Day 61: I Slipped - Slept

This week I have wasted on sleeping mostly which has been tormenting both for myself and my academic life - I'm back to put myself to work and to not sleep more during the day but only the necessary during the night, and to instead of putting myself to hide under a blanket, to hide in my books - lol.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself practically in the self forgiveness and self corrective statements of Day 60.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from and sabotage myself in sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in wasting time not studying for my exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in not putting myself to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insist in not facing myself, in self interest to not change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to pass my exams, and therefore not giving myself the chance to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not study for my exams so that I can claim that I am not good at it to not have to face myself in studying anymore.

I commit myself to stop giving excuses and instead put myself to work on my school effectively by placing time and work to do it.

I commit myself to put myself to work on school , regardless of what the outcome I may think it will be.

I commit myself to stopp giving excuses like I won't pass this exam in order to not study for the exam, within the common sense realization that if I don't put myself to study, obviously the chances that I fail are way greater than if I study for it.

I commit myself to whenever I want to give up and stop studying = see realize and remind myself that I have nowhere to go to hide from myself and that I better face myself there and then in the moment than having to time-loop and endure unnecessary 'pain and suffering'.

Day 54: Be Nice? Fuck that

Today when I arrived at class the teacher - T - did not reply to my greeting.. As a group we arrived 10 minutes late so he said that it was unacceptable. During the class I played out a reaction to this by not fully listening to what T was saying, not fully participating at times, in some way of absurd 'vengeance'. I see I it is for wanting to be liked by the teacher. 'Succeding' at having T being 'nice' to me is not a measurable practical result that adds within the equation of what is best for all, it has 'no value' in the sense that I do not get the grades based on that - but based on tests and assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to be nice to me in self interest to 'feel good' and feel adequate - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need validation from outside myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good by having the teacher talk to me when I say something - and want to 'rebel against' T when I don't get a 'positive reinforcement' from T - as in T being nice to me - proving myeslf to be an organic robot with a predictable - thus controllable - behaviour in accepting and allowing myself to base my interaction with reality based on feeling and emotion instead of taking responsibility for it and walking in common sense that which is best in every moment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the teacher conditionally - only when T is being nice - not seeing realizing and understanding that in doing that I am completely dependent on something outside of myself to direct myself within school - unacceptable.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my emotion of inadequacy in self interest to not take repsonsibility of my self-created reactions in self-dishonesty i.e. in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to remove myself from the class because of not having been given attention by T - in self interest to not have to take responsibility for my experience of 'feeling bad for having been 'ignored' byT - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had make a mistake by arriving late at class and thus have to correct it, instead of taking in personally when T corrects/adresses a problem like this one.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my behaviour at class depending on how T talks to me and acts in general - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have to do my best at school regardless of the experience I get from my interaction with colleagues or teachers because experience is not to be trusted as I do not know how I create it in the moment I experience it.

I commit myself to whenever someone talks to me - listen to what is being said - and accordingly check within myself if there are reactions and where do I have to place myself according to what is being said.


I commit myself to remind myself that I create my experiences as reactions inside myself and that it is never about the situation or the people invovled, thus within this: I commit myself to whenever I react so something/someone - breathe through and stop all movement initiated by that reaction - to instead walk in self-movement practically.

Day 52: Write Daily (OR DIE)

It's been a week since I last posted here. Many excuses that I can think of but no excuses are valid because of my agreement to walk this journey to life is to write daily. So I here re-commit myself and forgive myself for having sabotaged myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to my decision of writing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put the blame for not writing outside of myself in blaming imaginary forces - not seeing I am the real force, as the beginning and end of movement within myself happens with my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into giving up instead of motivating myself act in ways that are/will result in what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself in self interest to not have to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself deliberately in acting in ways that make me feel ashamed of myself - in self interest to not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live without shame in every moment.

I commit myself to deliberately act in ways that I will not be ashamed of myself for.

I commit myself to motivate myself to act in ways that I can be proud of myself for doing, and that is to do my best within the principle of what is Best for All at all times.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in the emotion of overwhelmingness or fear, remind myself that it is me creating this experience, it is not real and I can stop it in a moment and walk past the experience and not look back.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am about to or planning to sabotage myself into doing something that I will be ashamed for in order to give up self responsibility in self interest - stop, see what it is that I was planning and forgive myself to then redirect myself to live free of guilt and shame.