Day 110: No One Can Stop Me But Myself

Continuing on Day109: Back to Busy-ness, I will expand doing self forgiveness on the following realization: I cannot give up on myself because I have no one else to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by not writing the blogs whenever I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself whenever I use excuses to not direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself whenever I don’t believe in myself/trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take care of myself by not writing about whatever it is that ‘is bothering me’ at the end of my day.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself through writing blogs consistently every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to write a blog every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake when writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when I fear to make a mistake writing a blog.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my words, written or spoken.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself to go out of my comfort zone and do the very things that I resist doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is comfort in procrastination and inactiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that no one can prevent me from writing but myself.

Whenever I see that I am dwelling in the perceived comfort of procrastination, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the experience is not real, but an energy-stimulated experience that is irrelevant to anything real – thus I commit myself to immediately move myself to snap out of the ‘comfort zone’ and instead go into the ‘challenging zone’ where I move past my own perceived limitations.

Whenever I see that I am giving up on myself by not directing myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that every breath counts, so I must make the most of it. I commit myself to utilize my time on earth to my utmost potential within each and every breath.

Whenever I see that I put up excuses to not write a blog in a day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that using excuses reveals that I am not being self-honest. I commit myself to whenever I see I am making up excuses, evaluate in self-honesty whether I can practically in space-time write a blog or not and act accordingly.

Whenever I see that I doubt myself when writing or when I am about to write a blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have no other way but to trust myself that I can write an acceptable blog. I commit myself to trust myself in writing daily.

Day 94: Stars Aligned - Start a Line

Today has been quite a 'ride' because I have both passed the course of Environmental Chemistry that I have been doing the past few years and also have decided to start at university Agricultural Engineering. This is some self-forgiveness on jumpiness/overexcitement - lol - and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I give or receive 'good news'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition for having passed at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to risk not passing at my studies by studying at the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have passed, somehow I have won.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the point of having passed, instead of seeing that it is merely an opportunity to keep walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I rejoice/indulge too much in the experience of having passed that I forget to apply myself effectively in continuing my studies at university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I go into 'shock' somehow and forget to direct myself effectively in my reality now that I have passed at my studies.

Whenever I see that I am not here as breath when communicating with others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that my point of stability is within breathing.

I commit myself to remain within self-stability by applying myself within breathing.

Whenever I see that I want recongizion from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can give to myself recognition, so I investigate where it is that I don't recognize myself.

I commit myself to investigate the instances where I want to obtain recognition form others, to give to myself that which I place out there, outside of myself.

Whenever I see that I participate in procrastination within my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that procrastination will lead to consequence, therefore I stop and direct myself in common sense.

I commit myself to direct me in my reality within common sense as what is Best for All.

Whenever I see that I am participating in 'positive' energy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that positive experiences as energy are a polarity of negative. Both are not real.

I commit myself to breathe through the positive experiences, and investigate them in writing to ground myself so that I don't fool myself within energy delusions.

Whenever I see that I become obsessed about the past of having passed, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the past is gone, both for what was a 'good experience' and what was a 'bad experience' according to me - and thus only have what is here to work with. Within this, I commit myself to remain here as breath, directing myself within physical stability in common sense and practicality.

Whenever I see that I fear over-rejoicing for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is cool to celebrate, although I must keep walking within common sense, to not unnecessarily distract myself from what is here to do in every moment to live effectively.

I commit myself to consider in every moment what it is that I am participating in, to make sure that I am grounded here as physical breathe and not somewhere up there in my mind as energy - then I don't have to fear, because I make sure that I am Here with me in this physical reality.

Whenever I see that I fear that I go into shock for having passed at my studies, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility to remain Here as breath in every moment, that this will assist me greatly, so I apply myself within it and see that I am Here. 

Day 78: Well-Educated Character

"Prevention is ALWAYS the Best Cure" – Bernard Poolman

Problem
Wanting to appear/look like I am well-educated.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately talk in ways to project an image of myself of being well-educated and smart. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an image of myself more than my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me as dumb/failure and within this try to show the opposite by showing a façade/face of being polite/well educated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being articulate and showing knowledge on many topics means that I am superior and better. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge is important/valuable without considering who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will 'loose face' and be considered inferior if I 'slip' and make mistakes in a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that educated people are better than uneducated people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to 'prove' that I am not uneducated by opening a 'peacock tail' of knowledge within a conversation - within the fear of being considered inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will like me more if I am smart - and will like me less and be marginalized if I they believe I am stupid. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as smart and sharp, in separation of myself.

