Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

During the day I was experiencing myself somehow uneasy. There was this exam scheduled for next week that I was not confident of because I had still not gone through the last assignments of the subject and I have judged them as difficult because it takes time and effort for me to solve them. Well, so instead of putting it more time during the day I wandered off from here to there not doing school work or other work I usually do in my day. Then at night I realize the exam is not scheduled until a week later than I thought and suddenly it's like this weight is no longer here. But it was never here! Yet I allowed myself to compromise myself in not directing myself to take on the subject, because I had judged it as difficult I was absurdly avoiding it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by procrastinating on studying for the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize 'being difficult' as an excuse to not study a subject regularly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that as well as I can accumulate myself to be effective the day of the exam = I can accumulate unsolved material that can make it virtually impossible for me to go through effectively in time so that I can pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate undone homework in having judged it as difficult instead of placing time for me accumulate slowly but surely for me to be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the petrification as fear of an exam that I have not practiced enough - not seeing realizing and understanding that if I study = I still can be scared yet I will be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to only move myself if I don't experience fear - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I will have to go through it if it is here, even though I know it is not real - I have to walk regardless of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put fear as an excuse in self interest to not have to face myself within school.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am 'wandering off'/procrastinating during the day: Stop, write on a paper/screen the tasks I have to do and get them done one by one in distributing time amongst the tasks and remaining here as breath as I do them.

I see, realize and understand that fearing a subject and using this fear as an excuse to not apply myself within it = is not valid.

I commit myself to push myself to get my daily study work done effectively so that I make sure that I am building the structure to pass the exams and not the other way around.