Day 93: Missing The Stop

I was at the bus at night and it was full of people and a bit hot inside, and I thought that the stop would be one that I know but it was an assumption since I do not usually take that specific bus. I distracted myself with opening the windows and then at some point realized it was taking too long - I had missed my stop and had to wait 30 minutes more for the bus to come round his route and pass again at my stop. 

This reminds me of me not making sure that I reach my goals by putting in the necessary work and instead hope that the reality outside will match my inner reality where I can imagine how things will be -- but reality showed me otherwise, the stop wasn't the one that I imagined would be and I missed it because I hoped that I would see the signs that indicate that the bus was approaching my stop -- but because I did not know the route beforehand, we did not pass through were I thought we would so I was clueless all the time that I had missed my stop, until we were very far from it. I could have prevented this by looking out the window and/or asking. 

On a side note, that was curious - I was talking to the driver and at some point, he said that he utilizes all the senses to drive, but the one that he uses more is the vision. I should use it more.

I forgive myselfthat I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions in where my stop is instead of asking or being attentive to where the bus is going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with the windows and the air inside the bus, without being aware of the route of the bus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Hope that I will see the bus stop - without putting myself to look out of the window/asking effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and and allowed myself to trust my imagination of what I thing the future will look like, instead of seeing with my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with the people at the bus - without keeping an eye to the stops.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I see when the bus approach my stop in the assumption that the bus would take the route that I am used to during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override the common sense that unless I look for my stop, I won't see it.

Whenever I see that I make assumptions in my mind about the future such as what the bus stop will be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to check everything I am not certain of, that assumptions are just that - assumptions -.

I commit myself to check the facts whenever I see that I make an assumption.

Whenever I see that I hope the future having a specific outcome, I stop and I breathe. I realize that hope will not make things happen, only my actions can create the outcome, and I have to make sure that I walk the necessary actions to force that outcome.  

Whenever I see that I am distracted in irrelevant things, I stop and I breathe. I realize, see and understand that I have to see where I am going, that unless I direct where I am going I will create unnecesary consequence for myself.

I commit myself to see with my physical eyes and in common sense where it is that I am going - both in terms of my movement in this physical reality and in my future.

Day 90: Hit the Wall

When everything goes bad, I want the world to stop. Today I hit myself in the head with a low ceiling, due to not paying attention, and immediately reacted to two people who were talking to me - when I wanted to be left alone, I wanted others to be quiet for the minute or so I was 'suffering' the pain of the hit. This is clearly impossible, that the world stop for me if I mess up. The outer world will not adapt to me whenever I feel like it, not even if I have a seemingly 'justifiable reason' like being in pain - it doesn't matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X talking to me when I was experiencing pain, instead of seeing that they were merely trying to help me/emphatyze with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are moments where I have a justifiable reason to 'tell the world/others to shut up, stop for a moment' -- without realizing that the world won't stop for anything/anyone and that I can't control what others do/how they behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the outer world to adapt to my experience in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be quiet whenever I am in pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear of having hurted myself for being rude/abusive to others in speaking to them.

Whenever I see that I am reacting to someone that talks to me when I am in pain, or have 'fucked something up', I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is my responsibility that I 'fucked things up' and that it is unacceptable to lash out to others.

I commit myself to utilize the moment of clarity before I speak where I see the consequence it will have if I speak in energy reaction - to instead not speak in energy such as anger - and later on investigate the energy reaction in writing.

Whenever I see that I am about to 'adress people' as a reaction to something they are doing, I stop and I breathe. I realize that any reaction I have to someone else is my own creation and for me to sort out, and has noting to do with the 'external trigger' as the being that I react to.

I commit myself to consider my words before I speak, checking that I do not talk from a starting point of reaction or energy but self-direction in self honesty - in consideration of the situation and the other person.

