Day 86: Don't Fall for Excuses and Justifications

There has been a month or so that I have not written here, now that I look at it I see there is really no excuse not to write, because I can see the time-allocations that were many where I could have written. This is then about discipline and this includes not letting me avoid responsibilities with using excuses. 

One of the excuses was that I had to study first and then I would write afterwards - I have then manipulated myself into not doing studying or writing, wich is absolutely not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not write the blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid studying and use this as an excuse to also not write the blog - without seeing that I can write my blog about why I am not studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do my responsibilities instead of pushing myself within self-discipline to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize conditions to write a blog - instead of doing it wherever in the day it is possible for me to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities with the blog and studies despite seeing what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to respect myself within directing myself in doing my responsibilities of blogging and studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all the days that I don't write I am sabotaging myself instead of assisting myself.

Whenever I see that excuses are coming up to not write the daily blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that not writing is self-sabotage and that I can choose this compromise or to support me.

I commit myself to write every day.

Whenever I see that I am not studying when I should do it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and that deliberately not doing it is self-dishonest.

I commit myself to study every day.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that now that I am aware of my self-dishonesty I can change it and direct myself within discipline and support myself instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not taking responsibility for myself during my day = to change in the moment to do the task that is required.

Day 82: Double Standard Stranded

Problem

I have observed that I have a double standard when it comes to working and responsibilities. One is very direct, steadfast and effective approach that I take at the internship I am doing. The other is very undiligent and ineffective which is when having to study and review or do other self-study work.


Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsistent in my approach to taking/working/doing responsibilities - instead of expanding myself by using the effective approach I take in one area to all areas/responsibilities within my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I can apply myself in an effective way in one task, I can expand this ability to other tasks in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I can direct myself to be effective in a task is due to the nature of the task instead of realizing that the same effectiveness I can apply to any task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply myself differently depending on what responsibility I am facing - instead of applying myself in integrity by putting the best of my habitily to all my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the way to expand my effectiveness and hability of doing a task is by applying myself doing it to the best of my hability - because then I can see what impediments I have and work on them to be able to do more/better.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I don't apply myself in every task to the best of my hability I will never expand in effectiveness on those tasks - and this is because I know within myself that I am not giving it my all and assume that I can choose to do more if
I want -- but then the day that I really need to be effective I will find that I can do only so much, probably less than I imagined.

Whenever I see that I am avoiding walking responsibilities to the best of my hability, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am deliberately sabotaging myself by choosing to spend more time and have a less quality job made PLUS not being able to become more effective at the task that I am doing - thus I instead opt to apply myself to the best of my hability so that I can, even if it takes more time, expand and discover more of myself in what I am doing.

I commit myself to push myself to do the tasks/responsibilities to the best of my hability - so that I can know where I am and go further from there/expand on them.


Reward

To become more effective in everything I do and within this discover more about myself in it.

Next post will be on Fear of Failure.

Day 78: Well-Educated Character

"Prevention is ALWAYS the Best Cure" – Bernard Poolman

Problem
Wanting to appear/look like I am well-educated.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately talk in ways to project an image of myself of being well-educated and smart. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value an image of myself more than my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me as dumb/failure and within this try to show the opposite by showing a façade/face of being polite/well educated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being articulate and showing knowledge on many topics means that I am superior and better. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that knowledge is important/valuable without considering who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will 'loose face' and be considered inferior if I 'slip' and make mistakes in a conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that educated people are better than uneducated people. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive to 'prove' that I am not uneducated by opening a 'peacock tail' of knowledge within a conversation - within the fear of being considered inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will like me more if I am smart - and will like me less and be marginalized if I they believe I am stupid. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as smart and sharp, in separation of myself.

Whenever I see that I am trying to appear/look like I am well-educated and smart, I stop and breathe. I realize that knowledge without application is useless, that I am not more to KNOW something. We are all Equals as Life - there is not an animal that is more of Life than another one. Difference of humans based on knowledge is an illusion.

Reward
Not having to pretend being smart/talk in a way to be considered smart, being at ease while in the company of others, enjoying them for who they are without being busy in advertising what I know.
 
To be continued...

Day 76: Self-Assertiveness in Relationships

Problem

'Social anxiety' of 'being in conflict' with relatives/friends for not calling them or congratulating them in special occasions such as birthdays.

Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relatives/friends being angry with me for not calling them on special occasions. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequences - like resentment - from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a better relative/friend if I remember and congratulate them in every 'special occasion' and that they will 'think bad' of me for not doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to not call/talk to relatives/friends - instead of assessing if I want to mantain the contact or not and decide to call or not. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don't call a friend/relative on a 'special date' they will think I don't want to have a relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship with 'someone else' outside of myself such as family/friends - instead of having a supportive 'relationship' - as agreement - with myself of supporting myself - and simply stablish clear communication with others as well, one and equal in assertiveness.

Whenever I see I am getting anxious about calling a friend/relative on a special occasion, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not better or worse for calling or not, that it does not mean I don't want to have contact with them for not calling them and that it is up to me if I call or not - and that I have to decide for myself, without paying attention to excuses.

I commit myself to whenever I am faced with calling/congratulating a friend/relative on a 'special occasion' - I assert myself whether I will contact them or not, without making assumptions of what they will think- as this is not something I am in control of.

Reward

Supporting myeslf in being assertive and direct myself in my relationships without participating in unnecessary internal conflict such as fear or guilt. Practising taking decisions about what I want to particpate in in my life. 

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Photography by Marlen V. del Razo

Visit her Blog

Day 75: Excuses to Not Write

The Problem

When faced with writing a blog, use the excuse of 'wanting it to be perfect' to then judge what I am writing as insufficient - to give up. It is a simple self-deception to be able to give up that accumulates in a lot of time lost and eroding self-trust, self-direction and self movement - all to not want to take responsibility for myself or to want to hold into some other point of self interest.

Solution

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to utilize the excuse of 'wanting the blog to be perfect' to judge what I write as 'not perfect'/'Insufficient' to then have an excuse to not write and thus give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give excuses to sabotage myself into not writing - within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself unconditionally in writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'give up' on myself by not writing - instead of seeing that I am merely compounding consequence for myself and that I will have to inevitably face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest innecesary consequence for myself by procrastinating/not doing a task into completion - as that makes it harder having to repeat it/start again - and waste time.

Whenever I see I want to not take responsibility for myself and instead cover it up as 'wanting to write a perfect blog', I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is merely the construct of 'wanting to to give up while looking good' and that it may 'feel good' for a moment to procrastinate - but then it doesn't pay as I don't change and still have do it all over again, with the additional difficulty of having failed in the past and knowing I have wasted time.

Reward

To support myself in writing, thus avoiding having to go into innecessary repetitions/time-loops and instead expanding, being able to do more and more effectively, being proud of myself, building self-trust and self-direction one day at a time, one blog at a time. Also, avoid unnecessary guilt/turmoil for not doing what I see I have to do in common sense to support myself - which is a self-manipulation anyway for not standing up for myself and changing.
_________________
Art by Andrew Gable

Day 74: The Elephant in the Room of Me

Self Forgiveness on turning a blind eye to the obvious causes and beliefs that keep me unchanged and therefore Evil in a world that is Evil - where no Life is honoured, but Abused in every way - As shown daily in the news if one dare to look.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I don't really know what it means to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend who I am by denying myself to walk in common sense what is obvious of what I must do to correct myself from self interest to what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately decide every time to not do that which I see is supportive for myself - and instead walk the way of self sabotage and self interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live that which I see in common sense I have to do - and instead project it into others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that living a life of self interest have Any Value at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value experience as energy highs and lows instead of realizing that I am stability here as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid to face the relationships in my world that I participate in to keep hooked on self interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I don't have to stone myself into oblivion but that I can instead support myself to stand up for myself - to serve Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put excuses to go back to behaviours that
I use in order to participate in guilt, shame and more emotions -- all to not stand up for myself, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to terrorize myself by acting in ways that are detrimental and not supportive of me - to not stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'making others feel sorry for me' is acceptable to get attention.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself attention - and want others to 'attend' my every need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - within wanting others to attend my every need - justificate the existence of slaves - all so that I don't have to take responsibility for myself.


To continue in the next post...

