Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 110: No One Can Stop Me But Myself

Continuing on Day109: Back to Busy-ness, I will expand doing self forgiveness on the following realization: I cannot give up on myself because I have no one else to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by not writing the blogs whenever I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself whenever I use excuses to not direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself whenever I don’t believe in myself/trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself by not writing about whatever it is that ‘is bothering me’ at the end of my day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself through writing blogs consistently every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to write a blog every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake when writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when I fear to make a mistake writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my words, written or spoken.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself to go out of my comfort zone and do the very things that I resist doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is comfort in procrastination and inactiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that no one can prevent me from writing but myself.

Whenever I see that I am dwelling in the perceived comfort of procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the experience is not real, but an energy-stimulated experience that is irrelevant to anything real – thus I commit myself to immediately move myself to snap out of the ‘comfort zone’ and instead go into the ‘challenging zone’ where I move past my own perceived limitations.

Whenever I see that I am giving up on myself by not directing myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that every breath counts, so I must make the most of it. I commit myself to utilize my time on earth to my utmost potential within each and every breath.

Whenever I see that I put up excuses to not write a blog in a day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that using excuses reveals that I am not being self-honest. I commit myself to whenever I see I am making up excuses, evaluate in self-honesty whether I can practically in space-time write a blog or not and act accordingly.

Whenever I see that I doubt myself when writing or when I am about to write a blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have no other way but to trust myself that I can write an acceptable blog. I commit myself to trust myself in writing daily.

Day 94: Stars Aligned - Start a Line

Today has been quite a 'ride' because I have both passed the course of Environmental Chemistry that I have been doing the past few years and also have decided to start at university Agricultural Engineering. This is some self-forgiveness on jumpiness/overexcitement - lol - and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I give or receive 'good news'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition for having passed at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk not passing at my studies by studying at the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have passed, somehow I have won.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the point of having passed, instead of seeing that it is merely an opportunity to keep walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I rejoice/indulge too much in the experience of having passed that I forget to apply myself effectively in continuing my studies at university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I go into 'shock' somehow and forget to direct myself effectively in my reality now that I have passed at my studies.

Whenever I see that I am not here as breath when communicating with others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my point of stability is within breathing.

I commit myself to remain within self-stability by applying myself within breathing.

Whenever I see that I want recongizion from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can give to myself recognition, so I investigate where it is that I don't recognize myself.

I commit myself to investigate the instances where I want to obtain recognition form others, to give to myself that which I place out there, outside of myself.

Whenever I see that I participate in procrastination within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that procrastination will lead to consequence, therefore I stop and direct myself in common sense.

I commit myself to direct me in my reality within common sense as what is Best for All.

Whenever I see that I am participating in 'positive' energy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that positive experiences as energy are a polarity of negative. Both are not real.

I commit myself to breathe through the positive experiences, and investigate them in writing to ground myself so that I don't fool myself within energy delusions.

Whenever I see that I become obsessed about the past of having passed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, both for what was a 'good experience' and what was a 'bad experience' according to me - and thus only have what is here to work with. Within this, I commit myself to remain here as breath, directing myself within physical stability in common sense and practicality.

Whenever I see that I fear over-rejoicing for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is cool to celebrate, although I must keep walking within common sense, to not unnecessarily distract myself from what is here to do in every moment to live effectively.

I commit myself to consider in every moment what it is that I am participating in, to make sure that I am grounded here as physical breathe and not somewhere up there in my mind as energy - then I don't have to fear, because I make sure that I am Here with me in this physical reality.

Whenever I see that I fear that I go into shock for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility to remain Here as breath in every moment, that this will assist me greatly, so I apply myself within it and see that I am Here. 

Day 88: Falling for Grades

I've noticed how I take what I do personally within my studies - and this has led to resisting studying. I believed it was a valid system to determine my self-worth and capabilities if I put my effort and time to do it properly - so I never did, in fear that I'd find out that I am useless. Seeing the education system as valid to determine one's worth is a very far-fetched idea given the true nature of the current education system: See this speech by Noam Chomsky and This Blog by Anna Brix for  perspective on the education system problems -and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studies are a way of mesuring my intellectual potiential/my capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I prepare for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I can't do it, that I am sunt, limited, not able to study adequately and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exams and exam resutls define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie that the school system tells who is valid and who is not through the grades that one gets in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the school system and exams are a valid way for me to determine if I am worth it and capable of studying effectively or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to 'find out' that I am not 'worth it' not 'capable of studying' and 'worthless' if it happens that I put my effort in studying and then don't get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school system as valid in assessiong self-worth and human capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the school and education system of telling me who I am and what I am capable of doing through its evaluation system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tests and exams as they exist in the education system currently are in any way valid and capable of assessing self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to find out through participating in exams within the education system = that I am not capable of making it and 'limited' and 'not able to do more'- not good enough  - If I study for an exam adequately and then get bad grades.

