Day 106: Tiredness by Beliefs

Sleep, almost with a little bending of the L you can get 'Sheep'. Sleep control and what the media has tried to indoctrinate of us to sleep - of which there is a cool video Hangout here. I won't go into that but instead into how I have manipulated myself into acting differently when I have not had too much sleep/enough sleep. So last night I did not have a lot of sleep but about half of what I should have slept, and then in the afternoon I was not effectively working on math problems as effectively as I did the day before when I had more sleep. What is interesting is that later in the afternoon, when I finished the math classes, I was full of energy. So it means that I was manipulating myself to not perform/apply myself as effectively because of beliefs that if I am tired then I cannot operate/function effectively - that if I have not slept enough one night then it has to affect my ability to direct my day and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have not slept as much as I usually sleep or if I have slept only a little = that I will not be able to be effective at mind-work related tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that it is only if I participate in the mind that I am 'slow and dull' and that I am 'here' and alert when I am Here as breath, even if I have not slept the usual amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose myself the limitation of not being able to direct my day and responsibilities effectively in participating in the belief that = if I do not sleep the required hours the day before = the next day I will not be able to 'function' properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of walking moment by moment, pre-design my experience within my day by believing that I will automatically be tired if I have not slept the amount of hours I normally sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not delving and doing the stuff that I find difficult with the excuse that I am tired - when in fact I am immediately aware and prepared to do any other activity, which reveals that - in that moment - I am not really limited by not having slept the regular amount of hours.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see for myself if I am really tired and need to have a rest or if I can walk my responsibilities - and according to this - walk my day.

Whenever I see that I am putting excuses to not do some activities but can do others easily, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in excuses and self-limitation by avoiding walking my responsibilities.

I commit myself to disregard excuses that 'I am tired' and instead assess if I can do an activity in the moment.

I commit myself to assess the real physical condition of my body and see if I am making up an experience with my mind where I am not effective or if I really need to stop and rest if possible.

I commit myself to make the necessary arrangements to be able to provide my body with the neccessary support in terms of sleep and eat so that I dont have to put unnecessary stress on it.

I commit myself to identify and stop whenever I am participating in excuses to not engage and walk my responsibilities effectively.

I commit myself to walk my day/responsibilities without a preconceived idea of the state that my mind and body will be in based in how much I have slept - but instead assess the state of my body in the moment and act accordingly by taking common sense practical decisions that consider my body and without allowing self-limitation of the mind such as believes that I must be tired.

Day 86: Don't Fall for Excuses and Justifications

There has been a month or so that I have not written here, now that I look at it I see there is really no excuse not to write, because I can see the time-allocations that were many where I could have written. This is then about discipline and this includes not letting me avoid responsibilities with using excuses. 

One of the excuses was that I had to study first and then I would write afterwards - I have then manipulated myself into not doing studying or writing, wich is absolutely not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not write the blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid studying and use this as an excuse to also not write the blog - without seeing that I can write my blog about why I am not studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do my responsibilities instead of pushing myself within self-discipline to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize conditions to write a blog - instead of doing it wherever in the day it is possible for me to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities with the blog and studies despite seeing what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to respect myself within directing myself in doing my responsibilities of blogging and studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all the days that I don't write I am sabotaging myself instead of assisting myself.

Whenever I see that excuses are coming up to not write the daily blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that not writing is self-sabotage and that I can choose this compromise or to support me.

I commit myself to write every day.

Whenever I see that I am not studying when I should do it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and that deliberately not doing it is self-dishonest.

I commit myself to study every day.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that now that I am aware of my self-dishonesty I can change it and direct myself within discipline and support myself instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not taking responsibility for myself during my day = to change in the moment to do the task that is required.

Day 75: Excuses to Not Write

The Problem

When faced with writing a blog, use the excuse of 'wanting it to be perfect' to then judge what I am writing as insufficient - to give up. It is a simple self-deception to be able to give up that accumulates in a lot of time lost and eroding self-trust, self-direction and self movement - all to not want to take responsibility for myself or to want to hold into some other point of self interest.

