Day 101: Do or Die

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog. I made excuses in my mind such as having to come up with a specific blog that I have to write since a long time ago, and basically because I was not writing that blog I was not posting anything else.

It is the same with missing class with a private tutor that I attend, because I did not want to show up without having done a task we started, and when I finally decide to go regardless of not having this task done and simply attending with the intention to do the task there, it turns out that we do another thing. So I will still have time to do the other task by myself.

So, excuses are lame and that is that. You either take responsibility for you - and me for me - or you don't. And that is something I can live in every moment of breath, with taking practical decisions.

Another example is the task of walking my lesson of the DIP course, where I avoided it completely and today put myself to it and to my surprise, I enjoyed reading the lesson - and I've seen for myself once more that not applying myself is accepting and allowing myself to live and continue living in utmost limitation and fear - that is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not have to take responsibility for myself in writting blogs and with studiyng and other tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life without giving myself direction as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself by not applying myself as self-responsibility in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay attention to the excuses that I make up in my mind to not direct myself - without realizing that I then pay with the wasting away of my life/time on earth and other consequences that manifest with me not taking responsibility for myself.

Whenever I see that I come up with an excuse in my mind to not walk/do a task, I stop and I breathe, I realize the inevitable that I take responsibility for myself and therefore I stop the thought and continue with doing the task.

I commit myself to me and disregard all distractions/excuses and instead walk my responsibilities within and as steadfastness. I see/realize and understand that participating in procrastination is a time and opportunity waster.

Whenever I see that I am not appling myself as self-direction in my life, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have proven myself in the past that I can take responsibility for myself in walking tasks dilligently - so I put myself to work on the practical tasks of taking responsibility for me and my life.

I commit myself to give myself direction as self-responsibility in self-honesty in every moment of breath.

To continue in the next post

Day 95: Studying Transformed

Today I have been a bit anxious because I have realized that I have to step up my level of math and other subjects of university, and that unless I really go for it I simply won't be able to pass at the rate of one course per year.  Looking at the past, I have always at about this time of the summer planned of preparing myself for next year, but I never ended doing it, I always distracted myself throughout summer. At the same time, in the past I used to isolate myself and avoid doing much with the excuse of having to study. All this has not worked, so I have to find a way of being able to dedicate myself daily to study and also do other stuff. Also I see that I have linked 'studying' with 'not fun' when I have not really delved into studying to see if I really enjoy it or not. Certainly I have enjoyed some parts of chemistry this last course, but I have not yet gone into math aside from starting the basics at Khan Academy, to build from the base up - and certainly too I have enjoyed it -- so nothing to fear!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge math and chemistry as 'not fun' when I have the proof where I can see instances where I did enjoy studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe advanced math and chemistry will not be as fun as basic ones.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to guide myself through the material that I have to study in order to become effective at the subjects required.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can give to myself the gift of a solid base in the subjects that I will study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to want to hold onto the prejudices/judgements I have about me and the subjects I have to study in order to avoid doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the beliefs that I have about me and my capabilities at the subjects are real.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not see that unless I put myself to study effectively I will not know what I can do or how it will be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be curious about exploring the subjects of math, chemistry and others - in depth - so that I can see for myself how cool it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepadventure/self discovery.

ted and allowed myself to see studying as a chore instead of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studying has to be easy or otherwise I can give up and judge it as difficult - without seeing that I can expand my capabilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge studying as dull.

To be continued in the next Blog.

Day 89: The Failer

In the past I have always reacted to my own failures, where I would become angry and frustrated whenever I failed at something such as an exam, instead of seeing that I created the situation myself. Seeing that I created the situation is one step to then sort it out, because if I merely react and blame anything outside of myself, I give my power away to that which I blame. Most of the times that I failed despite having the time and resources to not fail are an indicator that I chose to fail and thus it must be investigated, this weird self-sabotage system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I did not create failure = to not have to take responsibility for myself within that in which I apparently failed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate my environment by 'selectively failing' so that I can get what I think I can't get in any other way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inadequate whenever I fail, instead of seeing the situation for what it is, investigating it and defusing it with the tools available - so that I don't waste my time/life on failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situations where I failed, without realizing that it was me who designed the situation in the past -- as I design my experience of me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate, correct and let go of the design of failure in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with failure, instead of assisting and supporting myself to expand myself to see what is possible to do/live in this world within the principle of doing that which is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to cycles of failure, having to do things many times unnecesarily - and at the same time enslaving all others by not using my time effectively to find solutions to the atrocities happening in the world on a daily basis.

