Day 89: The Failer

In the past I have always reacted to my own failures, where I would become angry and frustrated whenever I failed at something such as an exam, instead of seeing that I created the situation myself. Seeing that I created the situation is one step to then sort it out, because if I merely react and blame anything outside of myself, I give my power away to that which I blame. Most of the times that I failed despite having the time and resources to not fail are an indicator that I chose to fail and thus it must be investigated, this weird self-sabotage system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I did not create failure = to not have to take responsibility for myself within that in which I apparently failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate my environment by 'selectively failing' so that I can get what I think I can't get in any other way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inadequate whenever I fail, instead of seeing the situation for what it is, investigating it and defusing it with the tools available - so that I don't waste my time/life on failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situations where I failed, without realizing that it was me who designed the situation in the past -- as I design my experience of me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate, correct and let go of the design of failure in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with failure, instead of assisting and supporting myself to expand myself to see what is possible to do/live in this world within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to cycles of failure, having to do things many times unnecesarily - and at the same time enslaving all others by not using my time effectively to find solutions to the atrocities happening in the world on a daily basis.

Whenever I see that I am designing a situation where I fail, I stop and I breathe, I realize the absurdity/unnecessarity of the situation, and the abuse that it cause to me and others as me, so I stop and instead walk in common sense.
I commit myself to walk my day commonsensically, making sure that what I do produces an outcome that is that is supportive.

Whenever I see that I am judging myself based on the past situations where I failed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, that I created those situations where I failed, and that I have to take responsibility and investigate applying the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application to the point where it does not affect me anymore. I commit myself to investigate the failures in my past so that I can stop it from conditioning my future.

To be continued in the next blog.

Day 54: Be Nice? Fuck that

Today when I arrived at class the teacher - T - did not reply to my greeting.. As a group we arrived 10 minutes late so he said that it was unacceptable. During the class I played out a reaction to this by not fully listening to what T was saying, not fully participating at times, in some way of absurd 'vengeance'. I see I it is for wanting to be liked by the teacher. 'Succeding' at having T being 'nice' to me is not a measurable practical result that adds within the equation of what is best for all, it has 'no value' in the sense that I do not get the grades based on that - but based on tests and assignments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the teacher to be nice to me in self interest to 'feel good' and feel adequate - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need validation from outside myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good by having the teacher talk to me when I say something - and want to 'rebel against' T when I don't get a 'positive reinforcement' from T - as in T being nice to me - proving myeslf to be an organic robot with a predictable - thus controllable - behaviour in accepting and allowing myself to base my interaction with reality based on feeling and emotion instead of taking responsibility for it and walking in common sense that which is best in every moment.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the teacher conditionally - only when T is being nice - not seeing realizing and understanding that in doing that I am completely dependent on something outside of myself to direct myself within school - unacceptable.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my emotion of inadequacy in self interest to not take repsonsibility of my self-created reactions in self-dishonesty i.e. in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to remove myself from the class because of not having been given attention by T - in self interest to not have to take responsibility for my experience of 'feeling bad for having been 'ignored' byT - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I had make a mistake by arriving late at class and thus have to correct it, instead of taking in personally when T corrects/adresses a problem like this one.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my behaviour at class depending on how T talks to me and acts in general - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have to do my best at school regardless of the experience I get from my interaction with colleagues or teachers because experience is not to be trusted as I do not know how I create it in the moment I experience it.

I commit myself to whenever someone talks to me - listen to what is being said - and accordingly check within myself if there are reactions and where do I have to place myself according to what is being said.


I commit myself to remind myself that I create my experiences as reactions inside myself and that it is never about the situation or the people invovled, thus within this: I commit myself to whenever I react so something/someone - breathe through and stop all movement initiated by that reaction - to instead walk in self-movement practically.