Day 88: Falling for Grades

I've noticed how I take what I do personally within my studies - and this has led to resisting studying. I believed it was a valid system to determine my self-worth and capabilities if I put my effort and time to do it properly - so I never did, in fear that I'd find out that I am useless. Seeing the education system as valid to determine one's worth is a very far-fetched idea given the true nature of the current education system: See this speech by Noam Chomsky and This Blog by Anna Brix for  perspective on the education system problems -and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studies are a way of mesuring my intellectual potiential/my capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I prepare for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I can't do it, that I am sunt, limited, not able to study adequately and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exams and exam resutls define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie that the school system tells who is valid and who is not through the grades that one gets in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the school system and exams are a valid way for me to determine if I am worth it and capable of studying effectively or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to 'find out' that I am not 'worth it' not 'capable of studying' and 'worthless' if it happens that I put my effort in studying and then don't get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school system as valid in assessiong self-worth and human capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the school and education system of telling me who I am and what I am capable of doing through its evaluation system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tests and exams as they exist in the education system currently are in any way valid and capable of assessing self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to find out through participating in exams within the education system = that I am not capable of making it and 'limited' and 'not able to do more'- not good enough  - If I study for an exam adequately and then get bad grades.

Whenever I see that I am taking my participation within the education system personally, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the basis for the education system is not to support growth and expansion of individuals so that they may reach their utmost potential, it is to see and select the compliant and obedient individuals through imposing mindless repetitive uninteresting tasks to do and see who can get the most of it 'in' and 'parrot it out' at exams. I realize that if it happens that I study for an exam and then fail it, it doesn't mean that I am inferior, not good enough or incapable of studying, it simply means that I have to perfect the skills required to pass the exam.

Whenever I see that I resist studying for an exam, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the exam results are not an inticative of my limitation other than my current hability to memorize and study in the format that it requires to pass the exam . I see that that getting low grades are not an indicative that I am doomed or unable to study.

I commit myself to study even at the risk of getting bad grades, within the realization that if it were to happen I would not have to take it personally because an exam does not determine who I am.

Day 87: Studying Mill

Due to not having studied and then failing at exams, I have to go to exams comprising trimester's worth of matter of many subjects. I have been offered a small three-afternoon-only job for three and I have declined it after saying yes at first, due to the time-constriction that I find myself at this point. The fear of failing the exam is big, and I see it as not worth it to risk failing an entire course. It would be best if I could manage both, but I don't know that I can do it - so best to not risk my future prospects and study as much as I can, even if I resist the idea of immersing mysef in studying intensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in being able to discipline myself into studying every day as much as I can so that I give myself the best opportunity to pass the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I 'entertain' myself in working a small job = I will fail the exams due to not having studied enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad' for not taking a work offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able to do this job and also pass the exams, and from this be disposed to risk my exams by accepting the job, instead of seeing that I have no way of knowing if I am able to do both things because I have not yet put myself to study and don't know how much time will it take for me to know the subjects effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior if I don't take the job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give an image of 'being capable' of managing many things/being capable of doing many things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to commit myself to study - but be ready to work for someone else for money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself seriosuly within my studies in self-discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying in a good rythm/pace if I have all the time of the day for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying effectively if all I have to do is study by myself for three weeks.

Whenever I see that I fear not being able to study effectively within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the one that determine what I do within my studies, that I am the one that have to push me to study effectively and that I can know how I am doing it by asking myself and seeing the proof within the material that I am studying and by testing myself to check if I know the stuff or not.

I commit myself to review myself every day to see how I am progressing and if I am studying effectively or I need to change something.

Whenever I see that I fear failing the exams, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is stupid to fear an exam, that I simply have to study and prepare myself so that I can pass them effectively.

Whenever I see that I want to escape having to study, I stop and I breathe, I realize that I cannot escape from me, that I will have to inevitably face the point of education wether now or in the future, and that I better do it now and stop wasting my time. I realize that if I don't do give it my all in the exams I will not come out of it in integrity - and all kinds of side effects that can be prevented will instead come back haunting me - by my own acceptance and allowance.

