Day 146: Success

 I am the most relevant person to myself, and now is the time that matters the most to myself, now that I am alive and living: What do I give more importance to, money? or Life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more importance to money other than Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe if I don't have money I will cease to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a job and thus not have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a job.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that it is of no use to fear not having a job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more importance to money over Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that me being broke is irrelevant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have to see a bigger picture than me being broke or otherwise it is all I will ever be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe broke is all I can ever be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see further than my monetary value

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my income is not a representation of myself.

Day 62: Self-Traps

First of all, apologies for having missed so many days. Today I went to the terrace of the building where I live and forgot to put the door locked in a way that it won't close once I am out, so I was locked in the terrace because I forgot to do that. In a moment, the door was shut and I was out - and had to call a neighbour to open the door to get out. This reminded me that I can become 'fucked up by my own design/creation' where I find myself in a position that I 'wasn't intending to happen' but happened - in this case by a distraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss so many days of writting and supporting myself with self forgiveness, not supporting myself in doing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up myself in not supporting myself daily effectively - giving up self responsibility and creating unnecesary consequence for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself through not honouring myself in supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise/understand that I must act in ways to support myself to take responsibility for myself becuse unless I do it noone will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trick and deceive myself into giving up instead of finding ways to take on the tasks to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see and know how I will be doing in the future instead of working day by day in ways that are proven to be self supportive like daily writting and self forgiveness as in the course desteni I process and journey to life blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as 'normal' to not take responsibility for myself - instead of seeing the common sense that it is unacceptable and will only lead to undesired consequence and pain and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself and all others in not supporting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the opportunity that I have with the support available in Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe 'resistance' to act in ways that are proven self supportive such as writing and self forgiveness and practical application as described by Desteni - is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that self interest is not a way but a trap in the belief that there is free choice to not act in ways that are Best for All which is taking responsibility for oneself unconditionally and expand to the world from this, to solve the current problems faced on Earth such as porverty, starvation, war and other abuse going on daily.

I commit myself to unconditionally walk the tools proven to be effective in self-change in taking responsibility for my accepted and allowed limitations such as procrastination, lazyness and the giving up of self-responsibility that goes along with living on Earth.

An invitation to support yourself from self limitation to self-discovery:

Desteni Website, join the forum at http://forum.desteni.org/
Free Online Course Desteni I Process Lite, guided by a buddy at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

Day 52: Write Daily (OR DIE)

It's been a week since I last posted here. Many excuses that I can think of but no excuses are valid because of my agreement to walk this journey to life is to write daily. So I here re-commit myself and forgive myself for having sabotaged myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stick to my decision of writing daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to put the blame for not writing outside of myself in blaming imaginary forces - not seeing I am the real force, as the beginning and end of movement within myself happens with my acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into giving up instead of motivating myself act in ways that are/will result in what is Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear-monger myself in self interest to not have to take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself deliberately in acting in ways that make me feel ashamed of myself - in self interest to not have to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to dare myself to live without shame in every moment.

I commit myself to deliberately act in ways that I will not be ashamed of myself for.

I commit myself to motivate myself to act in ways that I can be proud of myself for doing, and that is to do my best within the principle of what is Best for All at all times.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am participating in the emotion of overwhelmingness or fear, remind myself that it is me creating this experience, it is not real and I can stop it in a moment and walk past the experience and not look back.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am about to or planning to sabotage myself into doing something that I will be ashamed for in order to give up self responsibility in self interest - stop, see what it is that I was planning and forgive myself to then redirect myself to live free of guilt and shame.

Day 47: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character Day 6: Not Running Away

This blog is a continuation of a series of blogs.
Suggested to read for context:

Day 46: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 5

Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  


Within my mind I have had this desire to again start in a new class with different people so that I can from the start not get attention to myself, in a way to correct this 'Good-but-Bad Character'. I see, realize and understand that running away from the experience I find myself in at the moment, where I have already participated in this 'Good-but-Bad Student' character within a group of people is giving away self-responsibility in thinking and believing that by swapping places I will be able to change how I participate with others - this is equal to saying that I cannot change me for myself but that I require my environment to change first before I change. This is giving my power away to something that is not me, in this case the environment, people that I believe that if I change, I will be able to change and never again participate in the 'Good-but-Bad Character'.

