Day 109: Back to Busy-ness

by Andrew Gable Artist

I was about to post a new blog entry when I saw that the last blog post was from 6 June 2014 which is more than a month ago. It is interesting how the mind works, and how the perception of self and time is not reliable at all. Let me explain. It does not feel like that much time has passed yet it has been two months. More than two months since I last wrote a blog and posted it. I am not saying that I have been writing blog posts in private and not posting them - that is not usually the case, if I have not been posting then it means that, well, I am not writing -- and this is unacceptable. It starts with one day of not writing, that then amounts to a month, two months -- it is not the first time that this has happened and it is not cool to say the least. It is interesting how self-perception is always better than our actual behaviour is in fact, -- it is like studying, I can do little things here and there and say I am studying but then if the day of the exam I don't peform well at all what does it say about my application = that it was insufficient. So it is the same with blogging, it doesn't matter what I think about anything, it is what it is, and the way to keep myself on track is to simply make sure I do my stuff and get the things done day by day. This is the topic of the blog that I wrote for today, and this was simply an epilogue to say -- I am sorry -- but not sorry for myself but simply to say that I have squandered time by not blogging and that I commit myself to from now on make sure I wrote as frequently as I can, daily if I can so that I dont get lost in self-perception self-deception.

Here the blog entry for today:

Recently I was working a summer job and I was very effective, even getting compliments from employers and co-workers ond my performance. Once back at home, it did not translate into being more effective at my responsibilities. Recently I have seen that this is because at the job I was doing, which was phyisical, doing food with my hands, selling food -- I could not afford to be in my mind and wandering off in thoughts for example, as it would cost me -- and did in fact cost me a cut in a finger for example. When I am at home, then I have to apply the same rules so to speak, to not allow myself to go into thoughts and instead apply self -discilpline in simply getting done what is necessary to be done -- and not believe that because I am not working at a job that I can afford to be in my mind  -- because as I have seen for myself, I am not effective if I allow myself to participate in my mind, entertain myself in my mind, sit down, sleep too much = I have to make things happen, get things done, and not allow thoughts, emotions and feelings to stop me - like I did at work thus proved I can do it everywhere.

This realization came up when I was with my cat, it was on my chest quite comfortable, and I realized that, the cat does not know what goes on in my mind, he knows me by my physical, my physical body -- and that is want counts,  I can not feed him, play with him or clean his bowl with my mind, all that counts I do with my body, so I cannot afford to pay attention to my mind for most of the time in a day, it does not matter, it matters what I do physically, the same thing that counted when I was working, it counts how many vegetables I cut, or how much pizza I sell -- the same with blogs, with getting anything done, it is not done in the mind as thoughts for example, it takes physical action -- thus this is how I can be more effective, by focusing on getting stuff done, and stopping the mind works that I allow to render me ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself convict to the con of consciousness as thoughts, feelings, emotions  by participating in them and not doing the stuff that is required to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up excuses not to do stuff, instead of walking self honesty by doing whatever it is I can do to the extent that I can, as then I don't need  excuses any more.

Whenever I see that I am giving excuses to not do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that giving excuses is not valid, as I have to see for myself wether I can do something or not practically and then there is no choice but do what I can do practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that excuses are not valid, and that I can do ALL that I can do, no more and no less -- thus I commit mysel f to do ALL I can do in my Journey to Life.

I commit myself to remind myself that no matter how bad and gloomy I see some task in my mind, it is not real, and that if I in common sense see that I can walk a task for myself, then I am able to do it and should do it until proven otherwise practically.

I commit myself to remind myself that feelings/emotions and thoughts are not real, that I should not base my decisions and actions on them .

Day 108: Why Did I Not Start the Blogs on Paranoia of Failure

About a year ago, some of us started with a series about 'Paranoia' which you can read more about in the many JTL blogs/vlogs. In my case I choose to do Paranoia of Failure because of my experience with Failure.  I did not start at the same time and until now I have not adressed it. Why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure?

The first thing that comes up as a reaction is an excuse - that I was studying/doing exams -- but I have had many hours and days where I had the time to write the blogs on paranoia of failure and yet I did not. If time was not a problem, why did I not start the blogs on paranoia of failure? Because then I would have to change. If I expose and unravel how I participate in the point of Failure from the starting point of self-interest, then I will have to stop it, or otherwise I will be exposed as abuser - and therefore its 'easier' to simply not investigate the point.  Also, I would have to take responsibility for myself and change. I start today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, so that I don't have to change by taking responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the point of paranoia of failure so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delve in self-complacency by continuing to not take responsibility for the point of paranoia of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to not take responsibility for myself despite knowing what to do - thus being deliberate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider myself or others in not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue living in self-deception by not investigating the patterns of failure that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can avoid taking self-responsibility by not looking at the points that I have created to not have to take self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'trap myself' by not investigating and changing and instead continuing to participate in the points of paranoia of failure - to not have to take responsibility for myself and change.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself within the point of paranoia of failure.

