Day 111: Paranoia of Failure

Continuing from Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

One constant in the last about 7 years of my life has been relative failure in my studies – since high school. The problem is that I created this to not take responsibility for myself. Relative failure meaning that I would for example repeat a course but at the end I’d make it through so the result would be that I spend extra time on doing a course. For me it started as a way of getting attention – because as a teenager when I failed some subjects my parents were ‘all over me’ to try and figure out what had happened.
Over time it escalated because I was in a situation where I did not know what to do with my life in terms of what to study and a career, so I decided that I might as well continue living in the comfortable way of the student life for a while, but without any other goal than that, this way I would for example not put enough effort to complete my studies in the recommended time – and instead do a year or more extra. Looking in retrospective, I used failure to plain and simply not take responsibility for myself. Nowadays I do know what I want to do with my life and this pattern ‘Paranoia of Failure’ is obviously obsolete as it always was. The pattern or ‘Paranoia’ I’ve called ‘Paranoia of Failure’ does not serve me at all to live my utmost potential and thus has to go.

Another way I used ‘Paranoia of failure’ was so that I do not have to change. I did this through using the excuse that I had to study in order to not take responsibility for myself within my process, to remain the same and not have to change to ultimately not take responsibility for who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let me participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by deliberately failing at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by failing at my studies deliberately by not putting in enough work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to complete my studies even though I might not know ‘what is next’ or ‘what I want to do next’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not giving myself purpose within my studies and life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse education to not take responsibility for myself instead of using it to expand myself/support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live to my utmost potential by participating in the ‘Paranoia of Failure’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and believe in myself that I can do and become something more for me in my life through education and a career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of Failure’ so that I don’t have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself, who I am and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the point of ‘Paranoia of failure’ so that I don’t have to face myself with getting a job and support myself that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trap myself’ through participating in Paranoia of Failure through not moving in any other direction in my life but failure – in self-interest, to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my studies as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within my process.

Whenever I see that I am using the excuse of my studies to not take responsibility for myself in my process, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to be self-honest about what I can do in my day, and not accept anything less but that. I commit myself to remind myself to be self-honest about what I have time to do and what not within my day.

Whenever I see that I am falling back into not putting enough work or ‘right down not doing’ what is necessary to do so that I am successful at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it serves no purpose that I fail at my studies and life - and that I must support myself to be successful at anything I do in order to live my utmost potential.

Whenever I see that I participate in laziness or I don’t push myself enough within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I must push myself – that there are no valid excuses to not do all I can do to be successful at my studies. Within this, I commit myself to push myself at my studies as much as I am able to - so that I may live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to remind myself of my purpose in this life, of the reasons why I study – so that I don’t ‘get lost’ in any way but instead push myself even to greater extents so that I may become more in this life.

Day 91: Delay Lame

I have seen that when I am facing a task that is done over a long period of time, like preparing for an exam, I think I have a lot of time and then I procrastinate or not work effectively -- so I am using the excuse of having a lot of time in order to allow myself to not apply myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in taking the best route to complete a task effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dwell in thoughts and imagination whenever I face an unusually big task, instead of doing what I've proven to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have a lot of time to do a task, then I don't have to worry about getting a task done.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to review my effectiveness at doing tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that 'somehow' things will 'work out' whenever I am facing a task that it is not due immediately -- instead of seeing that unless I put in the time and effort it will be unlikely that it I will do it effectively.

Whenever I see that I am going into imagination and thinking about how I will do a task and how it will work out, I stop and I breathe. I realise that I have to consider tasks practically and start doing what works, and then change as necessary for more effectiveness.

I commit myself to work on the basis of results, where I deliberately disregard what doesn't work and apply what does work, so that I can specify my application more every time.

Whenever I see that I am thinking about a task, trying to 'sort it out' or 'make a plan' in my head, I stop and I breathe. I realize that thinking a plan of action is not effective, as I might leave things out and not consider everything as it is, as it is easier to make up excuses in my mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see I have to plan and work out how I will be able to do a task, write it out so that I can see in front of myself everything and make sure that I don't deceive myself but that I take the most effective direction.