Whenever I see that I am trying to appear/look like I am well-educated and smart, I stop and breathe. I realize that knowledge without application is useless, that I am not more to KNOW something. We are all Equals as Life - there is not an animal that is more of Life than another one. Difference of humans based on knowledge is an illusion.

Reward
Not having to pretend being smart/talk in a way to be considered smart, being at ease while in the company of others, enjoying them for who they are without being busy in advertising what I know.
 
To be continued...

Day 68: If it Mathematically Works, Go For It

Taking decisions in life is not random - usually when faced with a decision we choose one thing or another depending on the accumulated effect of our actions in the past. For example, going to university. One can say that you can either decide to go or not to go but if a student has not accumulated enough skills and obviously has the money for it - then it will be impossible to go through university. Then it is relevant to calculate what will it take to be able do anything in life, in order to be prepared when faced with the decision and be able to stick to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to calculate what it takes to do what I say I want to do, and then introduce this in a schedule to do daily/as necessary.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to carefully plan and establish a daily schedule for myself in order to accumulate that which I need in my life until I have enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not prepare myself for what I say I want to do in order to give up in the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take decisions for myself in the future without preparing myself accordingly for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to walk my decisions instead of working out if it's mathematically feasible considering time and resources.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the basic laws of consequence, cause and effect - and to apply it to the goals I set for myself.

Whenever I see I want to give up I stop and breathe. I understand that to get the outcome necessary I have to input the work - so I put myself to work in the realization that it is always easier the sooner I start and it gets difficult as time passes.

Whenever I see that I go into emotional turmoil/reaction I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is very simple what I have to do: To daily walk that which accumulates to the outcome that I need. All emotional reaction thus is irrelevant and not to give attention to - but solved to walk effectively.

Whenever I see that I am projecting what I will do in the future I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only determine what I do in every moment - So I walk practically to add up to be able to in the future be prepared for what I have to do.

Whenever I see that I want to get something done in a moment I stop and breathe. I realize that it will take an accumulation of daily work for whatever time it takes to accomplish anything - so I calculate an approximate of how much will it take and walk until I get it done.

I see/realize and understand that there is no need to fear the future - because I construct the future with my actions - so I carefully plan my actions to tweak/adjust the outcome and thus in a way direct my future.

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Day 58: Let's get Real, this is not Disney

I have a kind of mug from where I drink water, and it's transparent so I had to check if it was full and yes it was, and I was glad because I was thirsty - and I had filled the mug myself previously but I wasn't sure of it. This lead me to the realization that, obviously, I am the creator of my reality. I am the provider of what I have, what I do has a direct impact on what I experience. It's like sometimes I'd like that I'd pass at school or have this or that, but WTF? if I create my reality it is delusional that I desire anything - I simply do what it takes to create that which is practical and then there it is. To create something that is practical for All, this would be to implement an Equal Money System. And for Myself first, well, the first stop/step is that I get an education, which I am currently walking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a good education and pass my exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work to get a good education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to pass my exams instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put myself to work on the things I know will support myself with, such as studying, and doing DIP and DIP Lite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a 'miracle' to save myself in making me pass exams and have a good life - out of nothing - not considering the steps required for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good life instead of working for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a job - instead of getting one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have Money instead of putting myself to work for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up writing - instead of seeing it is self-sabotage in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I commit myself to work on the solutions and stop worrying about how I feel - seeing that 'feeling' is just a veil to not see that the answer is to walk in practicality constantly here as Breath.

I commit myself to solve all my problems here in my reality by walking the Solutions that I know I have to walk so that I don't have to desire anything - to then expand into working in solving this Reality's problems.

I commit myself to stop all self-interest in desires to instead work for what is best for me in the context of what is best for all, at all times.

Day 57: Organization vs. Self-Sabotage

“Anticipate the difficult by managing the easy” - Lao Tzu 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in not organizing myself and my work effectively - rendering myself defective in self interest to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist organizing myself in a schedule  to not have to see that I have to work more - in self interest to not put myself to work effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to render myself ineffective by not effectively organize the papers for school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time in looking for papers for school in not having organized the papers in participating in laziness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the simplicity and effectiveness of being organized and organizing my stuff at school and my time in a daily schedule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself by not organizing my timetable and my papers for school effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being organized as difficult, in self interest to not have to apply myself effectively in an organized way that is measurable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being measured and seeing that I am clamorously ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that if I don't tackle the problems like being disorganized = I will continue being disorganized and ineffective in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am missing the opportunity to become really effective in not organizing myself effectively.

