Day 133: Giving 100%

A moment ago I did a live video on facebook about why I am commited to give 100% and now it feels like I am empty inside - which is different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being empty as difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to want to feel energy moving inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am not energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop because 'I am not feeling anything'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am still Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not see, realise and understand that feelings don't matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my inner experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that experience may not be real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I cannot stop for a feeling or lack of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not see that I have to walk despite of everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a motivation to move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not see that I can move myself by principle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a reward for standing up for Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not see that in fact it might feel worse to stand up for Life, meaning, uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up because 'I don't feel anything'

I commit myself to remind myself I have to walk no matter what

I commit myself to support my physical body

I commit myself to remind myself to breathe

I commit myself to walk no matter what.

Day 130: Shame of the Past

Yesterday a friend wanted to watch a movie about USA's punk rockers that did a bunch of drugs, this is not exactly my past but I resonated a bit with at times wanting to get away and party too much, and I was not proud, how could I have been so foolish? Now I relish any time I have left from work to apply myself, to better myself to self-perfect -- but I realize it is a process and now I can say I can close that door for good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in partying too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost say 'fuck you' to the system and do whatever I want to do in terms of partying

I forgive myself that I  have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time partying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the self-sabotage in partying too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe partying hard is cool

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to party hard

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that 'partying hard' is self-application in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that partying hard is yet another form of distraction from self-application in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that no matter how good the party is, there is no party until all can party

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have not to judge me for having partied, but simply to realize to not repeat the past mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that me believing I am not ready for change is simply another excuse to not have to stand up for myself and change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am ready for change, and have been for a while, but I simply didn't give myself permission to do it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can stop whatever it is that is a distraction in a single moment

I commit myself to remind myself that I allow myself to change

I commit myself to remind myself that I am ready to change

I commit myself to remind myself partying hard is in fact dangerous

I commit myself to remind myself that I have to be responsible for myself and for All

I commit myself to remind myself that doing whatever it is other than all that I can to change self and the system is in fact self-sabotage.

Day 126: Stability as Matter

Lately I have allowed myself to have mood swings without realising that I am Matter - and that's what matters - Stability as Matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape this reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct my reality as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate standing up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am here no matter what goes on in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that most that happens in my mind is bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand that it is not important what goes on in the mind in terms of giving it importance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to believe that I am my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I am more than my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to celebrate that I am here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that no matter what, I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that no matter what goes up in my head I remain here stable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realise and understand the stability in matter.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am mood swings.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that no matter what I am still here stable infinitely.

Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 107: The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live by the following principles:


1. Realising and living my utmost potential

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment  and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 104: The Old Self Must Go

To 'Burn my old self' - As it is Not Real in the first place.

My 'old self' are all the patterns/behaviours that I participate in that do not take into consideration me as a responsible human being nor take into consideration all other life. I've seen how, I have kept repeating the same mistakes/behaviours that are not assisting or allowing myself to expand myself in my responsibility to care for all life - including myself in the first place. It takes a process of 7 to 14 years to de-construct the old self - which is why I am writing this blog as a proof and written record of what I am doing that can also assist others in their respective Journey to Life because essentially we are all the same - yet with different points that we are walking/ in different life experiences on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that unless I stop and change myself, I will continue to live and do as my old self/ as I did in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on stopping my old self with the tools at my disposition by judging it as 'too much'. Within this - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that because I have created and accepted and allowed myself to become who I am at the moment = I can also take it apart, delete the old self and build up myself again in self-integrity.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the common sense that unless I stop myself in every moment = I am allowing my old self to continue.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate what/who I have become - in fear of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that unless I investigate who/what I have become = I am powerless to change me.

Whenever I see that I am about to participate/am participating in patterns of my old self and not direct myself effectively in common sense, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to stop myself in every moment because my old self will not simply go away by itself, I have to stop it because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in it until now.

Whenever I see that I am judging myself/judging 'my old self' - I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is not to take it personally but to understand, forgive, and let go of the points. I realize that what/who I have become won't be pretty/a nice thing to witness - yet dealing with it and stopping it is the best thing to do because after I am done with it - it will no longer exist - and life can be born from the physical.

I commit myself to put it my all into walking my process of change.

I commit myself to apply myself in doing all the neccessary actions to stop my old self within the realization that 'I remain' and only what is not real can ever go away/disappear.

I commit myself to continue walking until my old self no longer exists.


To be continued in the next post

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Day 74: The Elephant in the Room of Me

Self Forgiveness on turning a blind eye to the obvious causes and beliefs that keep me unchanged and therefore Evil in a world that is Evil - where no Life is honoured, but Abused in every way - As shown daily in the news if one dare to look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I don't really know what it means to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend who I am by denying myself to walk in common sense what is obvious of what I must do to correct myself from self interest to what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately decide every time to not do that which I see is supportive for myself - and instead walk the way of self sabotage and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live that which I see in common sense I have to do - and instead project it into others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living a life of self interest have Any Value at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value experience as energy highs and lows instead of realizing that I am stability here as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid to face the relationships in my world that I participate in to keep hooked on self interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't have to stone myself into oblivion but that I can instead support myself to stand up for myself - to serve Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to go back to behaviours that
I use in order to participate in guilt, shame and more emotions -- all to not stand up for myself, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself by acting in ways that are detrimental and not supportive of me - to not stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'making others feel sorry for me' is acceptable to get attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself attention - and want others to 'attend' my every need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - within wanting others to attend my every need - justificate the existence of slaves - all so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself.


To continue in the next post...

Day 62: Self-Traps

First of all, apologies for having missed so many days. Today I went to the terrace of the building where I live and forgot to put the door locked in a way that it won't close once I am out, so I was locked in the terrace because I forgot to do that. In a moment, the door was shut and I was out - and had to call a neighbour to open the door to get out. This reminded me that I can become 'fucked up by my own design/creation' where I find myself in a position that I 'wasn't intending to happen' but happened - in this case by a distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss so many days of writting and supporting myself with self forgiveness, not supporting myself in doing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself in not supporting myself daily effectively - giving up self responsibility and creating unnecesary consequence for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself through not honouring myself in supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I must act in ways to support myself to take responsibility for myself becuse unless I do it noone will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trick and deceive myself into giving up instead of finding ways to take on the tasks to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see and know how I will be doing in the future instead of working day by day in ways that are proven to be self supportive like daily writting and self forgiveness as in the course desteni I process and journey to life blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as 'normal' to not take responsibility for myself - instead of seeing the common sense that it is unacceptable and will only lead to undesired consequence and pain and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself and all others in not supporting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the opportunity that I have with the support available in Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe 'resistance' to act in ways that are proven self supportive such as writing and self forgiveness and practical application as described by Desteni - is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that self interest is not a way but a trap in the belief that there is free choice to not act in ways that are Best for All which is taking responsibility for oneself unconditionally and expand to the world from this, to solve the current problems faced on Earth such as porverty, starvation, war and other abuse going on daily.

I commit myself to unconditionally walk the tools proven to be effective in self-change in taking responsibility for my accepted and allowed limitations such as procrastination, lazyness and the giving up of self-responsibility that goes along with living on Earth.

An invitation to support yourself from self limitation to self-discovery:

Desteni Website, join the forum at http://forum.desteni.org/
Free Online Course Desteni I Process Lite, guided by a buddy at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/