Day 87: Studying Mill

Due to not having studied and then failing at exams, I have to go to exams comprising trimester's worth of matter of many subjects. I have been offered a small three-afternoon-only job for three and I have declined it after saying yes at first, due to the time-constriction that I find myself at this point. The fear of failing the exam is big, and I see it as not worth it to risk failing an entire course. It would be best if I could manage both, but I don't know that I can do it - so best to not risk my future prospects and study as much as I can, even if I resist the idea of immersing mysef in studying intensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in being able to discipline myself into studying every day as much as I can so that I give myself the best opportunity to pass the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I 'entertain' myself in working a small job = I will fail the exams due to not having studied enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad' for not taking a work offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able to do this job and also pass the exams, and from this be disposed to risk my exams by accepting the job, instead of seeing that I have no way of knowing if I am able to do both things because I have not yet put myself to study and don't know how much time will it take for me to know the subjects effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior if I don't take the job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give an image of 'being capable' of managing many things/being capable of doing many things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to commit myself to study - but be ready to work for someone else for money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself seriosuly within my studies in self-discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying in a good rythm/pace if I have all the time of the day for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying effectively if all I have to do is study by myself for three weeks.

Whenever I see that I fear not being able to study effectively within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the one that determine what I do within my studies, that I am the one that have to push me to study effectively and that I can know how I am doing it by asking myself and seeing the proof within the material that I am studying and by testing myself to check if I know the stuff or not.

I commit myself to review myself every day to see how I am progressing and if I am studying effectively or I need to change something.

Whenever I see that I fear failing the exams, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is stupid to fear an exam, that I simply have to study and prepare myself so that I can pass them effectively.

Whenever I see that I want to escape having to study, I stop and I breathe, I realize that I cannot escape from me, that I will have to inevitably face the point of education wether now or in the future, and that I better do it now and stop wasting my time. I realize that if I don't do give it my all in the exams I will not come out of it in integrity - and all kinds of side effects that can be prevented will instead come back haunting me - by my own acceptance and allowance.

I commit myself to giving it my all to pass the exams. I commit myself to utilize time effectively.

I commit myself to take responsibility for the outcome of the exams, as it is determined by me and what I do and 'no one else'.

Day 82: Double Standard Stranded

Problem

I have observed that I have a double standard when it comes to working and responsibilities. One is very direct, steadfast and effective approach that I take at the internship I am doing. The other is very undiligent and ineffective which is when having to study and review or do other self-study work.


Solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be inconsistent in my approach to taking/working/doing responsibilities - instead of expanding myself by using the effective approach I take in one area to all areas/responsibilities within my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I can apply myself in an effective way in one task, I can expand this ability to other tasks in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why I can direct myself to be effective in a task is due to the nature of the task instead of realizing that the same effectiveness I can apply to any task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply myself differently depending on what responsibility I am facing - instead of applying myself in integrity by putting the best of my habitily to all my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the way to expand my effectiveness and hability of doing a task is by applying myself doing it to the best of my hability - because then I can see what impediments I have and work on them to be able to do more/better.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I don't apply myself in every task to the best of my hability I will never expand in effectiveness on those tasks - and this is because I know within myself that I am not giving it my all and assume that I can choose to do more if
I want -- but then the day that I really need to be effective I will find that I can do only so much, probably less than I imagined.

Whenever I see that I am avoiding walking responsibilities to the best of my hability, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am deliberately sabotaging myself by choosing to spend more time and have a less quality job made PLUS not being able to become more effective at the task that I am doing - thus I instead opt to apply myself to the best of my hability so that I can, even if it takes more time, expand and discover more of myself in what I am doing.

I commit myself to push myself to do the tasks/responsibilities to the best of my hability - so that I can know where I am and go further from there/expand on them.


Reward

To become more effective in everything I do and within this discover more about myself in it.

Next post will be on Fear of Failure.

Day 77: Day in Bed - Am I Dead?

Little Bunny Sleeping

Problem
Resting during the day, when I don't necessarily need to rest and not putting the necessary devices such as an alarm to not over-sleep.