Day 73: The Task

Artwork by Maren Vargas Del Razo

The 'giving up before starting' of a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate and postpone on starting doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing at a task - and give up before starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety and stress for not doing the task I have to do - instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of not doing the tasks I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a task as too big and difficult in my mind - and give up without even starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgements and backchats about a task - in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to walk a task in the reactions I get towards it instead of simply doing what I see is best - regardless of the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the resistance real by acting on it by not walking the tasks I have to do that I apparently resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance to do a task exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance towards doing a task is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat towards doing a task - diminishing my drive/will to do it more and more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself and say - till here no further - I will not accept or allow myself to act on the resistance towards doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have created through time the reactions that I experience - thus I am able to stop them and walk them through.

Whenever I see that I resist on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the experience of resistance about the task is not real, that I created it and that I am able to stop it and walk through it.

Whenever I see that I am giving up on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself of the previous instances where I have been able to walk through this resistances and I remind myself that it they are not real.

Whenever I see that I am having judgements/backchat about a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is unacceptable to put myself down by judging the tasks or myself in the task - and so I stop the backchat and continue walking.

Day 71: Getting to Know All Things

With enough time and resources one can research anything and then get to understand something that at first sight seem impossible to descipher.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time on doing activities that are not prioritary in my day before doing what comes first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of doing the things that I have to do by avoiding doing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give importance to the things I have to do in a day instead of doing them and moving on.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I don't really want to be all my life distracting myself to prevent me from doing something I consider I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare to do all the things I see I must be doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger for deliberately not doing what I see I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some tasks as difficult - instead of seeing that with enough time and patience much can be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent whenever I don't understand something - instead of going into the nitty gritty details of what it is I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame not having enough background knowledge on a subject to understand a specific piece of that subject - instead of moving myself to study the subject from the ground up so that I can understand the what is being presented.

Whenever I see that I am reluctant to take on a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the sooner I walk the task - the more time I will have to work on any problems that I may aruse - and thus increase my success rate.

Whenever I see that I resist doing a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that no matter how difficult a point presents itself to be - I can study all of it - and thus I see/realize/understand the point is not the problem but the unwillingness to study it.

Day 70: The Haunting Past

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having the opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to fuck up an opportunity to make a difference for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there will be one decision or lost opportunity that will make or break me - instead of seeing how the accumulation process works, where it is the daily accumulation of actions that amount to something - either worth or dreadful - or a sour mix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others impeding that I access an opportunity to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to build a successful life.

Whenever I see that I am going into fear of the future I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that the future is built action by action and thus I have to work with what I can have an influence on so that it is the best influence possible - to expand myself.

Whenever I blame someone or something for my experience I stop and breathe. I realize that taking responsibility for creating a future for myself entails taking responsibility for what I have already created for myself in the past - so I walk the correction and stop the reactions as they arise - reminding myself that it is me that created the experience of me.

Day 69: Slowing Down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do many things in little time instead of doing things thorougly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better if I do more things, regardless of the quality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be looked up to for doing a lot of things in little time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go faster in what I do, taking shortcuts and not knowing exactly what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I rush in doing things and finish them sooner = I have done more - instead of realizing that there is no use in finishing doing something if I have not integrated it and made sense of it so that it is of use for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the McDonalization of my life, of wanting to serve and have things delivered fast, regardless of quality or consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to review how I participate within my day to see where I can improve in supporting myself.

Whenever I see I want to rush in doing things, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no use in finishing doing something for the sake of it - but to utilize what I do to support myself - so I slow
down and see how can I support myself in what I am doing.

Whenever I feel anxious about having to do something I stop and breathe. I realize that there is no one but myself that is pressing on me to get something done - so instead I breathe and am gentle with myself in giving myself the time to complete the task as much as possible.

Day 68: If it Mathematically Works, Go For It

Taking decisions in life is not random - usually when faced with a decision we choose one thing or another depending on the accumulated effect of our actions in the past. For example, going to university. One can say that you can either decide to go or not to go but if a student has not accumulated enough skills and obviously has the money for it - then it will be impossible to go through university. Then it is relevant to calculate what will it take to be able do anything in life, in order to be prepared when faced with the decision and be able to stick to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to calculate what it takes to do what I say I want to do, and then introduce this in a schedule to do daily/as necessary.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to carefully plan and establish a daily schedule for myself in order to accumulate that which I need in my life until I have enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into not prepare myself for what I say I want to do in order to give up in the last moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take decisions for myself in the future without preparing myself accordingly for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to walk my decisions instead of working out if it's mathematically feasible considering time and resources.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the basic laws of consequence, cause and effect - and to apply it to the goals I set for myself.