I commit myself to organize myself and my timetable and my school papers effectively so that is easier for me to work within my day effectively.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I feel overwhelmed by a task, I breathe and stick to simplicity to walk the point effectively one point at a time.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that once I separate any task in separate parts that I am able to do then it becomes easier and thus I must always take on the tasks point by point to walk slowly but surely every point and not give up.

I commit myself to whenever I see I want to give up a task = see if I am trying to do more at once than I am able to and then take a part that I am able to walk so that I continue doing the task to eventually complete it.

Day 56: Maintaining the Commitment

 

I missed 5 days of writing - last time I missed 7 days - This is a bit of an improvement or a big mess up again - lol. I'm Back! Not intending to miss more days, by the way.

Self forgiveness on fear of not being able to maintain my commitment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to maintain the commitment to write daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having time to write within a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a great idea or topic in order to write a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that to write a blog I only need to write it, there is no special self-experience that is needed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to write daily unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need 'inspiration' in order to write a blog or otherwise it will come out a big shit, not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to NOT write a blog in past days where I have not written.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not writing blogs instead of writing blogs daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wasting time is not important at all - that I have to do what is important first and then see that I will no longer want to waste time as 'wasting time' is merely giving into the resistance of 'not wanting to write' - and then doing nothing else that is relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there are really a few things relevant in this life and that I must not get distracted with irrelevant stuff in wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually want to waste time without seeing that I am not enjoying myself and merely trying to avoid doing the tasks that matter - thus it is best that I do the tasks that matter and move out of the 'wasting time' zone or I will die in regret and shame of what I've done with my life.

I commit myself to put my time in the stuff I see that matters - deliberately disregarding the experience of 'wasting time' as distracting myself from doing that which matters, within the realization that I don't really want to waste time because it is not a self-directive decision but a reaction to something I resist doing in self interest = thus not best for All and thus not best for Me either.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am avoiding doing a task = stop, breathe and direct myself to do it within the realization that it is what is Best to do in that moment.

Day 53: The Show Must Go ON

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up and not be able to continue delivering quality work at school and in my life in general in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not 'living up to' the expectations of others that see how 'well' I am doing in my life and at school - in fear that I will be disregarded if I can't deliver/be consistent in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to commit myself to change myself and push myself in what I do daily because that means giving up self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on in self interest to being defective and irregular in my application - to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by participating in fear of not being able to continue my application in self discipline forever.

I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to within self interest participate in fear of 'being in the spotlight' where some see that I am effective in what I do and thus then I am accountable for what I do within them being able to see if I 'hold back' and go back to self-destructing habits of irresponsible behaviour - and thus this forces myself to have to keep pushing myself to continue walking effectively or otherwise I'd be exposed as self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear accountability in self interest to not put myself in a place where I am held accountable for what I do because then I'd have to change or be exposed as a fraud and a cheat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that I am being held accountable for what I do in every moment of breath as every moment of breath is mathematically measurable within the equation of accumulation as what is Best for All and thus there is no way to escape from this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider as an option not doing what is Best for All - in the delusion that a path of self-interest is ever possible.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that walking for this one life that I have been given in the path of self interest has no value at all within seeing/realizing and understanding that such a path is not and never was viable in the first place but a test to see who each one is in having been given total free choice where one can do during one life either that which is Best for All or not, which says in fact ,much about who one is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that - in essence - every day is the same within the realization that it is within the repetition of application in various tasks that I get the results necessary for me to live an effective life and that I don't have to expect from me more than doing my best in every moment of breath - which is easier when being here as Breath, and not up there somewhere participating in the mind.

I commit myself to whenever I see that during my day I jump into projections/desires/hopes and or fear of the future = I Stop, breathe and realize I am fear-mongering myself within my mind to terrorize myself in self intersest to not walk commonsensically here in the daily tasks that I have to do - thus I re-align myself as breath and direct myself to walk such tasks effectively.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am 'backing up' and 'avoiding' facing myself in my daily tasks - stop, breathe and push myself to do my best in every moment of breath - within the realization, and reminding myself that not doing my best in every moment in all I do is to hold onto self-interest to not change to a version of me that is trustworthy to Always act in ways that are Best for All.