I commit myself to giving it my all to pass the exams. I commit myself to utilize time effectively.

I commit myself to take responsibility for the outcome of the exams, as it is determined by me and what I do and 'no one else'.

Day 86: Don't Fall for Excuses and Justifications

There has been a month or so that I have not written here, now that I look at it I see there is really no excuse not to write, because I can see the time-allocations that were many where I could have written. This is then about discipline and this includes not letting me avoid responsibilities with using excuses. 

One of the excuses was that I had to study first and then I would write afterwards - I have then manipulated myself into not doing studying or writing, wich is absolutely not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not write the blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid studying and use this as an excuse to also not write the blog - without seeing that I can write my blog about why I am not studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do my responsibilities instead of pushing myself within self-discipline to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize conditions to write a blog - instead of doing it wherever in the day it is possible for me to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities with the blog and studies despite seeing what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to respect myself within directing myself in doing my responsibilities of blogging and studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all the days that I don't write I am sabotaging myself instead of assisting myself.

Whenever I see that excuses are coming up to not write the daily blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that not writing is self-sabotage and that I can choose this compromise or to support me.

I commit myself to write every day.

Whenever I see that I am not studying when I should do it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and that deliberately not doing it is self-dishonest.

I commit myself to study every day.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that now that I am aware of my self-dishonesty I can change it and direct myself within discipline and support myself instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not taking responsibility for myself during my day = to change in the moment to do the task that is required.

Day 85: True Positivity (Part Two)

Here I will start applying the Self Forgiveness and Corrective Statements and Commitments on the previous day writing Day 84: True Positivity.

'How many times have I given up, decided that my circumstances were more than what I could handle'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to participate in excuses to not stand up for myself and do the required work.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide that I can not handle my situation, without investigating and structuring my day and tasks in a feasible doable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of what I can do and what I can't do without investigating what it is that I can do and how is it best that I do it for maximum effectiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do things instead of organizing myself practically and do stuff step by step.

Whenever I see that I make up excuses within myself to not take responsibility for myself and my world - I stop and I breathe - I realize in self honesty that I can investigate and then do what is relevant because if I 'give up' all I do then is entertain myself so, instead, I can invest the time in doing what is relevant. I commit myself to whenever I see I put excuses to not do what is relevant, stop myself and redirect myself to utilize the time to do what is important, seeing practically what I can do so that I am effective in taking responsibility for all of myself.

'I realize in looking at my situation that I have been given everything and i have given so little. Education, money, support -- all is in vain -- it is not what one has been given but what one does with it.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the support I have been given and that is available to me, starting from myself and my talents and habilities and also all the support that I can get and am getting from my world - to which I have to honor equally within the principle of giving and recieving.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to equalize myself in utilizing the support that I am given so that I am in turn I am able to also give equally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the opportunities that I have in terms of my position in this world so that I can have a positive effect within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to walk within the Principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself and others' support for granted, instead of utilizing it to support myself and support others eventually/as I am able to.

Whenever I see that I am not utilizing what is available of support for myself - I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am in a privileged position that I should really consider in taking the opportunities available to me to stand up for myself unconditionally in seeing the responsibility that comes along with having all the support that I have, to give to all others what I already have so that All can be supported equally eventually and that
If I do not do this, I will live in shame. I commit myself to stand up for myself utilizing all that I can and have to transform myself to a better/best version of myself, for me and for All Life on Earth.

To be continued in the next post.

Day 84: True Positivity

"push yourself as far as you can go and then go beyond it--as the as far as you can go is the limit of your program --te point where you can go no more--the belief that defines you that must be eradicated" --- The Essence of Walking the Journey from Consciousness to Life by Bernard Poolman

How many times have I given up, decided that my circumstances were more than what I could handle. Yet I realize in looking at my situation that I have been given everything and i have given so little. Education, money, support -- all is in vain -- it is not what one has been given but what one does with it. And there will be many excuses and experiences, like a heaviness that comes up as I am writing this, that tries to drag me to inaction and then I see: It is this negativity of not putting all that I have on stake to do what it relevant. I have nothing to lose. As of late I have had this experience of anxiety of wanting to have a good experience a good moment/feeling, but it is a trap, because the 'best experience' of all would be to put my efforts to the joint effort of those that dare to put it all at stake to create a world that is the best possible for All Life on Earth.