Whenever I see I want to give up I stop and breathe. I understand that to get the outcome necessary I have to input the work - so I put myself to work in the realization that it is always easier the sooner I start and it gets difficult as time passes.

Whenever I see that I go into emotional turmoil/reaction I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is very simple what I have to do: To daily walk that which accumulates to the outcome that I need. All emotional reaction thus is irrelevant and not to give attention to - but solved to walk effectively.

Whenever I see that I am projecting what I will do in the future I stop and breathe. I realize that I can only determine what I do in every moment - So I walk practically to add up to be able to in the future be prepared for what I have to do.

Whenever I see that I want to get something done in a moment I stop and breathe. I realize that it will take an accumulation of daily work for whatever time it takes to accomplish anything - so I calculate an approximate of how much will it take and walk until I get it done.

I see/realize and understand that there is no need to fear the future - because I construct the future with my actions - so I carefully plan my actions to tweak/adjust the outcome and thus in a way direct my future.

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Day 65: Too Fast Will Blow

Stopping the 'wanting to go fast' impatient character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to accomplish tasks fast.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to do a task with the assumption that it won't take long - instead of unconditionally doing the task with walking all the steps necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush within doing tasks - and create innecesary consequence by making mistakes, effectively slowing me down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself as the word 'patience' within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take risks and shortcuts when doing tasks within the desire to finish fast.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have patience and 'wait for myself' when doing tasks - completing tasks without rushing or going into my mind as thoughts and/or inner-chatter.

Whenever I see that I am 'rushing' in doing a task, I stop and breathe. I realize and remind myself that rushing can have serious consequences and that if I am to complete a task I have to walk all of it - so
I breathe and do the task focusing on what I am doing in the physical.

I see, realize and understand that any process / endeavour that is worthwile will take time to build and that some tasks one cannot make it go faster in a given moment but maybe only over time - so I walk with myself through tasks reminding myself that if I miss being 'here' doing the task in the physical and instead 'jump' to the mind as thoughts and reactions to the task = I will be missing it and compromising myself - specially so when working with potentialy dangerous instruments or products at work or at school - that can create irreversible consequence and harm to myself and/or others.

Day 64: Commitment to Self

Commiting myself to do something that I am able to do I have done many times - for example assisting classes at school, paying for something in fractions, etc. Yet when it comes to self-assistance, self-help there is where I fail - and it is simple steps like writing a blog daily or studying for DIP or studying for school consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply myself in consistency and commitement whenever I have to do something for others - but not do it to assist myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up excuses to not apply miself consistently daily in what I see I can do to help myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in not doing the tasks I know I have to do to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and distract myself from supporting myself with entertainment - not giving myself the opportunity to self-discovery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself enough to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and run away from facing myself in entertainments instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the inevitability that I face myself along with the consequences manifested for myself by myself - that grow bigger with not facing myself.

Whenever I see that I am 'drifting off' and not facing myself within my day, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and 'add one' for myself in directing myself to do the next point to support myself - so I do so.

Whenever I see that I experience apathy and/or resistance towards walking a task, I stop and breathe. I realize and that the task is not the problem, so I see within myself where does the apathy/resistance come from and direct myself to do the task.

Whenever I see that there is backchat/internal chatter coming up in my mind during my day, I stop and breathe. I say 'stop, I will not accept or allow myself to participate in this' aloud or in my mind if unable to do it out loud.

To be continued

Day 56: Maintaining the Commitment

 

I missed 5 days of writing - last time I missed 7 days - This is a bit of an improvement or a big mess up again - lol. I'm Back! Not intending to miss more days, by the way.

Self forgiveness on fear of not being able to maintain my commitment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to maintain the commitment to write daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having time to write within a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a great idea or topic in order to write a blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that to write a blog I only need to write it, there is no special self-experience that is needed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to write daily unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need 'inspiration' in order to write a blog or otherwise it will come out a big shit, not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to NOT write a blog in past days where I have not written.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not writing blogs instead of writing blogs daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wasting time is not important at all - that I have to do what is important first and then see that I will no longer want to waste time as 'wasting time' is merely giving into the resistance of 'not wanting to write' - and then doing nothing else that is relevant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that there are really a few things relevant in this life and that I must not get distracted with irrelevant stuff in wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually want to waste time without seeing that I am not enjoying myself and merely trying to avoid doing the tasks that matter - thus it is best that I do the tasks that matter and move out of the 'wasting time' zone or I will die in regret and shame of what I've done with my life.