I commit myself to investigate the point of paranoia of failure, and take responsibility for myself within what I find.

I commit myself to correct myself practically within the points of paranoia of failure so that I stop my limitations and instead live in a way that I can develop my utmost potential.

Day 103: Me

I have been listening to this song by Joao Jesus called 'She' - which is awesome - but it got me thinking that, hey, I can be awesome too - just that I have to put myself to it. SO I did some general self forgiveness to get me moving to go  study math, and here is what I did:

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to believe in me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust in my capabilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrain myself into not voicing myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself into walking the practical application of the potential I see in myself of what I can be and become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to become more by having patience with me to walk with myself through the necessary processes

I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the urgency that I must stand up
for myself, yet I must slow down in order to speed up

To be continued in the next post.

* You can donwload 'She' here, for free

Lyrics:

She,
She is like a light in a dark room
With curly hair to fight away the gloom
You’ve never seen such care

She won’t stop until she gets it done
Even a horse she can outrun
And she can be quite fun

She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger
She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger

She,
She has traveled across the stars
Although she barely can drive a car
She can get to where you are

In just one single breath
She can see beyond death
And show you how to be free

She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger
She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger

I hope you get the chance
To meet her for a dance

She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger
She is a Life lover
She is such a nice hugger

I hope you get the chance
To meet her for a dance

-

Thanks to JJ for the awesome Music!

Day 93: Missing The Stop

I was at the bus at night and it was full of people and a bit hot inside, and I thought that the stop would be one that I know but it was an assumption since I do not usually take that specific bus. I distracted myself with opening the windows and then at some point realized it was taking too long - I had missed my stop and had to wait 30 minutes more for the bus to come round his route and pass again at my stop. 

This reminds me of me not making sure that I reach my goals by putting in the necessary work and instead hope that the reality outside will match my inner reality where I can imagine how things will be -- but reality showed me otherwise, the stop wasn't the one that I imagined would be and I missed it because I hoped that I would see the signs that indicate that the bus was approaching my stop -- but because I did not know the route beforehand, we did not pass through were I thought we would so I was clueless all the time that I had missed my stop, until we were very far from it. I could have prevented this by looking out the window and/or asking. 

On a side note, that was curious - I was talking to the driver and at some point, he said that he utilizes all the senses to drive, but the one that he uses more is the vision. I should use it more.

I forgive myselfthat I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions in where my stop is instead of asking or being attentive to where the bus is going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with the windows and the air inside the bus, without being aware of the route of the bus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hope that I will see the bus stop - without putting myself to look out of the window/asking effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and and allowed myself to trust my imagination of what I thing the future will look like, instead of seeing with my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with the people at the bus - without keeping an eye to the stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I see when the bus approach my stop in the assumption that the bus would take the route that I am used to during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override the common sense that unless I look for my stop, I won't see it.

Whenever I see that I make assumptions in my mind about the future such as what the bus stop will be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to check everything I am not certain of, that assumptions are just that - assumptions -.

I commit myself to check the facts whenever I see that I make an assumption.

Whenever I see that I hope the future having a specific outcome, I stop and I breathe. I realize that hope will not make things happen, only my actions can create the outcome, and I have to make sure that I walk the necessary actions to force that outcome.  

Whenever I see that I am distracted in irrelevant things, I stop and I breathe. I realize, see and understand that I have to see where I am going, that unless I direct where I am going I will create unnecesary consequence for myself.

I commit myself to see with my physical eyes and in common sense where it is that I am going - both in terms of my movement in this physical reality and in my future.

Day 86: Don't Fall for Excuses and Justifications

There has been a month or so that I have not written here, now that I look at it I see there is really no excuse not to write, because I can see the time-allocations that were many where I could have written. This is then about discipline and this includes not letting me avoid responsibilities with using excuses. 

One of the excuses was that I had to study first and then I would write afterwards - I have then manipulated myself into not doing studying or writing, wich is absolutely not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not write the blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid studying and use this as an excuse to also not write the blog - without seeing that I can write my blog about why I am not studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do my responsibilities instead of pushing myself within self-discipline to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize conditions to write a blog - instead of doing it wherever in the day it is possible for me to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities with the blog and studies despite seeing what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to respect myself within directing myself in doing my responsibilities of blogging and studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all the days that I don't write I am sabotaging myself instead of assisting myself.

Whenever I see that excuses are coming up to not write the daily blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that not writing is self-sabotage and that I can choose this compromise or to support me.

I commit myself to write every day.

Whenever I see that I am not studying when I should do it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and that deliberately not doing it is self-dishonest.

I commit myself to study every day.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that now that I am aware of my self-dishonesty I can change it and direct myself within discipline and support myself instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not taking responsibility for myself during my day = to change in the moment to do the task that is required.