Either this or the illusion of limitation of creating my 'own drama' of excuses and reasons and blame - all the while disregarding and trowing away the opportunities that do exist in my circumstances -- so after all I sould not consider myself as positive if I only look for the negatives in my world to then give up and not do my best to support myself to stand up for myself and for All. The phrase 'where there is a will there is a way' makes much sense and pushing myslef to go as far as I can go and beyond is truly a worthwile effort to take on: The true positivity.

Investigate:
Desteni
Equal Money

Day 83: Imaginary Limits

I was reading an interview where I saw a being being effective in their world, standing up for herself and while I was reading I noticed a heaviness in my lower back and legs, an increased awareness of that area and it reminded me of the paralyisis where the lower back and legs are paralised. And I can relate this to self imposed limitation that I have believed to be real, where I don't give myself the chance to stand up for myself and instead accept to let all opportunities pass - as if I can't walk/take them on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't be directive in my world at all times.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to give myself the opportunity to walk what I see is that I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't be effective in everything I see I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to render myself useless by not standing up for myself and taking the opportunities that I have with me in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better than me and that I can't do what others can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be special by seemingly being unable to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get attention from being ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself attention and want others to give it to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust in my capabilities to direct and be successful in the tasks that I set myself to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the time to do the tasks that I have to do - no matter what, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare to do the tasks that are important/relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for distraction and satisfaction in order to forget that I am not standing up for myself - instead of standing up for myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing if I stand up for myself within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realise that not standing up for myself is the failure - not not being succesful when doing it and having to repeat until I have it done.

Whenever I see that I am lagging behind my responsibilities and not standing up for myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that I have to walk until all is taken care of both within and without - and in this every breath counts.

I commit myself to stand up for myself in every breath, directing what I have to do within effectiveness and discipline.

Whenever I see that I am giving up and stranding myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that it must only be a product of the mind and thus a sickness that I am not standing up for myself - so I stop and redirect myself to stand up for myself, exploring how it is that I stopped to correct it and not allow myself to fall back/fall behind.

I commit myself to investigate all instances where I participate in apathy/isolation and where I give up, to correct it until I stand eternally.

Whenever I see that I am accepting self-limitation, I stop and breathe. I realise that I can't accept anything else than what is best, so in every moment I move to do my best and work to expand it.

I commit myslef to discipline myself to stand in every situation/moment that I face.

I commit myself to take myself and tasks one breath at a time, within patience and perseverance.

Day 82: Double Standard Stranded

Problem

I have observed that I have a double standard when it comes to working and responsibilities. One is very direct, steadfast and effective approach that I take at the internship I am doing. The other is very undiligent and ineffective which is when having to study and review or do other self-study work.


Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsistent in my approach to taking/working/doing responsibilities - instead of expanding myself by using the effective approach I take in one area to all areas/responsibilities within my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I can apply myself in an effective way in one task, I can expand this ability to other tasks in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I can direct myself to be effective in a task is due to the nature of the task instead of realizing that the same effectiveness I can apply to any task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply myself differently depending on what responsibility I am facing - instead of applying myself in integrity by putting the best of my habitily to all my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the way to expand my effectiveness and hability of doing a task is by applying myself doing it to the best of my hability - because then I can see what impediments I have and work on them to be able to do more/better.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I don't apply myself in every task to the best of my hability I will never expand in effectiveness on those tasks - and this is because I know within myself that I am not giving it my all and assume that I can choose to do more if
I want -- but then the day that I really need to be effective I will find that I can do only so much, probably less than I imagined.

