Day 106: Tiredness by Beliefs

Sleep, almost with a little bending of the L you can get 'Sheep'. Sleep control and what the media has tried to indoctrinate of us to sleep - of which there is a cool video Hangout here. I won't go into that but instead into how I have manipulated myself into acting differently when I have not had too much sleep/enough sleep. So last night I did not have a lot of sleep but about half of what I should have slept, and then in the afternoon I was not effectively working on math problems as effectively as I did the day before when I had more sleep. What is interesting is that later in the afternoon, when I finished the math classes, I was full of energy. So it means that I was manipulating myself to not perform/apply myself as effectively because of beliefs that if I am tired then I cannot operate/function effectively - that if I have not slept enough one night then it has to affect my ability to direct my day and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have not slept as much as I usually sleep or if I have slept only a little = that I will not be able to be effective at mind-work related tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is only if I participate in the mind that I am 'slow and dull' and that I am 'here' and alert when I am Here as breath, even if I have not slept the usual amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose myself the limitation of not being able to direct my day and responsibilities effectively in participating in the belief that = if I do not sleep the required hours the day before = the next day I will not be able to 'function' properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of walking moment by moment, pre-design my experience within my day by believing that I will automatically be tired if I have not slept the amount of hours I normally sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not delving and doing the stuff that I find difficult with the excuse that I am tired - when in fact I am immediately aware and prepared to do any other activity, which reveals that - in that moment - I am not really limited by not having slept the regular amount of hours.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see for myself if I am really tired and need to have a rest or if I can walk my responsibilities - and according to this - walk my day.

Whenever I see that I am putting excuses to not do some activities but can do others easily, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in excuses and self-limitation by avoiding walking my responsibilities.

I commit myself to disregard excuses that 'I am tired' and instead assess if I can do an activity in the moment.

I commit myself to assess the real physical condition of my body and see if I am making up an experience with my mind where I am not effective or if I really need to stop and rest if possible.

I commit myself to make the necessary arrangements to be able to provide my body with the neccessary support in terms of sleep and eat so that I dont have to put unnecessary stress on it.

I commit myself to identify and stop whenever I am participating in excuses to not engage and walk my responsibilities effectively.

I commit myself to walk my day/responsibilities without a preconceived idea of the state that my mind and body will be in based in how much I have slept - but instead assess the state of my body in the moment and act accordingly by taking common sense practical decisions that consider my body and without allowing self-limitation of the mind such as believes that I must be tired.

Day 88: Falling for Grades

I've noticed how I take what I do personally within my studies - and this has led to resisting studying. I believed it was a valid system to determine my self-worth and capabilities if I put my effort and time to do it properly - so I never did, in fear that I'd find out that I am useless. Seeing the education system as valid to determine one's worth is a very far-fetched idea given the true nature of the current education system: See this speech by Noam Chomsky and This Blog by Anna Brix for  perspective on the education system problems -and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studies are a way of mesuring my intellectual potiential/my capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I prepare for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I can't do it, that I am sunt, limited, not able to study adequately and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exams and exam resutls define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie that the school system tells who is valid and who is not through the grades that one gets in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the school system and exams are a valid way for me to determine if I am worth it and capable of studying effectively or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to 'find out' that I am not 'worth it' not 'capable of studying' and 'worthless' if it happens that I put my effort in studying and then don't get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school system as valid in assessiong self-worth and human capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the school and education system of telling me who I am and what I am capable of doing through its evaluation system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tests and exams as they exist in the education system currently are in any way valid and capable of assessing self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to find out through participating in exams within the education system = that I am not capable of making it and 'limited' and 'not able to do more'- not good enough  - If I study for an exam adequately and then get bad grades.

Whenever I see that I am taking my participation within the education system personally, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the basis for the education system is not to support growth and expansion of individuals so that they may reach their utmost potential, it is to see and select the compliant and obedient individuals through imposing mindless repetitive uninteresting tasks to do and see who can get the most of it 'in' and 'parrot it out' at exams. I realize that if it happens that I study for an exam and then fail it, it doesn't mean that I am inferior, not good enough or incapable of studying, it simply means that I have to perfect the skills required to pass the exam.