Whenever I see that I am designing a situation where I fail, I stop and I breathe, I realize the absurdity/unnecessarity of the situation, and the abuse that it cause to me and others as me, so I stop and instead walk in common sense.
I commit myself to walk my day commonsensically, making sure that what I do produces an outcome that is that is supportive.

Whenever I see that I am judging myself based on the past situations where I failed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, that I created those situations where I failed, and that I have to take responsibility and investigate applying the tools of writing, self forgiveness and practical application to the point where it does not affect me anymore. I commit myself to investigate the failures in my past so that I can stop it from conditioning my future.

To be continued in the next blog.

Day 53: The Show Must Go ON

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up and not be able to continue delivering quality work at school and in my life in general in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not 'living up to' the expectations of others that see how 'well' I am doing in my life and at school - in fear that I will be disregarded if I can't deliver/be consistent in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit myself to change myself and push myself in what I do daily because that means giving up self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on in self interest to being defective and irregular in my application - to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by participating in fear of not being able to continue my application in self discipline forever.

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to within self interest participate in fear of 'being in the spotlight' where some see that I am effective in what I do and thus then I am accountable for what I do within them being able to see if I 'hold back' and go back to self-destructing habits of irresponsible behaviour - and thus this forces myself to have to keep pushing myself to continue walking effectively or otherwise I'd be exposed as self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accountability in self interest to not put myself in a place where I am held accountable for what I do because then I'd have to change or be exposed as a fraud and a cheat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I am being held accountable for what I do in every moment of breath as every moment of breath is mathematically measurable within the equation of accumulation as what is Best for All and thus there is no way to escape from this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider as an option not doing what is Best for All - in the delusion that a path of self-interest is ever possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that walking for this one life that I have been given in the path of self interest has no value at all within seeing/realizing and understanding that such a path is not and never was viable in the first place but a test to see who each one is in having been given total free choice where one can do during one life either that which is Best for All or not, which says in fact ,much about who one is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that - in essence - every day is the same within the realization that it is within the repetition of application in various tasks that I get the results necessary for me to live an effective life and that I don't have to expect from me more than doing my best in every moment of breath - which is easier when being here as Breath, and not up there somewhere participating in the mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see that during my day I jump into projections/desires/hopes and or fear of the future = I Stop, breathe and realize I am fear-mongering myself within my mind to terrorize myself in self intersest to not walk commonsensically here in the daily tasks that I have to do - thus I re-align myself as breath and direct myself to walk such tasks effectively.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am 'backing up' and 'avoiding' facing myself in my daily tasks - stop, breathe and push myself to do my best in every moment of breath - within the realization, and reminding myself that not doing my best in every moment in all I do is to hold onto self-interest to not change to a version of me that is trustworthy to Always act in ways that are Best for All.

- Picture Artwork by: Kelly Posey

Day 52: Write Daily (OR DIE)

It's been a week since I last posted here. Many excuses that I can think of but no excuses are valid because of my agreement to walk this journey to life is to write daily. So I here re-commit myself and forgive myself for having sabotaged myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to my decision of writing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put the blame for not writing outside of myself in blaming imaginary forces - not seeing I am the real force, as the beginning and end of movement within myself happens with my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into giving up instead of motivating myself act in ways that are/will result in what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself in self interest to not have to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself deliberately in acting in ways that make me feel ashamed of myself - in self interest to not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live without shame in every moment.

I commit myself to deliberately act in ways that I will not be ashamed of myself for.