Whenever I see that I am not taking myself seriously within a task due to having seemingly 'a lot of time', I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is only a excuse to not put myself to work. The excuse of 'having a lot of time' is a trap so that I don't use my time effectively, in the belief that I have a lot of it.

I commit myself to disregard the fallacy thought of 'I have a lot of time' and instead organize myself effectively to use the time that I have.

Whenever I see that I am not effective in doing a task, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no point in not doing a task effectively and wasting time - so I breathe and push myself to work effectively.

Whenever I see that I am going into my mind as thoughts and imagination, trying to work out how to do a task without any specific planning method, I stop and I breathe - I realize that I am wasting my time when I could instead apply what I find that works and simply do the task.

Day 71: Getting to Know All Things

With enough time and resources one can research anything and then get to understand something that at first sight seem impossible to descipher.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time on doing activities that are not prioritary in my day before doing what comes first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of doing the things that I have to do by avoiding doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give importance to the things I have to do in a day instead of doing them and moving on.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't really want to be all my life distracting myself to prevent me from doing something I consider I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare to do all the things I see I must be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger for deliberately not doing what I see I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some tasks as difficult - instead of seeing that with enough time and patience much can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent whenever I don't understand something - instead of going into the nitty gritty details of what it is I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough background knowledge on a subject to understand a specific piece of that subject - instead of moving myself to study the subject from the ground up so that I can understand the what is being presented.

Whenever I see that I am reluctant to take on a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the sooner I walk the task - the more time I will have to work on any problems that I may aruse - and thus increase my success rate.

Whenever I see that I resist doing a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that no matter how difficult a point presents itself to be - I can study all of it - and thus I see/realize/understand the point is not the problem but the unwillingness to study it.

Day 56: Maintaining the Commitment

 

I missed 5 days of writing - last time I missed 7 days - This is a bit of an improvement or a big mess up again - lol. I'm Back! Not intending to miss more days, by the way.

Self forgiveness on fear of not being able to maintain my commitment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to maintain the commitment to write daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having time to write within a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a great idea or topic in order to write a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that to write a blog I only need to write it, there is no special self-experience that is needed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to write daily unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need 'inspiration' in order to write a blog or otherwise it will come out a big shit, not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to NOT write a blog in past days where I have not written.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not writing blogs instead of writing blogs daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wasting time is not important at all - that I have to do what is important first and then see that I will no longer want to waste time as 'wasting time' is merely giving into the resistance of 'not wanting to write' - and then doing nothing else that is relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there are really a few things relevant in this life and that I must not get distracted with irrelevant stuff in wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually want to waste time without seeing that I am not enjoying myself and merely trying to avoid doing the tasks that matter - thus it is best that I do the tasks that matter and move out of the 'wasting time' zone or I will die in regret and shame of what I've done with my life.

I commit myself to put my time in the stuff I see that matters - deliberately disregarding the experience of 'wasting time' as distracting myself from doing that which matters, within the realization that I don't really want to waste time because it is not a self-directive decision but a reaction to something I resist doing in self interest = thus not best for All and thus not best for Me either.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am avoiding doing a task = stop, breathe and direct myself to do it within the realization that it is what is Best to do in that moment.

Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

This Blog is a Continuation Of

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

- Read for context -

One of the traits of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' or 'motivations' is: Attention. To get attention, to be noticed - in fear of being ignored and isolated. And that's exactly what happened, through my participation in this character - I have come to mostly be by on my own - but that's nother blog. Today I saw in relation to wanting to get attention, how I am spending too much time daily on Twitter. I saw it immediately when I was at the train and saw the time there and the numbers reminded me of a user on Twitter whose name is the same numbers LOL This is how I saw I was 'possessed' in a way with twitter in wanting to get attention in getting a lot of followers - basically this trait of the character of 'Good-but-Bad Student' of not getting top-marks at school in fear that then I cannot be seen as cool and in a way be popular in the class, i.e. getting attention.

