Day 112: Paranoia of Failure - Part Two

Continuing from: Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

An interesting point came up, which is the point of desires, and I see how I saw 'living in the system' and going to get a job and make money 'seriously' meaning to get a good career - I despised that in the sense of seeing it as the way of 'self-interest' but yet I desired it - in terms of what one can achieve through that, through having money. So instead of sorting myself  out and seeing for myself that yes I can support myself to have a good career and take responsibility for myself as 'who I am'/what I have become - at the same time, instead I participated in 'Paranoia of Failure' to not take responsibility for myself and so that I can ultimately 'simply work for money', 'follow my desires' and not care about taking responsibility for myself but invest my life and money in living out my desires.

In a nutshell, and this one I give to myself, I did not "have the courage" to live out my desires/self-interest and suppressed it, but continued to not take responsibility for myself just in case 'I get to live that'. So I did not immediately go and live out the desire, but wait in hope that maybe possibly at some point in the future I can live them. All this was unnecessary. It is not a problem to have a good career - it is in fact useful to do something of worth in this life. The part that is a problem is the mind and sorting out this desires/suppression. The solution is to make and live the decision to change: to stop self-interest, and to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desires yet want to hold onto them and so participate in 'Paranoia of Failure' so that maybe in the future I 'get to live out my desires' - in self-interest to entertain myself and not take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make and walk the decision to stop self-interest and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can entertain myself in this life through living out desires, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I can't avoid taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more desires than myself and what I can be and become if I take responsibility for me and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in self-interest of wanting to live out my desires, instead of evaluating them and see what is valid if any and what is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the gift within 'Paranoia of Failure' as I have been able to see where I was deceiving myself and that I can create a life for myself walking the Principles I've committed myself to live by - instead of desires.

I commit myself to remind myself that I am not my desires.

I commit myself to plan my life, so that I am no longer controlled by desires but know in detail that I am walking within the principles I commited myself to live by.

Day 93: Missing The Stop

I was at the bus at night and it was full of people and a bit hot inside, and I thought that the stop would be one that I know but it was an assumption since I do not usually take that specific bus. I distracted myself with opening the windows and then at some point realized it was taking too long - I had missed my stop and had to wait 30 minutes more for the bus to come round his route and pass again at my stop. 

This reminds me of me not making sure that I reach my goals by putting in the necessary work and instead hope that the reality outside will match my inner reality where I can imagine how things will be -- but reality showed me otherwise, the stop wasn't the one that I imagined would be and I missed it because I hoped that I would see the signs that indicate that the bus was approaching my stop -- but because I did not know the route beforehand, we did not pass through were I thought we would so I was clueless all the time that I had missed my stop, until we were very far from it. I could have prevented this by looking out the window and/or asking. 

On a side note, that was curious - I was talking to the driver and at some point, he said that he utilizes all the senses to drive, but the one that he uses more is the vision. I should use it more.

I forgive myselfthat I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions in where my stop is instead of asking or being attentive to where the bus is going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with the windows and the air inside the bus, without being aware of the route of the bus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hope that I will see the bus stop - without putting myself to look out of the window/asking effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and and allowed myself to trust my imagination of what I thing the future will look like, instead of seeing with my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with the people at the bus - without keeping an eye to the stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I see when the bus approach my stop in the assumption that the bus would take the route that I am used to during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override the common sense that unless I look for my stop, I won't see it.

Whenever I see that I make assumptions in my mind about the future such as what the bus stop will be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to check everything I am not certain of, that assumptions are just that - assumptions -.

I commit myself to check the facts whenever I see that I make an assumption.

Whenever I see that I hope the future having a specific outcome, I stop and I breathe. I realize that hope will not make things happen, only my actions can create the outcome, and I have to make sure that I walk the necessary actions to force that outcome.  

Whenever I see that I am distracted in irrelevant things, I stop and I breathe. I realize, see and understand that I have to see where I am going, that unless I direct where I am going I will create unnecesary consequence for myself.

I commit myself to see with my physical eyes and in common sense where it is that I am going - both in terms of my movement in this physical reality and in my future.

Day 58: Let's get Real, this is not Disney

I have a kind of mug from where I drink water, and it's transparent so I had to check if it was full and yes it was, and I was glad because I was thirsty - and I had filled the mug myself previously but I wasn't sure of it. This lead me to the realization that, obviously, I am the creator of my reality. I am the provider of what I have, what I do has a direct impact on what I experience. It's like sometimes I'd like that I'd pass at school or have this or that, but WTF? if I create my reality it is delusional that I desire anything - I simply do what it takes to create that which is practical and then there it is. To create something that is practical for All, this would be to implement an Equal Money System. And for Myself first, well, the first stop/step is that I get an education, which I am currently walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a good education and pass my exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work to get a good education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass my exams instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work on the things I know will support myself with, such as studying, and doing DIP and DIP Lite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a 'miracle' to save myself in making me pass exams and have a good life - out of nothing - not considering the steps required for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good life instead of working for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a job - instead of getting one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have Money instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up writing - instead of seeing it is self-sabotage in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I commit myself to work on the solutions and stop worrying about how I feel - seeing that 'feeling' is just a veil to not see that the answer is to walk in practicality constantly here as Breath.

I commit myself to solve all my problems here in my reality by walking the Solutions that I know I have to walk so that I don't have to desire anything - to then expand into working in solving this Reality's problems.

I commit myself to stop all self-interest in desires to instead work for what is best for me in the context of what is best for all, at all times.