Whenever I see that I am avoiding walking responsibilities to the best of my hability, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am deliberately sabotaging myself by choosing to spend more time and have a less quality job made PLUS not being able to become more effective at the task that I am doing - thus I instead opt to apply myself to the best of my hability so that I can, even if it takes more time, expand and discover more of myself in what I am doing.

I commit myself to push myself to do the tasks/responsibilities to the best of my hability - so that I can know where I am and go further from there/expand on them.


Reward

To become more effective in everything I do and within this discover more about myself in it.

Next post will be on Fear of Failure.

Day 81: What's in a Task? (Part Three)

Self-Correction Statements based on the previous posts 'What's in a Task?'. Suggested to read: Part One and Part Two

Whenever I see that I am thinking about doing a task in my mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am sabotaging myself by making the task be 'more' in my mind than what it really is - in order to have an excuse to not do it. I understand that giving up because of thinking that that a task is too much is judging myself without giving myself the opportunity to do the task - as I can only prove to myself that I am able to do something by doing it.

Whenever I see that I am participating in impatience before doing a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am only able to do what I can do in one breath and while in my mind I can see a task done in a moment it does not mean that it is capable of assessing the exact detail of how it will be like to walk every step/process of doing it.

I commit myself to disregard any thoughts of 'how will it be like' to do a task and instead I put myself to do it unconditionally in common sense.

Whenever I see that I am entertaining myself with thoughts of doing a task before doing it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can think of doing a task for however long I want but that it will never get done until I put myself to do it. I understand that it is more practical to invest the time in doing the task instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see myself thinking of doing a task, stop and put myself to work on it immediately, within the realization that it is the only way that it will get it done eventually.

Whenever I see that I am uncomfortable doing a task, I stop and breathe. I understand that I am making it harder for myself if I am thinking and preoccupied in my mind instead of sticking with the physical while doing the task.

I commit myself to whenever I find I am uncomfortable while doing a task = check what it is that I am participating in my mind and stop it by focusing on breathing, the environment that I am in and the physical actions that I am doing - unconditionally.

Whenever I see that I am judging a task as boring/dull/difficult, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am in my mind and not in fact Here as breath that give me Life, and that giving up what is real for the illusion of the judgement thought is not worth it, as I will inevitably have to go back and complete the task at a later time - so I better do it in the moment.

I commit myself to stick to doing a task until completion.

Day 80: What's in a Task? (Part Two)

Here I will apply self forgiveness on the points that I saw in the last post (Day 79: What's in a Task?), related to inflating tasks and responsibilities in my mind in order to avoid doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell in thoughts of me acting out actions in the future such as doing tasks and walking responsibilities without seeing/realising/understanding that thoughts are not real and they do not depict or describe in any way what will it really be to walk the talk of the thinking within my head as thoughts into action - but instead it will probably discourage me from taking action in seeing the task as more than what it really is, a sum of individual physical actions that need to be done one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misguide myself by considering thoughts as important and give them my attention to carefully plan ahead what it is that I have to do - without seeing that it is a mere distraction and prevention from taking action in doing the task in fact, in the flesh Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately set aside and dismiss and not act on my realizations and insights on what it is that I have to do - thereby revoking the gift as opportunity to support myself that I have in that moment - instead of doing it and exploring what happens if I take responsibility for myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately think of all the tasks I have to do to then judge them as too much in self interest so that I don't have to actually get out of my mind and do them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all taks consist of different actions and that in fact I cannot do more than what I can do in one breathe. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in impatience whenever I think of a task getting done in my head before I actually do it - instead of breathing and taking on doing it step by step, breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the physical that is real by judging it as boring/dull/difficult instead of seeing that I can be more effective at doing tasks in the physical by aligning myself to the physical, this is = to remain Here as breathe - being physcially aware of my breathe and my surroundings and what it is that I am doing, noticing the background noise and making sure that I am comfortable within my body by breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself by participating in the mind of thoughts of projections of things that I have to do without seeing, realizing and understanding the purpose of the mind of 'divide and conquer' that happen whenever I am participating in my mind jumping from one thought to the other without ever concreting and obtaining any measurable result that is real.

I'll continue with the Self Corrective Statements in the Next Post.