- Picture Artwork by: Kelly Posey

Day 52: Write Daily (OR DIE)

It's been a week since I last posted here. Many excuses that I can think of but no excuses are valid because of my agreement to walk this journey to life is to write daily. So I here re-commit myself and forgive myself for having sabotaged myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to my decision of writing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put the blame for not writing outside of myself in blaming imaginary forces - not seeing I am the real force, as the beginning and end of movement within myself happens with my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into giving up instead of motivating myself act in ways that are/will result in what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself in self interest to not have to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself deliberately in acting in ways that make me feel ashamed of myself - in self interest to not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live without shame in every moment.

I commit myself to deliberately act in ways that I will not be ashamed of myself for.

I commit myself to motivate myself to act in ways that I can be proud of myself for doing, and that is to do my best within the principle of what is Best for All at all times.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in the emotion of overwhelmingness or fear, remind myself that it is me creating this experience, it is not real and I can stop it in a moment and walk past the experience and not look back.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am about to or planning to sabotage myself into doing something that I will be ashamed for in order to give up self responsibility in self interest - stop, see what it is that I was planning and forgive myself to then redirect myself to live free of guilt and shame.

Day 51: The Fear Monger Character. Part 1

On Yesterday's blog Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

I realized today that I didn't direct the main point of self-interest in self forgiveness, which is that I was terrorizing myself with fear in order to not study, to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself with fear in self-interest to not have to take self-responsibility for myself within education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that fear is real in self interest in order to have an excuse to not take responsibility for myself within studying.


I commit myself to whenever I see that I am participating in the emotion of fear: Stop, breathe and do that which I am fearing in the understanding that there is a point of self interest behind this fear that is covering up a point I am not yet willing to take responsibility for.

That same day of last blog where during the day I was not doing school work: I started doing jokes to M. like 'scare/scary' jokes. This I've called the Fear Monger Character - wanting others to react in fear to what I do to try and make fear real so that I can have an excuse that fear apparently is to be feared - when it's only self-interest, a cover up to not take self responsibility; trying to make fear real in self-interest to utilize the fear on myself to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want M. to react in fear to things I do for me to try and make fear real  in self-interest so I can utilize fear as an excuse to not take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feed-off' energetically from M. reacting in fear to what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by making someone else react in fear equals to 'fear is real' - not seeing/realizing and understanding that someone believing fear is real does not make it real.

I see, realize and understand that fear is not real but a cover up for irresponsible, self interested-driven human beings.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am fear-mongering someone: Stop, breathe and move myself to take responsibility for myself in doing that which I am trying to escape from in fear-mongering others.

I commit myself to whenever I am fear-mongering myself: Stop, breathe and move myself to take responsibility for myself by investigating and doing that which I am trying to avoid doing.

I commit myself to investigate and correct all instances in my life where I am fear-mongering others and myself to see where I accepted and allowed self-limitation to exist in giving excuses as fear to not take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to investigate why it is that I fear some subjects like Math, Chemistry or Physics and what self-responsibility I am trying to avoid within this to then move on to forgive and correct myself to take responsibility for it.

To be Continued

Day 50: Weight of the Future Exams

During the day I was experiencing myself somehow uneasy. There was this exam scheduled for next week that I was not confident of because I had still not gone through the last assignments of the subject and I have judged them as difficult because it takes time and effort for me to solve them. Well, so instead of putting it more time during the day I wandered off from here to there not doing school work or other work I usually do in my day. Then at night I realize the exam is not scheduled until a week later than I thought and suddenly it's like this weight is no longer here. But it was never here! Yet I allowed myself to compromise myself in not directing myself to take on the subject, because I had judged it as difficult I was absurdly avoiding it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by procrastinating on studying for the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize 'being difficult' as an excuse to not study a subject regularly.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that as well as I can accumulate myself to be effective the day of the exam = I can accumulate unsolved material that can make it virtually impossible for me to go through effectively in time so that I can pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate undone homework in having judged it as difficult instead of placing time for me accumulate slowly but surely for me to be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the petrification as fear of an exam that I have not practiced enough - not seeing realizing and understanding that if I study = I still can be scared yet I will be able to pass the exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to only move myself if I don't experience fear - not seeing, realizing and understanding that I will have to go through it if it is here, even though I know it is not real - I have to walk regardless of the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put fear as an excuse in self interest to not have to face myself within school.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am 'wandering off'/procrastinating during the day: Stop, write on a paper/screen the tasks I have to do and get them done one by one in distributing time amongst the tasks and remaining here as breath as I do them.

I see, realize and understand that fearing a subject and using this fear as an excuse to not apply myself within it = is not valid.

