November 10, 2012

Day 54: Be Nice? Fuck that


Today when I arrived at class the teacher - T - did not reply to my greeting.. As a group we arrived 10 minutes late so he said that it was unacceptable. During the class I played out a reaction to this by not fully listening to what T was saying, not fully participating at times, in some way of absurd 'vengeance'. I see I it is for wanting to be liked by the teacher. 'Succeding' at having T being 'nice' to me is not a measurable practical result that adds within the equation of what is best for all, it has 'no value' in the sense that I do not get the grades based on that - but based on tests and assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to be nice to me in self interest to 'feel good' and feel adequate - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need validation from outside myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good by having the teacher talk to me when I say something - and want to 'rebel against' T when I don't get a 'positive reinforcement' from T - as in T being nice to me - proving myeslf to be an organic robot with a predictable - thus controllable - behaviour in accepting and allowing myself to base my interaction with reality based on feeling and emotion instead of taking responsibility for it and walking in common sense that which is best in every moment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the teacher conditionally - only when T is being nice - not seeing realizing and understanding that in doing that I am completely dependent on something outside of myself to direct myself within school - unacceptable.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my emotion of inadequacy in self interest to not take repsonsibility of my self-created reactions in self-dishonesty i.e. in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to remove myself from the class because of not having been given attention by T - in self interest to not have to take responsibility for my experience of 'feeling bad for having been 'ignored' byT - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had make a mistake by arriving late at class and thus have to correct it, instead of taking in personally when T corrects/adresses a problem like this one.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my behaviour at class depending on how T talks to me and acts in general - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have to do my best at school regardless of the experience I get from my interaction with colleagues or teachers because experience is not to be trusted as I do not know how I create it in the moment I experience it.

I commit myself to whenever someone talks to me - listen to what is being said - and accordingly check within myself if there are reactions and where do I have to place myself according to what is being said.


I commit myself to remind myself that I create my experiences as reactions inside myself and that it is never about the situation or the people invovled, thus within this: I commit myself to whenever I react so something/someone - breathe through and stop all movement initiated by that reaction - to instead walk in self-movement practically.

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