Solution
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself in sleeping during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk me into' sleeping during the day in order to not face tasks/responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to rest during the day to be able to function - instead of seeing that when I sleep too much, I loose time and I am not 'really rested'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not put the devices and alarms in place so that I don't oversleep whenever I rest during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to wake up from a 'siesta' even if I put the alarm, believing that 'I will not hear it' and so don't set it up. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not set up the alarm with the excuse that I will rest for only 10 minutes - not preventing myself from oversleeping if I Do fall asleep.

Whenever I see that I am trying to 'talk myself' into going to sleep during the day by using excuses/justifications as to why I should rest, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is the mind that wants to 'disconnect' and that even if do go to sleep, it won't pay off as I will not rest well and will instead waste time - and the heaviness after waking up will still be there.

I commit myself to focus on breathing here whenever I see that I want to go to sleep during the day and instead I commit myself to push myself to walk little steps into doing the task that I want to avoid facing - as I realize it is the only way, that it is inevitable that I face myself.

I commit myself to Prevent the oversleeping during the day by setting up an alarm if I do rest for a during the day - and that I rest for no more than 40 minutes - because otherwise I am still tired/it is not as effective and I waste time.

I commit myself to, whenever I see that I experience the feeling of 'heaviness' or tiredness = see if there is something that I am trying to avoid doing or facing.

I commit myself to walk my responsibilities whenever I 'feel like' sleeping during the day - and then check again if I am 'still' tired - to find out if the tiredness was in fact a protection mechanism for the mind for me not to face myself in my responsibilities and obligations.

Whenever I see that I am physically tired, I stop and breathe. I realize that I will not always be able to rest during the day when I have responsibilities to walk.

I commit myself to remind myself thate there will be moments in where it is impossible for me to rest during the day, such as if I am taking care of a child or similar, where I will not be able to simply walk-off to bed if I am tired.

I commit myself to assist myself and my physical body by being Here as breath when walking my responsibilities within the realization that the body is capable of much more, and that I can only do/grasp this if I am not participating in my mind of excuses and justifications and backchats.

Reward
In not walking off to bed during the day and instead walking my daily tasks and obligations/responsibilities = I am standing up for myself and taking responsibility for myself - thus allowing me to take on more responsibilities and within this = expanding myself within my process.

Going off to sleep during the day for a long  time and/or without needing it = is a betrayal to myself, so with preventing this I will be reverting it into developing self-trust - and it will be a training that will lead to me slowly but surely becoming more effective in dealing with tasks/responsibilities.

Day 73: The Task

Artwork by Maren Vargas Del Razo

The 'giving up before starting' of a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate and postpone on starting doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing at a task - and give up before starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety and stress for not doing the task I have to do - instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of not doing the tasks I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a task as too big and difficult in my mind - and give up without even starting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgements and backchats about a task - in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to walk a task in the reactions I get towards it instead of simply doing what I see is best - regardless of the resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the resistance real by acting on it by not walking the tasks I have to do that I apparently resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance to do a task exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of resistance towards doing a task is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat towards doing a task - diminishing my drive/will to do it more and more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand up for myself and say - till here no further - I will not accept or allow myself to act on the resistance towards doing a task.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I have created through time the reactions that I experience - thus I am able to stop them and walk them through.

Whenever I see that I resist on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I realize that the experience of resistance about the task is not real, that I created it and that I am able to stop it and walk through it.

Whenever I see that I am giving up on walking a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself of the previous instances where I have been able to walk through this resistances and I remind myself that it they are not real.

Whenever I see that I am having judgements/backchat about a task, I stop and breathe. I remind myself that it is unacceptable to put myself down by judging the tasks or myself in the task - and so I stop the backchat and continue walking.

