Day 54: Be Nice? Fuck that

Today when I arrived at class the teacher - T - did not reply to my greeting.. As a group we arrived 10 minutes late so he said that it was unacceptable. During the class I played out a reaction to this by not fully listening to what T was saying, not fully participating at times, in some way of absurd 'vengeance'. I see I it is for wanting to be liked by the teacher. 'Succeding' at having T being 'nice' to me is not a measurable practical result that adds within the equation of what is best for all, it has 'no value' in the sense that I do not get the grades based on that - but based on tests and assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to be nice to me in self interest to 'feel good' and feel adequate - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need validation from outside myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good by having the teacher talk to me when I say something - and want to 'rebel against' T when I don't get a 'positive reinforcement' from T - as in T being nice to me - proving myeslf to be an organic robot with a predictable - thus controllable - behaviour in accepting and allowing myself to base my interaction with reality based on feeling and emotion instead of taking responsibility for it and walking in common sense that which is best in every moment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the teacher conditionally - only when T is being nice - not seeing realizing and understanding that in doing that I am completely dependent on something outside of myself to direct myself within school - unacceptable.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my emotion of inadequacy in self interest to not take repsonsibility of my self-created reactions in self-dishonesty i.e. in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to remove myself from the class because of not having been given attention by T - in self interest to not have to take responsibility for my experience of 'feeling bad for having been 'ignored' byT - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had make a mistake by arriving late at class and thus have to correct it, instead of taking in personally when T corrects/adresses a problem like this one.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my behaviour at class depending on how T talks to me and acts in general - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have to do my best at school regardless of the experience I get from my interaction with colleagues or teachers because experience is not to be trusted as I do not know how I create it in the moment I experience it.

I commit myself to whenever someone talks to me - listen to what is being said - and accordingly check within myself if there are reactions and where do I have to place myself according to what is being said.


I commit myself to remind myself that I create my experiences as reactions inside myself and that it is never about the situation or the people invovled, thus within this: I commit myself to whenever I react so something/someone - breathe through and stop all movement initiated by that reaction - to instead walk in self-movement practically.

Day 49: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear - Part 2

Continuing of the last post, see Day 48: Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to other students failing the exam instead of being here as breath doing the exam the best I can.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to exist within me in doing the exam - in not seeing the practicality of walking practically commonsensically Here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself because others are getting low marks in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the teacher is going against me/students in putting traps in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of fear of the teacher putting traps in the exam and react to it by changing all the apparent responses in the exam of which I was not sure.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard and override some of my previous choices in the test in fear that the teacher might have put a very difficult exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that difficult is something that some exams or subjects are and that I am Subject to experience difficulty when there is 'consensus' in a class that some subject or some test is judged as difficult.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the class for saying the exam is difficult when it was me that judged the exam as difficult when learning that most of the class failed the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why the other students were not passing the exam was because there were traps in the exam - without assessing if this belief is in fact true or a reaction in fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make opinions and draw conclusions from getting to know that most of the class was failing the exam without assessing those opinions and conclusions first


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as valid the belief that the teacher had put traps in the questions when hearing that most of the class were failing the test just because it appeared in my mind - without first assessing what triggered this thought and if it is in fact real the content of it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw conclusions from the thought and fear that the teacher might have put traps in the exam.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system is against me and that I must beat the system - instead of seeing that if I follow the rules of the system of for instance school, I can work within the system and prevent being rejected by the system and in fact - accepted.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that believing that the teacher/system is against me will cloud my judgement because I will act in fear and not in self-direction; in survival instead of directive-principle of what is Best for All.


I commit myself to whenever I think the teachers/system is against me: Breathe, realize that I am the system as I am all that exist and put myself to work within the rules of the system but not being influenced by it but in directing an outcome that is Best for All.


I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in fear of failing the test: Stop, breathe and trust myself that the questions that I have given enough attention are done and move on to the remaining questions and only check 'back' if there is more time left - not wasting time in re-rechecking but doing it to the best of my ability the first time because then I don't need to look twice/make sure twice if I don't have time left when I finish the exam.


I commit myself to trust myself to the point that when I am sure of an answer, not change it until proven otherwise with enough cross-referencing that the new point/change is valid.


I commit myself to whenever I see I am doubting myself - breathe, relax my muscles of the back, sit straight and read the question of the exam and all the possible answers as well as check within myself what it is that I know about the question and then accordingly choose the best option available.

To Continue

Day 31: Being Liked

 

The first day I find myself participating in the class about 50% of the times the teacher asks a question. There is something going on about wanting that much attention and it is related to wanting to get better marks by being liked by the teacher that stems from fear of getting bad marks if I am disliked and from competition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within fearing failing – want the teacher to like me so that I can influence him/her to put a better score based on my manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by the teacher and getting worse marks for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that no matter how ‘nice’ or not I am towards the teacher what matters is how I perform in the class/practices/exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher not liking me as a reason for getting bad marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I manage to get the teacher to like me I will get better marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put the reason why I get the marks I get within the teacher liking me or not instead of sticking to the rules of evaluation of every subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to interact more with the teacher than the rest of the class so that he/she gets to know me in the hope that I will get special treatment if 

I succeed to make him/her like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get better/privileged treatment from the teacher than the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in competition within getting attention from the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to make things easier for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the subjects to be easier for me than for the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the class and from the teacher by competing to get attention to be liked and to get better grades and better opportunities than the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be better than the rest of the class/than the majority of the class in the eyes of the teacher by ‘showing off’ in front of them in speaking knowledge and information in the hope that I will get special treatment for that and that it will reflect in my grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with the teacher/class in fear of not being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious when the teacher asks a question and nobody replies in the classroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately answer a question that the teacher asks if I know the answer without considering everyone else in the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ‘earn’ points in the eyes of the theacher whenever I reply a question when nobody does.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that maybe I am not the only one that know the answer but the others are holding back because I am immediately showing signs that I want to reply to the question/reply to the question - and so I finally participate without giving the opportunity for others to participate  - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the opportunity to reply to teacher’s questions to ‘show off’ in order to be liked/in the hopes of being liked and getting more ‘points’/better grades – in competition with all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the class from the starting point of energy and desire to show off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the class in fear of not being liked if I don’t and thus getting –apparently- worse marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe from the starting point of Ego that if I don’t reply a question no one will.

Whenever I see I am about to talk with the class within the starting point of ‘showing off’ or wanting to be liked by the teacher I stop, breathe and reconsider the point to see how I can support myself within it in fact – not talking to be liked.

Whenever I see I am about to spend more time talking with the teacher I stop and consider if I in fact require to talk with the teacher or if I am wanting to be liked/noticed and accordingly act.

Whenever I see I am wanting to participate in the classroom within the starting point of competition and getting attention I stop, breathe and allow others to share themselves/participate in the class equally.

Whenever I get anxious to participate within a question being asked by the teacher I stop, breathe and consider if I require support or further insight with the point I am going to participate with and act accordingly.

Whenever I see that nobody replies a question the teacher has asked and I go into anxiety and desire 

to reply I stop within myself and breathe or say ‘stop’ and breathe and allow time to pass so someone else can have the opportunity to participate.

Whenever I see that I go into fear of letting pass an opportunity to show off within the class I stop, breathe and and leave the opportunity open for others to participate in the class.

I commit myself to check within myself the starting point of my participation in the class BEFORE I speak so that I don’t talk from the starting point of energy or fear.