Twitter thus I used as a Backdoor to keep participating in the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character by instead of taking responsibility for myself in my studies by actually studying: Distract myself in something that I perceive I get attention from - but has no real relevance, Twitter is only a means of connecting to people but it will in no way change me - that I can only do myself by taking responsibility for my studies and my life in general like I do here - correcting the fuckups and standing up walking the solutions in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by wanting attention and instead of me giving attention to me by directing myself to take self responsibility by studying: Utilize Twitter in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself attention and utilize Twitter in the hope that I will get a lot of followers and be noticed by people around me and in a way be famous and popular.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to put in the time to 'be popular' and have success in getting a lot of followers in Twitter but not having willed to put in the time to study and help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself by squandering time during my day in irrelevant tasks that are not priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'all right' and conform with having popularity in getting a lot of followers instead of seeing that A) I can't eat from twitter and B) The 'feel good' from having a lot of followers/getting followers on Twitter I created myself and only feeds the mind and characters like 'Good-but Bad Student'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work my ass off on Twitter to get a lot of followers daily instead of working my ass off in assisting myself to get through my education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave of my mind and characters in working daily to achieve hopefully a state where everyone likes me instead of me accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character by working towards creating attention towards me - not giving myself attention - in separation of myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize Twitter as a back-door to not have to walk the correction of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' in not studying enough in a day due to wasting time in stuff like Twitter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself completely in investing my time in Twitter and other tasks instead of using my time to walk the correction within my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within participating in Twitter and other tasks and not walking studying effectively = judge myself as not capable to study effectively without giving me the opportunity to apply myself to the best of my ability in every moment.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to explore and expand myself within my studies by placing all the attention I am giving to Twitter and other no-priority tasks back to myself and my education - using my resources as time and attention to what is best for me first - in the context of what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put all the time I can in studying to be very successful without seeing/realizing and understanding that this will inevitably lead to frustration and anger within myself when I come face to face with reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to upgrade the character 'Good-but-Bad Student' by striving to get very high marks at school and then getting attention for it, feeding my Ego as characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the mind works in polarity and that I can jump from a negative experience to a positive one and I am still feeding the mind within my participation in Energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good when I study - otherwise I feel bad and want to run away and do stuff like Twitter to feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get 'my fix' of energy by getting very high marks at school - without seeing/realizing/understanding that this is merely a jump from 'negative' to 'positive' experience where I keep enslaved in my mind and that most probably BEFORE I reach such a position I will have long given up because I will have ran out of Energy long before I can fill up again in getting high marks because it takes time - thus

I see, realize and understand that participating in the mind as the characters like 'Good-but-Bad Student' will not in any way help me studying because if it were true I would not find myself in the position that I am in of constant failure - thus I commit myself to whenever I see I am running projections of the future in my mind like wanting to be famous on Twitter or at School = I stop, breathe and direct myself to stick to practicality on reality Here, directing what it is that I have to do to become effective in the Real World, that is here that I can touch and not in my mind where I Loose (Illus-ion)

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am not Here directing myself Practically in every moment of breath in doing a task that will accumulate in a result that is best for Me in the context of what is Best for All = I stop, breathe and see that I am again wanting to serve the god of the Mind as characters - so I take the attention back to me in walking the tasks that assist and support me practically until I no more give my attention to false gods.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going in my mind of projections of fame, attention and acceptance within my environment I stop, breathe and move myself to love me in doing that which is best to assist and support myself to live effectively.

I commit myself to walk within my education unconditionally in not giving up within the realization that if I give up or slack-off within myself and my education: I will have to live with that.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am not playing a game when I decide to not support myself - it is self-abuse, it is giving up self-responsibility and it is unacceptable to not stand up for myself when I have all the support available.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am being measured by what I do with the breaths that I've been given - not seeing/realizing and understanding that doing anything less than assisting myself to be able to support All Life effectively is the most honorable thing me or anyone on Earth can do - and that the time for doing that is limited and every action is consequential.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into fear, frustration, impatience, excuses in my mind, justifications and any other mind-movement = stop, breathe and remind myself that I can for a moment breathe here and continue in my application effectively.

To be Continued

________________________________________

Artwork By: Andrew Gable  www.andrewgable.com
An Artists Journey To Life
_________________________________________