I commit myself to motivate myself to act in ways that I can be proud of myself for doing, and that is to do my best within the principle of what is Best for All at all times.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in the emotion of overwhelmingness or fear, remind myself that it is me creating this experience, it is not real and I can stop it in a moment and walk past the experience and not look back.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am about to or planning to sabotage myself into doing something that I will be ashamed for in order to give up self responsibility in self interest - stop, see what it is that I was planning and forgive myself to then redirect myself to live free of guilt and shame.

Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

We did a multiple-choice test that gave the results of the exam immediately. When I was doing it I thought of, and even said to the teacher,  how it is possible to utilize the exam's questions to solve other questions within the exam. I got excited when seeing that and distracted myself from being Here doing the exam. After a while when I was still doing it, I heard how most of the class were not passing the exam and I went into fear that the teacher might have put 'traps' somehow in the questions where, even if I saw some answers as correct they may not be so.
I revised it and changed some of the of my answers in fear that there was maybe some 'traps' that I didn't consider. In wanting to check too much the exam I got all the questions erased because my user within the system got logged off while I was still doing the test. Because the exam was multiple choice on a computer, the teacher said that I had to restart the test but there was only less than 10 minutes left on the test time counter. I was shocked at his request because suddenly I had to answer 48 answers that took me more than an hour in less than 10 minutes. Clearly I did not have enough time - so I reacted saying that I could not get to the last question in that time but still, the teacher said to do it. So I did ran through the questions but time ran out at about the middle of the test, and then the teacher said that I could restart it all again once more, and this time I had more time -  lol

What happened for this to manifest? First of all when the teacher first spoke about inconsistencies of the computers with the test I asked for a paper test that he had offered. But he said to wait a bit more while the computer was loading - so I started doing it on the computer. I should have insisted on the paper because clearly I have to walk on solid ground with my tests and not take risks. I see here I am blaming the teacher for my experience and that it is not valid because I accepted to do it in the computer despite knowing and having been warned of the risks/events in where someone had to repeat the test. The teacher said that if I did the test on paper it would take a while before he corrected it and instead of trusting myself that I don't need to know at the moment the marks - I agreed to proceed with the computer test. Also I feared him not 'liking me' if I insisted on the paper test as it adds workload. Everyone was doing the test in the computer so I saw myself as 'watering down the party' if I was going to do it on paper. Not wanting to be noticed.

Then the fear: All or most of the changes I made in the exam were in self-doubt and in fear, it was not commonsensical to change a response that I had triple-checked because of a fear that the exam has traps. In doing that I was in fact going against myself, because I had said to myself that I would not re-do the answers when I decide on them in the test. If I had considered it may have traps I should have assessed again all the answers within a question and take a decision, not simply want to change my response from the one I saw as obvious or the one that was correct to another choice that I had left unchecked, because I was doing that in a BELIEF that there were traps and that all answers I saw as 'obvious/right' might not be the ones that are correct. 

The consequences of wanting to try and 'beat the system' by looking within the exam for concepts that are correct in order to answer new questions within the test lead me to consume some time more than necessary and it added up to the point were that I had to restart the test two times instead of answering the questions and getting the results. When I am doing an exam it's not the time to 'reinvent the wheel' but to get it done as effectively as possible and on time. If I see that if I am finishing the last one - by a difference - it means that I have to check if I am participating in some sort of backchat and not being here effectively - because if I did not know some questions I could have left it 'blank' and finish the exam in time with all the others.

Why did I judge as relevant that most were getting low marks? The way I reacted to others getting low marks comes from the definitions of 'difficult' wherein I believe I can trust or use as a reference someone's view of a subject through judgement like 'it's very difficult,' and would also even ask for someone's opinions in that matter asking if that or that subject is difficult/they found it difficult instead of seeing that I can't rely on someone judging something as difficulty within studies because it generally is an excuse to blame something outside of oneself when not having studied effectively, to not have to change oneself but blame the subject or teacher for the results self manifested instead of taking self responsibility and correct oneself.

 
To be Continued