was is the mind being bored for not getting energy. This rush I did not notice then very clearly but definetly there was an energetic experience between guilt and satisfaction from the attention I was receiving in arriving late and the last-minute run.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be more than others in receiving special attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my Ego with an EnergyGO from receiving extra attention within a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy rush from the chemicals released in physical exercise such as running.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create a situation where I have to run in order to experience an energetic charge of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be/perceive myself to be inferior than others if I don’t get special treatment/attention and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go to the opposite polarity by perceiving myself as superior in trying and getting the attention from everyone in a group even to the point of sabotaging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react energetically to the comments and stares and attention I receive from a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge as boring being within a grup unnoticed or being equally noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get attention from others I am more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed-off energetically from the reaction I get to my behaviour within a group/towards a group of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as God - as that which is more than others - from getting reactions from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define God as that which is more than others instead of seeing that god would be taking responsibility for a creative hability.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my only real power is breath and no amount of attention can maintain me alive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t acepted and allowed myself to see that I am equal to others despite any concept and idea I have about myself being more or less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as a 'bad boy' for pushing the limits of the rules at school by arriving late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt and fear when arriving late at school - fearing consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an energy-junkie feeding of energy rushes instead of living myself that doesn't consist of energy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that being bored when not getting special attention was/is an experience of the mind not getting energy to feed off and that when I am here as breath I don't require anything else/more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in consummerism as the consummerism society by indulging in energy experiences from the mind.

I commit myself to show that it is possible to live in equality without chasing imaginary powergames of being more or less.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and direct myself to focus on a physical task/activity when I see that

I am about to speak and act to receive attention from others.

I commit myself to remind myself that whenever I am looking for attention I am indicating that I don’t give attention to myself.

I commit myself to show that it is possible to live a fulfilling life without having to put down and stand on others within one’s mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into an energetic experience from a physical activity = stop myself and breathe - discontinuing participation from the mind and taking it to the physical here as breathe.