Day 145: It Matters

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be left out without a job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to provide for myself

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that death is inevitable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear rule my actions and decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get money for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fired from my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that life is at the other side of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill myself with fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being trusted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust others because I don't trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to fear being relevant

Day 126: Stability as Matter

Lately I have allowed myself to have mood swings without realising that I am Matter - and that's what matters - Stability as Matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape this reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct my reality as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate standing up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am here no matter what goes on in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that most that happens in my mind is bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand that it is not important what goes on in the mind in terms of giving it importance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to believe that I am my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am more than my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to celebrate that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that no matter what, I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that no matter what goes up in my head I remain here stable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand the stability in matter.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am mood swings.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that no matter what I am still here stable infinitely.

Day 88: Falling for Grades

I've noticed how I take what I do personally within my studies - and this has led to resisting studying. I believed it was a valid system to determine my self-worth and capabilities if I put my effort and time to do it properly - so I never did, in fear that I'd find out that I am useless. Seeing the education system as valid to determine one's worth is a very far-fetched idea given the true nature of the current education system: See this speech by Noam Chomsky and This Blog by Anna Brix for  perspective on the education system problems -and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studies are a way of mesuring my intellectual potiential/my capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I prepare for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I can't do it, that I am sunt, limited, not able to study adequately and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exams and exam resutls define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie that the school system tells who is valid and who is not through the grades that one gets in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the school system and exams are a valid way for me to determine if I am worth it and capable of studying effectively or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to 'find out' that I am not 'worth it' not 'capable of studying' and 'worthless' if it happens that I put my effort in studying and then don't get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school system as valid in assessiong self-worth and human capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the school and education system of telling me who I am and what I am capable of doing through its evaluation system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tests and exams as they exist in the education system currently are in any way valid and capable of assessing self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to find out through participating in exams within the education system = that I am not capable of making it and 'limited' and 'not able to do more'- not good enough  - If I study for an exam adequately and then get bad grades.

Whenever I see that I am taking my participation within the education system personally, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the basis for the education system is not to support growth and expansion of individuals so that they may reach their utmost potential, it is to see and select the compliant and obedient individuals through imposing mindless repetitive uninteresting tasks to do and see who can get the most of it 'in' and 'parrot it out' at exams. I realize that if it happens that I study for an exam and then fail it, it doesn't mean that I am inferior, not good enough or incapable of studying, it simply means that I have to perfect the skills required to pass the exam.

Whenever I see that I resist studying for an exam, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the exam results are not an inticative of my limitation other than my current hability to memorize and study in the format that it requires to pass the exam . I see that that getting low grades are not an indicative that I am doomed or unable to study.

I commit myself to study even at the risk of getting bad grades, within the realization that if it were to happen I would not have to take it personally because an exam does not determine who I am.