Art by Andrew Gable

Day 78: Well-Educated Character

"Prevention is ALWAYS the Best Cure" – Bernard Poolman

Problem
Wanting to appear/look like I am well-educated.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately talk in ways to project an image of myself of being well-educated and smart. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an image of myself more than my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me as dumb/failure and within this try to show the opposite by showing a façade/face of being polite/well educated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being articulate and showing knowledge on many topics means that I am superior and better. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge is important/valuable without considering who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will 'loose face' and be considered inferior if I 'slip' and make mistakes in a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that educated people are better than uneducated people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to 'prove' that I am not uneducated by opening a 'peacock tail' of knowledge within a conversation - within the fear of being considered inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will like me more if I am smart - and will like me less and be marginalized if I they believe I am stupid. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as smart and sharp, in separation of myself.

Whenever I see that I am trying to appear/look like I am well-educated and smart, I stop and breathe. I realize that knowledge without application is useless, that I am not more to KNOW something. We are all Equals as Life - there is not an animal that is more of Life than another one. Difference of humans based on knowledge is an illusion.

Reward
Not having to pretend being smart/talk in a way to be considered smart, being at ease while in the company of others, enjoying them for who they are without being busy in advertising what I know.
 
To be continued...

Day 77: Day in Bed - Am I Dead?

Little Bunny Sleeping

Problem
Resting during the day, when I don't necessarily need to rest and not putting the necessary devices such as an alarm to not over-sleep.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself in sleeping during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk me into' sleeping during the day in order to not face tasks/responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to rest during the day to be able to function - instead of seeing that when I sleep too much, I loose time and I am not 'really rested'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put the devices and alarms in place so that I don't oversleep whenever I rest during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to wake up from a 'siesta' even if I put the alarm, believing that 'I will not hear it' and so don't set it up. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not set up the alarm with the excuse that I will rest for only 10 minutes - not preventing myself from oversleeping if I Do fall asleep.

Whenever I see that I am trying to 'talk myself' into going to sleep during the day by using excuses/justifications as to why I should rest, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is the mind that wants to 'disconnect' and that even if do go to sleep, it won't pay off as I will not rest well and will instead waste time - and the heaviness after waking up will still be there.

I commit myself to focus on breathing here whenever I see that I want to go to sleep during the day and instead I commit myself to push myself to walk little steps into doing the task that I want to avoid facing - as I realize it is the only way, that it is inevitable that I face myself.

I commit myself to Prevent the oversleeping during the day by setting up an alarm if I do rest for a during the day - and that I rest for no more than 40 minutes - because otherwise I am still tired/it is not as effective and I waste time.

I commit myself to, whenever I see that I experience the feeling of 'heaviness' or tiredness = see if there is something that I am trying to avoid doing or facing.

I commit myself to walk my responsibilities whenever I 'feel like' sleeping during the day - and then check again if I am 'still' tired - to find out if the tiredness was in fact a protection mechanism for the mind for me not to face myself in my responsibilities and obligations.

Whenever I see that I am physically tired, I stop and breathe. I realize that I will not always be able to rest during the day when I have responsibilities to walk.

I commit myself to remind myself thate there will be moments in where it is impossible for me to rest during the day, such as if I am taking care of a child or similar, where I will not be able to simply walk-off to bed if I am tired.

I commit myself to assist myself and my physical body by being Here as breath when walking my responsibilities within the realization that the body is capable of much more, and that I can only do/grasp this if I am not participating in my mind of excuses and justifications and backchats.

Reward
In not walking off to bed during the day and instead walking my daily tasks and obligations/responsibilities = I am standing up for myself and taking responsibility for myself - thus allowing me to take on more responsibilities and within this = expanding myself within my process.

Going off to sleep during the day for a long  time and/or without needing it = is a betrayal to myself, so with preventing this I will be reverting it into developing self-trust - and it will be a training that will lead to me slowly but surely becoming more effective in dealing with tasks/responsibilities.