Day 60: Perception-Conception Self-Sabotage

by Mark Tyrrell

Some mornings this week I have faced moments where I was having to do school work and instead I of putting myself to work I have returned to the bed to hide in sleeping. This is unacceptable and obviously impractical because that which I am trying to hide from will compound and become more difficult to direct. Doing things in the moment is always easier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from doing the tasks for school in sleeping – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I cannot avoid taking responsibility for myself – if I am to continue with my education I'll have to face the point that I am trying to run away from = but in hiding in sleeping I am wasting time and thus having to do the tasks later on with reduced time and will be even more difficult for me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the resistance to do school work by sleeping = in self interest to not stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by sleeping when I have to do school work- so that I don't change, in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a situation where I have little time left to study = so that I can justify failing at school and not take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am trying to hide from myself in sleeping to momentarily not do school work = I breathe, I remind myself that by sleeping I am doing it more difficult for myself and I direct myself to do school work effectively practically Here as breath.

I commit myself to whenever I see I am resisting doing school work, breathe and take one step at a time, but not give up walking the point.

Am I not good enough?

This is the question that arised this afternoon that I had pain in my pinky finger of the left hand - which If I remember well is about perception.

Within this I saw that maybe one of the dimensions where I fail myself in not putting myself to work on school every day consistently but tend to give up some days of the week, is that perception of myself not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough to make it through school - in self interest to not have to apply myself within school and instead dwell in self pity - to not have to stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with a task that I see will require time and effort = 'bail out' and run away utilizing the excuse that I am not capable or good enough to make the task well - using this as a justification and excuse in self interest to not walk self-change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do the tasks at school and the studying accurately and in-depth when I am able to do it - so that I render myself defective at school = to fail and then have an excuse based on Experience that apparently I am not good enough - when it has been a self-engineered deception in self interest to create an excuse to not stand up for myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in order to not take on my education effectively and take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Believe that I will not make it and that I am not good enough with school even though I have not actually put myself to the test in doing school properly- in self interest to not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize instant/automatic excuses such as 'I am not good enough' give up and and not put myself to work but instead = participate in Laziness and Procrastination.

I see, realize and understand that 'bailing out' in 'running away' from my education is impossible as I will have to face education in order to live in this world effectively in terms of money and global change required within an Equal Money System - thus I commit myself to whenever I see that I am about to give up with excuses such as 'I am not good enough' I stop then, breathe and remind myself that this is a Belief if I see in self honesty in the past where I utilized the same excuses to not do school work and then failed - thus = I instead stop repeating the past by working effectively step by step the tasks I have to do to be effective at school.

Day 43: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character - Part 2

This is a continuation of:  Day 42: 'Good-but-Bad Student' Character. Part 1

For more context see: Day 41: Protecting The Self-Image in my Mind  

On Day 42 I was walking the Self Forgiveness on what I had been realizing during the that day, where I was seeing how in the class I was being the one that replies the most to the teacher and from there I saw that I did this to prove a point that I was able to take on the course so that if I failed then I would not be judged as stupid. But there was something more, and it was the why I would after the first stages of the course, step down to become ineffective studying? Then I saw in a moment as I was walking the self forgiveness in writing how it was related to bullying and how it is a protection mechanism and a way for me to instead of being rejected - being liked. Fearing that if I get good grades I will be looked at as uncool and someone that others in the class don't see as someone to hang around but more of a nerd. When I started doing self forgiveness on the bullying I started crying - I saw how I had adopted this suit of not giving a fuck at school while at the same time 'screaming' that I am not stupid. Well, that IS in a way the definition of... Well it's complicated and easy to say I was stupid for doing this, not getting good grades to be accepted - of course there were other factors like it was convenient for me to act lazy in relation to school and the same time become more popular/being liked more - it was a win-win for me except when it got out of hand = that I was failing more than I wanted at school because of the compounded effect of ineffectiveness. Because at some point I stopped remembering why I was doing this of not studying - it was fear and desire to be liked and accepted - but I forgot it and then I judged myself for being 'bad' at school and there are unforgiving subjects like maths where one has to build from ground to top and if that's missed then the new math knowledge is very difficult to acquire and work with.