Whenever I see that I am taking my participation within the education system personally, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the basis for the education system is not to support growth and expansion of individuals so that they may reach their utmost potential, it is to see and select the compliant and obedient individuals through imposing mindless repetitive uninteresting tasks to do and see who can get the most of it 'in' and 'parrot it out' at exams. I realize that if it happens that I study for an exam and then fail it, it doesn't mean that I am inferior, not good enough or incapable of studying, it simply means that I have to perfect the skills required to pass the exam.

Whenever I see that I resist studying for an exam, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the exam results are not an inticative of my limitation other than my current hability to memorize and study in the format that it requires to pass the exam . I see that that getting low grades are not an indicative that I am doomed or unable to study.

I commit myself to study even at the risk of getting bad grades, within the realization that if it were to happen I would not have to take it personally because an exam does not determine who I am.

Day 78: Well-Educated Character

"Prevention is ALWAYS the Best Cure" – Bernard Poolman

Problem
Wanting to appear/look like I am well-educated.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately talk in ways to project an image of myself of being well-educated and smart. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an image of myself more than my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me as dumb/failure and within this try to show the opposite by showing a façade/face of being polite/well educated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being articulate and showing knowledge on many topics means that I am superior and better. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge is important/valuable without considering who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will 'loose face' and be considered inferior if I 'slip' and make mistakes in a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that educated people are better than uneducated people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to 'prove' that I am not uneducated by opening a 'peacock tail' of knowledge within a conversation - within the fear of being considered inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will like me more if I am smart - and will like me less and be marginalized if I they believe I am stupid. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as smart and sharp, in separation of myself.

Whenever I see that I am trying to appear/look like I am well-educated and smart, I stop and breathe. I realize that knowledge without application is useless, that I am not more to KNOW something. We are all Equals as Life - there is not an animal that is more of Life than another one. Difference of humans based on knowledge is an illusion.

Reward
Not having to pretend being smart/talk in a way to be considered smart, being at ease while in the company of others, enjoying them for who they are without being busy in advertising what I know.
 
To be continued...

Day 60: Perception-Conception Self-Sabotage

by Mark Tyrrell

Some mornings this week I have faced moments where I was having to do school work and instead I of putting myself to work I have returned to the bed to hide in sleeping. This is unacceptable and obviously impractical because that which I am trying to hide from will compound and become more difficult to direct. Doing things in the moment is always easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from doing the tasks for school in sleeping – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I cannot avoid taking responsibility for myself – if I am to continue with my education I'll have to face the point that I am trying to run away from = but in hiding in sleeping I am wasting time and thus having to do the tasks later on with reduced time and will be even more difficult for me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the resistance to do school work by sleeping = in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by sleeping when I have to do school work- so that I don't change, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a situation where I have little time left to study = so that I can justify failing at school and not take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am trying to hide from myself in sleeping to momentarily not do school work = I breathe, I remind myself that by sleeping I am doing it more difficult for myself and I direct myself to do school work effectively practically Here as breath.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am resisting doing school work, breathe and take one step at a time, but not give up walking the point.

Am I not good enough?

This is the question that arised this afternoon that I had pain in my pinky finger of the left hand - which If I remember well is about perception.

Within this I saw that maybe one of the dimensions where I fail myself in not putting myself to work on school every day consistently but tend to give up some days of the week, is that perception of myself not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough to make it through school - in self interest to not have to apply myself within school and instead dwell in self pity - to not have to stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with a task that I see will require time and effort = 'bail out' and run away utilizing the excuse that I am not capable or good enough to make the task well - using this as a justification and excuse in self interest to not walk self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do the tasks at school and the studying accurately and in-depth when I am able to do it - so that I render myself defective at school = to fail and then have an excuse based on Experience that apparently I am not good enough - when it has been a self-engineered deception in self interest to create an excuse to not stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in order to not take on my education effectively and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I will not make it and that I am not good enough with school even though I have not actually put myself to the test in doing school properly- in self interest to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize instant/automatic excuses such as 'I am not good enough' give up and and not put myself to work but instead = participate in Laziness and Procrastination.

I see, realize and understand that 'bailing out' in 'running away' from my education is impossible as I will have to face education in order to live in this world effectively in terms of money and global change required within an Equal Money System - thus I commit myself to whenever I see that I am about to give up with excuses such as 'I am not good enough' I stop then, breathe and remind myself that this is a Belief if I see in self honesty in the past where I utilized the same excuses to not do school work and then failed - thus = I instead stop repeating the past by working effectively step by step the tasks I have to do to be effective at school.