There is another dimension to this in that I've seen how I have already started to rely on colleagues to do the work and to 'know where we are going' when doing practical lessons. This I saw it had to end and asked to be changed from the group to both somehow start anew in not participating in the 'Good-but-Bad Character' and also stop participating in relying on others to do much of the practical work instead of directing myself and knowing what it is that we are doing in the practical classes. This is related to self-judgement and comparison.

In asking for a group swap I was faced with the fear of not finding some partner in the class to work with on the practical lessons as effective as the one I am doing the practical lessons at the moment. I saw that I don't require to change groups for having relied on my class partner to do all the work as that is running away from shame and thinking that by merely swapping class partners I will be able to change how I interact and suddenly become this directive and awesome guy that can direct himself effectively within the lessons and be 'the one that leads the pair -group of two-' the one that know how all works at all times. I see that it does not work that way, that I can correct myself where I am at! Because not doing so means that I am accepting and allowing myself to put blame on others, in this case on the colleague that I am collaborating with for knowing too much of chemistry, blaming this for me being lazy, and slacking off during laboratory practices. No, it's not that, I don't have to find someone that is inexperienced at doing practical lessons in order for me to direct myself and not slack off by giving all the work-load to the colleague I am collaborating with in a practical lesson.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suddenly change myself in how I interact with others in changing the group that I attend classes with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by swapping the group I participate with I will change the way I interact with others at class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within wanting to swap from a group to another group with the excuse to 'start from zero' = blame my environment for my self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to rely on someone else that is good enough to know what it is that we do on the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change groups I will not be able to be effective within the practical classes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this fear of not knowing enough for the practical classes already existed within me while participating in laziness in my interaction with my current class colleague - but I've only seen it now that I've cut off the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the believe that I am not good enough in the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with X and within that see myself as inferior and instead of forgiving myself and participating as an equal with doing the work with X = go into spitefulness in letting X do most of the work and organizing and do only the minimum myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as incapable of understanding and being able to direct myself effectively within the practical classes - and utilize this excuse to rely on someone else to do it for me instead of me standing up for myself and taking self-responsibility for myself in participating with my classmate-pair equally to the best of my ability.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X will not want to continue to work with me in the practical classes when I say that I am not swapping groups.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that fear can only exist in self interest, where I am still holding on to the point of wanting utilize the relationship with X to allow myself to slack-off within the practical lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X in participating at a lower pace and work-load than I am capable of - not standing in equality with X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of having slacked off during my participation in the practical lessons - instead of correcting myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to instead of comparing myself to X, see what it is that I can apply for myself of what I see X do.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am slacking off at class - stop, breathe and see how I can step-up my application to be in equality with the best of my ability at all times to expand my ability.

I commit myself to remind myself that changing groups/environment will not make me change and that it is only me the that can change me.

I commit myself to remind myself that wanting to change groups is giving my power away to my environment not seeing/realizing and understanding that who I am is what has to change and that no amount of shame is valid for giving up and running off.

I commit myself to no matter who I have as a class partner push myself to walk to the best of my ability - in reminding myself that doing this is what I claimed I wanted to do if I swapped groups, thus I can see for myself if I was 'for real' in changing myself in the current group or if I am still self dishonest and that I in fact never wanted to correct me but only run off from an 'uncomfortable experience'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the fallacy of 'start anew' in the 'changing my environment in order to change myself' idea that is promoted through media and movies - not seeing and understanding that who I am I never leave behind by doing that and that unless I forgive myself and commit myself to change and change in fact - nothing will change, only will get worse.