At that moment I got a bit too much emotional and I didn't know how to proceed from there - it's a bit of a shock and also a moment of cross-roads - because I either continue this con or stand up for myself and change - for example I have an exam - the first one - next Friday and I have not started the studying apart from 1 hour or so last friday. This is not cool because I am walking this character during my days, this character will lead me to maybe pass this exam - most probably yes because it's the first one' but as time goes on it will be increasingly difficult for me to pass the exams because - as I have noticed already - I don't spend enough hours a week studying or reading what we have done in class. I saw this clearly - that I am not following up well with classes - because someone asked me what we were doing at class and I couldnt respond - lol - and also the teacher mentioned something about LAST class and I didn't remember or knew it because I had not gone through the material from that class before the next class to be clear that I understand everything effectively and thus I didn't know some concepts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot direct myself in walking through this character practically in believing that I cannot place the self corrective statements effectively or walk them in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up self direction at school in order to get attention from the group at school and outside school in playing the victim role.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep abusing myself and others through keep living the character 'good-but-bad student' to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of the self-deceit I saw of myself that I am living in self interest in playing a character that is a victim to others= choose to keep looking myself as a victim and go into emotions and feelings to support this self interested point of view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep participating in the 'good-but-bad student' character to not have to correct myself practically at school and other areas that I have give up self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fears that I experience in relation to getting good grades in relation to how the other students will react to this is in fact self interest in wanting to hold on to the point of failing at school to not have to take responsibility for myself - in depending financially from others and being able to continue in the feeding of my Ego as the image of myself as perfect in my mind that I want to protect at all cost in not challenging it in reality = by not going and doing my best to pass the course without knowing if I will make it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize as a justification the experience of fear for not working to the best of my ability to be effective within education and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect the self-image in my mind in self-interest to not have to take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the image of myself in my mind that consist of a brilliant student that can get the highest marks and can do all the experiments and practical stuff at school like a professional - not realizing that this is far-fetched from reality and that I am living in a mind-bubble that sooner or later will explode when again I fail at school if I try and hold on to this image - because to not challenge the image I have to make sure that: A) I live in reality that which I see in the self-image in my mind or B) I trick myself into believing that I did not pass because I did not study by effectively not studying and wasting time whenever I have to study - within this choosing B) as it is in a way more self-honest in that I see that I cannot do it like A) so I might as well protect the self image of myself by doing B) and it will be far more easier - plus I don't have to take responsibility for myself within this world by not having an education and not being able to get into the job system resulting in me being dependent on others that will pay for me to live - not taking responsibility for myself in yet another area of my life.

I commit myself to correct myself within school in stopping all desires to match a picture-perfect version of myself but instead I commit myself to walk no matter what through the steps required to pass school effectively in the realization that I will be making errors and I will not be able to match a perfect image of being perfect at it at first -  so within this I commit myself to give myself the time, effort and patience to walk myself through school, feeding myself knowledge one teaspoon at a time and stopping myself whenever I go into frustration within the realization that I will not be instantly good at doing certain things but that it will get better with time and enough application.

I commit myself to stop judging me whenever I find that I am comparing myself with an image of perfection in my mind or any other student in the class - in the realization that it is not where I am that matter but where I am going in the realization that the equality equation of 1+1 applied in this means that by daily application of myself within my studies I have a higher chance of making it despite any fear, prediction or imagination of the future I can make up in my mind = what matters is accumulation thus

I commit myself to stick myself to daily apply myself within school without running in my mind of emotions and feelings and fears in the realization that it is the character of 'good-but-bad' student wanting to get a hold of and control of me - in the realization that I created it and it is living in self interest as the continuation of me as an irresponsible being thus:

I commit myself to whenever I see I want to give up studying to go and do another thing: I take a deep breath and see that I am here and able to direct my breath as well as any other task I can do within that breath - so I move myself to take the pen and paper and the material of the lessons to work on and study or write whatever it is I have to do of school - to prepare myself effectively so that I don't have to repeat again the same mistakes by not having applied myself to the best of my ability.