I commit myself to push myself to get my daily study work done effectively so that I make sure that I am building the structure to pass the exams and not the other way around.

Day 48: Self-Sabotage in Comparison, Doubt and Fear

We did a multiple-choice test that gave the results of the exam immediately. When I was doing it I thought of, and even said to the teacher,  how it is possible to utilize the exam's questions to solve other questions within the exam. I got excited when seeing that and distracted myself from being Here doing the exam. After a while when I was still doing it, I heard how most of the class were not passing the exam and I went into fear that the teacher might have put 'traps' somehow in the questions where, even if I saw some answers as correct they may not be so.
I revised it and changed some of the of my answers in fear that there was maybe some 'traps' that I didn't consider. In wanting to check too much the exam I got all the questions erased because my user within the system got logged off while I was still doing the test. Because the exam was multiple choice on a computer, the teacher said that I had to restart the test but there was only less than 10 minutes left on the test time counter. I was shocked at his request because suddenly I had to answer 48 answers that took me more than an hour in less than 10 minutes. Clearly I did not have enough time - so I reacted saying that I could not get to the last question in that time but still, the teacher said to do it. So I did ran through the questions but time ran out at about the middle of the test, and then the teacher said that I could restart it all again once more, and this time I had more time -  lol

What happened for this to manifest? First of all when the teacher first spoke about inconsistencies of the computers with the test I asked for a paper test that he had offered. But he said to wait a bit more while the computer was loading - so I started doing it on the computer. I should have insisted on the paper because clearly I have to walk on solid ground with my tests and not take risks. I see here I am blaming the teacher for my experience and that it is not valid because I accepted to do it in the computer despite knowing and having been warned of the risks/events in where someone had to repeat the test. The teacher said that if I did the test on paper it would take a while before he corrected it and instead of trusting myself that I don't need to know at the moment the marks - I agreed to proceed with the computer test. Also I feared him not 'liking me' if I insisted on the paper test as it adds workload. Everyone was doing the test in the computer so I saw myself as 'watering down the party' if I was going to do it on paper. Not wanting to be noticed.

Then the fear: All or most of the changes I made in the exam were in self-doubt and in fear, it was not commonsensical to change a response that I had triple-checked because of a fear that the exam has traps. In doing that I was in fact going against myself, because I had said to myself that I would not re-do the answers when I decide on them in the test. If I had considered it may have traps I should have assessed again all the answers within a question and take a decision, not simply want to change my response from the one I saw as obvious or the one that was correct to another choice that I had left unchecked, because I was doing that in a BELIEF that there were traps and that all answers I saw as 'obvious/right' might not be the ones that are correct. 

The consequences of wanting to try and 'beat the system' by looking within the exam for concepts that are correct in order to answer new questions within the test lead me to consume some time more than necessary and it added up to the point were that I had to restart the test two times instead of answering the questions and getting the results. When I am doing an exam it's not the time to 'reinvent the wheel' but to get it done as effectively as possible and on time. If I see that if I am finishing the last one - by a difference - it means that I have to check if I am participating in some sort of backchat and not being here effectively - because if I did not know some questions I could have left it 'blank' and finish the exam in time with all the others.

Why did I judge as relevant that most were getting low marks? The way I reacted to others getting low marks comes from the definitions of 'difficult' wherein I believe I can trust or use as a reference someone's view of a subject through judgement like 'it's very difficult,' and would also even ask for someone's opinions in that matter asking if that or that subject is difficult/they found it difficult instead of seeing that I can't rely on someone judging something as difficulty within studies because it generally is an excuse to blame something outside of oneself when not having studied effectively, to not have to change oneself but blame the subject or teacher for the results self manifested instead of taking self responsibility and correct oneself.

 
To be Continued

Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

This Blog is a Continuation Of

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

- Read for context -

One of the traits of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' or 'motivations' is: Attention. To get attention, to be noticed - in fear of being ignored and isolated. And that's exactly what happened, through my participation in this character - I have come to mostly be by on my own - but that's nother blog. Today I saw in relation to wanting to get attention, how I am spending too much time daily on Twitter. I saw it immediately when I was at the train and saw the time there and the numbers reminded me of a user on Twitter whose name is the same numbers LOL This is how I saw I was 'possessed' in a way with twitter in wanting to get attention in getting a lot of followers - basically this trait of the character of 'Good-but-Bad Student' of not getting top-marks at school in fear that then I cannot be seen as cool and in a way be popular in the class, i.e. getting attention.