I commit myself to put my time in the stuff I see that matters - deliberately disregarding the experience of 'wasting time' as distracting myself from doing that which matters, within the realization that I don't really want to waste time because it is not a self-directive decision but a reaction to something I resist doing in self interest = thus not best for All and thus not best for Me either.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am avoiding doing a task = stop, breathe and direct myself to do it within the realization that it is what is Best to do in that moment.

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

This is a continuation of:  Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

For more context see: Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

On Day 42 I was walking the Self Forgiveness on what I had been realizing during the that day, where I was seeing how in the class I was being the one that replies the most to the teacher and from there I saw that I did this to prove a point that I was able to take on the course so that if I failed then I would not be judged as stupid. But there was something more, and it was the why I would after the first stages of the course, step down to become ineffective studying? Then I saw in a moment as I was walking the self forgiveness in writing how it was related to bullying and how it is a protection mechanism and a way for me to instead of being rejected - being liked. Fearing that if I get good grades I will be looked at as uncool and someone that others in the class don't see as someone to hang around but more of a nerd. When I started doing self forgiveness on the bullying I started crying - I saw how I had adopted this suit of not giving a fuck at school while at the same time 'screaming' that I am not stupid. Well, that IS in a way the definition of... Well it's complicated and easy to say I was stupid for doing this, not getting good grades to be accepted - of course there were other factors like it was convenient for me to act lazy in relation to school and the same time become more popular/being liked more - it was a win-win for me except when it got out of hand = that I was failing more than I wanted at school because of the compounded effect of ineffectiveness. Because at some point I stopped remembering why I was doing this of not studying - it was fear and desire to be liked and accepted - but I forgot it and then I judged myself for being 'bad' at school and there are unforgiving subjects like maths where one has to build from ground to top and if that's missed then the new math knowledge is very difficult to acquire and work with.

At that moment I got a bit too much emotional and I didn't know how to proceed from there - it's a bit of a shock and also a moment of cross-roads - because I either continue this con or stand up for myself and change - for example I have an exam - the first one - next Friday and I have not started the studying apart from 1 hour or so last friday. This is not cool because I am walking this character during my days, this character will lead me to maybe pass this exam - most probably yes because it's the first one' but as time goes on it will be increasingly difficult for me to pass the exams because - as I have noticed already - I don't spend enough hours a week studying or reading what we have done in class. I saw this clearly - that I am not following up well with classes - because someone asked me what we were doing at class and I couldnt respond - lol - and also the teacher mentioned something about LAST class and I didn't remember or knew it because I had not gone through the material from that class before the next class to be clear that I understand everything effectively and thus I didn't know some concepts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself in walking through this character practically in believing that I cannot place the self corrective statements effectively or walk them in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up self direction at school in order to get attention from the group at school and outside school in playing the victim role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep abusing myself and others through keep living the character 'good-but-bad student' to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of the self-deceit I saw of myself that I am living in self interest in playing a character that is a victim to others= choose to keep looking myself as a victim and go into emotions and feelings to support this self interested point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the 'good-but-bad student' character to not have to correct myself practically at school and other areas that I have give up self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears that I experience in relation to getting good grades in relation to how the other students will react to this is in fact self interest in wanting to hold on to the point of failing at school to not have to take responsibility for myself - in depending financially from others and being able to continue in the feeding of my Ego as the image of myself as perfect in my mind that I want to protect at all cost in not challenging it in reality = by not going and doing my best to pass the course without knowing if I will make it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize as a justification the experience of fear for not working to the best of my ability to be effective within education and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self-image in my mind in self-interest to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the image of myself in my mind that consist of a brilliant student that can get the highest marks and can do all the experiments and practical stuff at school like a professional - not realizing that this is far-fetched from reality and that I am living in a mind-bubble that sooner or later will explode when again I fail at school if I try and hold on to this image - because to not challenge the image I have to make sure that: A) I live in reality that which I see in the self-image in my mind or B) I trick myself into believing that I did not pass because I did not study by effectively not studying and wasting time whenever I have to study - within this choosing B) as it is in a way more self-honest in that I see that I cannot do it like A) so I might as well protect the self image of myself by doing B) and it will be far more easier - plus I don't have to take responsibility for myself within this world by not having an education and not being able to get into the job system resulting in me being dependent on others that will pay for me to live - not taking responsibility for myself in yet another area of my life.