Day 76: Self-Assertiveness in Relationships

Problem

'Social anxiety' of 'being in conflict' with relatives/friends for not calling them or congratulating them in special occasions such as birthdays.

Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relatives/friends being angry with me for not calling them on special occasions. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequences - like resentment - from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a better relative/friend if I remember and congratulate them in every 'special occasion' and that they will 'think bad' of me for not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not call/talk to relatives/friends - instead of assessing if I want to mantain the contact or not and decide to call or not. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't call a friend/relative on a 'special date' they will think I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship with 'someone else' outside of myself such as family/friends - instead of having a supportive 'relationship' - as agreement - with myself of supporting myself - and simply stablish clear communication with others as well, one and equal in assertiveness.

Whenever I see I am getting anxious about calling a friend/relative on a special occasion, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not better or worse for calling or not, that it does not mean I don't want to have contact with them for not calling them and that it is up to me if I call or not - and that I have to decide for myself, without paying attention to excuses.

I commit myself to whenever I am faced with calling/congratulating a friend/relative on a 'special occasion' - I assert myself whether I will contact them or not, without making assumptions of what they will think- as this is not something I am in control of.

Reward

Supporting myeslf in being assertive and direct myself in my relationships without participating in unnecessary internal conflict such as fear or guilt. Practising taking decisions about what I want to particpate in in my life. 

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Photography by Marlen V. del Razo

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Day 75: Excuses to Not Write

The Problem

When faced with writing a blog, use the excuse of 'wanting it to be perfect' to then judge what I am writing as insufficient - to give up. It is a simple self-deception to be able to give up that accumulates in a lot of time lost and eroding self-trust, self-direction and self movement - all to not want to take responsibility for myself or to want to hold into some other point of self interest.

Solution

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of 'wanting the blog to be perfect' to judge what I write as 'not perfect'/'Insufficient' to then have an excuse to not write and thus give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give excuses to sabotage myself into not writing - within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself unconditionally in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'give up' on myself by not writing - instead of seeing that I am merely compounding consequence for myself and that I will have to inevitably face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest innecesary consequence for myself by procrastinating/not doing a task into completion - as that makes it harder having to repeat it/start again - and waste time.

Whenever I see I want to not take responsibility for myself and instead cover it up as 'wanting to write a perfect blog', I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is merely the construct of 'wanting to to give up while looking good' and that it may 'feel good' for a moment to procrastinate - but then it doesn't pay as I don't change and still have do it all over again, with the additional difficulty of having failed in the past and knowing I have wasted time.

Reward

To support myself in writing, thus avoiding having to go into innecessary repetitions/time-loops and instead expanding, being able to do more and more effectively, being proud of myself, building self-trust and self-direction one day at a time, one blog at a time. Also, avoid unnecessary guilt/turmoil for not doing what I see I have to do in common sense to support myself - which is a self-manipulation anyway for not standing up for myself and changing.
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Art by Andrew Gable

Day 74: The Elephant in the Room of Me

Self Forgiveness on turning a blind eye to the obvious causes and beliefs that keep me unchanged and therefore Evil in a world that is Evil - where no Life is honoured, but Abused in every way - As shown daily in the news if one dare to look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I don't really know what it means to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend who I am by denying myself to walk in common sense what is obvious of what I must do to correct myself from self interest to what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately decide every time to not do that which I see is supportive for myself - and instead walk the way of self sabotage and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live that which I see in common sense I have to do - and instead project it into others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living a life of self interest have Any Value at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value experience as energy highs and lows instead of realizing that I am stability here as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid to face the relationships in my world that I participate in to keep hooked on self interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't have to stone myself into oblivion but that I can instead support myself to stand up for myself - to serve Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to go back to behaviours that
I use in order to participate in guilt, shame and more emotions -- all to not stand up for myself, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself by acting in ways that are detrimental and not supportive of me - to not stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'making others feel sorry for me' is acceptable to get attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself attention - and want others to 'attend' my every need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - within wanting others to attend my every need - justificate the existence of slaves - all so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself.


To continue in the next post...