Twitter thus I used as a Backdoor to keep participating in the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character by instead of taking responsibility for myself in my studies by actually studying: Distract myself in something that I perceive I get attention from - but has no real relevance, Twitter is only a means of connecting to people but it will in no way change me - that I can only do myself by taking responsibility for my studies and my life in general like I do here - correcting the fuckups and standing up walking the solutions in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by wanting attention and instead of me giving attention to me by directing myself to take self responsibility by studying: Utilize Twitter in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself attention and utilize Twitter in the hope that I will get a lot of followers and be noticed by people around me and in a way be famous and popular.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to put in the time to 'be popular' and have success in getting a lot of followers in Twitter but not having willed to put in the time to study and help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself by squandering time during my day in irrelevant tasks that are not priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'all right' and conform with having popularity in getting a lot of followers instead of seeing that A) I can't eat from twitter and B) The 'feel good' from having a lot of followers/getting followers on Twitter I created myself and only feeds the mind and characters like 'Good-but Bad Student'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work my ass off on Twitter to get a lot of followers daily instead of working my ass off in assisting myself to get through my education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave of my mind and characters in working daily to achieve hopefully a state where everyone likes me instead of me accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character by working towards creating attention towards me - not giving myself attention - in separation of myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize Twitter as a back-door to not have to walk the correction of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' in not studying enough in a day due to wasting time in stuff like Twitter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself completely in investing my time in Twitter and other tasks instead of using my time to walk the correction within my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within participating in Twitter and other tasks and not walking studying effectively = judge myself as not capable to study effectively without giving me the opportunity to apply myself to the best of my ability in every moment.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to explore and expand myself within my studies by placing all the attention I am giving to Twitter and other no-priority tasks back to myself and my education - using my resources as time and attention to what is best for me first - in the context of what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put all the time I can in studying to be very successful without seeing/realizing and understanding that this will inevitably lead to frustration and anger within myself when I come face to face with reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to upgrade the character 'Good-but-Bad Student' by striving to get very high marks at school and then getting attention for it, feeding my Ego as characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the mind works in polarity and that I can jump from a negative experience to a positive one and I am still feeding the mind within my participation in Energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good when I study - otherwise I feel bad and want to run away and do stuff like Twitter to feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get 'my fix' of energy by getting very high marks at school - without seeing/realizing/understanding that this is merely a jump from 'negative' to 'positive' experience where I keep enslaved in my mind and that most probably BEFORE I reach such a position I will have long given up because I will have ran out of Energy long before I can fill up again in getting high marks because it takes time - thus

I see, realize and understand that participating in the mind as the characters like 'Good-but-Bad Student' will not in any way help me studying because if it were true I would not find myself in the position that I am in of constant failure - thus I commit myself to whenever I see I am running projections of the future in my mind like wanting to be famous on Twitter or at School = I stop, breathe and direct myself to stick to practicality on reality Here, directing what it is that I have to do to become effective in the Real World, that is here that I can touch and not in my mind where I Loose (Illus-ion)

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am not Here directing myself Practically in every moment of breath in doing a task that will accumulate in a result that is best for Me in the context of what is Best for All = I stop, breathe and see that I am again wanting to serve the god of the Mind as characters - so I take the attention back to me in walking the tasks that assist and support me practically until I no more give my attention to false gods.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going in my mind of projections of fame, attention and acceptance within my environment I stop, breathe and move myself to love me in doing that which is best to assist and support myself to live effectively.

I commit myself to walk within my education unconditionally in not giving up within the realization that if I give up or slack-off within myself and my education: I will have to live with that.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am not playing a game when I decide to not support myself - it is self-abuse, it is giving up self-responsibility and it is unacceptable to not stand up for myself when I have all the support available.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that I am being measured by what I do with the breaths that I've been given - not seeing/realizing and understanding that doing anything less than assisting myself to be able to support All Life effectively is the most honorable thing me or anyone on Earth can do - and that the time for doing that is limited and every action is consequential.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into fear, frustration, impatience, excuses in my mind, justifications and any other mind-movement = stop, breathe and remind myself that I can for a moment breathe here and continue in my application effectively.

