October 3, 2012

Day 36: Yes Mr. Teacher

I've noticed how I nod my head affirmatively whenever the teacher is speaking and looking at me - even when I don't understand what he's saying! The 'automatic nodding' is also noticed when the teacher says something that is not possible due to a mistake, and then corrects himself - but I've already nodded to that - lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nod affirmatively to the teacher whenever I see he's seeing/looking at me instead of listening and only say yes in any way when I understand what is being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as dumb if I do not get what the teacher is saying directly to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only because the teacher is saying something looking at me it means that I must understand it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher thinking that I am stupid and disregarding me if I don't nod affirmatively with my head as he's speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the classroom population judging me if I interrupt or don't say that I've understood what the teacher is saying to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don't nod my head the teacher will think that I don't understand what he is saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to stop looking at me exclusively and thus nod so that it passes quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the teacher will spend more time speaking to me while the class sees this interaction if I don't nod my head signifying that I've understood what he is saying and thus not looking stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't get what the teacher is speaking directly to me/when he looks at me then I am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to put more attention to what the teacher is saying when he is looking at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to make the class run smoothly and don't hold it back because of me 'not getting it' = I have to nod my head or make the teacher now that I am getting what he's saying even if I am not getting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't get what the teacher is saying I am 'wrong' and it's my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically judge myself when I don't get what the teacher is saying - and then nod the head in fear of being labeled as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to follow what the teacher is saying and simply say yes or no whenever he asks if it makes sense - not worrying about what he thinks of my understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more concerned with how the teacher and the classroom students see me than to listen to what the teacher is saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to project the image of being smart - even to the point of compromising my understanding of what is being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying that I don't understand what the teacher is saying directly to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please the teacher in saying yes to everything he says instead of focusing on the practicality of getting what he's saying - and not saying I do understand something when I don't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher react in anger if and blame towards me if I say I don't get what he's explaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to flatter the teacher by saying yes to everything he explains in fear of what might happen if I don't .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into 'nod' mode whenever the teacher is speaking to me.

I commit myself to whenever the teacher is talking to me/my direction continue listening normally and asking or assenting whenever required.

I commit myself to whenever I don't understand something make a note for myself and resolve it when possible instead of letting know the teacher I get something that I don't.

I commit myself to whenever the teacher is speaking to me  = breathe normally Here and listen to what he's explaining until he asks if I get it - and then ask the questions or say that I get it -- or interrupt him to ask if I can do so and it's best to do it this way in a given moment.

I commit myself to whenever I see the teacher is looking at me = breathe Here and listen to what he is saying without going into my mind of what he or others in the class are thinking about -and to remind myself that they probably are in their own minds or not thinking about me at all.

I understand that I am not the center of attention even if the teacher is looking at me and others in the class are looking at me - and that it does not matter if I don't get what is said -- but it does matter that I understand what is said.

I understand that trying to hold to projecting the idea that I know everything is impractical and also nonsense because I would not be attending classes if I knew everything.

Whenever I see that I am nodding my head at class when the teacher is looking at me I stop, breath normally and listen to what is being said letting the teacher do his explanation and then asking questions that I have.

Whenever I see that I am worrying about what others are thinking of me in the class I stop, breathe and remind myself that it is not practical to be in my mind during a lesson thus I direct myself to continue sticking to breath and following the class normally.





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