Day 73: The Task

Artwork by Maren Vargas Del Razo

The 'giving up before starting' of a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate and postpone on starting doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing at a task - and give up before starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety and stress for not doing the task I have to do - instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of not doing the tasks I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a task as too big and difficult in my mind - and give up without even starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgements and backchats about a task - in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to walk a task in the reactions I get towards it instead of simply doing what I see is best - regardless of the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the resistance real by acting on it by not walking the tasks I have to do that I apparently resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance to do a task exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance towards doing a task is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat towards doing a task - diminishing my drive/will to do it more and more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself and say - till here no further - I will not accept or allow myself to act on the resistance towards doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have created through time the reactions that I experience - thus I am able to stop them and walk them through.

Whenever I see that I resist on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the experience of resistance about the task is not real, that I created it and that I am able to stop it and walk through it.

Whenever I see that I am giving up on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself of the previous instances where I have been able to walk through this resistances and I remind myself that it they are not real.

Whenever I see that I am having judgements/backchat about a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is unacceptable to put myself down by judging the tasks or myself in the task - and so I stop the backchat and continue walking.

Day 72: Reward Systems Misaligned

The problem of allowing oneself to be rewarded by someone else such as parents when we do something -is that then we are enslaved to doing this something in order to be rewarded again by them - so one is in a way controlled by them or/and by the belief that we can only get rewards by doing what we have always done to get a reward. All reward should be in a form of self-satisfaction about the job done - not expectation of approval by others - but this is not easy. Our environment may very easely reinforce bad behaviours, for example giving attention to a child when is behaving in a rebellious way but don't give them attention when they do their responsibilities - and this is a problem: We must ask ourselves what it is that motivates us. We might very easely still be holding onto child rewards with a twist/only slightly changed. For example a child that was given attention in being rebellious = can continue with a life of rebelling and of not wanting to take responsibility because it is a way to get attention that may still work in getting attention. That is a problem again because there, looking at it practically, there is a limit in the ages one can allow oneself to be irresponsible with regards to the practicality of living on Earth, like when parents pay for all of the child expenses -- then suddenly this child is and adult that has to move on and find a job and - oops - the habit of taking responsibility is not established and there it goes another wrecked life or much pain and suffering. That is unnecesary.

What if we don't need external rewards? It should be all about self-responsibility, self-motivation - to be truly free. In this there is work to do because we have been so much conditioned to respond to our environment in order to get attention/reward from it that - over time -behaviours have formed that we can see are not supportive for us or others around us or the world. Behaviours die hard but as Lindsay describes in her blog - that I suggest giving a read - it is all about supporting behaviours that are supportive of ourselves and everyone else living in this planet Earth.

Most of our life, if we investigate our motivations, might very well be a chase for the next blip of attention, the next 'feel good' sensation and that, at the end, amounts to nothing, like a light bulb that shines for so long until it is gone in a moment. If we look at what it is that our current motivations have amounted to = it's a complete disgrace embodied in what we seen all around us and that is displayed daily in the news.

A good motivation to have is to instead of keep chasing external recognition, live in a way that we do not have to die in remorse but in accomplishment - having made sure that all we leave behind is  supportive of what continues to live on Earth, and this IS something real, unlike a 'feel good' sensation - an example would be leaving a world without Poverty, with real Equality.

Before facing the world problems, though, we have to go back to what make us do what we do and correct it - because by continuing doing what we have been doing = nothing will change. And this is because what we are so busy doing is supporting a system that enslaves us to continue living in the world as we see it today - and it is deteriorating further and further.

This blog will continue with analyzing behaviours that are not supportive that reinforce self-enslavement such as apathy and other disfunctional behaviours - and then correcting them and seeing the solution and reward that lays in applying the correction.