I commit myself to correct myself within school in stopping all desires to match a picture-perfect version of myself but instead I commit myself to walk no matter what through the steps required to pass school effectively in the realization that I will be making errors and I will not be able to match a perfect image of being perfect at it at first -  so within this I commit myself to give myself the time, effort and patience to walk myself through school, feeding myself knowledge one teaspoon at a time and stopping myself whenever I go into frustration within the realization that I will not be instantly good at doing certain things but that it will get better with time and enough application.

I commit myself to stop judging me whenever I find that I am comparing myself with an image of perfection in my mind or any other student in the class - in the realization that it is not where I am that matter but where I am going in the realization that the equality equation of 1+1 applied in this means that by daily application of myself within my studies I have a higher chance of making it despite any fear, prediction or imagination of the future I can make up in my mind = what matters is accumulation thus

I commit myself to stick myself to daily apply myself within school without running in my mind of emotions and feelings and fears in the realization that it is the character of 'good-but-bad' student wanting to get a hold of and control of me - in the realization that I created it and it is living in self interest as the continuation of me as an irresponsible being thus:

I commit myself to whenever I see I want to give up studying to go and do another thing: I take a deep breath and see that I am here and able to direct my breath as well as any other task I can do within that breath - so I move myself to take the pen and paper and the material of the lessons to work on and study or write whatever it is I have to do of school - to prepare myself effectively so that I don't have to repeat again the same mistakes by not having applied myself to the best of my ability.

I see/realize and understand that it doesn't matter if I don't pass the course when I am applying myself to the best of my ability because in that case I would be in a far better position when having to do it again because I will have expanded myself within school by having walked to the best of my ability wich means that I had been expanding myself within school - whereas if I fail at school and ahve not applied myself to the best of my ability I will find myself in the exact same point repeating school without having expanded myself  within it - thus the fact that I'd be again repeating the same task and knowing that I could have passed it if I had done it to the best of my ability = that will make it even harder to transcend. 

Thus: I commit myself to make sure that I walk in detail all that is needed for me to complete the course at school effectively - carefully looking at what it is that I need to know and revising everything so that I make sure that I am in fact applying myself to the most specificity and effectiveness that I can - because wether I pass it or not at the end = I will be in a far more better position in both situations than if I continue participating in laziness to protect a character in my mind.

I commit myself to remind myself that nobody will hurt me if I get good grades - that nobody will outcast me if I get good grades and that I have enough assertiveness to direct any nastiness coming from anyone at school - within this I commit myself to stop using justification of having fear of being labeled in any way in the realization that all judgement is self-judgement and that I NEVER have to take personally anything that another says to me because if I react I know that I have to work on some point where I have defined myself in separation of myself - and it's never about 'who' said that which I allow myself to react to.

Whenever I see I go into the experience of emotional turmoil and self-pity I stop, take a breath and remind myself that this is in fact a self-manipulation because being a victim means that someone is doing something to me - not realizing that I created the 'good-but-bad student' character and that it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences that I have manifested for myself in participating in this character by walking the correction of myself in reality of space-time - not 'holing up' in my mind weeping about my situation when I created it in the first place - thus I am able and must change it for myself - in self-honesty with myself.

Within this I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going into the experience of anger for what I have done - stop and breathe, and realize and remind myself that it is a diversion-tactic of my mind to prevent me from being here directing myself to walk the correction of myself in self honesty - and I see then that in walking the correction I can and I am able to stop this anger because I am doing something about the source of this anger thus I don't have to be angry with myself - only if I stop walking the correction and continue feeding the source of the anger by again participating in laziness and procrastination or not studying - then I have to kick myself under the ass and move again, breath by breath until it's done - no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to whenever I see I participate in nervousness in being impatient for wanting to see results of my application within studying = I stop, breathe and continue walking the correction of participating in my education effectively - in realizing/seeing and understanding that reality is not like the mind that I can create in a single moment -but it is not real- = reality is slower because it is building on physical support something that is real and measurable, so, I commit myself to assist myself to breathe effectively while I am doing the tasks required for me to be effective at school. Within this I commit myself to instead of try to 'level up' to the perfect image of myself in my mind = I study/do the school tasks every day so that I 'add up' to the measure that will in time be enough to pass the course effectively - because I know that the accumulation of days that I don't direct myself to study effectively create a sum total that is not enough for me to pass the school course and instead are a diminishment from what I am really capable of.

