Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

About a year ago, some of us started with a series about 'Paranoia' which you can read more about in the many JTL blogs/vlogs. In my case I choose to do Paranoia of Failure because of my experience with Failure.  I did not start at the same time and until now I have not adressed it. Why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure?

The first thing that comes up as a reaction is an excuse - that I was studying/doing exams -- but I have had many hours and days where I had the time to write the blogs on paranoia of failure and yet I did not. If time was not a problem, why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure? Because then I would have to change. If I expose and unravel how I participate in the point of Failure from the starting point of self-interest, then I will have to stop it, or otherwise I will be exposed as abuser - and therefore its 'easier' to simply not investigate the point.  Also, I would have to take responsibility for myself and change. I start today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, so that I don't have to change by taking responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the point of paranoia of failure so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve in self-complacency by continuing to not take responsibility for the point of paranoia of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to not take responsibility for myself despite knowing what to do - thus being deliberate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider myself or others in not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue living in self-deception by not investigating the patterns of failure that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can avoid taking self-responsibility by not looking at the points that I have created to not have to take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'trap myself' by not investigating and changing and instead continuing to participate in the points of paranoia of failure - to not have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself within the point of paranoia of failure.

I commit myself to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, and take responsibility for myself within what I find.

I commit myself to correct myself practically within the points of paranoia of failure so that I stop my limitations and instead live in a way that I can develop my utmost potential.

Day 67: The Power of Persistence

I missed one day of writing and was experiencing this apathy towards supporting myself again and then the decision of not giving up and 'going back at it' emerges - and it is the solution, to keep walking regardless of the experience - giving up is the sure way to get nowhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up when experiencing apathy towards writing/ supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider giving up as an option - instead of seeing that I will inevitably have to 'get back at it' in supporting myself - or face the consequences in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to procrastinate on supporting myself - instead of seeing that self-sabotage and self compromise is non-negotiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of apathy towards supporting myself as real - without seeing the common sense implications of following apahty and giving up that are self compromise - and thus unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the experience of apathy to not have to face myself in the moment - instead of seeing the foolishnes of going against myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if apathy can come up and then go away it means it is not real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that that which I am can never go away - and that choosing to live a miserable life is a disgrace and not wanting to honour myself or others as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have become as what I do and how I experience myself at the moment = is who I am -- without investigating and doing all I can to make myself functional to support myself and all other Life forms on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself every time I give up - instead of giving myself the opportunity to change through supporting myself unconditionally.

Whenever I see that I am participating in the experience of apathy/wanting to give up, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that I must support myself practically and for this I can make a list/see what it is that I have to do and do it, step by step.

Whenever I see I want to give up, I stop and breathe. I realize that every moment of breath is an opportunity to support myself and that I have nothing more and nothing less than that - so I move myself to invest my breaths in doing activities that support myself and not the other way around.