Day 94: Stars Aligned - Start a Line

Today has been quite a 'ride' because I have both passed the course of Environmental Chemistry that I have been doing the past few years and also have decided to start at university Agricultural Engineering. This is some self-forgiveness on jumpiness/overexcitement - lol - and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I give or receive 'good news'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition for having passed at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk not passing at my studies by studying at the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have passed, somehow I have won.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the point of having passed, instead of seeing that it is merely an opportunity to keep walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I rejoice/indulge too much in the experience of having passed that I forget to apply myself effectively in continuing my studies at university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I go into 'shock' somehow and forget to direct myself effectively in my reality now that I have passed at my studies.

Whenever I see that I am not here as breath when communicating with others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my point of stability is within breathing.

I commit myself to remain within self-stability by applying myself within breathing.

Whenever I see that I want recongizion from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can give to myself recognition, so I investigate where it is that I don't recognize myself.

I commit myself to investigate the instances where I want to obtain recognition form others, to give to myself that which I place out there, outside of myself.

Whenever I see that I participate in procrastination within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that procrastination will lead to consequence, therefore I stop and direct myself in common sense.

I commit myself to direct me in my reality within common sense as what is Best for All.

Whenever I see that I am participating in 'positive' energy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that positive experiences as energy are a polarity of negative. Both are not real.

I commit myself to breathe through the positive experiences, and investigate them in writing to ground myself so that I don't fool myself within energy delusions.

Whenever I see that I become obsessed about the past of having passed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, both for what was a 'good experience' and what was a 'bad experience' according to me - and thus only have what is here to work with. Within this, I commit myself to remain here as breath, directing myself within physical stability in common sense and practicality.

Whenever I see that I fear over-rejoicing for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is cool to celebrate, although I must keep walking within common sense, to not unnecessarily distract myself from what is here to do in every moment to live effectively.

I commit myself to consider in every moment what it is that I am participating in, to make sure that I am grounded here as physical breathe and not somewhere up there in my mind as energy - then I don't have to fear, because I make sure that I am Here with me in this physical reality.

Whenever I see that I fear that I go into shock for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility to remain Here as breath in every moment, that this will assist me greatly, so I apply myself within it and see that I am Here. 

Day 88: Falling for Grades

I've noticed how I take what I do personally within my studies - and this has led to resisting studying. I believed it was a valid system to determine my self-worth and capabilities if I put my effort and time to do it properly - so I never did, in fear that I'd find out that I am useless. Seeing the education system as valid to determine one's worth is a very far-fetched idea given the true nature of the current education system: See this speech by Noam Chomsky and This Blog by Anna Brix for  perspective on the education system problems -and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studies are a way of mesuring my intellectual potiential/my capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I prepare for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I can't do it, that I am sunt, limited, not able to study adequately and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exams and exam resutls define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie that the school system tells who is valid and who is not through the grades that one gets in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the school system and exams are a valid way for me to determine if I am worth it and capable of studying effectively or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to 'find out' that I am not 'worth it' not 'capable of studying' and 'worthless' if it happens that I put my effort in studying and then don't get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school system as valid in assessiong self-worth and human capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the school and education system of telling me who I am and what I am capable of doing through its evaluation system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tests and exams as they exist in the education system currently are in any way valid and capable of assessing self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to find out through participating in exams within the education system = that I am not capable of making it and 'limited' and 'not able to do more'- not good enough  - If I study for an exam adequately and then get bad grades.

Whenever I see that I am taking my participation within the education system personally, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the basis for the education system is not to support growth and expansion of individuals so that they may reach their utmost potential, it is to see and select the compliant and obedient individuals through imposing mindless repetitive uninteresting tasks to do and see who can get the most of it 'in' and 'parrot it out' at exams. I realize that if it happens that I study for an exam and then fail it, it doesn't mean that I am inferior, not good enough or incapable of studying, it simply means that I have to perfect the skills required to pass the exam.