Solution

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of 'wanting the blog to be perfect' to judge what I write as 'not perfect'/'Insufficient' to then have an excuse to not write and thus give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give excuses to sabotage myself into not writing - within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself unconditionally in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'give up' on myself by not writing - instead of seeing that I am merely compounding consequence for myself and that I will have to inevitably face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest innecesary consequence for myself by procrastinating/not doing a task into completion - as that makes it harder having to repeat it/start again - and waste time.

Whenever I see I want to not take responsibility for myself and instead cover it up as 'wanting to write a perfect blog', I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is merely the construct of 'wanting to to give up while looking good' and that it may 'feel good' for a moment to procrastinate - but then it doesn't pay as I don't change and still have do it all over again, with the additional difficulty of having failed in the past and knowing I have wasted time.

Reward

To support myself in writing, thus avoiding having to go into innecessary repetitions/time-loops and instead expanding, being able to do more and more effectively, being proud of myself, building self-trust and self-direction one day at a time, one blog at a time. Also, avoid unnecessary guilt/turmoil for not doing what I see I have to do in common sense to support myself - which is a self-manipulation anyway for not standing up for myself and changing.
_________________
Art by Andrew Gable

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Continuation Of Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

First day and I am fairly satisfied with how I have directed myself in studying. Although I wanted to do more! - I see as if going to sleep without being satisfied with how much of school work or other tasks done is a failure - while if I look back further I see a huge improvement or at least the tedency is 'positive' meaning that I am doing more lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of not being satisfied with how much studying I have done during the day to 'give up' and not continue with doing the other tasks that I have left in my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in giving up if I don't reach an amount of studying that I thought I had to be able to do in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make studying harder for myself by having expectations of how should I do it and how long it has to take.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to apply myself in education within Patience - in seeing/realizing/understanding that then it is inevitable - if I have patience and never give up - that I finally get somewhere - rather than giving up - because then I miss the opportunity and have to time-loop until I have Patience enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time during my day in tasks that are not relevant when I have exams near - sabotaging myself to give me excuses to give up in not performing as I know I could have performed in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'perform' and 'act' as if I am studying during my day, displaying all the books and cool school material on the table and then = not focus on it and waste time in other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag myself through my day with the books up and down without sitting with myself and really getting on and taking on what it is that I have to do to be effective the day of the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly want to hold on the character of 'good-but-bad student' by sitting in front of the study material but not willing myself to study effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give excuses and justifications in case I don't pass the exam like saying that 'well I did study but I wasted a lot of time' - not seeing/realizing/undrestanding that this is unacceptable and that if I do fail I will have to keep my mouth shut and walk the correction - not giving excuses to feed my Ego as self-image that I am capable of passing the exam BUT I did not put myself to study enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X for interrupting me while I study or by wasting my time of study in asking me for things or talking to me instead of realizing that it is me that allows me to be distracted and that I can in fact direct myself to not participate in distractions and that it is unacceptable to blame others for me being irresponsible.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I can in every moment of breath direct myself to be Here and study whatever it is that I have to study and that I cannot blame anyone but me if I don't do so.

I commit myself to stop blaming X or others for not taking responsibility for myself by reminding myself that as well as it is my responsibility when I don't pass the exams it is my responsibility when I pass the exams - and that I will be satisfied with myself if I apply myself to the best of my ability.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will never arrive by seeing that this time I waste thinking is one less moment I have to push myself through with my education and more over if I allow myself to be directed by this thoughts - within this realization I commit myself to when I see I am thinking of the future within education - both 'good' and 'bad' - I stop, breathe and realize it's not real - only an image in my mind that sometimes presents itself as good and positive and other times as bad and negative - and that both are not real but self-delusions that I can only see - (which is very scary if you look at it - to be directed by such a thing).

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into the mind and directing myself to do other tasks that are not studying or that I am not being Here breathing and directing myself effectively within my studies: I stop, take a breath, realize that I can drag my books around until I die without passing the course - and then put myself to study whatever the hell it is I have to study - lol -

To Continue Next Day