Day 112: Paranoia of Failure - Part Two

Continuing from: Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

An interesting point came up, which is the point of desires, and I see how I saw 'living in the system' and going to get a job and make money 'seriously' meaning to get a good career - I despised that in the sense of seeing it as the way of 'self-interest' but yet I desired it - in terms of what one can achieve through that, through having money. So instead of sorting myself  out and seeing for myself that yes I can support myself to have a good career and take responsibility for myself as 'who I am'/what I have become - at the same time, instead I participated in 'Paranoia of Failure' to not take responsibility for myself and so that I can ultimately 'simply work for money', 'follow my desires' and not care about taking responsibility for myself but invest my life and money in living out my desires.

In a nutshell, and this one I give to myself, I did not "have the courage" to live out my desires/self-interest and suppressed it, but continued to not take responsibility for myself just in case 'I get to live that'. So I did not immediately go and live out the desire, but wait in hope that maybe possibly at some point in the future I can live them. All this was unnecessary. It is not a problem to have a good career - it is in fact useful to do something of worth in this life. The part that is a problem is the mind and sorting out this desires/suppression. The solution is to make and live the decision to change: to stop self-interest, and to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires yet want to hold onto them and so participate in 'Paranoia of Failure' so that maybe in the future I 'get to live out my desires' - in self-interest to entertain myself and not take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make and walk the decision to stop self-interest and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can entertain myself in this life through living out desires, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can't avoid taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more desires than myself and what I can be and become if I take responsibility for me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-interest of wanting to live out my desires, instead of evaluating them and see what is valid if any and what is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the gift within 'Paranoia of Failure' as I have been able to see where I was deceiving myself and that I can create a life for myself walking the Principles I've committed myself to live by - instead of desires.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not my desires.

I commit myself to plan my life, so that I am no longer controlled by desires but know in detail that I am walking within the principles I commited myself to live by.

Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 96: Studying Transformed - Part Two

by Andrew Gable

This is a continuation of Day 95: Studying Transformed - suggested to read that one first.

Also I see that I have linked 'studying' with 'not fun' when I have not really delved into studying to see if I really enjoy it or not. 

Whenever I see that I judge math, chemistry or other subjects as 'not fun', I stop and I breathe. I realize that I won't have all the answers solved in those subjects - because then 'where is the fun?' I have simply to prepare myself so that I am able to take on the challenges presented by those subjects, because if I am not prepared, then I first have to go back and prepare myself.

I commit myself to prepare myself to the extent that I can face the challenges that the subjects can pose, in the realization that unless I am prepared, it can't be fun as it can't virtually be done.

Whenever I see that I judge 'advanced math/chemistry' as 'not fun', I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is a valid point that: Unless I master the basics, I can't go into advanced. Within this, I commit myself to prepare myself by going back wherever necessary within the subjects to learn the foundations effectively to build upon it.

Whenever I see that I want studying to be easy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I will have to endure moments wherein I'd rather give up, or where I will be 'uncomfortable' but within this I have breath to assist me in continue walking regardless.

I commit myself to breathe and push myself to master the basics of the subjects that I require to go to university, so that I can enjoy expanding them.

Whenever I see that I am judging me in relation of not knowing the subjects, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it doesn't matter that I STILL don't know the basics/master the basics -- that it is something I simply have to do - so I put myself to do it as it is the only way to effectiveness.

I commit myself to walk the basics of subjects no matter how early in my life I was supposed to have known them.

Whenever I see that I go into anxiety with regards of going to university, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have the tools to test whether I am effective at the subjects or not, and accordingly remediate it - so that I am certain that I will have a full opportunity of walking through university effectively.

I commit myself to work on the subjects that I need to master to the extent that I am certain that I can take on the subjects at university.

Whenever I see that I judge studying as a chore, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility to study, but this does not mean that I cannot enjoy myself within it.

I commit myself to investigate all the instances where I am reactive towards my situation with studying, so that I can see what it is that I have to change to act in preventing consequences that are not necessary.

Day 95: Studying Transformed

Today I have been a bit anxious because I have realized that I have to step up my level of math and other subjects of university, and that unless I really go for it I simply won't be able to pass at the rate of one course per year.  Looking at the past, I have always at about this time of the summer planned of preparing myself for next year, but I never ended doing it, I always distracted myself throughout summer. At the same time, in the past I used to isolate myself and avoid doing much with the excuse of having to study. All this has not worked, so I have to find a way of being able to dedicate myself daily to study and also do other stuff. Also I see that I have linked 'studying' with 'not fun' when I have not really delved into studying to see if I really enjoy it or not. Certainly I have enjoyed some parts of chemistry this last course, but I have not yet gone into math aside from starting the basics at Khan Academy, to build from the base up - and certainly too I have enjoyed it -- so nothing to fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge math and chemistry as 'not fun' when I have the proof where I can see instances where I did enjoy studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe advanced math and chemistry will not be as fun as basic ones.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to guide myself through the material that I have to study in order to become effective at the subjects required.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can give to myself the gift of a solid base in the subjects that I will study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to want to hold onto the prejudices/judgements I have about me and the subjects I have to study in order to avoid doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the beliefs that I have about me and my capabilities at the subjects are real.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not see that unless I put myself to study effectively I will not know what I can do or how it will be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be curious about exploring the subjects of math, chemistry and others - in depth - so that I can see for myself how cool it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepadventure/self discovery.

ted and allowed myself to see studying as a chore instead of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studying has to be easy or otherwise I can give up and judge it as difficult - without seeing that I can expand my capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge studying as dull.

To be continued in the next Blog.

Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

During the day I was experiencing myself somehow uneasy. There was this exam scheduled for next week that I was not confident of because I had still not gone through the last assignments of the subject and I have judged them as difficult because it takes time and effort for me to solve them. Well, so instead of putting it more time during the day I wandered off from here to there not doing school work or other work I usually do in my day. Then at night I realize the exam is not scheduled until a week later than I thought and suddenly it's like this weight is no longer here. But it was never here! Yet I allowed myself to compromise myself in not directing myself to take on the subject, because I had judged it as difficult I was absurdly avoiding it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by procrastinating on studying for the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize 'being difficult' as an excuse to not study a subject regularly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that as well as I can accumulate myself to be effective the day of the exam = I can accumulate unsolved material that can make it virtually impossible for me to go through effectively in time so that I can pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate undone homework in having judged it as difficult instead of placing time for me accumulate slowly but surely for me to be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the petrification as fear of an exam that I have not practiced enough - not seeing realizing and understanding that if I study = I still can be scared yet I will be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to only move myself if I don't experience fear - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I will have to go through it if it is here, even though I know it is not real - I have to walk regardless of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put fear as an excuse in self interest to not have to face myself within school.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am 'wandering off'/procrastinating during the day: Stop, write on a paper/screen the tasks I have to do and get them done one by one in distributing time amongst the tasks and remaining here as breath as I do them.

I see, realize and understand that fearing a subject and using this fear as an excuse to not apply myself within it = is not valid.

I commit myself to push myself to get my daily study work done effectively so that I make sure that I am building the structure to pass the exams and not the other way around.