Whenever I see that I resist studying for an exam, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the exam results are not an inticative of my limitation other than my current hability to memorize and study in the format that it requires to pass the exam . I see that that getting low grades are not an indicative that I am doomed or unable to study.

I commit myself to study even at the risk of getting bad grades, within the realization that if it were to happen I would not have to take it personally because an exam does not determine who I am.

Day 58: Let's get Real, this is not Disney

I have a kind of mug from where I drink water, and it's transparent so I had to check if it was full and yes it was, and I was glad because I was thirsty - and I had filled the mug myself previously but I wasn't sure of it. This lead me to the realization that, obviously, I am the creator of my reality. I am the provider of what I have, what I do has a direct impact on what I experience. It's like sometimes I'd like that I'd pass at school or have this or that, but WTF? if I create my reality it is delusional that I desire anything - I simply do what it takes to create that which is practical and then there it is. To create something that is practical for All, this would be to implement an Equal Money System. And for Myself first, well, the first stop/step is that I get an education, which I am currently walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a good education and pass my exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work to get a good education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass my exams instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work on the things I know will support myself with, such as studying, and doing DIP and DIP Lite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a 'miracle' to save myself in making me pass exams and have a good life - out of nothing - not considering the steps required for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good life instead of working for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a job - instead of getting one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have Money instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up writing - instead of seeing it is self-sabotage in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I commit myself to work on the solutions and stop worrying about how I feel - seeing that 'feeling' is just a veil to not see that the answer is to walk in practicality constantly here as Breath.

I commit myself to solve all my problems here in my reality by walking the Solutions that I know I have to walk so that I don't have to desire anything - to then expand into working in solving this Reality's problems.

I commit myself to stop all self-interest in desires to instead work for what is best for me in the context of what is best for all, at all times.

Day 53: The Show Must Go ON

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up and not be able to continue delivering quality work at school and in my life in general in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not 'living up to' the expectations of others that see how 'well' I am doing in my life and at school - in fear that I will be disregarded if I can't deliver/be consistent in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit myself to change myself and push myself in what I do daily because that means giving up self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on in self interest to being defective and irregular in my application - to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by participating in fear of not being able to continue my application in self discipline forever.

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to within self interest participate in fear of 'being in the spotlight' where some see that I am effective in what I do and thus then I am accountable for what I do within them being able to see if I 'hold back' and go back to self-destructing habits of irresponsible behaviour - and thus this forces myself to have to keep pushing myself to continue walking effectively or otherwise I'd be exposed as self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accountability in self interest to not put myself in a place where I am held accountable for what I do because then I'd have to change or be exposed as a fraud and a cheat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I am being held accountable for what I do in every moment of breath as every moment of breath is mathematically measurable within the equation of accumulation as what is Best for All and thus there is no way to escape from this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider as an option not doing what is Best for All - in the delusion that a path of self-interest is ever possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that walking for this one life that I have been given in the path of self interest has no value at all within seeing/realizing and understanding that such a path is not and never was viable in the first place but a test to see who each one is in having been given total free choice where one can do during one life either that which is Best for All or not, which says in fact ,much about who one is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that - in essence - every day is the same within the realization that it is within the repetition of application in various tasks that I get the results necessary for me to live an effective life and that I don't have to expect from me more than doing my best in every moment of breath - which is easier when being here as Breath, and not up there somewhere participating in the mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see that during my day I jump into projections/desires/hopes and or fear of the future = I Stop, breathe and realize I am fear-mongering myself within my mind to terrorize myself in self intersest to not walk commonsensically here in the daily tasks that I have to do - thus I re-align myself as breath and direct myself to walk such tasks effectively.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am 'backing up' and 'avoiding' facing myself in my daily tasks - stop, breathe and push myself to do my best in every moment of breath - within the realization, and reminding myself that not doing my best in every moment in all I do is to hold onto self-interest to not change to a version of me that is trustworthy to Always act in ways that are Best for All.

- Picture Artwork by: Kelly Posey