Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 109: Back to Busy-ness

by Andrew Gable Artist

I was about to post a new blog entry when I saw that the last blog post was from 6 June 2014 which is more than a month ago. It is interesting how the mind works, and how the perception of self and time is not reliable at all. Let me explain. It does not feel like that much time has passed yet it has been two months. More than two months since I last wrote a blog and posted it. I am not saying that I have been writing blog posts in private and not posting them - that is not usually the case, if I have not been posting then it means that, well, I am not writing -- and this is unacceptable. It starts with one day of not writing, that then amounts to a month, two months -- it is not the first time that this has happened and it is not cool to say the least. It is interesting how self-perception is always better than our actual behaviour is in fact, -- it is like studying, I can do little things here and there and say I am studying but then if the day of the exam I don't peform well at all what does it say about my application = that it was insufficient. So it is the same with blogging, it doesn't matter what I think about anything, it is what it is, and the way to keep myself on track is to simply make sure I do my stuff and get the things done day by day. This is the topic of the blog that I wrote for today, and this was simply an epilogue to say -- I am sorry -- but not sorry for myself but simply to say that I have squandered time by not blogging and that I commit myself to from now on make sure I wrote as frequently as I can, daily if I can so that I dont get lost in self-perception self-deception.

Here the blog entry for today:

Recently I was working a summer job and I was very effective, even getting compliments from employers and co-workers ond my performance. Once back at home, it did not translate into being more effective at my responsibilities. Recently I have seen that this is because at the job I was doing, which was phyisical, doing food with my hands, selling food -- I could not afford to be in my mind and wandering off in thoughts for example, as it would cost me -- and did in fact cost me a cut in a finger for example. When I am at home, then I have to apply the same rules so to speak, to not allow myself to go into thoughts and instead apply self -discilpline in simply getting done what is necessary to be done -- and not believe that because I am not working at a job that I can afford to be in my mind  -- because as I have seen for myself, I am not effective if I allow myself to participate in my mind, entertain myself in my mind, sit down, sleep too much = I have to make things happen, get things done, and not allow thoughts, emotions and feelings to stop me - like I did at work thus proved I can do it everywhere.

This realization came up when I was with my cat, it was on my chest quite comfortable, and I realized that, the cat does not know what goes on in my mind, he knows me by my physical, my physical body -- and that is want counts,  I can not feed him, play with him or clean his bowl with my mind, all that counts I do with my body, so I cannot afford to pay attention to my mind for most of the time in a day, it does not matter, it matters what I do physically, the same thing that counted when I was working, it counts how many vegetables I cut, or how much pizza I sell -- the same with blogs, with getting anything done, it is not done in the mind as thoughts for example, it takes physical action -- thus this is how I can be more effective, by focusing on getting stuff done, and stopping the mind works that I allow to render me ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself convict to the con of consciousness as thoughts, feelings, emotions  by participating in them and not doing the stuff that is required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up excuses not to do stuff, instead of walking self honesty by doing whatever it is I can do to the extent that I can, as then I don't need  excuses any more.

Whenever I see that I am giving excuses to not do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that giving excuses is not valid, as I have to see for myself wether I can do something or not practically and then there is no choice but do what I can do practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that excuses are not valid, and that I can do ALL that I can do, no more and no less -- thus I commit mysel f to do ALL I can do in my Journey to Life.

I commit myself to remind myself that no matter how bad and gloomy I see some task in my mind, it is not real, and that if I in common sense see that I can walk a task for myself, then I am able to do it and should do it until proven otherwise practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that feelings/emotions and thoughts are not real, that I should not base my decisions and actions on them .