Day 71: Getting to Know All Things

With enough time and resources one can research anything and then get to understand something that at first sight seem impossible to descipher.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time on doing activities that are not prioritary in my day before doing what comes first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of doing the things that I have to do by avoiding doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give importance to the things I have to do in a day instead of doing them and moving on.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't really want to be all my life distracting myself to prevent me from doing something I consider I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare to do all the things I see I must be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger for deliberately not doing what I see I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some tasks as difficult - instead of seeing that with enough time and patience much can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent whenever I don't understand something - instead of going into the nitty gritty details of what it is I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough background knowledge on a subject to understand a specific piece of that subject - instead of moving myself to study the subject from the ground up so that I can understand the what is being presented.

Whenever I see that I am reluctant to take on a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the sooner I walk the task - the more time I will have to work on any problems that I may aruse - and thus increase my success rate.

Whenever I see that I resist doing a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that no matter how difficult a point presents itself to be - I can study all of it - and thus I see/realize/understand the point is not the problem but the unwillingness to study it.

Day 70: The Haunting Past

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up an opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there will be one decision or lost opportunity that will make or break me - instead of seeing how the accumulation process works, where it is the daily accumulation of actions that amount to something - either worth or dreadful - or a sour mix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others impeding that I access an opportunity to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to build a successful life.

Whenever I see that I am going into fear of the future I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that the future is built action by action and thus I have to work with what I can have an influence on so that it is the best influence possible - to expand myself.

Whenever I blame someone or something for my experience I stop and breathe. I realize that taking responsibility for creating a future for myself entails taking responsibility for what I have already created for myself in the past - so I walk the correction and stop the reactions as they arise - reminding myself that it is me that created the experience of me.

Day 69: Slowing Down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do many things in little time instead of doing things thorougly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better if I do more things, regardless of the quality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be looked up to for doing a lot of things in little time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go faster in what I do, taking shortcuts and not knowing exactly what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I rush in doing things and finish them sooner = I have done more - instead of realizing that there is no use in finishing doing something if I have not integrated it and made sense of it so that it is of use for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the McDonalization of my life, of wanting to serve and have things delivered fast, regardless of quality or consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to review how I participate within my day to see where I can improve in supporting myself.

Whenever I see I want to rush in doing things, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no use in finishing doing something for the sake of it - but to utilize what I do to support myself - so I slow
down and see how can I support myself in what I am doing.

Whenever I feel anxious about having to do something I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no one but myself that is pressing on me to get something done - so instead I breathe and am gentle with myself in giving myself the time to complete the task as much as possible.

Day 68: If it Mathematically Works, Go For It

Taking decisions in life is not random - usually when faced with a decision we choose one thing or another depending on the accumulated effect of our actions in the past. For example, going to university. One can say that you can either decide to go or not to go but if a student has not accumulated enough skills and obviously has the money for it - then it will be impossible to go through university. Then it is relevant to calculate what will it take to be able do anything in life, in order to be prepared when faced with the decision and be able to stick to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to calculate what it takes to do what I say I want to do, and then introduce this in a schedule to do daily/as necessary.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to carefully plan and establish a daily schedule for myself in order to accumulate that which I need in my life until I have enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not prepare myself for what I say I want to do in order to give up in the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take decisions for myself in the future without preparing myself accordingly for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to walk my decisions instead of working out if it's mathematically feasible considering time and resources.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the basic laws of consequence, cause and effect - and to apply it to the goals I set for myself.

Whenever I see I want to give up I stop and breathe. I understand that to get the outcome necessary I have to input the work - so I put myself to work in the realization that it is always easier the sooner I start and it gets difficult as time passes.

Whenever I see that I go into emotional turmoil/reaction I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is very simple what I have to do: To daily walk that which accumulates to the outcome that I need. All emotional reaction thus is irrelevant and not to give attention to - but solved to walk effectively.

Whenever I see that I am projecting what I will do in the future I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only determine what I do in every moment - So I walk practically to add up to be able to in the future be prepared for what I have to do.

Whenever I see that I want to get something done in a moment I stop and breathe. I realize that it will take an accumulation of daily work for whatever time it takes to accomplish anything - so I calculate an approximate of how much will it take and walk until I get it done.

I see/realize and understand that there is no need to fear the future - because I construct the future with my actions - so I carefully plan my actions to tweak/adjust the outcome and thus in a way direct my future.

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