Whenever I see that I resist studying for an exam, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the exam results are not an inticative of my limitation other than my current hability to memorize and study in the format that it requires to pass the exam . I see that that getting low grades are not an indicative that I am doomed or unable to study.

I commit myself to study even at the risk of getting bad grades, within the realization that if it were to happen I would not have to take it personally because an exam does not determine who I am.

Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

We did a multiple-choice test that gave the results of the exam immediately. When I was doing it I thought of, and even said to the teacher,  how it is possible to utilize the exam's questions to solve other questions within the exam. I got excited when seeing that and distracted myself from being Here doing the exam. After a while when I was still doing it, I heard how most of the class were not passing the exam and I went into fear that the teacher might have put 'traps' somehow in the questions where, even if I saw some answers as correct they may not be so.
I revised it and changed some of the of my answers in fear that there was maybe some 'traps' that I didn't consider. In wanting to check too much the exam I got all the questions erased because my user within the system got logged off while I was still doing the test. Because the exam was multiple choice on a computer, the teacher said that I had to restart the test but there was only less than 10 minutes left on the test time counter. I was shocked at his request because suddenly I had to answer 48 answers that took me more than an hour in less than 10 minutes. Clearly I did not have enough time - so I reacted saying that I could not get to the last question in that time but still, the teacher said to do it. So I did ran through the questions but time ran out at about the middle of the test, and then the teacher said that I could restart it all again once more, and this time I had more time -  lol

What happened for this to manifest? First of all when the teacher first spoke about inconsistencies of the computers with the test I asked for a paper test that he had offered. But he said to wait a bit more while the computer was loading - so I started doing it on the computer. I should have insisted on the paper because clearly I have to walk on solid ground with my tests and not take risks. I see here I am blaming the teacher for my experience and that it is not valid because I accepted to do it in the computer despite knowing and having been warned of the risks/events in where someone had to repeat the test. The teacher said that if I did the test on paper it would take a while before he corrected it and instead of trusting myself that I don't need to know at the moment the marks - I agreed to proceed with the computer test. Also I feared him not 'liking me' if I insisted on the paper test as it adds workload. Everyone was doing the test in the computer so I saw myself as 'watering down the party' if I was going to do it on paper. Not wanting to be noticed.

Then the fear: All or most of the changes I made in the exam were in self-doubt and in fear, it was not commonsensical to change a response that I had triple-checked because of a fear that the exam has traps. In doing that I was in fact going against myself, because I had said to myself that I would not re-do the answers when I decide on them in the test. If I had considered it may have traps I should have assessed again all the answers within a question and take a decision, not simply want to change my response from the one I saw as obvious or the one that was correct to another choice that I had left unchecked, because I was doing that in a BELIEF that there were traps and that all answers I saw as 'obvious/right' might not be the ones that are correct. 

The consequences of wanting to try and 'beat the system' by looking within the exam for concepts that are correct in order to answer new questions within the test lead me to consume some time more than necessary and it added up to the point were that I had to restart the test two times instead of answering the questions and getting the results. When I am doing an exam it's not the time to 'reinvent the wheel' but to get it done as effectively as possible and on time. If I see that if I am finishing the last one - by a difference - it means that I have to check if I am participating in some sort of backchat and not being here effectively - because if I did not know some questions I could have left it 'blank' and finish the exam in time with all the others.

Why did I judge as relevant that most were getting low marks? The way I reacted to others getting low marks comes from the definitions of 'difficult' wherein I believe I can trust or use as a reference someone's view of a subject through judgement like 'it's very difficult,' and would also even ask for someone's opinions in that matter asking if that or that subject is difficult/they found it difficult instead of seeing that I can't rely on someone judging something as difficulty within studies because it generally is an excuse to blame something outside of oneself when not having studied effectively, to not have to change oneself but blame the subject or teacher for the results self manifested instead of taking self responsibility and correct oneself.

 
To be Continued