Day 112: Paranoia of Failure - Part Two

Continuing from: Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

An interesting point came up, which is the point of desires, and I see how I saw 'living in the system' and going to get a job and make money 'seriously' meaning to get a good career - I despised that in the sense of seeing it as the way of 'self-interest' but yet I desired it - in terms of what one can achieve through that, through having money. So instead of sorting myself  out and seeing for myself that yes I can support myself to have a good career and take responsibility for myself as 'who I am'/what I have become - at the same time, instead I participated in 'Paranoia of Failure' to not take responsibility for myself and so that I can ultimately 'simply work for money', 'follow my desires' and not care about taking responsibility for myself but invest my life and money in living out my desires.

In a nutshell, and this one I give to myself, I did not "have the courage" to live out my desires/self-interest and suppressed it, but continued to not take responsibility for myself just in case 'I get to live that'. So I did not immediately go and live out the desire, but wait in hope that maybe possibly at some point in the future I can live them. All this was unnecessary. It is not a problem to have a good career - it is in fact useful to do something of worth in this life. The part that is a problem is the mind and sorting out this desires/suppression. The solution is to make and live the decision to change: to stop self-interest, and to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires yet want to hold onto them and so participate in 'Paranoia of Failure' so that maybe in the future I 'get to live out my desires' - in self-interest to entertain myself and not take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make and walk the decision to stop self-interest and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can entertain myself in this life through living out desires, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can't avoid taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more desires than myself and what I can be and become if I take responsibility for me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-interest of wanting to live out my desires, instead of evaluating them and see what is valid if any and what is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the gift within 'Paranoia of Failure' as I have been able to see where I was deceiving myself and that I can create a life for myself walking the Principles I've committed myself to live by - instead of desires.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not my desires.

I commit myself to plan my life, so that I am no longer controlled by desires but know in detail that I am walking within the principles I commited myself to live by.

Day 79: What's in a Task?

The power of action, of doing, this is the solution. All the insight in the world is not enough, at the end theory has to be concreted in some action, as the quote 'Knowledge without application is useless' by Bernard Poolman describes best.

The past days I've have had many occasions where I have seen what it is that I have to do in terms of responsibilities and every time I've failed to do most of what I saw. There are different traps and mechanisms to prevent from action, such as thinking of doing many things - this discourages from doing anything because Reality doesn't work like the Mind - the mind can see something done in a fraction of a second while in the real world things take time to be done, it requires a step-by-step, breath by breath physical action such as writing, cleaning or any other task that is real. Therefore, instead of thinking of doing many things, it is more useful to instead see what is the immediate next point, the next step that is required for me to do, without thinking ahead of what comes next.

Like for example, how difficult it is for me to write a line for a blog or read a line of school homework - it is not difficult, it is only difficult if I am participating in my mind about how difficult it is - lol. Because in the real world one does never 'do homework' or 'clean the house' in one moment - what one does in the real world is a sequence of physical actions that accumulate into what we can describe as 'doing homework' and 'cleaning the house' -- but it consist of many actions. So it is not to think 'I have to clean the house' and then become discouraged as seeing it as 'too big' but instead simply see that it is a sequence of actions that I have to do and 'I better get it started becuse it will take time' lol -- This is similar to the strategy of 'divide and conquer' = seeing the tasks as individual actions that are easy but that once are done, something cool or required is achieved such as having a room cleaned or delivering a school paper.

In seeing this, there are no excuses that are valid for not taking on and doing the responsibilities that I have to do in my day, because if I can do the different steps that are required to clean or do homework, I am able to start and finish doing it.

It may sound a bit ridiculous to dissect responsibilities in such small actions but I've noticed how I have done the opposite in order to avoid doing it - For example thinking of tasks as such a big thing/difficult thing to do, instead of seeing tasks for what they are, a sum of actions that are 'doable' if I am breathing and stable here, intead of going into the mind and complain and think about how big and difficult a task is - which is not in fact real, as I've explained.

The next blog I will start with doing self forgiveness on inflating tasks within my mind in order to give up before starting them and then continue with self corrective application to change it to a practical approach to walking tasks and responsibilities.

Picture Art by Carrie Tooley