I see/realize and understand that it doesn't matter if I don't pass the course when I am applying myself to the best of my ability because in that case I would be in a far better position when having to do it again because I will have expanded myself within school by having walked to the best of my ability wich means that I had been expanding myself within school - whereas if I fail at school and ahve not applied myself to the best of my ability I will find myself in the exact same point repeating school without having expanded myself  within it - thus the fact that I'd be again repeating the same task and knowing that I could have passed it if I had done it to the best of my ability = that will make it even harder to transcend. 

Thus: I commit myself to make sure that I walk in detail all that is needed for me to complete the course at school effectively - carefully looking at what it is that I need to know and revising everything so that I make sure that I am in fact applying myself to the most specificity and effectiveness that I can - because wether I pass it or not at the end = I will be in a far more better position in both situations than if I continue participating in laziness to protect a character in my mind.

I commit myself to remind myself that nobody will hurt me if I get good grades - that nobody will outcast me if I get good grades and that I have enough assertiveness to direct any nastiness coming from anyone at school - within this I commit myself to stop using justification of having fear of being labeled in any way in the realization that all judgement is self-judgement and that I NEVER have to take personally anything that another says to me because if I react I know that I have to work on some point where I have defined myself in separation of myself - and it's never about 'who' said that which I allow myself to react to.

Whenever I see I go into the experience of emotional turmoil and self-pity I stop, take a breath and remind myself that this is in fact a self-manipulation because being a victim means that someone is doing something to me - not realizing that I created the 'good-but-bad student' character and that it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences that I have manifested for myself in participating in this character by walking the correction of myself in reality of space-time - not 'holing up' in my mind weeping about my situation when I created it in the first place - thus I am able and must change it for myself - in self-honesty with myself.

Within this I commit myself to whenever I see that I am going into the experience of anger for what I have done - stop and breathe, and realize and remind myself that it is a diversion-tactic of my mind to prevent me from being here directing myself to walk the correction of myself in self honesty - and I see then that in walking the correction I can and I am able to stop this anger because I am doing something about the source of this anger thus I don't have to be angry with myself - only if I stop walking the correction and continue feeding the source of the anger by again participating in laziness and procrastination or not studying - then I have to kick myself under the ass and move again, breath by breath until it's done - no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to whenever I see I participate in nervousness in being impatient for wanting to see results of my application within studying = I stop, breathe and continue walking the correction of participating in my education effectively - in realizing/seeing and understanding that reality is not like the mind that I can create in a single moment -but it is not real- = reality is slower because it is building on physical support something that is real and measurable, so, I commit myself to assist myself to breathe effectively while I am doing the tasks required for me to be effective at school. Within this I commit myself to instead of try to 'level up' to the perfect image of myself in my mind = I study/do the school tasks every day so that I 'add up' to the measure that will in time be enough to pass the course effectively - because I know that the accumulation of days that I don't direct myself to study effectively create a sum total that is not enough for me to pass the school course and instead are a diminishment from what I am really capable of.

I commit myself to explore what it is that I am capable of within school by disregarding fear for what it is - an energetic experience that is not real - and within the realization that in walking to the best of my ability Always I don't Ever have to fear Anything because I am living in self-honesty with myself  whereas living in fear indicates that I am living in Self-Dishonesty as Self-Interest because there is something that I fear to lose - but how can I lose who I really am?. I commit myself to walk my education ruthlessly within the realization that I don't have to fear as fear indicates self-interest in wanting to keep something for myself - but who I really am I can never lose so I remind myself that I can't lose who I really am thus I have nothing to fear and within this realization I push myself regardless of any experience of fear or any other feeling/emotion or thought to do what is Best for All Life in every moment in self-trust.

To be Continued.

Artwork: [Last Picture] by Andrew Gable
The Resistance Before I Write - Postponement Character - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 163