Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 106: Tiredness by Beliefs

Sleep, almost with a little bending of the L you can get 'Sheep'. Sleep control and what the media has tried to indoctrinate of us to sleep - of which there is a cool video Hangout here. I won't go into that but instead into how I have manipulated myself into acting differently when I have not had too much sleep/enough sleep. So last night I did not have a lot of sleep but about half of what I should have slept, and then in the afternoon I was not effectively working on math problems as effectively as I did the day before when I had more sleep. What is interesting is that later in the afternoon, when I finished the math classes, I was full of energy. So it means that I was manipulating myself to not perform/apply myself as effectively because of beliefs that if I am tired then I cannot operate/function effectively - that if I have not slept enough one night then it has to affect my ability to direct my day and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have not slept as much as I usually sleep or if I have slept only a little = that I will not be able to be effective at mind-work related tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is only if I participate in the mind that I am 'slow and dull' and that I am 'here' and alert when I am Here as breath, even if I have not slept the usual amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose myself the limitation of not being able to direct my day and responsibilities effectively in participating in the belief that = if I do not sleep the required hours the day before = the next day I will not be able to 'function' properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of walking moment by moment, pre-design my experience within my day by believing that I will automatically be tired if I have not slept the amount of hours I normally sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not delving and doing the stuff that I find difficult with the excuse that I am tired - when in fact I am immediately aware and prepared to do any other activity, which reveals that - in that moment - I am not really limited by not having slept the regular amount of hours.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see for myself if I am really tired and need to have a rest or if I can walk my responsibilities - and according to this - walk my day.

Whenever I see that I am putting excuses to not do some activities but can do others easily, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in excuses and self-limitation by avoiding walking my responsibilities.

I commit myself to disregard excuses that 'I am tired' and instead assess if I can do an activity in the moment.

I commit myself to assess the real physical condition of my body and see if I am making up an experience with my mind where I am not effective or if I really need to stop and rest if possible.

I commit myself to make the necessary arrangements to be able to provide my body with the neccessary support in terms of sleep and eat so that I dont have to put unnecessary stress on it.

I commit myself to identify and stop whenever I am participating in excuses to not engage and walk my responsibilities effectively.

I commit myself to walk my day/responsibilities without a preconceived idea of the state that my mind and body will be in based in how much I have slept - but instead assess the state of my body in the moment and act accordingly by taking common sense practical decisions that consider my body and without allowing self-limitation of the mind such as believes that I must be tired.