Day 84: True Positivity

"push yourself as far as you can go and then go beyond it--as the as far as you can go is the limit of your program --te point where you can go no more--the belief that defines you that must be eradicated" --- The Essence of Walking the Journey from Consciousness to Life by Bernard Poolman

How many times have I given up, decided that my circumstances were more than what I could handle. Yet I realize in looking at my situation that I have been given everything and i have given so little. Education, money, support -- all is in vain -- it is not what one has been given but what one does with it. And there will be many excuses and experiences, like a heaviness that comes up as I am writing this, that tries to drag me to inaction and then I see: It is this negativity of not putting all that I have on stake to do what it relevant. I have nothing to lose. As of late I have had this experience of anxiety of wanting to have a good experience a good moment/feeling, but it is a trap, because the 'best experience' of all would be to put my efforts to the joint effort of those that dare to put it all at stake to create a world that is the best possible for All Life on Earth.

Either this or the illusion of limitation of creating my 'own drama' of excuses and reasons and blame - all the while disregarding and trowing away the opportunities that do exist in my circumstances -- so after all I sould not consider myself as positive if I only look for the negatives in my world to then give up and not do my best to support myself to stand up for myself and for All. The phrase 'where there is a will there is a way' makes much sense and pushing myslef to go as far as I can go and beyond is truly a worthwile effort to take on: The true positivity.

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Day 68: If it Mathematically Works, Go For It

Taking decisions in life is not random - usually when faced with a decision we choose one thing or another depending on the accumulated effect of our actions in the past. For example, going to university. One can say that you can either decide to go or not to go but if a student has not accumulated enough skills and obviously has the money for it - then it will be impossible to go through university. Then it is relevant to calculate what will it take to be able do anything in life, in order to be prepared when faced with the decision and be able to stick to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to calculate what it takes to do what I say I want to do, and then introduce this in a schedule to do daily/as necessary.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to carefully plan and establish a daily schedule for myself in order to accumulate that which I need in my life until I have enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not prepare myself for what I say I want to do in order to give up in the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take decisions for myself in the future without preparing myself accordingly for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to walk my decisions instead of working out if it's mathematically feasible considering time and resources.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the basic laws of consequence, cause and effect - and to apply it to the goals I set for myself.

Whenever I see I want to give up I stop and breathe. I understand that to get the outcome necessary I have to input the work - so I put myself to work in the realization that it is always easier the sooner I start and it gets difficult as time passes.

Whenever I see that I go into emotional turmoil/reaction I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is very simple what I have to do: To daily walk that which accumulates to the outcome that I need. All emotional reaction thus is irrelevant and not to give attention to - but solved to walk effectively.

Whenever I see that I am projecting what I will do in the future I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only determine what I do in every moment - So I walk practically to add up to be able to in the future be prepared for what I have to do.

Whenever I see that I want to get something done in a moment I stop and breathe. I realize that it will take an accumulation of daily work for whatever time it takes to accomplish anything - so I calculate an approximate of how much will it take and walk until I get it done.

I see/realize and understand that there is no need to fear the future - because I construct the future with my actions - so I carefully plan my actions to tweak/adjust the outcome and thus in a way direct my future.

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Day 63: Who Decides?

Who decides what happens to me? Aside from chance or imprevisible events the one who decides what happens to me is me. What I do in every moment accumulates and then wherever I am I know one thing: I am living the result of my accumulated past. To create my future in a way that is best for me then is to make decisions and live them accordingly so that I accumulate for a better future than I am at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to wait for permission to create a life for myself that is worthwile and fulfilling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not accumulate in every moment what is best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell into self-pity and my limitations instead of expanding myself in applying myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the 'McDonalds' change where I am in a moment changed and live a fulfilling life instead of realizing that it will take time and effort and planning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in not applying myself in writing, self forgiveness and practical application = to stop the accepted self-abuse and push myself to expand/do more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not do the tasks I have to do such as judging things as difficult - not seeing, realizing or understanding that this is irrelevant and I must walk regardless of any experience, in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself every time I fail to do what I see I have to do - failing myself in doing this - instead of standing up for myself.

I commit myself to assess what it is that I have to do and apply it in the moment immediately and continue to do it throughout the day, going back to this application whenever I see I am not doing what is supportive for me to do at a given moment.

I commit myself to remind myself that it is me who placed myself in the position that I am now, and therefore it is me that will have to place myself in a better position through walking that which is best for me to do in every moment - without any excuses valid, because self-sabotage is unacceptable always.

When and as I see myself making up excuses to not do something, I stop and breathe. I realize within this that postponing will create unnecesary consequence so I do it instead.

When and as I see myself looking for some distraction, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no way that I can avoid being with myself, so I do the work first and then utilize the free time to do something I enjoy.

Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

During the day I was experiencing myself somehow uneasy. There was this exam scheduled for next week that I was not confident of because I had still not gone through the last assignments of the subject and I have judged them as difficult because it takes time and effort for me to solve them. Well, so instead of putting it more time during the day I wandered off from here to there not doing school work or other work I usually do in my day. Then at night I realize the exam is not scheduled until a week later than I thought and suddenly it's like this weight is no longer here. But it was never here! Yet I allowed myself to compromise myself in not directing myself to take on the subject, because I had judged it as difficult I was absurdly avoiding it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by procrastinating on studying for the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize 'being difficult' as an excuse to not study a subject regularly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that as well as I can accumulate myself to be effective the day of the exam = I can accumulate unsolved material that can make it virtually impossible for me to go through effectively in time so that I can pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate undone homework in having judged it as difficult instead of placing time for me accumulate slowly but surely for me to be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the petrification as fear of an exam that I have not practiced enough - not seeing realizing and understanding that if I study = I still can be scared yet I will be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to only move myself if I don't experience fear - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I will have to go through it if it is here, even though I know it is not real - I have to walk regardless of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put fear as an excuse in self interest to not have to face myself within school.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am 'wandering off'/procrastinating during the day: Stop, write on a paper/screen the tasks I have to do and get them done one by one in distributing time amongst the tasks and remaining here as breath as I do them.

I see, realize and understand that fearing a subject and using this fear as an excuse to not apply myself within it = is not valid.

I commit myself to push myself to get my daily study work done effectively so that I make sure that I am building the structure to pass the exams and not the other way around.

Day 31: Being Liked

 

The first day I find myself participating in the class about 50% of the times the teacher asks a question. There is something going on about wanting that much attention and it is related to wanting to get better marks by being liked by the teacher that stems from fear of getting bad marks if I am disliked and from competition. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within fearing failing – want the teacher to like me so that I can influence him/her to put a better score based on my manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disliked by the teacher and getting worse marks for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that no matter how ‘nice’ or not I am towards the teacher what matters is how I perform in the class/practices/exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher not liking me as a reason for getting bad marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I manage to get the teacher to like me I will get better marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put the reason why I get the marks I get within the teacher liking me or not instead of sticking to the rules of evaluation of every subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to interact more with the teacher than the rest of the class so that he/she gets to know me in the hope that I will get special treatment if 

I succeed to make him/her like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get better/privileged treatment from the teacher than the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in competition within getting attention from the teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to make things easier for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the subjects to be easier for me than for the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the class and from the teacher by competing to get attention to be liked and to get better grades and better opportunities than the rest of the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be better than the rest of the class/than the majority of the class in the eyes of the teacher by ‘showing off’ in front of them in speaking knowledge and information in the hope that I will get special treatment for that and that it will reflect in my grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with the teacher/class in fear of not being liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious when the teacher asks a question and nobody replies in the classroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately answer a question that the teacher asks if I know the answer without considering everyone else in the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ‘earn’ points in the eyes of the theacher whenever I reply a question when nobody does.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider that maybe I am not the only one that know the answer but the others are holding back because I am immediately showing signs that I want to reply to the question/reply to the question - and so I finally participate without giving the opportunity for others to participate  - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the opportunity to reply to teacher’s questions to ‘show off’ in order to be liked/in the hopes of being liked and getting more ‘points’/better grades – in competition with all others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the class from the starting point of energy and desire to show off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the class in fear of not being liked if I don’t and thus getting –apparently- worse marks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe from the starting point of Ego that if I don’t reply a question no one will.

Whenever I see I am about to talk with the class within the starting point of ‘showing off’ or wanting to be liked by the teacher I stop, breathe and reconsider the point to see how I can support myself within it in fact – not talking to be liked.

Whenever I see I am about to spend more time talking with the teacher I stop and consider if I in fact require to talk with the teacher or if I am wanting to be liked/noticed and accordingly act.

Whenever I see I am wanting to participate in the classroom within the starting point of competition and getting attention I stop, breathe and allow others to share themselves/participate in the class equally.

Whenever I get anxious to participate within a question being asked by the teacher I stop, breathe and consider if I require support or further insight with the point I am going to participate with and act accordingly.

Whenever I see that nobody replies a question the teacher has asked and I go into anxiety and desire 

to reply I stop within myself and breathe or say ‘stop’ and breathe and allow time to pass so someone else can have the opportunity to participate.

Whenever I see that I go into fear of letting pass an opportunity to show off within the class I stop, breathe and and leave the opportunity open for others to participate in the class.

I commit myself to check within myself the starting point of my participation in the class BEFORE I speak so that I don’t talk from the starting point of energy or fear.