Day 55: A whiny Rich guy

Today I have watched some documentaries where the main theme was poverty and how this affects society and individuals. So here I am seeing lives that are either wrecked through participation in addictions such as Uganda's alcohol problems or slum-dwellers being denied land to live in corrupt development plans in India. After the documentary I was hungry so I went to eat a piece of meat and then it struck me the obvious - that I am rich. Not the rich as in being rich in comparing myself with high-income 'first world' high class citizens but in having all my needs more than covered, a very good education at the reach of my hand, internet, computer, healthcare and a long list of comforts and amenities that more than half of the population of the world can only dream of. And here I am complaining daily of irrelevant points! Come on!

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the situation I am living for what it is: A place of extreme ease that I can utilize to sort out my internal and external realities and change and stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor myself within the situation that I find myself living in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of utilizing the opportunity I have to make something of myself = complain and slack off in my application to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time daily on entertaining myself to not have to put the points together to change myself, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in a position where I win without considering everyone that is daily losing in all their realities - leading to a miserable life and existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I could be living in a position of poverty and that then I'd like that those that can do something to change the system do it so All can have a dignified life.

I commit myself to honour myself as the opportunity that I have been given = to stop and change myself - within the realization that I have no excuses to not do that as it is in a silver platter for me to do it.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am complaining, bitching or wasting time - stop, see the self interest selfishness within it and correct myself immediately in putting myself to work for myself as All.

Self-change tools available for Free:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/
World-Change for All to have the same opportunity to self-change:
http://equalmoney.org

Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

We did a multiple-choice test that gave the results of the exam immediately. When I was doing it I thought of, and even said to the teacher,  how it is possible to utilize the exam's questions to solve other questions within the exam. I got excited when seeing that and distracted myself from being Here doing the exam. After a while when I was still doing it, I heard how most of the class were not passing the exam and I went into fear that the teacher might have put 'traps' somehow in the questions where, even if I saw some answers as correct they may not be so.
I revised it and changed some of the of my answers in fear that there was maybe some 'traps' that I didn't consider. In wanting to check too much the exam I got all the questions erased because my user within the system got logged off while I was still doing the test. Because the exam was multiple choice on a computer, the teacher said that I had to restart the test but there was only less than 10 minutes left on the test time counter. I was shocked at his request because suddenly I had to answer 48 answers that took me more than an hour in less than 10 minutes. Clearly I did not have enough time - so I reacted saying that I could not get to the last question in that time but still, the teacher said to do it. So I did ran through the questions but time ran out at about the middle of the test, and then the teacher said that I could restart it all again once more, and this time I had more time -  lol

What happened for this to manifest? First of all when the teacher first spoke about inconsistencies of the computers with the test I asked for a paper test that he had offered. But he said to wait a bit more while the computer was loading - so I started doing it on the computer. I should have insisted on the paper because clearly I have to walk on solid ground with my tests and not take risks. I see here I am blaming the teacher for my experience and that it is not valid because I accepted to do it in the computer despite knowing and having been warned of the risks/events in where someone had to repeat the test. The teacher said that if I did the test on paper it would take a while before he corrected it and instead of trusting myself that I don't need to know at the moment the marks - I agreed to proceed with the computer test. Also I feared him not 'liking me' if I insisted on the paper test as it adds workload. Everyone was doing the test in the computer so I saw myself as 'watering down the party' if I was going to do it on paper. Not wanting to be noticed.

Then the fear: All or most of the changes I made in the exam were in self-doubt and in fear, it was not commonsensical to change a response that I had triple-checked because of a fear that the exam has traps. In doing that I was in fact going against myself, because I had said to myself that I would not re-do the answers when I decide on them in the test. If I had considered it may have traps I should have assessed again all the answers within a question and take a decision, not simply want to change my response from the one I saw as obvious or the one that was correct to another choice that I had left unchecked, because I was doing that in a BELIEF that there were traps and that all answers I saw as 'obvious/right' might not be the ones that are correct. 

The consequences of wanting to try and 'beat the system' by looking within the exam for concepts that are correct in order to answer new questions within the test lead me to consume some time more than necessary and it added up to the point were that I had to restart the test two times instead of answering the questions and getting the results. When I am doing an exam it's not the time to 'reinvent the wheel' but to get it done as effectively as possible and on time. If I see that if I am finishing the last one - by a difference - it means that I have to check if I am participating in some sort of backchat and not being here effectively - because if I did not know some questions I could have left it 'blank' and finish the exam in time with all the others.

Why did I judge as relevant that most were getting low marks? The way I reacted to others getting low marks comes from the definitions of 'difficult' wherein I believe I can trust or use as a reference someone's view of a subject through judgement like 'it's very difficult,' and would also even ask for someone's opinions in that matter asking if that or that subject is difficult/they found it difficult instead of seeing that I can't rely on someone judging something as difficulty within studies because it generally is an excuse to blame something outside of oneself when not having studied effectively, to not have to change oneself but blame the subject or teacher for the results self manifested instead of taking self responsibility and correct oneself.

 
To be Continued