I commit myself to explore what it is that I am capable of within school by disregarding fear for what it is - an energetic experience that is not real - and within the realization that in walking to the best of my ability Always I don't Ever have to fear Anything because I am living in self-honesty with myself  whereas living in fear indicates that I am living in Self-Dishonesty as Self-Interest because there is something that I fear to lose - but how can I lose who I really am?. I commit myself to walk my education ruthlessly within the realization that I don't have to fear as fear indicates self-interest in wanting to keep something for myself - but who I really am I can never lose so I remind myself that I can't lose who I really am thus I have nothing to fear and within this realization I push myself regardless of any experience of fear or any other feeling/emotion or thought to do what is Best for All Life in every moment in self-trust.

To be Continued.

Artwork: [Last Picture] by Andrew Gable
The Resistance Before I Write - Postponement Character - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163

Day 30: Sloppiness or Effectiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the subject being difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the teacher making the subject difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the difficulty I may find in a subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a forgiving teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a permissive teacher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘get away’ with sloppiness in my education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in slopiness within my education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the opportunities and permisiveness of teachers in the past by participating in sloppiness getting away with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sloppiness whenever I arrive late without having prepared the class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sloppiness in my education by handing homework out of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sloppiness in my education by writing papers fast and inaccurately – delivering papers full of mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sloppiness in my education by doing the homework without enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sloppiness within my education by not studying or not studying enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sloppiness within my education by ‘switching-off’ in my mind when I am in class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sloppiness in my education by performing tasks/procedures in practical classes without knowing what steps to take due to not having prepared the class/task/procedure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to stop participating in sloppiness within my education.

I commit myself to put myself to work in the subject I signed up to do by studying the required knowledge and procedures – saying ‘no’ within myself whenever a judgement arise and breathing and I continue applying myself within the subject wether I am at the class at home or elsewhere.

I commit myself to remind myself that it is me that makes a study subject difficult whenever I don’t prepare myself effectively to integrate the knowledge and procedures required to understand and be effectively with that subject and within this I commit myself to review what I am doing with my time whenever I see I am blaming the teacher/the subject of being too difficult and accordingly assign time and work to the subject by placing extra time and dedication to that subject – thus making it ‘easier’ for me.

I commit myself to realize that I am my own teacher and that if I accept and allow sloppiness within my application I will probably ‘slip and fall’ with my studies and have to do it over again – thus I commit myself to stop desiring a forgiving/permissive teacher as that is only an excuse to continue to ‘slip and fall’ by continuing to participate in sloppiness within my education. Within this I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in and as sloppiness in my studies or elsewhere – stop, thake a breath and push myself to continue my application and perfect it so that the task that I am doing comes out in a way that I am satisfied that is effective and practical – that it works.

I commit myself to remain ‘here’ whenever I am in class by breathing and saying ‘no’ within myself to any thought/picture that arise – and deliberately re-conducting my attention to the class/teacher/task I am participating in the moment – physically here.

I commit myself to check the homework/tasks and knowledge I am intergating by reading the papers and checking the numbers before delivering a paper and by re-visiting in my mind or out loud or in writing whatever it is that I am studying to make sure that it is in place and that I have understood/learned/integrated whatever it is I am studying.

I commit myself to prepare myself before-hand the classes I will attend by reading and studying and practising the topics/tasks that the class will consist of so that I am effective and fluent with the topic/task as much as possible and so that I am prepared to ask questions that I have not been able to resolve or that I’d like an expansion on – making my learning more effective.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that fear – like energy – is not real and in fact a self-manipulation technique to cover up self interest thus I commit myself to investigate the self interest behind my fear of not being able to stop my sloppiness within education as it is revealing a self interest in not stopping it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to continue my participation in sloppiness within my education so that I don’t get an education and don’t have to take responsibility for myself but be supported by my parents – not having to take responsibility for myself financially and not having to take responsibility for my world.

I commit myself to delibereately stop all the points I see that I participate in sloppiness and immediately apply myself consistently step-by-step breath by breath practically in whatever task I try to participate in sloppiness - setting a flag-point for myself whenever I want to participate/am participating in sloppiness in the realization that I am trying to not take responsibility for myself/my world.