To be Continued

Day 46: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 5

Continuation of:
Day 45: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 4

Day 44: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 3

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

In reading Yogan's blog I saw how I am looking at the point of getting good grades as a reward.
This afternoon I saw how I was a bit 'down' and disappointed and in a moment I saw how it was unnecessary. Because I am walking again a course with the same name as last year -the 'same' course, I believe that I know what I will be doing and that it will be a repeating and thus boring. I don't know anything in fact and utilized my projections in my mind as an excuse to not engage effectively with studying, to participate in the mind in feeling down and without motivation - which leads to remain locked in the 'Good-but-Bad character if I don't move myself to walk the correction which is walk unconditionally my education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get a reward for getting good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed because I have to walk the same point again this year that I did in the past not enough consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the experience of disappointment in self interest to allow me to not walk the solution of studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remind myself that it is never about immediate results that I have to define myself - never - and instead push myself to work daily to accumulate so that I eventually become effective at my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will get something off my results at school - not seeing, realizing and understanding that all that I need is me - nothing outside of me is required to complete me but to self-realize myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the marks I get at school are an indicator of how well I can integrate knowledge and not who I am within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define myself through achievements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to match up the image in my mind as self-grandeur by achieving good grades or having a lot of twitter followers not seeing realizing and understanding that the only thing that wins if I participate in such an expression is my Ego and my mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk and direct myself commonsensically instead of wanting to expand my Ego in what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to attach a positive feeling/experience to what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that because the mind generates what I feel through my acceptance and allowance and because the mind will die if I realize who I am and stop it = I will never get a good feeling from doing something that will get me to a point where I might realize who I am and stop the mind, so I will never get a good feeling by doing that wich really supports me until I stop all feeling by stopping the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to positive energy experiences and negative positive experiences instead of directing myself here as self-stability, self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to believe that I am doing something different this year by trying to avoid all that reminds me that I am again walking the same point within education - not seeing / realizing / understanding that it is never about what I do but who I am within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to forget that I am walking a point that I've done several times before - to not have to take self responsibility for having manifested this point in perceiving that somehow I am evolving or moving forward - not seeing reality for what it is and then not being able to change myself in not correcting the mistakes of the past in not knowing how I created them by exploring and correcting myself as the mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to draw conclusions such as that I know how this year of studies will play out by the mere fact that I walked a course with the same name in the past - not giving myself the opportunity to live Here in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to stop the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character if I am moved again to another group within school - judging myself before I can correct myself.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to correct myself in walking school being Here with myself in every moment of breath and stopping myself whenever I see that I am wanting to interact from the starting point of energy and Ego of the mind to play the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character to protect my self-definitions of the mind.

I commit myself to walk unconditionally breath by breath the correction of the 'Good-but-Bad Student' character in knowing that from the start the character has lost as it is gone at death - but that I am also gone at death - so I might as well walk it through and transcend it while I am here breathing.

I commit myself to walk myself in patience like a mother with a child through their development - step by step in patience and starting anew day by day, relentlessly - as it is required for something of worth to be manifested.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am going into the emotion of 'feeling low' or apathy and unmotivation - I breathe and see that I will never see what I am capable of if I give up - and that I don't have to participate in this unmotivation as all the motivation I need is to make the decision to walk the solution of whatever it is that I am unmotivated to do/unmotivated about.

I see, realize and understand that I can't never be unmotivated by anything and that in fact I accept and allow myself to be or not to be motivated - as I don't need any external thing to be in any certain expression or way in order for me to be motivated as I am self-motivated and I decide that by myself always.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going into the desire of getting very good grades - to stop, breathe and see that I am wanting to get a positive energy experience that is not real - so I instead stick to my breath and to do what's practically here, in reality.

I commit myself to whenever I want to give up remind myself that I am at the point of change and that I can never give up because sooner or later I have to face myself so best to do it in the moment and not procrastinate as that always create consequence.

Whenever I see I am judging what I do as boring or that I know what I will be doing - I stop, breathe and remind myself that I am looking through the eyes of the mind, not my physical eyes, because what was in the past is no longer here - thus I stop the delusion of the 'past being present' and walk within this physical reality to explore myself within education and elsewhere.

To be Continued