To be Continued

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Artwork By: Andrew Gable  www.andrewgable.com
An Artists Journey To Life
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Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

This is a continuation of:  Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

For more context see: Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

On Day 42 I was walking the Self Forgiveness on what I had been realizing during the that day, where I was seeing how in the class I was being the one that replies the most to the teacher and from there I saw that I did this to prove a point that I was able to take on the course so that if I failed then I would not be judged as stupid. But there was something more, and it was the why I would after the first stages of the course, step down to become ineffective studying? Then I saw in a moment as I was walking the self forgiveness in writing how it was related to bullying and how it is a protection mechanism and a way for me to instead of being rejected - being liked. Fearing that if I get good grades I will be looked at as uncool and someone that others in the class don't see as someone to hang around but more of a nerd. When I started doing self forgiveness on the bullying I started crying - I saw how I had adopted this suit of not giving a fuck at school while at the same time 'screaming' that I am not stupid. Well, that IS in a way the definition of... Well it's complicated and easy to say I was stupid for doing this, not getting good grades to be accepted - of course there were other factors like it was convenient for me to act lazy in relation to school and the same time become more popular/being liked more - it was a win-win for me except when it got out of hand = that I was failing more than I wanted at school because of the compounded effect of ineffectiveness. Because at some point I stopped remembering why I was doing this of not studying - it was fear and desire to be liked and accepted - but I forgot it and then I judged myself for being 'bad' at school and there are unforgiving subjects like maths where one has to build from ground to top and if that's missed then the new math knowledge is very difficult to acquire and work with.

At that moment I got a bit too much emotional and I didn't know how to proceed from there - it's a bit of a shock and also a moment of cross-roads - because I either continue this con or stand up for myself and change - for example I have an exam - the first one - next Friday and I have not started the studying apart from 1 hour or so last friday. This is not cool because I am walking this character during my days, this character will lead me to maybe pass this exam - most probably yes because it's the first one' but as time goes on it will be increasingly difficult for me to pass the exams because - as I have noticed already - I don't spend enough hours a week studying or reading what we have done in class. I saw this clearly - that I am not following up well with classes - because someone asked me what we were doing at class and I couldnt respond - lol - and also the teacher mentioned something about LAST class and I didn't remember or knew it because I had not gone through the material from that class before the next class to be clear that I understand everything effectively and thus I didn't know some concepts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself in walking through this character practically in believing that I cannot place the self corrective statements effectively or walk them in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up self direction at school in order to get attention from the group at school and outside school in playing the victim role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep abusing myself and others through keep living the character 'good-but-bad student' to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of the self-deceit I saw of myself that I am living in self interest in playing a character that is a victim to others= choose to keep looking myself as a victim and go into emotions and feelings to support this self interested point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the 'good-but-bad student' character to not have to correct myself practically at school and other areas that I have give up self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears that I experience in relation to getting good grades in relation to how the other students will react to this is in fact self interest in wanting to hold on to the point of failing at school to not have to take responsibility for myself - in depending financially from others and being able to continue in the feeding of my Ego as the image of myself as perfect in my mind that I want to protect at all cost in not challenging it in reality = by not going and doing my best to pass the course without knowing if I will make it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize as a justification the experience of fear for not working to the best of my ability to be effective within education and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self-image in my mind in self-interest to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the image of myself in my mind that consist of a brilliant student that can get the highest marks and can do all the experiments and practical stuff at school like a professional - not realizing that this is far-fetched from reality and that I am living in a mind-bubble that sooner or later will explode when again I fail at school if I try and hold on to this image - because to not challenge the image I have to make sure that: A) I live in reality that which I see in the self-image in my mind or B) I trick myself into believing that I did not pass because I did not study by effectively not studying and wasting time whenever I have to study - within this choosing B) as it is in a way more self-honest in that I see that I cannot do it like A) so I might as well protect the self image of myself by doing B) and it will be far more easier - plus I don't have to take responsibility for myself within this world by not having an education and not being able to get into the job system resulting in me being dependent on others that will pay for me to live - not taking responsibility for myself in yet another area of my life.

I commit myself to correct myself within school in stopping all desires to match a picture-perfect version of myself but instead I commit myself to walk no matter what through the steps required to pass school effectively in the realization that I will be making errors and I will not be able to match a perfect image of being perfect at it at first -  so within this I commit myself to give myself the time, effort and patience to walk myself through school, feeding myself knowledge one teaspoon at a time and stopping myself whenever I go into frustration within the realization that I will not be instantly good at doing certain things but that it will get better with time and enough application.

I commit myself to stop judging me whenever I find that I am comparing myself with an image of perfection in my mind or any other student in the class - in the realization that it is not where I am that matter but where I am going in the realization that the equality equation of 1+1 applied in this means that by daily application of myself within my studies I have a higher chance of making it despite any fear, prediction or imagination of the future I can make up in my mind = what matters is accumulation thus

I commit myself to stick myself to daily apply myself within school without running in my mind of emotions and feelings and fears in the realization that it is the character of 'good-but-bad' student wanting to get a hold of and control of me - in the realization that I created it and it is living in self interest as the continuation of me as an irresponsible being thus:

I commit myself to whenever I see I want to give up studying to go and do another thing: I take a deep breath and see that I am here and able to direct my breath as well as any other task I can do within that breath - so I move myself to take the pen and paper and the material of the lessons to work on and study or write whatever it is I have to do of school - to prepare myself effectively so that I don't have to repeat again the same mistakes by not having applied myself to the best of my ability.

I see/realize and understand that it doesn't matter if I don't pass the course when I am applying myself to the best of my ability because in that case I would be in a far better position when having to do it again because I will have expanded myself within school by having walked to the best of my ability wich means that I had been expanding myself within school - whereas if I fail at school and ahve not applied myself to the best of my ability I will find myself in the exact same point repeating school without having expanded myself  within it - thus the fact that I'd be again repeating the same task and knowing that I could have passed it if I had done it to the best of my ability = that will make it even harder to transcend. 

Thus: I commit myself to make sure that I walk in detail all that is needed for me to complete the course at school effectively - carefully looking at what it is that I need to know and revising everything so that I make sure that I am in fact applying myself to the most specificity and effectiveness that I can - because wether I pass it or not at the end = I will be in a far more better position in both situations than if I continue participating in laziness to protect a character in my mind.

I commit myself to remind myself that nobody will hurt me if I get good grades - that nobody will outcast me if I get good grades and that I have enough assertiveness to direct any nastiness coming from anyone at school - within this I commit myself to stop using justification of having fear of being labeled in any way in the realization that all judgement is self-judgement and that I NEVER have to take personally anything that another says to me because if I react I know that I have to work on some point where I have defined myself in separation of myself - and it's never about 'who' said that which I allow myself to react to.

Whenever I see I go into the experience of emotional turmoil and self-pity I stop, take a breath and remind myself that this is in fact a self-manipulation because being a victim means that someone is doing something to me - not realizing that I created the 'good-but-bad student' character and that it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences that I have manifested for myself in participating in this character by walking the correction of myself in reality of space-time - not 'holing up' in my mind weeping about my situation when I created it in the first place - thus I am able and must change it for myself - in self-honesty with myself.

Within this I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going into the experience of anger for what I have done - stop and breathe, and realize and remind myself that it is a diversion-tactic of my mind to prevent me from being here directing myself to walk the correction of myself in self honesty - and I see then that in walking the correction I can and I am able to stop this anger because I am doing something about the source of this anger thus I don't have to be angry with myself - only if I stop walking the correction and continue feeding the source of the anger by again participating in laziness and procrastination or not studying - then I have to kick myself under the ass and move again, breath by breath until it's done - no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to whenever I see I participate in nervousness in being impatient for wanting to see results of my application within studying = I stop, breathe and continue walking the correction of participating in my education effectively - in realizing/seeing and understanding that reality is not like the mind that I can create in a single moment -but it is not real- = reality is slower because it is building on physical support something that is real and measurable, so, I commit myself to assist myself to breathe effectively while I am doing the tasks required for me to be effective at school. Within this I commit myself to instead of try to 'level up' to the perfect image of myself in my mind = I study/do the school tasks every day so that I 'add up' to the measure that will in time be enough to pass the course effectively - because I know that the accumulation of days that I don't direct myself to study effectively create a sum total that is not enough for me to pass the school course and instead are a diminishment from what I am really capable of.

I commit myself to explore what it is that I am capable of within school by disregarding fear for what it is - an energetic experience that is not real - and within the realization that in walking to the best of my ability Always I don't Ever have to fear Anything because I am living in self-honesty with myself  whereas living in fear indicates that I am living in Self-Dishonesty as Self-Interest because there is something that I fear to lose - but how can I lose who I really am?. I commit myself to walk my education ruthlessly within the realization that I don't have to fear as fear indicates self-interest in wanting to keep something for myself - but who I really am I can never lose so I remind myself that I can't lose who I really am thus I have nothing to fear and within this realization I push myself regardless of any experience of fear or any other feeling/emotion or thought to do what is Best for All Life in every moment in self-trust.

To be Continued.

Artwork: [Last Picture] by Andrew Gable
The Resistance Before I Write - Postponement Character - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163